Following the news these days is like watching the shittiest people alive furiously pound away at a Hungry Hungry Hippos board, where the marbles are, like, massive chunks of the federal budget, or our fundamental human rights. Ukrainian oblasts. Hopes for the future. Stuff like that.

That said, I confess I find all this talk of a constitutional crisis overblown; I thought it was widely understood that tattooing brown skin nullifies due process rights, the way that removing a mattress tag voids the warranty.

Still, it’s probably best to confine expressions of sports fandom to t-shirt purchases for the time being, lest you find yourself deported to a Salvadoran labor camp. Just a heads-up.

And to those who criticize the Turd Reich’s invocation of the Alien Enemies Act, on the (admittedly accurate) grounds that we’re not at war with anyone, all I can say is wait till next week, when they start enforcing the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850.

DOGE sure isn’t firing anybody in immigration enforcement, have you noticed that? Cancer research and air traffic control are luxuries we can no longer afford, but German green card holders ain’t gonna torture themselves, y’know. Too goshdarn many transplant surgeons in this country anyhow, if you ask me. Look, when we deport scientists and researchers for wrongthink, just think of it as a sort of…tariff on people.

And hey, if our longtime allies suddenly find it necessary to warn travelers that their visit to the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota now carries significant risk of long-term incarceration, well, why shouldn’t America’s tourism industry get the same taste of very stable economic genius as the rest of the country?

Understanding that widespread illiteracy represents his best shot at being remembered as anything other than a fuckup and a creep, President Rapist issued an expected edict, pulling the plug on the Department of Education. Of course, he lacks the legal authority to do this, but I find it useful to think of his executive orders as a greedy rich kid’s ever-expanding Xmas list, because you never know what demented new powers Santa SCOTUS will leave under the tree.

Doesn’t have the authority to fire the Democrats on the Federal Trade Commission either, but I bet I can guess how Clarence Thomas’ll vote when the time comes. Shit, that oughta be worth two weeks on the Riviera at the very least.

Anyway, now Chief Justice Roberts wants the autocrat brat he spoiled to stop attacking federal judges. Probably shoulda thought of that before you elevated him beyond the reach of the law, John.

Honestly, why can’t the mean ol’ judiciary submit to the tyrannical executive like the demurely dignity-free Republicans of the legislative branch? Maybe Ted Cruz can give seminars. Or perhaps one of the partners at the freshly cucked Paul Weiss law firm. See, I think Judge Boasberg just needs a little help to understand the benefits of a spine-free life…nobody targeting your wife from a White House pulpit, for a start.

I see the Offal in the Oval also took a sad, flaccid stab at granting himself magical un-pardoning powers. That one, I get, because you know Putin absolutely drrrrrrags him for that shit. “And how is Liz Cheney, Donald? Still valking around free, you say? Tsk tsk. I vas goingk to loan you my personal piss hookers, as a leettle treat, but they tend to geeggle uncontrollably in the face of veakness.”

The Putin thing is why I can’t take the cult of personality around Donald Trump seriously. When the guy who needed a North Korean bailout for his botched war of aggression keeps you waiting for over an hour, one thing you are decisively not is a “strongman.”

You’d think gutting Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, plus not only defunding the investigation into Russia’s kidnapping of thousands of Ukrainian children, but deleting all the accumulated data would merit a little punctuality, but no matter; Wee Don knows his place.

When Pootie Tang finally deigned to come to the phone, he allowed the Shart of the Deal to “negotiate” a teensy-weensy “ceasefire,” limited to energy infrastructure, which he violated ten minutes after hanging up. And then he finger-banged Melania in the Lincoln Bedroom, just cuz.

Elon Musk demands to speak to your manager, America! Why are y’all so mad at him, when he’s “never done anything harmful,” outside of firing more veterans than anyone in history, and condemning millions of Africans to starvation and death?

Now folks are lighting Teslas on fire, without even locking four people inside to die first, which is frankly just wasteful. I see they’re recalling 46,000 Cybertrucks, because some external paneling keeps falling off, and I dunno, you’d think an unlooked-for escape hatch would be a serendipitous development for this particular brand.

