Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I’m hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I wouldn’t still be paying my electric bill, so I guess we really are this fucked.

While we were all caught up in the whole “every public space is now a potential slaughterhouse, can we maybe do something about that?” thing, China called President Crotchvoid’s bluff, announcing it would suspend all U.S. agricultural imports, because it turns out the guy who doesn’t know how to close an umbrella was wrong when he said “trade wars are good, and easy to win,” who’da thunk it?

So, one insecure old fop, entirely out of his element, misunderstanding the very fundamentals of international trade, and terrified of seeming weak, just cost American farmers access to one of the largest markets in the world, access they may never get back. Y’know, the America-wrecking bargain Putin got for his modest investment in misinformation and troll farms is like finding a Picasso at a flea market with a $5 sticker on the back.

Remember John McCollister? The Nebraska state Senator with more guts than Ted Cruz, Mitt Romney, Susan Collins, and the whole dang U.S. Senate Republican caucus put together, by which I mean the bare-minimum level of integrity it takes to call Hairplug Himmler out for his white supremacist hate-mongering? Well, the Nebraska GOP wasted little time in letting him know that if you’re going to be denouncing racist terrorism, you’re just not welcome ‘round these parts no more.

You could make a killing in the pearl market right now, as countless thousands have been clutched to dust by conservatives in faux outrage over Rep. Joaquin Castro posting publicly available information on major Drumpf donors in his district. Y’see, rich folks want to finance the white supremacist monster who incites terrorism QUIETLY, without anyone knowing about it. They just want their tax cuts so they can go back to their gated communities while the serfs get massacred at Wal-Mart, is that really so wrong?

Yes, our plutocrat overlords are none too happy us peasants are holding them accountable for their support of the Grifter Grand Wizard. Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, facing widespread boycotts of his businesses, thinks he’ll get off the hook by claiming he’s only financing the non-cross-burny parts. Old man, it does not work that way. As someone who’s been trying for years to enjoy the pleasing buzz and refreshing taste of beer without taking on the resulting gut expansion, trust me, these things are package deals.

I’m thinking of opening a new regular segment here in the blog. I’ll call it Stochastic Terror Corner. I’ll pass out milk and cookies, and we can all sit cross-legged on the floor, wondering if any random passerby might be secretly harboring barely-controlled rage, inflamed by the Bigot-in-Chief, ready to explode in violence at any moment. Like, for example, the Montana man who attacked a thirteen-year-old boy, fracturing his skull…for not taking his hat off during the national anthem, inspired by his Turd Emperor’s rhetoric. One of the things I like most about Democratic politicians is that I never feel like they want us to assault children.

We also learned that Fat Q*Bert & co. opposed their own Department of Homeland Security’s efforts to combat domestic terrorism, and in all fairness, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to devote resources to stopping the very violence you’re working so hard to incite, now does it? Me, I think it’s kind of weird that the President of the United States would obstruct law enforcement agencies from protecting American citizens from known threats, but ultimately, defending the homeland is for CUCKS, right?

Vice President Mike Pants is taking a lot of heat for advising a group of his fellow fake Christians to “spend more time on your knees than on the internet.” Now, you’re probably expecting me to take the obvious joke, but to me, the funniest thing here is Mikey Hairshirt’s ridiculous claim to piety and moral authority. Bro, in your role as sidekick and chief enabler to that child-caging, terrorist-inspiring, democracy-wrecking, wannabe dictator, you’re not just profoundly immoral, you’ve earned a seat at the Very Worst People in All Human History table. The buffet is complimentary, but everything is seasoned with the blood and tears of the innocent.

The House Judiciary Committee filed a lawsuit to enforce their subpoena against former Shart House counsel Don McGahn, and I keep telling you, all this procedural crap may be important, but it sure ain’t funny. Just…I dunno, picture Jerry Nadler throwing a pie in McGahn’s face, and let’s all agree to move on to the next story.

Tucker Carlson chose this week of all weeks to proclaim that white supremacy is a “hoax,” which is a bit like standing on a soapbox in 1918 and screaming that influenza is imaginary. Anyway, Liar Tuck is now embarking on the traditional Fux Nooz host post-saying-something-appalling “vacation,” probably to give a few seminars on timing. Let’s make sure he has fewer advertisers than ever waiting to greet him when he gets back, shall we?

Speaking of subpar white dudes with delusions of adequacy, the State Department suspended a staffer over his links to a local white supremacist group, I guess because Stephen Miller doesn’t have enough sway at Foggy Bottom to get the little creep promoted. Heh. I guess they’re gonna REPLACE HIM now.

