Man, I definitely needed the annual birthday week detox this year. Good to let the poison drain outta the ol’ noggin from time to time, y’know? Anyway, I couldn’t possibly have missed much, it was just one week. We didn’t join any axes of evil while I was gone, did we?

…ah, I see. Well, just the one, though? That’s not so bad.

While Off-Brand Orbán’s shameful betrayal of Ukraine will almost certainly push his coveted Nobel Peace Prize permanently beyond the reach of those stunted, ineffectual digits, it did earn the prestigious Second Scoop from Putin’s personal ice cream freezer, said to rival even Pelosi’s in variety.

After failing at so many endeavors, from airlines to casinos to pandemic management to his lifelong struggle with the wily umbrella, I think he may have finally found his one true calling, with this “Judas” thing.

He’s certainly thrown himself into the work, pausing military aid and intelligence sharing, even pressuring private companies to cut off Ukraine’s access to satellite imagery, to say nothing of ordering a halt to cyber operations targeting Russia. Sources say he’s gone so far as to forward his piss hooker invoices to Kyiv, in Zelensky’s name. To show his appreciation, Putin launched a missile at a hotel containing U.S. citizens.

Oh, and in a bit of fuckery so inspired, it earned a round of applause from Harlan Crow’s sculpture garden, the vindictive little turd disabled targeting on the HIMARS deployed on the front fuckin’ lines. I guess American weapons come with a JUST KIDDING LOL button. Yeah, it’s right next to the Diet Coke button. You gotta read the fine print on that shit, “Seller reserves the right to switch sides mid-battle.”

Oddly enough, our oldest, closest allies no longer feel comfortable sharing intel with us. Huh.

Wanna hear something adorable? Secretary Rubio genuinely convinced himself that the guy who relentlessly mocked him as “Little Marco” would allow him to run the snack counter at Foggy Bottom, let alone the whole dang State Department. Bless his heart.

Now reports say Infinitesimal Marco is all pouty that he’s rarely consulted on matters of diplomacy. Why, he didn’t even know to bring his own knife to the Zelensky ambush. Do you know how embarrassing it is to backstab a head of state with a ball point pen?

Also on the diplomatic front, JD Vance just keeps on winning friends n’ influencing people, with his uniquely doughy brand of nationalistic braggadocio. Nothing a few billion in new tariffs can’t fix, surely.

JD doesn’t seem to’ve made any new friends on his Vermont ski vacation, alas. Perhaps he should’ve brought his Hitler-quoting Xwitter pal, “Captive Dreamer” along.

Incidentally, Trade War II (III? IV? XXXVII? Who can keep track anymore?) lasted almost a day this time, before the Dotard relented, rolling back the lion’s share of the 25% tariffs he imposed on our neighbors/largest trade partners/potential 51st states. Just long enough to obliterate a few trillion dollars in market value.

Now, the intentional destruction of our own economy was always gonna be a tough sell, but the messaging sure shifted from “lower prices on day one” to “lie back and try to enjoy the recession” in a hurry, didn’t it?

“Access to cheap goods is not the essence of the American Dream,” scolded Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, but that’s okay, since Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin insists Americans will happily suffer to indulge Dear Leader’s disastrous delusions. And if you don’t like it, well, as Karoline Leavitt so lovingly put it, “It’s not up to you, you’re not the President.”

Golly, if that doesn’t turn those persnickety consumer confidence numbers around, I don’t know what will.

Aw, that stuff’s all fake anyhow. I mean, can GDP or whatever even capture the economic benefits of all the backyard chicken farms springing up around the nation? And to think, for too many Americans, without Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins’ inspiration, bird flu might’ve remained a distant abstraction.

Exempted from the tariffs is precious, Canadian cod liver oil, essential to combat the measles outbreak we have somehow managed to dumbfuck our way into in this, the third decade of the twenty-first century. My advice to our erstwhile allies is to restructure your economies around treatments for long-eradicated diseases. Anybody who can engineer a pet door that lets chickens in but keeps plague rats out is gonna make BANK.

Honestly, it’s hard to blame Republicans for hiding from their constituents. What’re you gonna say at a town hall? “While the Dipshit-in-Chief is indeed doing massively damaging things for incomprehensibly stupid reasons, I am obviously far too cowardly to stand up to him”?

