So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year’s Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I’m forced to conclude all this news I’m catching up on today is tragically real, rather than just the shittiest trip ever. Fuck.

We’ve all watched Beto O’Rourke emerge as a defiant voice for gun control these last few weeks, (I guess a white supremacist terror attack in your beloved hometown gets under your skin) and naturally the gun nut crowd is displeased. So displeased in fact, that some swollen buttpimple by the name of Briscoe Cain, who, despite a few readily-apparent personality disorders, has become a member of the Texas House of Representatives, threatened to murder him on Twitter. I dunno, if I was arguing to keep assault weapons legal, I would probably avoid making public death threats, but then, I suppose I would also be as malicious, stupid, and crazy as Briscoe Cain.

Deep State Judicial Wizards have resurrected a previously-dismissed emoluments clause lawsuit against the Marmalade Shartcannon, raising hopes that the rule of law might still be a thing. Remember back when “hey, the presidency isn’t an invitation to leave a bribe jar on the edge of the Resolute desk, asshole” was a bipartisan position?

Because we live in hell, our Dolt President is justifying his war on energy-efficient light bulbs by complaining that they make him look orange. Setting aside the catastrophic price all life on Earth is being asked to pay to feed a petty narcissist’s vanity, let me just point out that it isn’t the lighting that makes him look like a saggy, dead-eyed, mound of bacon grease with the pissed-in straw from the bottom of a rabbit cage on top, either.

Princess Ivanka told a roomful of megarich GOP donor jagoffs she got her moral compass from her father, which likely means he initially grabbed it out of some other woman’s pussy, possibly even while Ivanka’s mom was pregnant with her, and gave it to her as an Xmas gift. Anyway, that’s not a compass, that’s a plunger that’s been used so much it’s falling to pieces.

One of the cool things about Fux Nooz (if you’re absolutely fucking awful, anyway) is that you can go on and say “Hey, remember all the super-racist shit that one terrorist mass-murderer said to justify his racist terrorist mass-murder? I think he was super-right about that stuff!” Job-Outsourcing Hitler Youth Tomi Lahren certainly took advantage of that opportunity, ranting about the need for all patriotic (white) Americans to keep small arsenals in order to shoot immigrants, and I’m sure it brings a smile to the El Paso terrorist’s face, seeing his beliefs parroted from such a potent platform.

But it’s not all waffles and stochastic terrorism over at Shart Garfunkel’s personal propaganda outlet, as a federal appeals court reinstated Seth Rich’s parents’ lawsuit, which will hopefully deter the right-wing shitbagosphere from further terrorizing grieving families with nutjob conspiracy theories designed to keep their rube audience in a state of perpetual frenzy. Looking at YOU, Alex Jones.

The parasitic Sackler family is using every arcane trick they can find to shuffle their money around in order to maintain the lavish lifestyle they’ve built for themselves atop an almost inconceivably high stack of American corpses. Whether they’re transferring hundreds of millions to shady Swiss bank accounts or trying to minimize damages by having their opioid-dispensing murder machine, Purdue Pharma, file for bankruptcy, these tar-souled demons are just looking for a little discount on their long-overdue accountability, is that really any different than clipping the Sunday coupons?

An intelligence community whistleblower filed a complaint last month, but the DNI insists on hiding it from the American people and Congress, because look, Donald Trump is having a hard enough time making the case for re-election just with the crimes we already know about. Similarly, Bronco Billy Barr says the House Judiciary Committee can’t see can’t see the grand jury files from the Mueller investigation because of whatever bullshit Calvinball rules he pulled out of his ass this time, because fuck you, we’re just running out the clock, whaddya gonna do about it, Nadler?

The Nazism is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE at the Department of Homeland Security, where some mystery fuckhead apparently felt comfortable tagging the joint with a swastika. DHS. I guess I was hoping the first fascist graffiti in the executive branch would pop up somewhere comparatively less horrifying, like maybe on the outside of Scott Pruitt’s old soundproof wank booth, but I suppose I really ought to be used to disappointment (and atrocity) by now.

