Golly, online dating sure has changed. Once upon a time, the worst you had to worry about was an unsolicited dick pic; nowadays, seems like you can’t log in without half the dang Cabinet sliding classified war plans into your DMs.

Yes, in the Turd Reich, OPSEC stands for Oops, Published Secrets on Everybody’s Cellphone. I bet Tulsi’s worried her colleagues’ blundering incompetence will render her own treasonous collaboration superfluous.

Ultimately, I believe the global intelligence community will prove hardest hit, because why invest billions in espionage when you can get everything you need simply by sending the U.S. Secretary of Defense an email promising some new miracle penis enlargement product?

Reading Jeffrey Goldberg’s “So I Guess I’m on the National Security Council Now” piece in The Atlantic this week made me nostalgic for those bygone days when consequences existed. Underrated concept, responsibility. I confess I kinda miss it.

But on a certain level, I get it. If the Trump Administration fired everybody who leaked classified intel, or dismissed the crew overseeing the nation’s nuclear stockpile, or authorized massive human rights violations, there wouldn’t be anyone left except the Diet Coke steward, and the faintest, dwindling hint of Steve Mnuchin’s deodorant.

No, we’re stuck with these dolts, because the kakistocrat cabal running this country has decided that replacing incompetent people constitutes “weakness.” To cease beclowning themselves for even an instant would be an impermissible concession to the media, we’re told. Yeah, guys, it’s definitely strength you’re projecting.

My personal favorite part of this debacle is the timing, cuz it was just last week these goofs got caught doing all those DEI purges at Arlington and the Pentagon, right? Some master race. WE’RE A MERITOCRACY NOW bleats Hegseth, seconds before shitting his pants in front of the whole world.

And now we get to watch the entire wingnut media apparatus defend them, which is even funnier. “Who among us has not shit himself whilst recklessly giving state secrets away?” asks Jesse Watters, who is afraid to eat soup in public.

Anyway, they weren’t even war plans, just attack plans. Yes, the difference is minuscule, and in no way exonerates the parties involved, but if it’s good enough for Karoline Leavitt, it’s good enough for millions of American voters. Sleep tight.

JD and Usha Vance were not greeted as liberators during their reconnaissance mission to Greenland, possibly because of the whole “repeated threats of conquest” thing, though you can never rule out the reflexive revulsion JD’s presence triggers.

Seriously, they send people door to door, looking for somebody, anybody willing to hang out with Usha (that expedition somehow slipped past Elon’s efficiency hawks, I guess) and when they couldn’t find one person on the entire fucking island, they changed the itinerary, and added JD to the trip.

And Greenland responded by forming a unity government.

Friends, I’ve experienced a few long, dark nights, when I felt pretty damn unlovable, but at least I can walk into any country on Earth without rival political parties linking arms to oppose me.

…whether or not the nation of my birth would readmit me upon return is another matter, of course.

Anyway, Littlefinger put JD in charge of purging the Smithsonian of degenerate ideologies, so expect aggressive expansion of the decorative furniture wing.

So that was a fun executive order. Another one ended collective bargaining rights for more than a million federal workers. Plus, he’s now crafting bespoke orders microtargeting every law firm that ever worked with any lawyer that ever investigated or prosecuted him. Presumably, he’ll deport Jack Smith’s mailman next.

Actually, I’m learning a lot about Big Law this week. For example, there are apparently two types of “Big Law” firms: those that’re unwilling to comply in advance with tyrannical abuses of power, and absolute cucks.

Yet another cartoonishly unconstitutional EO states that in order to vote, one must provide proof of citizenship, receipts for no fewer than three (3) collectible Trump NFTs, plus a sworn affidavit that the prospective voter found Barack Obama’s jokes at the 2011 White House Correspondent’s Dinner unfunny.

Unsurprisingly, the courts keep blocking these little power grabs, so there’s been no shortage of meant-to-be-overheard “will no one rid me of this meddlesome judiciary?” mewling. And so Fox “News” dutifully trots the judges (and their families) out for the Two Minutes Hate, but should that fail to inspire any of the usual hammer and/or nail gun-wielding psychos, I suppose there’s always Speaker Moses’ plan, to legislate entire district courts out of existence.

The stock market is on track for its worst quarter since 2022, because learning from your mistakes is for libtards. Yessir, we’re still merrily dumbfucking along with that multi-front trade war, and if the powers that be haven’t noticed the cannons are pointed inward yet, they likely never will.

It’s the auto industry in the crosshairs this week, but don’t worry, Ford and GM aren’t really American companies anyway, at least according to Peter Navarro. Plus, we have “liberation day” to look forward to next week, when our idiot manchild president liberates us, once and for all, from all that pesky prosperity.

What else, what ellllllse…oh, right, we’re disappearing people now! Yeah, masked law enforcement snatching folks right off the streets. If you write an op-ed the regime doesn’t like, or if some enterprising young ICE agent decides to misinterpret your autism awareness tattoo, PUFF go your rights! But don’t worry, I’m sure it couldn’t happen to you…

I assume you saw the thing about the painting. Honestly, he’s right, it doesn’t look a thing like him, he’s not even raping anybody.