‘Course, the protests are all fake, too. George Soros broke out the ol’ globalist Rolodex, got the band back together. Mike Johnson always looks so pleased when he’s spreading the Soros-funded paid protesters hoax, have you noticed that? Positively beams. You know “blame widespread backlash to my party’s mismanagement on the Jews” was at the very top of his bucket list.

But if you really wanna see Speaker Moses’ eyes twinkle, wait till the conversation turns to Elon’s Magical Mystery Algorithm, an all-seeing, all-knowing Computer Thingamajig that roots out fraud n’ waste because COMPUTERS.

Now, is this the same algorithm that decided we don’t need any silly “technicians” overseeing our nuclear arsenal? It sure is. But it told Mike there’s zero waste in a Chief of Staff who drives drunk, so his faith remains unshakable.

Meanwhile, Musk has become Schrödinger’s Oligarch, simultaneously leading the crusade against the dastardly deep state personally, and humbly offering mere counsel to Cabinet secretaries who are Definitely in Charge of Their Own Departments and Making These Decisions Themselves as is Required by Law™️, depending on the needs of the moment.

In Maine, you can no longer get a Social Security number for your newborn at the hospital, because Elon fired the public servants who did that job. Why? Because Elon enjoys firing people. (Especially veterans!) Sure, these folks provided a necessary service, but not firing them wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun as firing them.

Perhaps the Holy Algorithm is designed to maximize not efficiency, but opportunities for a megalomaniac to play God. I’ve heard that if you shoot ketamine directly into your eyeball at the precise moment you destroy a weather forecaster’s life, the rush is fucking intense, man.

I confess I was initially skeptical of DOGE’s rampage, but that was before I heard about the STRATEGIC CRYPTO RESERVE. Look, you have to admit we’ve fallen woefully behind in the stockpiling of imaginary resources. The last thing you want is to find yourself reliant on Chinese phlogiston during a crisis, trust me. Bad enough we’re at the mercy of the goddamn Saudi flubber barons.

Over at the Pentagon, they’re in such a mad, sloppy rush to purge every trace of DEI, they’re deleting references to the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb. And it’s about time. To this day, the Enola Gay turns as many as 75% of visitors to the National Air and Space Museum homosexual.

Perhaps this was the work of DoD’s new deputy press secretary, Kingsley Wilson, though in her defense, her history of racist and anti-Semitic tweets is probably not particularly uncommon on Pete Hegseth’s staff.

In this brave new world of populism triumphant, all any red-blooded American needs to get a one-on-one meeting with the President of the United States is five million dollars. Or, if you’re a tightwad, one million purchases access to a group buttsuckle. My sources (coughcoughLindseyGraham) tell me the third pimple from the top on the left cheek is his favorite. Nibbling is okay, but be careful not to bite.

I guess English is America’s official language now, but did you read the fine print? It’s like…almost English, but not quite. There’re all these random, nonsensical capitalizations, and misspellings, like “stollen” and “smocking.” Damndest thing.

I see acting U.S. Attorney Ed Martin is still having an Enola Gay old time abusing the powers of his office, demoting January 6th prosecutors, and threatening law schools. I’m already looking forward to Susan Collins’ indignant speech, as she casts the decisive vote to confirm him to Supreme Court.

If disgraced wrestling promoter Linda McMahon truly wants to dismantle the Department of Education, she should give her shitbag husband an office near the break room; shouldn’t take more than a week to accumulate enough sexual harassment lawsuits to bankrupt the joint.

So, yeah…lots going on. And I didn’t even get to the ebola outbreak or the purge of US immigration courts or the attacks on free speech and Social Security and also I guess Canada has been taken over by Mexican cartels, that seems important.

Oh, right! I’m told a man in an ill-fitting suit, apparently suffering from dementia, gave some sort of speech? I dunno, I watched Daredevil that night.

Ok, I’m setting up an auxiliary tip jar this week. One for beer, one for feed for my new backyard chicken, Doug. Both accept Venmo, Cash App and PayPal. And as ever, I can always use new signups on the email list at showercapblog.com, or new followers @john_luzar. Oh, and Doug says to stay safe out there, friend…