Obviously the big story this week was the Marmalade Shartcannon’s big Dayton/El Paso Grievance n’ Whinging Tour. Huge shoutout to every pundit who fell for his O-So-Presidential, Big-Boy-in-Pull-Up-Diapers, TelePrompTer Tone the other day, I would love to play poker with you some time. Donnie Dotard spent the day hiding like a coward from a public that loathes him, and SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING CAMPAIGN ADS in the two hospitals. “Look at me posing with the people who got shot because I inspire terrorism,” seems like a tough sell to me, but it’s marginally better than “I cut your boss’ taxes and tried to steal your healthcare,” I suppose.

None of the patients in El Paso wanted to meet with him, which is understandable, since it can’t possibly be sanitary to allow a Walking Sack of Hippo Shit into your hospital room. Well, sucks to be you, LOSERS, and not just because a white supremacist terrorist tried to murder you, cuz you missed out on the Manchurian Manchild blathering incoherently on the subject of crowd size. I know I hype this “the President is a sociopath” thing all the time, but imagine visiting the victims of a terrorist attack you yourself inspired, and bragging to them about how many Klansmen turn out to watch you rant like some Methhead George Wallace.

The deranged old fuck actually brought previously-discharged patients BACK to the El Paso hospital for his lil’ photo op. And then he spent the bulk of the day shitting on Joe Biden, Beto O’Rourke, Sherrod Brown, and all the other Democrats who make him wake up in a cold sweat, as his 2020 electoral defenestration draws ever nearer, and with it, the loss of the legal immunity his office grants him. Tick tock, motherfucker.

Well, the Viagra doesn’t work for Stephen Miller anymore, so ICE went down to Mississippi to snatch a bunch of undocumented immigrants away from their terrified children. Donald Trump may be awful at shepherding legislation, conducting trade and foreign policy, and pretty much every other aspect of his job, but he’s the Michael Frickin’ Jordan of inflicting trauma on little kids.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Aldaoud, the diabetic son of refugees, who came to the United States as a baby, died after being deported to Iraq (where he had never lived), because he didn’t know anyone there, couldn’t speak the language, and couldn’t get ahold of insulin. As a smarter man than I put it, the cruelty is the point.

And the Authoritarian Goon Squad Squatting in our Executive Branch is said to be working up an executive order designed to make social media companies stop saying such mean things about Shart Garfunkel’s incompetence and his tiny, inadequate, hands. I wonder who’s in charge of that doomed little endeavor? Probably a bunch of interns chugging Mountain Dew and scarfing down Funyuns in the Roosevelt Room, shouting at their phones, “Siri, how can I shred the First Amendment into the finest possible confetti?”

So…Lucy McBath is one of the most awesome new Representatives in our mega-awesome freshmen House class, but in a better America, she’d never have run in the first place. McBath became a gun control activist, and later a candidate for office, because her son, Jordan Davis, was shot and killed by an armed white maniac who figured his temporary proximity to a car full of teenagers playing loud music gave him the right to end human lives.

I’m sure you’ll agree it’s fairly natural, and entirely human, for family members of shooting victims to become gun control activists; who better understands the grief they’re working to spare the rest of us? So when the NRCC responds to her call for action in the wake of the weekends’ dual firearm massacres with a sneering “Anything for a quick buck, Lucy!” you could be forgiven for wondering if basic human decency was still a thing.

Bad news, Resisters, Team Treasonweasel has finally uncovered the one secret weapon that will guarantee an electoral college blowout so complete, we’ll be lucky if we can keep California and New York blue. Yes, he’s aiming to pardon that most beloved of Democrats, Rod Blagojevich*, which, as Jared Kushner (that wily devil) knows, will surely cause a mass exodus of liberals to his shit-stained banner. Anyway, I fully support Littlefinger’s continued reliance on Jar-Jar’s sage political advice.

And now we learn Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions have been turning fat staxx of documents related to the Shart Family Robinson’s business dealings with Russia over to congressional and New York state investigators. The piss hooker budget alone is said to be shocking.

Deputy DNI Director Sue Gordon became the latest adult-in-the-room to get forced out of the intelligence community by the Tantruming Tangelo Toddler, who will always place his personal ego above national security concerns. I imagine that observation has been made by, oh, let’s just conservatively say, EVERY SINGLE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AND TERRORIST ORGANIZATION ON THE PLANET, but I’m sure there will be no real-world consequences.

Before I leave you, Resisters, can I urge you to turn up the heat on the gun control issue? We’ve got a lot of momentum right now, McBath-bashing notwithstanding. Shit, we’ve even got a Republican Rep supporting an assault weapons ban now! Call your Congressthing, let’s force Moscow Mitch to betray his NRA paymasters! Let’s save some lives!

*Fun fact: Rod Blagojevich is the only American Governor on whose lawn I have urinated.