Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that we’re in “oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so we’re stuck with this shit until they’re dragged, biting and clawing, from the White House“ territory, I’ve taken the precaution of having my entire apartment padded for my safety. While I test out my new straightjacket, let’s do the news…

Welp, Tangerine Idi Amin believes he’s stumbled onto the secret to re-election and that secret is DEAD CHILDREN. Even as his bullheaded insistence on “reopening the economy” has led to massive COVID outbreaks, particularly in states run by sycophantic know-nothing Republican governors, he’s somehow convinced himself that his months of deadly dithering and lethal incompetence will be forgiven, and he’ll be borne as a god by a grateful public, if he can only trick schools into believing everything is safe and good and normal so they’ll open next month.

The plan here seems to center around screeching, “Democrats want to keep schools closed for political purposes, while only I, possibly the single dumbest person in human history, care about education,” but of course the easily discernible reality is more along the lines of, “I view your children’s lives as completely expendable in my demented quest to falsely project normalcy, and Democrats are your only hope of stopping my murderous madness, which has reached biblical levels.”

See, we aren’t anywhere close to meeting the guidelines Sharty McFly’s own CDC has set for safe school reopenings, so naturally the solution is to simply make up some new guidelines, because science and reality bow to political pressure all the time; who can forget that one summer when we all signed that petition that changed the freezing point of water?

Just to be extra sinister/politically suicidal, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk even threatened to cut funding to any schools that refused to convert their classrooms into modern day Roman Coliseums, only with coronavirus instead of lions. Now, setting aside the fact that he lacks the power to follow through on this threat, let us once again take note that his first impulse is, as always, “I’m not getting my way, and therefore millions must suffer,” a motivation I always found rather difficult to believe in comic book/action film villains, but holy balls of pure fuck do I ever understand that shit now.

Anyway, welcome to the point in American history when the President of the United States lied about a major public health risk to CHILDREN in a deranged attempt to preserve his own political prospects. When he adopted a re-election strategy contingent on a willful, unnecessary increase in CHILD DEATHS. Shit, I expect he’ll even market Trump branded, child-sized coffins, with the Confederate flag printed right on the lid. Those of you aspiring to someday write history textbooks: for the love of God, please remember to include this shit.

While we’re on the coronavirus front, you’ll be pleased to learn your “wartime president” has indeed declared war…on Dr. Anthony Fauci! “He’s made a lot of mistakes,” says the monstrous nitwit with the blood of 136,000 Americans on his (freakishly small) hands, of the nation’s leading epidemiologist, and like, WOW for daring to point that particular (tiny, inadequate) finger. Old man, the fruits of your recent “mistakes” are all around us, they’re measured in jobs lost, lives wrecked, and, oh yeah, TOMBSTONES.

Anyway, word is he’s not even talking to Fauci now. Gosh, Donnie, I bet these playground tactics totally work; I bet if you tell the coronavirus it can’t sit at your table in the lunchroom, it’ll beg its mom to transfer to another school, all your fucking problems will vanish in a puff of narcissistic fantasy, and you’ll cruise to re-election.

Lawmakers down in Mississippi were far too virile and manly to wear any sissy-ass face masks, and the coronavirus responded to their uncontainable machismo by infecting a whole bunch of them with COVID-19 because, and I’ll say this slowly since it doesn’t seem to be sinking in with some of y’all, IT IS A VIRUS AND YOU CANNOT TRICK IT THE WAY YOU TRICK CHUCK TODD. You can’t bothsides a disease, campers. Yes, that will be on the test.

In the rarest of victories for an administration that has become synonymous with catastrophic, humiliating failure, the Turd Reich successfully bullied Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman into retiring from the Army, by interfering with his well-earned promotion. Vindman is a tested, proven hero and patriot, and ordinarily these are traits you’d think a nation would value in their military officers, but it turns out standards are a wee bit different when you put treacherous grifters in charge, and so this president’s crimes have cost the nation the service of another good man. So yes, a “victory” for Team Treasonweasel, but another tragic setback for the United States of America, kinda nutty how that sort of shit keeps happening, huh?

Well, the Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, looked the gift horse of his rich white dude privilege square in the mouth, and now he is back in prison, let us point at him and laugh. Having been undeservedly released to home confinement on account of the pandemic while untold thousands of poor, non-white folks remained locked inside COVID farms for non-violent drug offenses, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo violated the terms of his release at a fancy restaurant, and refused to abide by a gag order, which feels pretty cocky for a confessed felon. Anyway, do Paul Manafort next.

