Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Shitty Orwell Theatre Presents: We Have Always Been at War with Baltimore, and Other Tales
I don’t know why I do this, y’all. Every damn day is the same, reading the news is like biting into a donut, hoping for raspberry filling, only to wind up with a mouthful of cat litter and broken glass. Oh well, I’ve built up some calluses on the roof of my mouth by now, might as well do this shit.
Turns out there are some limits to the economic strategy of Watching TV All Day Like an Indoor Kid on Summer Vacation While Hitching a Free Ride on the Last Guy’s Prosperity Train, as the Commerce Department woke Wilbur Ross up just long enough to deliver disappointing growth numbers, including a downward revision of 2018 estimates. Look, at Donnie Dotard’s age, 2.1% growth is actually really impressive*.
Congratulations, taxpayers! It’s time for YOU to foot the bill for another multi-billion dollar round of Dipshit Trade War farmer bailouts! For a guy who rails against socialism all the time, the Carcinogenic Creamsicle sure does love socializing his fuckups! Anyway, I suppose the next logical step is to bail out all the families who lost an income or two in an ICE raid, right? RIGHT?
In the latest example of his all-consuming fixation on his predecessor, President Crotchvoid launched, totally unbidden, a deranged little rant blaming Obama for his own inability to hire a single staffer competent enough to operate a fucking thermostat. Imagine thinking something that petty, let alone saying it out loud to a room filled with reporters. Of course, you know there are tens of thousands of thoroughly brainwashed MAGAdrones all over this country, who hear that shit and shout ethnic slurs at their screens over the deep state conspiracy to make their beloved Turd Emperor slightly chilly at work.
Oh, and Fuckhead also called for an investigation into Obama’s book deal. And that might seem absolutely nucking futz to you, but you have to look at it from his perspective. Put yourself in his gout-warped shoes. “Look, in my experience, the President of the United States is a sub-literate, gibbering, fool. I’m so fucking stupid, I have to hire ghost writers to sign my fucking checks. Write a whole book? No chance.”
Jaggy MAGA Teen Nick Sandmann will not, alas, be handed a large of stack of the Washington Post’s money, because his funny little lawsuit, which tried to hold WaPo accountable not for content of their article but for his lawyer’s third-rate fanfic extrapolations from it, has been dismissed. Oh well, he’ll always have his throbbing sense of victimhood, which is more precious to a young conservative than fucking oxygen.
Government Cheese Goebbels is understandably concerned about his reelection prospects, what with all the failure and atrocity and whatnot. After his shockingly-racist-even-by-his-standards-and-those-standards-are-LOW-y’all attacks on the so-called Squad failed to rescue his approval ratings from the bottom of the Lollapalooza Port-a-Potty where they’ve been dwelling, he convened his brain trust to craft a new set of policy proposals designed to appeal to the American voter. JUST KIDDING he picked another enemy, and you’ll never guess what color that enemy’s skin is.
Yes, it’s Fuck Elijah Cummings and Fuck Baltimore for Electing Him Week at the Shart House, because that’s more fun to talk about than the anemic growth numbers. Congressman Cummings just subpoenaed some of his senior officials’ private communications, y’see, so it’s time to sic the
white supremacist hate mob, excuse me, the “Trump coalition” on him. If Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops prays at night, it’s for the stochastic terrorism to work quicker.
Like, I know we’ve been boiling this frog for a couple years now, but I admit I’m still not used to watching a politician openly proclaim his naked, unashamed, hatred of so many of his constituents. “No human being would want to live there,” he said, referring to a major city in the country he happens to be President of. That’s several hundred thousand non-humans, for the record…around 3 million, if we count the metropolitan area.
I don’t want to seem controversial, but I kinda believe that Dehumanizing People is Bad and the President Should Stop Doing It. There, I said it. Furthermore, the ease and speed with which he’s transferred the target for his dehumanizing hate speech from immigrants to American citizens is not exactly the bee’s knees, and I have to wonder if the inevitable “My Democratic opponent is a cockroach who must be exterminated” ads will be found to violate Facebook’s terms of service….
Anyway, it’s weird that this totally-not-about-race-how-dare-you beef with Charm City** has expanded to encompass Al Sharpton, but not, for whatever reason, Mobtown’s*** own pasty-white slumlord presidential son-in-law.
(Incidentally, Baltimore slaps back, and if you haven’t read this Sun editorial yet…treat yourself.)
Brad Parscale’s entire 2020 plan seems to consist of Strawberry Shartcake personally attacking every single African-American citizen, one by one, on Twitter, in the hopes that there are hidden enclaves of white folks who stayed home in the midterms because he just wasn’t quite racist enough, and if I had nickel for every horse race pundit breathlessly praising the brilliance of this “strategy,” my beer fridge would ne’er go unstocked again.
Mitch McConnell, in an uncharacteristic departure from his traditional posture of smug hypocrisy, is suddenly mega-pissy that everyone’s calling him out for blocking election security bills, calling him a “Russian asset” JUST BECAUSE he’s behaving exactly like a Senate Majority Leader would if he were a fucking Russian asset, in that he is BLOCKING ELECTION SECURITY BILLS. Honestly, what would a Russian asset do any differently? Jam a funnel in Chuck Schumer’s mouth on the Senate floor and pour borscht down his throat?
