Well, with the long weekend, there was significantly less madness than unusual, so perhaps HA HA HA JUST KIDDING WE LIVE IN HELL AND IT NEVER EVER STOPS. So why not grab a machete and hack through these weeds with me?

You’ll be pleased to learn that our President, who doesn’t understand how tariffs work, who doesn’t understand how NATO works, who famously lost a battle of wits with an open umbrella, seems to be under the impression that there’s a wall around San Antonio, and it’s more popular there than the Spurs. Why make it so you have to be at least 35 years old to run for President, if you’re just going to elect someone who’s dumber than a 5th grader?

More good news, as the Marmalade Shartcannon and his party are hard at work, developing a new policy that will bring hundreds of millions of dollars worth of benefits to the American people. Wait, did I say, “the American people?” Because I meant, “Russian oligarch Oleg V. Deripaska.” Much like the President, I often get the two confused. Which one is his employer again?

The conservative movement has a new Patron Saint of Whinging Victimhood, and it’s a whole gaggle of shitty teenagers! So, these shitty little boys took a weekend field trip to protest against a woman’s right to bodily autonomy, and decided, “hey, as shitty as that is, I bet we can find a way to be shittier.” And boy howdy, did they ever.

You’ve seen the videos by now, of the little dirtbags mocking Native American protesters. Somehow, one short day and one large check to a PR firm later, the same little dirtbags are martyrs on the alter of a dishonest, malicious, world that criticized them for…shitbag behavior that anyone with two eyes can see. The white privilege is so thick here, you could cut it with a plastic knife from Chick fil-A.

Boys will boys, I guess. Meaning boys will mock minorities. And boys will make rape jokes at passing girls. Fortunately, they’ll be facing the consequences of their actions, when they get to give televised interviews to repeat the bullshit lies that they were actually “praying.” That Gillette commercial came a bit late, don’tcha think? 

Anyway, we’ll be picking teams for the next Civil War according to reactions to this incident, so please have your own personal thinkpiece filed with Salon by Friday at 5:00.

Plus, the one smirking jag kid has been nominated for a vacancy on the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Ok, that’s a bit silly, but these little brats did potentially score an invite to the White House. Cool. Wonder if they’ll wear blackface for the trip.

I’ve honestly lost track of where we last left Visibly-Decomposing-From-the-Mouth-Outwards Treasonlaywer Rudy Giuliani…was he belching up some ridiculous lie, or walking it back? It’s an old cycle by now, constant and reliable as the fucking tide. Apparently Rudy’s worried about his long-since-shredded reputation, whining that his gravestone may read “He lied for Trump.” And I don’t think that’s fair, either. It should say, “He lied for Trump, and also he fucked his cousin, for he was a lying cousin-fucker.”

Hairplug Himmler silenced once and for all the critics who accuse him of racism, by visiting the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial with Mike Pants. The President’s vigil lasted nearly the length of an entire Clash song, before he returned to the important work of Watching TV All Day, muttering something about there being “very fine people on both sides” of the King assassination as he waddled back to the motorcade.

Mikey Hairshirt had earlier attempted to make the case that Government Cheese Goebbels and MLK are basically the same person because, “they both…um…eat food and…errrr…this is trickier than I thought…both were frequently photographed wearing shoes and…hey, I have to pee. Bye!”

Possibly the least shocking news of the week reveals that somebody is doctoring photos of Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to make him look thinner, and yes, they really are altering images to make his wee lil’ fingers longer. Orwell for Shitheads.

Doesn’t that make you want to look at the Shart House organizational flow chart? “Ok, Kirstjen, you’re in change of the kiddie concentration camps, Sarah, you take care of the finger-lengthening, and on the opioid crisis, how abooooouuuuut….nobody. Yeah, let’s put nobody on that. But I want those phalanges stretched ten minutes ago, dammit!”

As the financial problems pile up for furloughed workers, as increasingly-dire consequences for the American economy draw ever nearer, as his public opinion pummeling risks leaving bruises even his hilarious balloon man pants won’t be able to conceal, Pissant Pol Pot has actually increased his ask for re-opening the government. Yes, Shithead’s “compromise” bill demands not only billions in wall money, but a total reworking of the nation’s asylum laws, practically a direct transcription of Stephen Miller’s scrotum tattoo. Unbelievable.

He truly is…the Shart of the Deal. I imagine after this gambit fails, he’ll offer a bill that replaces food stamps with vouchers for Trump Steaks and deports everyone working for the Mueller investigation.

Speaking of Bodacious Bob, we learned a few intriguing details about the Mystery Company That Really Does Not Want to Honor Bob’s Subpoena; they are not-just-partially-but-wholly owned by a foreign government, and they are getting their colluding corporate keisters kicked in court. They’re being fined $50,000 every day they refuse to turn over documents, and folks, that’ll buy a lot of borscht. Or some culturally equivalent dish. But probably borscht.

Who else is the Bobadook sneaking up on these days? Why, the murderous taintnibblers of the National Rifle Association, that’s who! I try not to get my hopes up over these rumors, but Mr. Mueller, if you’re reading this blog,* please please please please please take those death merchants down a few pegs, over laundering Rubles or anything else you might dig up. I haven’t wanted anything this badly since puberty.

Also, the Supreme Court gave the Valor Thief in Chief the go-ahead to enforce his hateful ban on transgender troops in the military while the issue is resolved in the courts. I hope Jill Stein voters are feeling really good tonight about their role as accessories to Mitch McConnell’s heist of that SCOTUS seat. Hey, I get it, your pride matters more to you than the safety and humanity of your transgender countryfolk. You’re the REAL progressives.

So I guess the Drumpf Administration is looking to arbitrarily relabel “high-level radioactive waste” as “low-level radioactive waste,” not in response to any new scientific findings, but because doing so will make it cheaper to clean up. Yeah, nuclear waste disposal seems like a sensible place to cut corners. The last thing this shitstorm needs is gangs of irradiated mutants, roving the west…now that I think about it, maybe this is why Ryan Zinke finally resigned. (This story is a few weeks old, but I missed it, so it’s new to me, dammit!)

Looks like Littlefinger has pretty much cancelled White House press briefings, because of all the bullying Sarah Slanders endures at the hands of those mean ol’ fact-checkers. Still, this action is not without consequences; adrift and listless, the Uncredible Huck has purchased a tank full of fish for her office, which she lies to all day long, just to fill the void.

I see the House passed a bill confirming America’s support for NATO, because that’s the kind of thing the House has to do nowadays. One of the fun parts of January 2021 will be passing all sorts of laws we never thought we needed before. “Ok, I guess it should be illegal to swap sanctions relief for trademarks for your daughter’s shitty jewelry business, wonder why James Madison never thought of that one.”

Meanwhile, the Shartdown is increasingly hamstringing the FBI’s ability to, y’know, enforce the law, affecting everything from counterterrorism operations to, ironically, battling Donnie Dotard’s favorite demon, MS-13. Me, I’m just disappointed in myself for lacking the foresight to plan any crimes during this period of self-inflicted chaos. I could’ve broken in the Art Institute, Mission-Impossible-style, and stolen one of those cute little miniature rooms I like so much.

Anyhow, Mitch McConnell has set up a little legislative theatre for Thursday, because watching old dudes fiddle with themselves on C-Span is clearly more important than actually solving the problem that’s within his power to solve. Condolences to everybody working without a paycheck, Yertle has some very important posturing to get to before your concerns can be addressed.

See? Long holiday weekend, hardly any madness at all. Now if you’d be so kinda as to loosen the straps on my straightjacket…

*The Special Counsel’s affection for a well-crafted poo joke is widely documented, of course.