Greetings, fellow Agents of Soros! How are you planning on spending your globalist payoff this week? I was gonna pay down some debt, but reading the news this week, I realized I needed a beer. Or twenty. Holy fuckballs, this shit is CRAY.

So, just to get the obscure, boring, inconsequential, stuff out of the way up front, I guess we had some televised impeachment hearings this week. I won’t go over all the details of the testimony, but I will give you a list of 16 winners and 9 losers, JUST KIDDING I may be a drunken maniac in a luchador mask, but at least I’m not a hack like Chris fucking Cillizza. Suffice to say, if you were playing a drinking game where you took a shot every time a witness offered something damning about the Trump/Giuliani Extortion Cabal, you’d be dead now. If you also drank every time one of the feral GOP assclowns on the committee said something colossally stupid, you’d be mummified, too.

Republicans are having a hard time defending the Offal in the Oval, likely because in addition to all the documented and corroborated testimony, the dopey old bastard has confessed, several times, in public, including fucking TODAY.

The good news for the GOP, of course, is that their millions-strong rube base isn’t interesting in silly ol’ things like facts! Not when you can tune in five nights a week to have Sean Hannity skip over all that dreary nuance and just tell you who to hate! Yes, the only downside to building an airtight case in the real world is that about 30% of your countrymen have elected to reside elsewhere, in a Shitty Wonderland where the cheapest imaginable con man is Christlike, and anyone who chooses to stand up for American democracy automatically becomes a villain, simply by virtue of opposing the Turd Emperor.

So of course there’s a coordinated attempt to smear Alexander Vindman as some sort of Ukrainian double agent, even as the right wing jagoffosphere attacks Fiona Hill, who has more patriotism in a single singed pigtail as the lot of them put together, as un-American because she sounds like one o’ them Game of Thrones people when she talks. Remember, the only point in destroying these brave, faithful, civil servants is to help Hairplug Himmler get away with using the powers of his office to extort a brave, faithful, ally. I’m sticking with the team that still values bravery and fidelity, thanks.

Team Treasonweasel was particularly upset Lt. Col. Vindman wore his uniform to the hearings, on account of how starkly it drew the Purple-Heart-winning Patriot/Treacherous Thug contrast for the viewers at home. Skidmark, Jr. was particularly unimpressed with Vindman, who has probably never, in his whole lifetime of service to the United States of America, done anything nearly as heroic as having Daddy buy him a spot on the bestseller list.

It’s almost as if it’s the very goodness, decency, and courage of the witnesses that brings out the snarling rage in these sniveling fucks. Marsha Blackburn has been flying under the radar a bit since ascending to the Senate, but she simply couldn’t stomach watching Vindman fight for his adopted nation, without exposing the oozing tumor she calls her soul. He’s worth 60 of you, Senator.

With all this rage and hate directed at a good man, simply for fulfilling his oaths while so many around him ignore or betray their own, is it any wonder the U.S. Army is looking at the necessity of providing Lt. Col. Vindman and his family extra protection? Remember back in the day, when you didn’t know what the words “stochastic terrorism” meant? Those were good fuckin’ days, weren’t they?

Even Kurt Volker and Tim Morrison, witnesses the GOP requested, added to the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, leading Devin Nunes to implicate his own half-chewed cud brain in the deep state conspiracy to turn the 2016 election back into a pumpkin, or whatever mindless drivel was leaking out of his pigfucking mouth hole that day.

Of course, we can forgive Devin for being peevish, what with Eric Swalwell reading that Daily Beast article, about the Ham Hammer’s ties to indicted Giuliani associate Lev Parnas, into the official record. At what point are you legally required to rebrand your so-called “political party” as an organized crime ring, I wonder? Can you spend super PAC money in the prison commissary? UPDATE: Devin’s problems got a whole helluva lot bigger while I was getting tonight’s blog up…

Despite the clear and overwhelming evidence of the criminal conspiracy emanating from the Shart House, retiring Texas Congressdisappointment Will Hurd mercilessly clubbed to death the last fleeting hope that the Republican Party might contain a handful of sane, rational, elected officials who would be willing do something radical, like maybe putting country before party, and standing up for the rule of law. Like, in five years, a “moderate Republican” will be one that advocates for potable water in the concentration camps.

Off-Brand Huckabee Knockoff Stephanie Grisham, perhaps out of boredom borne of never once doing her actual fucking job, decided to spread a sad, mean, little lie, that Obama administration officials left their Trumpist successors hateful little notes during the transition period, in addition to hiding thumbtacks on all the chairs, and also they installed pits of lava that everyone had to jump over like Mario and not Level 1-1 lava pits either, I’m talking some seriously sadistic Mario Maker shit here. Anyhow, Grisham’s compulsive, mendacious, craving for victimhood is deeply pathetic, and I’m honestly grateful I’m not that fucked up.

I was briefly hospitalized this week, because I read that Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo is concerned his association with Kid Kompromat is tarnishing his reputation ahead of a potential Senate run, and I laughed so hard I fractured three ribs. Mike, you have the reputation of a stupid, lying, crooked, malicious, disloyal, anti-American, autocrat stooge, and it is RICHLY deserved. Anyway, it looks like 2020 will feature Kansas’ Pompeo/Kobach primary competing with Alabama’s Sessions/Moore face-off in the finals of the Absolute Shitbag Olympics, that should be a real nail-biter.

