American Madness Journal

 I was thinking, instead of a blog tonight, maybe I could just stand in the middle of the street and scream "what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” at the top of my lungs until I pass out. No? Well, since you're already here, I suppose I may as well document the madness, such...

 Man, Amtrak is phasing out the dining car! I love long train trips, and a solid 60% of the craziest conversations I've ever had have come in those charming-if-forced social interactions. The end of an era. Lucky for me, the news contains more than enough abject...

 I no longer miss 2016, when the government was kinda functional and democracy was relatively healthy; I'm increasingly nostalgic for the comparatively mild insanity of 2017, when Strawberry Shartcake still had a handful of adult babysitters, restraining his worst...

 So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year's Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I'm forced to conclude all this news I'm catching up on today is tragically...

 Y'know, in the future, when we've finally removed President Crotchvoid from office, I imagine newspapers will just SMELL better, don't you? Without all the incessant malice and blundering and hate? We've gotta put up with it for a little while longer, I suppose, so...

 I'm increasingly convinced none of this is really happening. At some point in the fall of 2016, I took a boat trip that I no longer recollect, during which I was swallowed by a whale, a whale which then swallowed a second boat, packed with hallucinogenic drugs, and...

  Hey hey, Shower Captives! Wouldja believe this humble Resistance With Poo Jokes blog celebrated its second birthday just yesterday? If you promise to stick around for my terrible twos, I promise to make them filthier than ever, starting with this week's...

  Well, it's a three day weekend, so there's only as much scandal as 7 years worth of the Obama presidency this time ‘round. It was actually the Tan Suitiversary a few days back, and by God, if we could survive that, we'll get through this whole “fascist criminal...

  My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn't call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,”...

  Once upon a time, they laughed at Warren Harding for pitching a “return to normalcy” but motherFUCK I would give my left arm, my eye teeth, a kidney, and half my comic book collection* for some goddamn normalcy right now. I want to sprinkle normalcy on my...

  Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let's dive in. The “feud”...

 Jane, I have asked, repeatedly, to be let off this crazy thing. This whole The West Wing, Only Stupid and Awful gimmick has more than run its course, and I'd very much like to watch something else now. All I want is to change the channel, but I can't find the fucking...

 I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to...

 I'm a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day's news consumption hasn't exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay? I missed this one last week, but it...

 Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I'm hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I...

 A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, committed mass murder on Saturday, so there aren't going to be any jokes tonight.A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, killed 22...

 How are you tonight, friends? Me, I'm good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It's CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let's get on with the roundup. I think I'm gonna just cut and...

 I don't know why I do this, y’all. Every damn day is the same, reading the news is like biting into a donut, hoping for raspberry filling, only to wind up with a mouthful of cat litter and broken glass. Oh well, I've built up some calluses on the roof of my mouth by...

  Yeah, things remain shitty, here in the Inception sequel where we break into David Duke's mind to...wait, what? This is real life? Fuck. You mean Rutger Hauer really died? Since his Big Stupid Trade War isn't pushing Americans into despair and poverty quick enough...

 So, the Trump 2020 reelection effort has just two messages at the moment: LOOK AT HOW RACIST I AM, AIN'T IT GREAT and HOW DARE THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA CALL ME RACIST. I can see how this might seem confusing, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll remember...

Rich Lowry emerged, bloodied and barely alive, but beaming, from the deepest, darkest recesses of the Take Jungle, having been presumed forever lost in the dense underbrush of the DeSantis Can Still Pull This Thing Off, Dangit columns of the long-forgotten Republican...

поздравления, comrades! Operation Jade Helm VIII: Joy Buzzer succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings, and soon, we shall deliver these hapless “United States” into the tan suit-clad arms of our DEI hire and a mere assistant coach! Muah hah hah hah hee hee ho ho hah...

Life’s just one long Downfall parody down at Marm-a-Lago these days, for the craven creep cabal brought low by the devastating simplicity of those two humble syllables: “joy” and “weird.” Plus, the Chief Creep got ketchup all over the printout of that nude selfie Kim...

I’d like to dedicate this week’s blog to all those puritanical pundits out there, clutching their pearls to powder over the exuberant outpouring of couchfucker jokes from the rejuvenated American Left. Sure, JD Vance spends his entire professional life spreading...

I’d like to formally retract any despair I may’ve expressed, or even felt, during the debate/ear diaper doldrums of late June/early July 2024. If there’s one lesson I should’ve absorbed over the course of 7+ years spent chroniclin’ the manic minutiae of MAGA madness,...