Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This Week in Hell: Idiot White Men and the World They’re Ruining
It’s weird to be so confined, so solitary and stationary, while this mad age whizzes by on the screens of our little devices. It’s like being trapped, barefoot, on a treadmill made of sewage and broken glass that we can never, ever, ever, ever shut off. Yup yup, havin’ the time of my dang life over here. Anybody up for the news?
Obviously, Vlad Putin has a lot to be happy about when he surveys his modest investments in the Tearing America Apart From the Inside Out industry; the President has, beyond the occasional verbal stumble, proven an exemplary employee. However, it must be noted the Biden/Burisma division has been underperforming during a crucial period, which, honestly, you pretty much have to expect when you leave a walking thumb like Ron Johnson in charge of any task that requires the use of a human brain.
Like a child forcing his parents to sit through a magic show in the back yard, Johnson unveiled the results of his silly little ratfucking “investigation,” and the only October surprise here is that RoJo somehow still believes his feeble intellect is capable of any deception more sophisticated than Got Your Nose.
Speaking of distressingly powerful white mediocrities who’ve mistaken themselves for geniuses, I see Rand Paul is in the news again. Feeling extra pleased with himself, Senator Paul took aim at Dr. Anthony Fauci, unleashing a volley of horseshit that ultimately landed like a cartoon anvil right on Rand’s own smug little meat head, en route to his groin, because Doctor Tony was not in any sort of fool-tolerating mood. And while it’s always welcome amusement whenever such a raging jagoff crashes and burns so spectacularly, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this was a United States Senator using his platform to spread dangerous, anti-scientific misinformation during a public health crisis.
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump is racist, GASP FAINT! New reporting from the Washington Post delivers a veritable Pepperidge Farm gift basket of anti-Black, anti-Semitic, and anti-Hispanic statements and actions from the Grifter Grand Wizard. The article is awful to read, of course, but it’s as likely to hearten a Cult45er as disgust a Democrat; that’s the conversation we’re really having right now…isn’t it, America?
Well well well, I see Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot refuses to commit to continuing the USA’s greatest, most important tradition: Prime Day. Wait, that’s not right, I meant to say, “the peaceful transition of power.”
Even the oozing plague rat scrotum Donnie Dotard calls his brain is capable of processing the odds of a world-renowned Botcher of Pandemic Responses, Crasher of Economies, and General Fucker-Up of More or Less Everything prevailing in a free and fair election, and thus the incumbent President of the United States has decided to end for all time, violently if necessary, American democracy.*
If he can.
I certainly understand his anxiety. The gutless creep can’t stick a toe outside his wingnut safe space without meeting thunderous VOTE HIM OUT chants (and fleeing them like a coward, naturally). Aw, not as much fun as leading a seething wad of maskless yokels in a rousing round of LOCK HER UP while COVID-19 frolics through the crowd, is it, Fuckface?
But yeah, sure was a fun week, wasn’t it? Sussing out the fascist dolt’s powers and options? Trying to figure out which gates are still guarded by decent American patriots, and which have already fallen to stooges and brownshirts? And you breathe a little easier when you hear the military push back on the idea of being deployed against the public by a cornered Nazi rat, yes, but oh, how you long for the days when you never imagined you’d lose of wink of sleep over such things.
Lizard-Eyed Medicare Fraudster Rick Scott casually proposed an insidious new law that would, in what I’m sure is just a wacky coincidence, disproportionately disenfranchise Democratic voters, by requiring any ballots not counted within 24 hours to be shat upon and burned, and I must say, the increasingly authoritarian Republican Party is gettin’ sorta brazen lately in their thirst to remove American citizens’ rights. How do they imagine this will go for them?
Because there’s been quite a lot of Senate Republican malfeasance in the news this week, and while one must grudgingly acknowledge Mitch McConnell’s virtuosic mastery of procedural fuckery, he and his team of plutocrat assclowns are about to learn they’ve made some erroneous assumptions about the sustainability of a system where a handful of wealthy white idiots reward themselves for losing control of a pandemic, resulting in economic carnage and hundreds of thousands of deaths, by stealing the rights of the very constituents they’ve failed so unforgivably. You’re gonna get torches and pitchforks on your lawns, my dudes. Fair warning.
Desperate to halt the mass migration of elderly voters into Handsome Joe Biden’s lovin’ arms, Strawberry Shartcake figured he’d try an insultingly minuscule, probably illegal bribe. Lord.
“Hi, I’m so cataclysmically fucking awful at my job that you’ve been trapped inside your homes for seven fucking months, with no respite in sight; I’ve stolen precious time from the golden years you worked your entire life to earn, and not only do I golf every goddamn week rather than working to alleviate your suffering, at my rallies, me n’ my loser rage cult laugh our asses off at how little your lives matter to us. Anyway, here’s a week’s grocery money, we’re all good, right?”
In true Trump fashion, seems the Dotard failed to investigate whether or not he can actually deliver his wee kickbacks before shooting his butthole mouth off, and I guess the only thing worse than offering the equivalent of a Starbucks gift card to the people he’s failed so badly is making the promise and then breaking it. It is really quite subtle, the Art of the Deal.
Ron DeSantis celebrated his state’s 14,000th Covid death by lifting all restrictions on Florida businesses, allowing bars and restaurants to operate at full capacity, sending a clear signal that the coronavirus is under control, which is kinda weird, since the coronavirus is decidedly not under control, in Florida of all places. When you report 2,847 new cases and 120 new deaths on the very same day you bellow EVERYBODY BACK IN THE WATER, I feel like you’re sending mixed signals, and not in a fun, flirty way but a Looking at This From a Certain Angle It’s Murder sort of way.