So I guess I have to talk about Brett Kavanaugh’s penis now. We keep learning terrible new things about this penis. Things that are as far from “harmless fun” as they could possibly be, whatever the New York Times says. It is a penis with a history of being shoved into the hands and faces of women who did not want Brett Kavanaugh’s penis shoved anywhere near them. It is a penis whose nefarious activities Brett Kavanaugh seems to have lied about, repeatedly, under oath, during his Senate confirmation hearings, which is a crime, and probably grounds for impeachment. It is a very bad penis indeed.

The Republican response to these new, credible, corroborated, allegations that absolutely fit a well-established pattern has been righteous indignation on behalf of the victims. Wait, that’s not quite right; I mean “righteous indignation on behalf of the abuser.” The GOP wants us to know the real (or “only”) victim here is the lying, drunken creep who has only ever wanted to use his position of privilege and power to make life shittier for all the little people.

Ted Cruz, taking a page from his Turd Emperor’s playbook, assaulted the media for conducting the investigation he and his stooge colleagues were so desperate to avoid. Lindsey Graham, still perplexed at women voters’ jarring shift away from his party in 2018, certainly isn’t going to let the “scurrilous accusations” of a common whore force him to do anything silly like “uphold the law.” And we can now add what I’ll call the “Shapiro Standard” to the lexicon, thanks to Creeptastic Manboy Ben Shapiro’s skeevy insistence that no sexual assault accusation is credible if the victim can’t carve a perfect facsimile of the attacker’s genitals from a block of marble.

Yeah, Kavanaughty is such a fundamentally dishonest person, you wouldn’t trust him with manager’s keys at a 7-11, but Republicans think it’s appalling to suggest he shouldn’t remain one of the most powerful human beings in the world. And Redactor General William Barr, looking to rub salt in America’s wounds, actually gave the team who shepherded the scummy little dirtbag’s confirmation through the Senate in spite of his crimes a prestigious award, usually reserved for badasss prosecutors who fuck up terrorists or organized crime rings, because turning the greatest democratic experiment in human history into a festering pile of rhino shit is the Republican Party’s motherfucking mission statement.

Following a drone attack on an oil processing facility in Saudi Arabia, the Offal in the Oval took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim, “Fear not, America, I am dutifully perched by the phone, awaiting instructions from my foreign paymasters,” further vowing to blindly accept the findings of the same murderous thugs who concluded Jamal Khashoggi ran into a doorknob and dismembered himself. Obviously, when he says “America first,” that wasn’t meant to cover the military chain of command, which, according the Constitution, ends in Riyadh.

(Starting a new Middle East war ten minutes after defenestrating John Bolton seems tauntingly cruel, like buying a child the pony they’ve always wanted, only to cook it and eat it right in front of them.)

One of the signs of Hairplug Himmler’s rapid mental decline is the increased sloppiness of the gaslighting. In attacking the dastardly fake news media for reporting that he would merrily meet with Iran with nary a pre-condition, the Dotard seems to have forgotten about all of the times he said he would do just that, with own little sphincter of a mouth. In front of cameras. Or all the times he marched one of his toadies out to say so. Again, in front of cameras. Look, if you want to destroy the very idea of objective reality, put the fucking work in, you lazy lump.

Manhattan prosecutors have subpoenaed 8 years’ worth of Fat Q*Bert’s tax returns, and they’ve even ordered his lawyers to clean all the grubby, oddly-small, burger grease fingerprints off of ‘em before delivery. Anyway, we’re probably less than a week away from Old Shartful ordering the entire U.S. Army to protect his most desperately-guarded criminal secrets from the long arm of the law.

Milo Yagotnoplatformnomo has officially been evicted from a furry convention, continuing the most hilarious and well-deserved downward spiral in human history. I sincerely hope this Scumbag Humiliation show gets renewed for several more seasons.

And just like that, all the pleasant feelings from my riotous weekend have been washed away in a flood of news sewage. Sigh. It’s vital to renew the soul from time to time, but the work remains, doesn’t it, Resisters?

PS – You should click on this.