I’m a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day’s news consumption hasn’t exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay?

I missed this one last week, but it seems Jerk-of-All-Trades Mick Mulvaney has a clever little plan to chase some of those pesky scientists out of the federal government by relocating their departments to Kansas City. Ah, the notorious threat of Proximity to Delicious BBQ. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the inevitable reality TV show where Mick forces the entire Department of the Interior to share a couple of Winnebagos as they tour and inspect America’s national park system.

So, WaPo informs us that the Grifter Grand Wizard is shaking his tiny, inadequate, fists at the sky in rage, because his precious “brand” has become synonymous with racism. I don’t get it. The Central Park Five, the Muslim Ban, “build a wall” chants, “rapists and murderers,” shithole countries, attacks on Elijah Cummings and Baltimore and the Squad, the “very fine people on both sides” speech….old man, you’ve worked HARD for your reputation; fuckin’ OWN IT. It’s like if Ronald McDonald ran around in a sputtering fury, slapping anybody he catches saying “I’m lovin’ it.”

Like, folks’ve started to notice how much you like re-tweeting British hate-monger Katie Hopkins, who is on the extremely short list of Public Figures More Racist Than Donald Trump. When you’re using the presidential bully pulpit to platform a monster who literally tosses around phrases like “final solution,” and you’re still confused as to how your brand become essentially “the Klan, but gauche,” maybe you’re as stupid as you are racist, which is like, whoa, hellaciously stupid.

But look, in the interest of fairness, would a racist President try to get Israel to ban two Muslim Congresswomen from entry? Oh, I guess he would. So maybe he’s as petty as he is dumb and racist, too.

And surely it’s unfair to label a man “racist” just because he refuses to stop doing Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany’s voices to mock the leaders of South Korea and Japan, right? Big shout out to the Hamptons plutocrat class, who responded to Tangerine Idi Amin’s little stand-up routine not with condemnation, but with phat donation checks; we’ve developed a voracious appetite for boycotting you collaborating bastards.

Look, if you really want to clear this branding thing up, maybe you should take out some ads on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour; the rates are surely pretty reasonable, what with all the regular sponsors fleeing in the wake of Liar Tuck’s white-supremacy-is-a-hoax-just-ask-the-22-victims-of-the-apparently-imaginary-El-Paso-shooter controversy.

Lindsey Graham remains absolutely horny to repeal the ACA, promising voters that, if returned to power in 2020, his party will finally follow through on their promise to shorten millions of their constituents’ lifespans by stealing their health insurance coverage. It’s a weird pitch, particularly after the 2018 blue wave blowout, but if these clods insist on repeating their biggest mistakes, I certainly don’t intend to stand in their way.

Walmart finally solved America’s gun violence problem once and for all, ordering the removal of violent video game signage from their stores, and unplugging display consoles, because 9 out of 10 mass shooters are, as we know, motivated by the lingering resentment of being pulled away from the Smash Brothers demo before they’ve finished kicking Bowser’s ass. Pretty selfish of the Waltons to keep those stations open in spite of the tens of thousands of annual deaths they caused, but thank GOD, we’re out of the woods now.

Actually the gun problem got Bonus Double Solved with Sprinkles, since Universal decided to pull their latest braindead take on The Most Dangerous Game from release. Whew! I think of all of the lives this gesture will save, and that is zero lives, so maybe now that we’ve gotten all the stupid, stupid, shit out of our systems, we can focus on passing some MOTHERFUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS, huh?

Meanwhile, another would-be white supremacist Walmart shooter got arrested for threatening a mass murder of his own, but please don’t confuse that twerp with the one who got arrested for terrorizing a totally different Walmart, strolling through the aisles decked out like he was expecting to be teleported to Fallujah at any moment. What the fuck, is there some sort of Massacre a Walmart merit badge in the Jagoff Scouts?

In international news, the Velveeta Vulgarian renewed his contract on the property he’s been leasing half a foot up Kim Jong-un’s ass, once again massaging the third-rate, third-world, autocrat’s ego, while simultaneously trying to extort our long-time allies in South Korea. Kim, as always, repaid this show of humiliating deference by the leader of the world’s sole superpower by launching a bunch of missiles every seven minutes or so, because of how much he respects you, right Donnie?