Checking in on Musk’s marginally less flammable business, I see the “free speech absolutist” booted Lincoln Project co-founder Rick Wilson from Xwitter, for hurting his fee-fees. “High status males” indeed.

Anyhoo, the rebrand as the official electric vehicle of ascendant American fascism doesn’t seem to be taking, despite the best efforts of multiple Cabinet secretaries. That Lutnick’s a hoot, ain’t he? Strong “Willy Loman at the second-biggest dinner theatre in Wichita” vibes. I guess I’d be madder at the Secretary of Commerce for pimping his party’s biggest donor’s stock on national television if anybody anywhere trusted him enough to take his financial advice, which…nope.

Amidst already plummeting approval ratings, Donnie n’ Elon have apparently decided to dry-hump the notorious third rail of American politics: Social Security. (For those unfamiliar with the metaphor, in a mass transit system, the third rail is the one where they keep the hugs and bunnies.) The one-two punch of ending phone service, plus closing dozens of physical offices is sure to delight the nation’s senior citizens, almost as much as acting Social Security Commissioner Leland Dudek’s petulant threats to shut down the agency entirely. Seriously, have loads of fun with this one, dorks.

The administration’s growing assault on mRNA research probably doesn’t make much sense to you, until you remember those exit polls showing the pancreatic tumor vote’s hard rightward swing last November, particularly in Maricopa County.

If you’d asked me a week ago how I felt about hereditary monarchy, I’d’ve said it’s a bad idea, but that was before I heard the President of the United States gush about his youngest child’s “unbelievable aptitude in technology.” If this kid truly can (and we should definitely seek confirmation before committing) turn on a laptop in less than five minutes, I think we can feed that dusty-ass Constitution straight into the shredder.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth stayed up all night, drunkenly photoshopping himself into Ira Hayes’ spot in that iconic Iwo Jima photograph, as part of a broader project to bleach American military history until no trace remains of Jackie Robinson, Medgar Evers, Colin Powell, Charles Calvin Rogers, Civil War nurses, Navajo Code Talkers…all those dastardly DEI heroes, spreading the dangerous myth that people who are not white and male can achieve things.

Minnesota Republican Justin Eichorn reached the very pinnacle of his pitiful existence this week, when he introduced legislation to formally classify “Trump derangement syndrome” as a mental illness under state law.

And so he felt compelled to celebrate.

And yes, I suppose he technically could have marked the occasion with his wife and four children, perhaps with a pizza party, or a round of miniature golf, but Justin chose a different path.

…the path of soliciting a minor for prostitution. And so Justin got arrested, and was forced to resign from the Minnesota state Senate, in not just regular shame, but pedophile shame. The fate of his hilarious, hilarious TDS bill is unclear at this time.

Treacherous nitwit Mike Flynn has been appointed to the United States Military Academy’s board of visitors, ensuring the next generation of American warfighters will have all the tools necessary to combat the deep state, Sharia law, and human trafficking cabals operating out of nonexistent pizza parlor basements. Of course, should the nation’s next military conflict manifest anywhere in the real world, we’re fucked.

I always get a massive kick out of Jesse Watters’ musings on manhood, because if you’re afraid to eat soup in public, your whole life is a masculinity-free zone. “I-i-if anybody saw me using a s-straw, they might think I’m g-g-gay!” Testosterone crosses the street when it sees you, Jesse.

Alas, my scheme to get rich quick off the fruit of Doug the Backyard Chicken’s loins has backfired, as I’m suddenly swamped by competition, from Danish eggs, South Korean eggs, now even Lithuanian eggs.

So forgive me for rattling the ol’ tip jar (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal) a little harder tonight; I sure wish I’d bought beer instead of all these styrofoam crates. Anyhow, more followers @john_luzar are always welcome, as are signups on the email list at showercapblog.com. Stay safe out there, Resisters…