Like my Daddy always said, never bring a supbar white supremacist douchebag to a war hero fight. Ok, my father never actually said that, but if Tucker Carlson ever recovers from the butt-whoopin’ he’s received this week, it’s surely a lesson he’ll pass down to his drooling, mediocre spawn. Liar Tuck has been lashing out at his betters more and more as his Turd Emperor’s re-election chances have plummeted, and lately he’s been fixated on my own Junior Senator, Tammy Duckworth, presumably because he wanted to know what it feels like to have a titanium boot up his lackluster ass. Heh. Wonder no more, fuck-o.

The Supreme Court rejected Hairplug Himmler’s But I Do So Wish to Be Above the Law; It’s Ever So Much Easier to Commit Crimes That Way argument, and ruled he does indeed have to turn his financial records over to New York prosecutors, and I guess it’s cool that there’s a 7-2 SCOTUS majority that agrees “well yeah, the rule of law exists,” but also HOLY SHIT Alito n’ Thomas, the fuck’re you two smoking?

And yes, many have pointed out that Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops has essentially successfully run out the clock here in terms of hiding his finances from the electorate, and that’s both true and a goddamn shame, but hey, it’s still pretty fucking funny watching a rage-blind Lou Dobbs rant that Gorsuch and Kavanaugh are part of the Deep State now.

I guess when you’re on one of history’s all-time greatest losing streaks, you have to celebrate your tiny triumphs wherever you find ‘em, but I for one would appreciate it if President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster would stop bragging about “acing” his basic cognitive test over at Walter Reed. It’s embarrassing, bro. Wait, what’s that? You say he’s even boasted the doctors were “very surprised” his brain actually works? Good lord. Find your stamp collection right now, I guarantee you all the dead presidents are blushing.

After weeks of pointlessly transforming an extremely simple, low-sacrifice gesture into a culture war controversy, at the cost of countless lives, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot finally agreed to be filmed wearing a goddamn mask during his upcoming visit to the above-mentioned Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. While I’m glad he’s finally doing it, and I certainly hope it’s not too late to get the frothy hordes of Cult45 to change their virus-spreading ways, what do you tell the thousands who died for nothing more important than one egomaniac’s vanity? Grief seems inadequate; I can offer only rage, and links to Democratic campaigns.

Well, hydroxychloroquine still doesn’t work as a COVID-19 treatment, and Peter Navarro still has absolutely zero qualifications to make one fucking comment about anything remotely related to epidemiology (he’s an gibbering nitwit when it comes to trade, and that’s his life’s work), so naturally Navarro is out there pimping hydroxycloroquine again. It’s amazing the lengths these malicious clowns will go to, to avoid listening to science, particularly since listening to science is literally their only hope for political survival. They’ll try anything, ANYTHING…except the one thing that will work, which they have categorically ruled out, and holy fuck these idiots are in charge, because we live in Hell.

I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus cancelled a planned weekend rally in New Hampshire, citing concerns about Tropical Storm Tulsa Sure Was Embarrassing Wasn’t It, because weather reports show that while it will likely have stopped raining hours before the planned event, there was also only a very slight chance of People Dumb and Brainwashed Enough to Risk Their Lives to Watch a Deluded Old Man Yell About His Polling For an Hour.

Of course, the reluctance to sign up for the latest coronafest probably has something to do with the COVID surge Tulsa has seen in the aftermath of Weehands McNodick’s laughably-under-attended “rally” late last month. Congratulations, Dotard, you may not be much of a president, but you’re the Johnny Appleseed of Pestilence.

Late-breaking news reveals a prominent writer on Tucker Carlson’s staff resigned for being hellaciously racist, and I guess the “resigned” part is surprising. Fox will keep Carlson on the air, broadcasting his hateful filth, even though advertisers have almost entirely fled, because they like broadcasting his hateful filth, and they believe his hateful filth is something the country needs more of.

In even later-breaking news, President Crotchrot has, as expected, commuted What if Beetlejuice Was in Grumpy Old Men Cosplayer Roger Stone’s sentence, so yet another Trumpist felon has evaded justice. Once again, I say, let him wallow in his petty victory; this pardon power will be long gone when he wants it most, and that day has grown quite close indeed.

Ok, I’m gonna sneak off now before the late late late news breaks, probably about Putin buying America’s nuclear arsenal off the Dotard for a fistful of shiny beads. Fuck. I need a drink. Stay safe out there, Resisters…