Hey, you probably haven’t head about this, but I guess that Jeffrey Epstein fellah killed himself in prison. And America collectively raised one eyebrow in a single, unified, “what’s THIS fuckery, then?” expression, from sea to shining sea.

Now, because I only do this blog twice a week, all the Epstein takes are long gone by now, but I’ll say this; through reactions to this story, you found out EXACTLY how crazy every single person in your social media feed is, didn’t you? Suddenly, your high school choir teacher, who likes Lisa Murkwoski but seemed more or less stable, is all “THE DEEP STATE FAKED EPSTEIN’S DEATH AND SMUGGLED HIM THROUGH SECRET ILLUMINATI SEWERS INTO THE PIZZAGATE BASEMENT AND GAVE HIM PLASTIC SURGERY SO HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG HUME CRONYN NOW.”

Frankly, in comparison to some of the deeply insane shit I saw, I’m actually kinda disappointed in the “the Clintons strike again” crowd. Like, you’re the sweater-wearing suburbanites of conspiracy theorists; the REAL nutjobs find you quaintly pathetic. I bet you listen to James Taylor while you’re mainlining 8chan memes.

So yeah, maybe it was more than a little horrifying to see Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet casually accusing his former political opponent of murder, but it was also sort of phoned-in and lame. Isn’t normalization fun? Why, I bet when they start jailing Democratic Congressmen, we’ll barely even notice!

But never fear, Enabler General William Barr is on the motherfuckin’ case, y’all. He’s gonna get to the bottom of just what went wrong in that jail that (checks notes) William Barr, as head of the Justice Department, is ultimately responsible for. He’s already uncovered “serious irregularities.” Wow, can’t slip anything past you, Billy. Except apparently the life of the most famous prisoner in the entire fucking country.

Revolutionizing international diplomacy in his trademark “custard-brained dullard” style, Government Cheese Goebbels has apparently taken to communicating with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau via sharpie-scrawl-on-torn-off-magazine-cover; it’s all the little ways he finds to humiliate the country that show us (and Putin) that he really takes his job destroying America seriously.

I guess we’re up to 17 minutes of fame each now, because the fucking Mooch is back, and I guess he’s suddenly decided that pussy-grabbing bigots make bad presidents after all and can he pleez be a Resistance Hero™️now and also be on TV a lot? Whatever.

President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s phony evangelical base, utterly unmoved by the sexual assault, the children ripped from their parents’ arms and thrown into camps, the stealing from charity, the unapologetic incitement of white supremacist terrorism, or the decades of crimes against Perfectly Good Steak, may have finally hit their breaking point, because the Turd Emperor has taken their lord’s name in vain. Does anybody else want to sit these assclowns down someplace, and just ask them what they think the Bible says about stuff? Just out of morbid curiosity?

Stephen Miller and his new playmate Ken Cuccinelli sat down with their crayons (after removing the various shades of brown, of course) and worked up some new ways to fuck over legal immigrants, and Donnie Dotard was so proud of them, he stuck their finished project to the fridge with a magnet shaped of a jar of whitest mayonnaise. Again, the important thing here is that nobody interprets this obsessive focus on curtailing non-white immigration, while issues like the opioid crisis are totally neglected, as motivated by racism in any way.

Also, the administration famous worldwide for their seething hatred of people is branching out into the exciting new field of hatred of animals. Yeah, the myopic fuckers are weakening the Endangered Species Act, probably as direct vengeance for that one bald eagle video, because America’s bountiful natural heritage is for CUCKS.

And even Dr. Ronny Jackson can’t disguise the rapidly-expanding deficit, which has already eclipsed 2018’s full-year total. This must make Republicans really mad, unless maybe all their bellowing about the debt and the deficit is only a bullshit political cudgel to cynically wield against Democrats when they’re out of power, but they seem like such nice fellows, I’d hate to imply anything unseemly.

Okay, that’s all I got tonight, folks. I can’t say for certain I caught everything, in the midst of my NyQuil daze, but I don’t think I missed any wars…right?