So you’re not a big fan of the white text on a black background look, huh?

Yeah, this is all clearly one giant practical joke y’all are pulling on me. You're pumping nitrous oxide into my apartment and hacking my tablet to redirect my news searches to Lewis Carroll's unpublished archives, aren't you? Shit cannot possibly be this cray in real...

I confess it's hard to enjoy this holiday when it feels like we're all trapped in a bad 80's movie titled “President's Day,” directed by Stanley Kubrick from a National Lampoon script, starring Rodney Dangerfield as a rogue artificial intelligence that gains supreme...

You may recall in Monday night's blog, I commented that the news had been a bit on the slow side. The Gods apparently heard me, and decided to teach me a little lesson. Ah, hubris! Anyway, I wore out three different keyboards writing up tonight's post...let's dive in...

The news has been a little slow these past few days, so, like, less a devastating migraine that totally immobilizes you, more a single throbbing pinprick, directly behind your eye, driving you to the brink of madness. A relaxing change, don'tcha think? So, lots of...

Y'know what? I'm calling bullshit at this point. I'm plugged into the Matrix, and the bug robots are feeding me nothing but Mountain Dew and acid. None of this shit can possibly be real…can it?There are apparently no white dudes anywhere in Virginia that didn't spend...

Wow, what a weekend, right? We had a big fancy football game, and kicked off a new nuclear arms race! Maroon 5 was there, which I’m pretty sure was mentioned somewhere in the Book of Revelation. Anyhow, read my blog before the world ends, is what I'm saying.I hate to...

Trapped inside due to the bitter cold, with nothing but the news to pass the time, I assure you I have gone quite mad. It's like The Shining, only less fun and more racist. Let's plow through it, so we can all get to the weekend... So, this week, the President of the...

Well, the government is all nice and reopened, and it looks like smooth sailing from here on out! Why, I bet everything calms down now, and we can go right back to the good ol’ days, when things were so normal and quiet, you didn't even pay attention to the news most...

Mad with laughter and completely fucked up on pure, uncut, schadenfreude, it's a miracle I managed to get a post up tonight. Seriously, I've been cackling so hard it's difficult to type. Watching a wannabe dictator shipwreck on the shores of his own petulance turns...

Well, with the long weekend, there was significantly less madness than unusual, so perhaps HA HA HA JUST KIDDING WE LIVE IN HELL AND IT NEVER EVER STOPS. So why not grab a machete and hack through these weeds with me?You'll be pleased to learn that our President, who...

Folks, at this point, I'd really love it if a bunch of orderlies burst through the door, tied me to a hospital bed, and administered shock therapy, because that might mean that I'm locked up in an asylum in a bad 50's movie, and that none of this is really happening....

Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes...

Hello Shower Captives!  There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow.  To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:REPUBLICANS:Furrow...

Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn't think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?Anyway...shit be cray. Let's do this.So,...

Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps...

Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair...

As we embark on the New Year, I confess I am considering a partial blog shutdown unless the United States Treasury agrees to finance a new beer fridge for my living room, and also maybe some badass flame decals for my mask. Anyhow, let's round up the madness one last...

Hey hey, Shower Captives! Hope you enjoyed the holiday break. The down time was certainly appreciated, but now we're getting ready to seat a brand-spankin'-new Congress, we've got Ruth Bader Ginsburg back, and it's time to fuck some fascists’ shit up again, don'tcha...

Forgive me for running behind this week, Shower Captives, I was busy trying to craft anatomically-correct gingerbread MEN, the way God intended, you feminazis! Pleased to report I have perfected my recipe, so you can expect my scrumptious, patriarchy-reinforcing...

My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!So let's...