Wrinkly Gamera claims the bills are “partisan.” That’s right, folks. Defending the United States of America from a foreign enemy, which has attacked us, will attack us again, and according to Rugged Robert Mueller, is attacking us even as you read this hilariously juvenile blog, is PARTISAN. I mean, I was already a proud Democrat, but now that we’re the only team who thinks national security is a good thing, I may just set up automatic monthly donations.
And golly gee, it looks like Vlad Putin may have to interfere in his own country’s elections for a change, judging by his violent authoritarian crackdown on demonstrators over the weekend. By the way, you know Hairplug Himmler watches footage of Russian cops beating up protesters like Paula Deen peering through the window of a butter factory.
Dan Coats stood out like the sorest of thumbs in the Shart Administration, not only was he qualified for his post, he actually wanted to do his job and protect the U.S. from Russian interference rather than inviting our enemies over for scones and Mr. Pibb. So naturally, he’s been forced out, to be replaced by some random haircut called John Ratcliffe, who apparently landed the gig when Il Douche saw him babbling like howler monkey jacked up on bath salts on his magic teevee box. You may remember the last fellow who successfully auditioned for a cabinet-level post via televised Hannity-style monologue was the “masculine toilet” guy, and I can’t tell you how I pleased I am to realize that I have totally forgotten that particular twit’s name.
Anyway, the last grown-up has officially been kicked out of the slumber party, the kids have used daddy’s credit card to order 80 pounds of Sour Patch Kids on Amazon, and they’re taking a crowbar to the lock on the liquor cabinet. Hope my country survives. Tune in next week.
Signing the 9/11 First Responders bill his party had to be publicly shamed (for weeks) into passing, the Velveeta Vulgarian seized the opportunity to move on the spotlight like a bitch, hogging the credit for himself, refusing to invite any Democrats, even prominent co-sponsors, to the signing. Rand Paul wasn’t onstage, but that was only because he was lurking in the crowd, picking those filthy taker first responders’ pockets, muttering “job creators are the REAL heroes” under his breath.
And because he never met any valor he didn’t want to thieve, the Bonespur Buttplug revisited a favorite old lie, that he came down to ground zero himself, digging through the rubble with his normal, adequate, big boy hands, and certainly not bragging about how he now owned the tallest building in Manhattan thanks to Osama bin Laden taking out the competition, which of course is something only a complete psychopath would do.
Anyway, expect him to apply for a chunk of these funds. He’s done it before, after all.
Just to put the What the Fuck is Wrong with You cherry on the tackiness sundae, Shart-O actually made a joke about the stage collapsing. To the the 9/11 first responders. Never has one room been so utterly misread.
I bet you’re awfully proud to live in the land of free, right? We’ve got so much freedom here, any 19-year-old kid, warped by racist far-right “literature,” can wander over to a state with lax gun laws, get his hands on an assault rifle, and start slaughtering strangers at a festival! What’s that you say? What about the rights of the people he killed? Didn’t the two children he murdered have the right to decades of all the infinite sorrows and joys life has to offer? Don’t all of us deserve the right to walk around free from the fear that some heavily-armed maniac can, at any moment, turn any corner of this country into a war zone, on a whim?
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA HIPPIE?
Well, FUCK YOU, HIPPIE! This is MURICA, dammit, and why’re you wailing and moaning and lamenting the tragic loss of life, when you could be PROFITING OFF IT? That’s what demented cartoonist/sanctimonious conservative internet troll Scott Adams did! When opportunity knocks, you don’t wait for the bodies to cool, you PIMP YOUR SHITTY APP. (Sociopathy is a conservative value now. Alongside racism, ignorance, greed, and the Unforgivable Overcooking of Perfectly Good Steaks.)
And I better not hear any bleeding heart (GET IT HAW HAW HAW) whining about the synagogue shooting last night, either! Or the shootings in Wisconsin! Bullets have rights, flesh doesn’t, that’s in the Constitution!
Hey look, it seems Captain AmericaFirst runs his speeches by his foreign paymasters before delivering them, how thoughtful! Yup yup, back during the 2016 campaign, his plutocrat chum, Tom Barrack, served as a dutiful little errand boy for the government of the United Arab Emirates, who apparently paid for the privilege of sliding a few lines into a big energy speech, fun! Whelp, enjoy your federal investigation, Tommy Boy!
Anyway, the same team that outsources energy policy to Mid East oil barons wants to boot half a million needy kids off free school breakfast and lunch programs, because American greatness seems to be directly correlated with the suffering of children, at least in the eyes of the Clowncar Full of Rectums currently governing our country.
Goddammit, I insist on leaving y’all on a high note after wading through all this shit with me tonight. “But Cap, what possible good news could there be, here in the Gurgling Sewage Swamps of Shitty Wonderland?”
You remember Jason Kander? Well, it seems he’s made significant strides in his battle with PTSD, and while he’s not yet ready to leap back into electoral politics, he’s returned to public service, working to expand the Veterans Community Project, the very nonprofit that helped him when he needed it most.
Now, I can’t speak for you, but I find that inspirational as fuck. Jason’s just one of the tens of millions of good, good, people on our team, fighting to win our great country back from the grifters and the hate-mongers. Draw strength from his story, if you need it. I’ll see you soon, Resisters.
*Yes, this is a dick joke.
**Yes, I googled “Baltimore nicknames,” do you want me to just write fuckin’ “Baltimore” over and over?