We had another one of those “wow, that’s really great satire, nice w-NOPE IT’S FUCKING REAL” moments when a photographer captured a shot of the notes Weehands McNodick had scrawled out with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, before waddling out to whine in front of the cameras for a bit. Yeah, and somehow the doddering old fart who needs to write down “NO QUID PRO QUO” lest it vanish from his addled brain like Tiffany’s birthday perceives himself as a skilled and feared master negotiator, even as he gets repeatedly rolled by a ninth-rate crime lord like Kim Jong-un.

Because his actual record is merely a litany of crimes and failures, President Crotchvoid frequently takes credit for shit he had nothing whatsoever to do with, which makes sense, in fairness, because “Re-elect me so I can keep stealing and fucking shit up” isn’t a great message. Anyway, now he’s taking credit for an Apple factory in Texas, which has been open since 2013, but which he now claims sprang, fully-formed, from his spray-tanned forehead just this week. Hey, if you’re still falling for this garbage, you deserve your life.

Because basic human decency is partisan now, Iowa’s Joni Ernst is blocking reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, over closing the “boyfriend loophole,” and expanding protection to Native Americans and LGBTQ citizens. Basically, Joni wants a Violence Against Straight White Women Who Vote Republican The Rest of Y’All Can Go Fuck Yourselves Act, and I honestly can’t fathom how a person becomes so epically goddamn awful.

While Strawberry Shartcake can’t seem to find the time to read a chapter in an Economics 101 textbook on how trade works, he can be quite the fussy little micromanager when he wants to, as demonstrated by his insistence on overruling the Navy’s decision to expel Eddie Gallagher from the SEALs for being a MOTHERFUCKING WAR CRIMINAL. Golly, I sure wish the President cared as much, or fought as hard, for ordinary Americans as he does for psychotic murderers.

Benjamin Netanyahu got indicted on multiple counts of bribery and whatnot, and wasted no time whatsoever in attacking the very rule of the law, calling his prosecution a “coup,” and demanding investigations of the investigators. I tell you what, Martha, I knew right away that mean-looking Trump Boy Bibi’s been hanging out with was going to be a bad influence.

One of the many casual verbal spankings Fiona Hill delivered during her testimony was a denunciation of the conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election. Republicans on the Intel Committee responded with theatrical indignation, because, they said, while this is a lie spread by countless Republicans, and while they themselves spread countless lies of their own, this particular group of Republicans was innocent of parroting that particular lie, they had admitted Russia interfered in the 2016 election, GLOVE SLAP and pistols at dawn. Anyway, the President of the United States, pairing his already-potent pulpit with the Fux n’ Fiendz platform, called in to chat a bit with his favorite advisors (heaven help us), ranting like a loon who sprinkles meth and Alex Jones’ ballsweat on their morning cornflakes about Crowdstrike and Ukraine and Hillary Clinton waking him up in the middle of the night, yelling at him through the fillings in his teeth.

It might seem weird to you, watching the President of the United States giddily spreading Russian propaganda designed specifically to weaken and harm those same United States, but then you think about the trade war, and the sudden retreat in Syria that led to the release of dozens of ISIS prisoners, and you start to notice a fucking pattern, DON’TCHA?

It must also be noted, that equally important to regurgitating Daddy Vlad’s misinformation on national television, the Manchurian Manchild took special care to denounce Ambassador Yovanovitch…for not hanging his photo up in the embassy in Kyiv. It goes without saying that this, too, was a lie, but I confess the greatest mystery of Trumpism, for me at any rate, is how the slavering hordes of Cult45 can look at this quivering, terrified, coward, who is basically like What If You Drained and Distilled the Insecurity Out of Every Single Pimple on Every Single Tween’s Face and Shoved it into an Ill-Fitting Suit, and see “strength.”

Much to my surprise, Lindsey Graham keeps on finding residual scraps of dignity to throw away, launching a little bullshit show “investigation” into the Bidens, in hopes that the President will call him a Good Boy and take him out for a walk to poop in the Rose Garden. Smilin’ Joe wants you to know he’s not mad, Lindsey, just disappointed.

Early reports say a forthcoming Justice Department inspector general’s report takes a sloppy dump square in the middle of right-wing conspiracy theories about the Russia investigation (yes, the one that uncovered numerous crimes, including a coordinated foreign attack on our election; Republicans are mad that we investigated this, for some reason*), which was not, it turns out, a dastardly deep state NeverTrump plot against Saint Donald the Pure Except for the Stealing From Charity Thing Also the Pussy-Grabbing and Yeah Maybe We Should Just Drop It after all. Your QAnon-obsessed uncle back home will be dejected at this news, at least until he decides it’s only further evidence of just how deep the cover-up goes, maaaaaaaan, and retreats back into his fantasies of mass arrests of Democrats, followed of course by mass executions. Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with that dude, by the way.

Well, at the risk of seeming selfish, I have earned my fucking weekend, and I’m fucking well taking it. We’ll see how much the shitstorm subsides over the holiday week; I’ll check in once there’s a sufficiently high stack of madness at which to gape.

*The reason is that they are traitors.