So, four American soldiers went missing on a training excercise in Lithuania, and are presumed dead. A member of the lügenpresse asked the commander in chief if he was in any small way aware that this was a thing that had occurred. And he goes, “nope,” with about as much interest as if the reporter had told him the fucking McRib was back.

I bet Hillary’s kicking herself. Shoulda gone, “Benghazi…Benghaziiiiiiiiiii…sorry, doesn’t ring a bell!” and the whole thing woulda gone away.

Speaking of international relations, Canada officially broke up with us this week, and they want their Joni Mitchell albums back. Seriously, they repossessed even the MP3s off my old iPod. No idea how they pulled that off, but OPSEC’s pretty spotty these days, as you are aware.

I see Alina Habba finally failed upwards into the sort of post where one can reasonably expect access to sex traffickers’ private contact information, which’ll come in handy, since her boy Tate’s already got a fresh set of assault allegations.

Shout out to William Terpening and Connor Reid, who logged all those long, difficult hours necessary to earn law degrees, and pass the bar, just so they could help a domestic terrorist avoid legal consequences for possessing child pornography. Dreams come true, folks.

I know many of us had our doubts about RFK Jr. leading the Department of Health and Human Services, but you have to admit, with this measles outbreak spreading to new states almost daily, he marched right out and fired 10,000 people. And surely one of them is why there’s a measles outbreak. Surely.

Wisconsin Attorney General Josh Kaul sued Elon Musk for offering voters million dollar bribes ahead of next week’s state SCOTUS election. Musk claims he had no idea this was illegal; it’s the same sum his dad used to pay kids to sit with him at lunch, after all.

(And if you’d like to make sure allllll that oligarch money goes to waste, why not spend the weekend phone-banking for Susan Crawford?)

After Kristi Noem’s hawt, fashy photo shoot with a hundred shirtless hunks at that Salvadoran labor camp, I’m more excited than ever for this year’s Secretaries of the Cabinet calendar. I’m told the September spread features Little Marco wearing nothing but his principles.

As you are no doubt aware, one of the largest remaining obstacles to American greatness is the Biden-era CFPB rule capping bank overdraft fees at five bucks. Well, you can sleep soundly tonight (unless you have tattoos, of course) because the Senate GOP voted to repeal that shit. BAM, POPULISM!

Say, maybe if Elise Stefanik kept the receipt, she can get her soul back. If not, well, she’s ain’t gettin’ that promotion to UN Ambassador either way, because Republicans know they’re fucking up way too hard to hold her Trump +21 district in a special election.

Mike Johnson certainly understands how precarious his House majority is, especially since half his caucus could stumble headfirst into a paper sack and suffocate to death at any moment.

Take, for example, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer, who hoisted himself atop the highest of horses at a hearing this week, to berate the president of NPR for having “editorial standards,” because he doesn’t understand what “editorial standards” means. Comer’s chief of staff rescues him from at least a dozen paper sacks every week. It’s practically the whole gig.

Or Lauren Boebert, who announced her master plan to rename our nation’s capitol the “District of MURICA.” Every take out lunch represents a potentially life-threatening situation when you’re that fucking dumb.

Or Marjorie Taylor Greene, who has somehow convinced herself that a woman who believes Jews cause wildfires via immense orbital laser guns is allowed to condescend to anyone over the age of six, let alone a British journalist. I was gonna say, “Any country that elects you out-shitholes one that doesn’t, Marj,” but she wouldn’t be able to hear me through the paper bag anyway.

They’re selling corporate sponsorships for the fucking White House Easter Egg Roll now, because they can’t not corrupt something, y’know? Gonna need to start testing these kids for performance-enhancing drugs, because you know there’s no way Zuck’ll let the Facebook egg-roller lose to the X egg-roller.

Down in DeSantistan, they’ve been so successful at running off their undocumented workforce that they’ve got a bunch of unfilled jobs now. Imagine that. “Never fear,” said Ron-Ron, “This looks like a job for CHILD LABORERS!” Well, I guess if we’re abolishing the Department of Education anyway…

Look, if I tried to round up every single demented DOGE cut, we’d be here all night, and I for one am desperate to proceed to the drinking portion of the weekend, but I do want to single out their (fortunately failed) attempt to fire a bunch of ICU doctors in Bethesda, Maryland. I mention this so you’re not surprised when Big Balls personally repossess that life-saving kidney from you, mid-transplant.

Okay, friends, I know I’m missing a bunch of shit every week, for which I apologize. I’ve always prided myself on the blog’s comprehensiveness, but like the rest of you, I’m floating through this shit-flooded zone, just tryin’ to keep my head above water. Did Bannon eat a baby? Possibly. Probably. I honestly don’t know.

Getting back to the abovementioned drinking portion of the weekend…if you enjoyed this rant, feel free to toss a buck or two into my tip jar, (now accepting Venmo, PayPal and Cash App!) or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar. But whatever you do, stay safe out there, chum, it’s gettin’ mighty weird.