The news has been a little slow these past few days, so, like, less a devastating migraine that totally immobilizes you, more a single throbbing pinprick, directly behind your eye, driving you to the brink of madness. A relaxing change, don’tcha think?

So, lots of folks are pissed that their tax refunds have magically vanished under the Trump/Ryan/McConnell tax scam. I’m told Trump voters are particularly upset over this state of affairs, but I can’t hear them over the sound of my own voice screaming I FUCKING WELL TOLD YOU SO YOU IDIOT FUCKING RUUUUUUUBES until my vocal cords combust and burn to ash.

Don’t worry, though, you’ll doubtlessly be pleased with what the GOP donor class is doing with that tax windfall you’re not seeing. David Koch is having a 12-foot-tall scale model of his own ballsack sculpted in pure platinum, with precious gemstones for the warts and boils…it’s going to be magnificent.

Donnie Two-Scoops is almost as afraid of Elizabeth Warren as he is of stairs, which is why he spends so much time harassing her with anti-Native slurs. With her campaign gaining steam, that’s certainly why he felt the need to escalate things, using the presidential pulpit to vomit up a revolting genocide “joke.” If only he were this dedicated to, say, learning how tariffs actually work.

And Spawn of Shart decided to jump on the white supremacist dogpile, adding his own despicable follow-up “gag.” Oh, that Trump family. They’re like a shitty KKK improv troupe.

Amusingly, the handful of spineless sycophants who have so foolishly yoked their reputations to the rapidly-sinking Shartanic have fallen back on the “oh, the President is WAY too dumb to make a Trail of Tears reference” defense. The idea that a doddering twit who couldn’t pass a sixth grade history test is somehow qualified to hold nuclear disarmament talks with North Korea seems suspect to me, but maybe Brit Hume can walk us through it.

Anyway, E-War responded to the hateful taunts by reminding Little Donnie Dotard that the way things are going, he probably won’t even be on the ticket in 2020, on account of being all impeached and imprisoned and what have you. “Shit, old man, I might be running against Nancy Pelosi before this is over.”

And Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar announced her own Presidential run in a blinding snowstorm, first by killing a yeti with her bare hands and then delivering a speech from a lectern carved from its skeleton. The mere act of Speaking While Outdoors drew a sharp contrast to the current, infinitely wussier, President, who famously recoiled in terror when faced with a light French drizzle.*

The Marmalade Shartcannon took Klobuchar’s speech as an opportunity to show off his scientific chops, tweeting out a shot at climate science, because here was a person (a female person no less) talking about so-called global warming…while it was cold outside! I think Mr. Trump has us here, friends. After all, the overwhelming consensus of the 97% of scientists who say climate change is real is that it will never ever ever ever ever snow again, anywhere, not even once. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!

We’re told Il Douche does all his own make-up, which must be rather time-consuming, considering his tiny, inadequate hands. Anyway, that a man this vain would seek to perpetuate a process that leaves his face looking like rhino’s butthole after it sat on a crate of apricot jelly beans really should’ve been taken as a warning sign, competence-wise.

We also learned that under the Treasonweasel Administration, EPA inspections have fallen dramatically, presumably because everybody’s taking turns looking up porn in Scott Pruitt’s old soundproof wank booth. What’s that? Oh, you think the Environmental Protection Agency should “protect the environment?” Well, that’s just what a cuck would say, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

With all the current discussion on various manifestation of bigotry, past and present, let’s not neglect the tale of West Virginia State Delegate/Swollen Hate Tick Eric Porterfield, who suggested on Saturday that if a child of his came out as gay, he would drown them in a lake. That slovenly old fuck thought this was HILARIOUS, for the record. Anyhow, while Porterfield likes to sling slurs around and whine that the LGBTQ community is just like the Klan, I think I’ll pass on the moral lectures from the dude who makes jokes about murdering his own kids.

So, some pop singer I’ve never heard of showed up to the Grammys cosplaying as Hairplug Himmler’s Big Dumb Wall, desecrating Pink Floyd on top of her general shittiness. Whatever. Still, as the majority of right-wing punditry these days has descended into mere lib-owning trolling (see Shapiro, Ben), expect his lady to have a column in the Federalist by Thursday.

Tangerine Idi Amin seems to be mega-triggered by all the stories about how his lazy ass hardly ever works because he’s always golfing or screeching at the talking television box. Fortunately, he has plenty of free time to post whiny tweets about how hard he allegedly works. The right likes to gripe about “virtue signaling,” so I’ve decided to label this behavior “labor signaling.”

So I guess the company that runs the National Enquirer/thought blackmailing the richest man alive was a good idea consulted the Justice Department about the need to officially register as a Saudi agent for publishing a simperingly worshipful magazine profile of journalist-dismembering thug Mohammed bin Salman. This combination of corporate spycraft and raw sleaze makes me wish Shakespeare was around to write a play or three about it.

Meanwhile, Shart Garfunkel travelled to El Paso to regurgitate a few old lies in his hilariously futile quest for wall funding. Near as I can figure, the argument is supposed to something like “El Paso was a hellhole where the average American was the victim of 3 to 5 violent crimes per day, until a Big Dumb Wall got built, eliminating all illegality overnight, in addition to dispensing soft-serve ice cream to the community’s children, free of charge.”

Anyway, Beto’s back home to deliver a retort and lead an anti-wall march and probably give an impromptu punk concert where he sings a new song about the need for compassionate immigration reform that sounds like a Bad Brains b-side and then he says “fuck” again and everybody swoons.

I guess a handful of Cult45’s frothier loons gathered to form a “human wall” on the border, in support of their Turd Emperor’s proposed monument to hate. Look, if we can get these clods to really commit to this, and keep their human chain together, miles from decent society, I think we’ve found a compromise that works for everybody.

And Democratic governors in both California and New Mexico have pulled National Guard troops back from the border, citing the imaginary nature of the President’s “crisis” in doing so. One of the reasons I’m increasingly pleased with my membership in the Democratic Party is that objective reality is a partisan issue now, and I feel we’re on the right side of it.

In the background, a deal has been reached on border security, potentially averting another shutdown. Will President Ann Coulter sink the compromise because it it contains nary a penny for wall funding?  Will Stephen Miller object because it causes inadequate human suffering?  Tune in next time, same Shower time, same Shower channel…

So yeah…all in all, kind of a slow weekend for news. But I’m going out tomorrow night, so I wanted to get a post up for all you lovely people. Oh by the way, can I borrow the car? And maybe hit you up for gas beer money?

*I assume “a light French drizzle” is also the name for some sort of sex act, but that’s not what I’m referencing here.