What Ron-Ron is doing here is actively facilitating the spread of a deadly disease among the very population he’s charged with protecting; and he’s doing it to falsely project safety and normalcy, hoping to trick voters into backing the odious buffoon who let the damn virus have its way with the country in the first place. It’s all so very, very evil.
All in all, a difficult week for anyone with an emotional stake in believing conservative men named Ron have anything between their ears but cobwebs and gerbil turds.
I think history will mark the day when Bilious Bill Barr hopped aboard the Bad Ship Shartanic as the precise point when the shitstorm went atomic. Barr took a ragtag mob of crooks, bigots, and wannabe dictators and showed them the U.S. government isn’t just gonna corrupt itself, you gotta go out there and corrupt it with your own two hands, boys! And he’s carried that can-do attitude to Team Treasonweasel’s efforts to destroy the republic ever since, to the dismay of every decent American.
The DoPJ**’s latest scheme involved the breathless and entirely-inappropriate revelation of an investigation into some Pennsylvania ballots that were surely intercepted by Captain Antifa and his band of Soros-funded cyborg ninjas. This story was, of course, rapidly debunked, not that fact-checking ever stops the Children of the Candy Corn from carving a lie into stone.
And it looks like the SCOTUS pick really is gonna be theocrat gun nut Amy Coney Barrett, so if you were expecting the tone of the discourse to chill with the weather, I mean, shit, have you MET 2020? We’re on a bullet train to the lowest circle of Hell, my friend, you must have noticed by now.
Ok, what else? The money keeps rolling in over at the Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide. The six(ok, seven)-pack that donates to all the closest Senate races is understandably popular, but there are a lot of great House candidates who could use your help, too.
And hey, we just got the go-ahead from Kickstarter regarding my second comic book as a writer: MINE! Click here to sign up to be notified when we launch the campaign next week, it’s a nifty little space fable about leadership and limitations, I think it’ll appeal to politically-minded folks like y’all.
Hey, just a head’s up, my plan is to get the next blog up on Monday rather than the customary Tuesday night, so I can watch the debate. That’s the plan, but we all know what 2020 does to plans. One way or another, I’ll see you soon; stay safe out there, okay?
*At the risk of editorializing, I believe this is Bad.
**Department of Perverted Justice
At the very beginning of this blog I thought, “Cap is waxing poetic tonight”. Then it came to the part about the sewage and broken glass treadmill, so I knew I hadn’t landed on someone else’s blog by mistake. I am experiencing mood issues these days; one minute I’m all happy and excited, thinking Joe will win, and I get out my letter that I am writing to him. I need to let him know about my plans for reversing the cockwomble administration. Then I hear on NPR about the votes that were tossed and that made me feel a little panicky. But later on I read in “The Daily Kos”, that the votes were put in the trash b/c they didn’t have their security envelopes and the repubs had just won a lawsuit which made that type of mistake invalidate the vote. That definitely made me happy – just thinking about those idiots punching themselves in their dicks and moaning, “Who thought THAT was a good idea”? Eventually, I realized that the 30 or so % of the voters will only get as far on this as the bit where trump’s votes were thrown away and that will delight them. “Finally,” they will say, “we have proof that Dear Leader was right to warn us about the corruption of mail-in voting”. So that’s a depressing line of thought for me and it just goes on like this all day, day after fucking day. So glad you asked me how I’m doin’.
A new idiom that is descriptive of oh so many “Their brain cells are practicing social distancing”
Stay strong my brother. We shall persevere.
Our beloved evil overlords are pissing me off every day, just an unrelenting torrent of bullshit and stupidity, greed and insanity. Cap, you’re doing a great job keeping an eye on these republiturds! I hope reason prevails and America survives this chaos, virus and mal-administration. Peace.
As they said on the Lincoln Project the other night, “WE WILL VOTE. HE WILL LOSE. HE WILL LEAVE.” Though our patience is thin and our anxiety strong, I am glad that Shower Cap is with us as we scream our way around the last circle of Hell. Cap, you’re the best at keeping us from completely losing our minds.
Oozing plague rat scrotum ?? You fuckin betcha I’ll ride with this guy , right through that last gate ! Particularly pleased tonight as I won the “Who wants to hit Rand Paul in the head three times with a cricket bat” ? I do , and they’re gonna let me ! I’m told there’s a line ?
Where might we go without a Cap ???
Got my Wisconsin absentee ballot yesterday, filled it out WITH JOY and mailed it back in. Plenty early. I am so HAPPY!
My sugarplum dreams are filled with Massive Landslide for Biden/Harris, and a Senate and House ready to work. Plus a few better Wisconsin legislators (i.e. NOT Republican).
May the Ruth be with you.
Hope you at least got some of this in your week <3
https://twitter.com/i/status/1307640183307862027
As the Trump Plague escalates, the super spreaders kill more and more of us. It is also necessary for the puppets of the Donor Class to escalate their Fascism. Georgia is only one of several Super Spreader States to enforce Censorship. The actual infections in schools are now TOP SECRET. Georgia Department of Public Health is now helping to spread COVID-19.
Why would Stupid White Men in Georgia censor disease information from the public? It is because Georgia has an infection rate of 10%.
“The Department is concerned about possible non-cooperation of schools in reporting data and has decided to maintain the confidentiality of the weekly COVID-19 school reports.”
But we have had official censorship about this disease since December. Other Stupid White Men are trying to kill us. We have also had official lies continually by our 16 Top Secret Spy Agencies that protect the Donor Class. And our highly paid spies protect the TurdMaggot and Putin and they protect SARS-CoV-2. But the exception is a woman, Reality Leigh Winner who is in prison because she revealed the Republican Party is the Putin Party.
An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a coworker who has been doing a little homework on this. And he actually bought me breakfast because I found it for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending time to discuss this matter here on your blog.|