Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
While Wee Don Whines About Work, Amy, Liz, and Beto Take Turns Whoopin’ His Ass
The news has been a little slow these past few days, so, like, less a devastating migraine that totally immobilizes you, more a single throbbing pinprick, directly behind your eye, driving you to the brink of madness. A relaxing change, don’tcha think?
So, lots of folks are pissed that their tax refunds have magically vanished under the Trump/Ryan/McConnell tax scam. I’m told Trump voters are particularly upset over this state of affairs, but I can’t hear them over the sound of my own voice screaming I FUCKING WELL TOLD YOU SO YOU IDIOT FUCKING RUUUUUUUBES until my vocal cords combust and burn to ash.
Don’t worry, though, you’ll doubtlessly be pleased with what the GOP donor class is doing with that tax windfall you’re not seeing. David Koch is having a 12-foot-tall scale model of his own ballsack sculpted in pure platinum, with precious gemstones for the warts and boils…it’s going to be magnificent.
Donnie Two-Scoops is almost as afraid of Elizabeth Warren as he is of stairs, which is why he spends so much time harassing her with anti-Native slurs. With her campaign gaining steam, that’s certainly why he felt the need to escalate things, using the presidential pulpit to vomit up a revolting genocide “joke.” If only he were this dedicated to, say, learning how tariffs actually work.
And Spawn of Shart decided to jump on the white supremacist dogpile, adding his own despicable follow-up “gag.” Oh, that Trump family. They’re like a shitty KKK improv troupe.
Amusingly, the handful of spineless sycophants who have so foolishly yoked their reputations to the rapidly-sinking Shartanic have fallen back on the “oh, the President is WAY too dumb to make a Trail of Tears reference” defense. The idea that a doddering twit who couldn’t pass a sixth grade history test is somehow qualified to hold nuclear disarmament talks with North Korea seems suspect to me, but maybe Brit Hume can walk us through it.
Anyway, E-War responded to the hateful taunts by reminding Little Donnie Dotard that the way things are going, he probably won’t even be on the ticket in 2020, on account of being all impeached and imprisoned and what have you. “Shit, old man, I might be running against Nancy Pelosi before this is over.”
And Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar announced her own Presidential run in a blinding snowstorm, first by killing a yeti with her bare hands and then delivering a speech from a lectern carved from its skeleton. The mere act of Speaking While Outdoors drew a sharp contrast to the current, infinitely wussier, President, who famously recoiled in terror when faced with a light French drizzle.*
The Marmalade Shartcannon took Klobuchar’s speech as an opportunity to show off his scientific chops, tweeting out a shot at climate science, because here was a person (a female person no less) talking about so-called global warming…while it was cold outside! I think Mr. Trump has us here, friends. After all, the overwhelming consensus of the 97% of scientists who say climate change is real is that it will never ever ever ever ever snow again, anywhere, not even once. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!
We’re told Il Douche does all his own make-up, which must be rather time-consuming, considering his tiny, inadequate hands. Anyway, that a man this vain would seek to perpetuate a process that leaves his face looking like rhino’s butthole after it sat on a crate of apricot jelly beans really should’ve been taken as a warning sign, competence-wise.
We also learned that under the Treasonweasel Administration, EPA inspections have fallen dramatically, presumably because everybody’s taking turns looking up porn in Scott Pruitt’s old soundproof wank booth. What’s that? Oh, you think the Environmental Protection Agency should “protect the environment?” Well, that’s just what a cuck would say, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?
With all the current discussion on various manifestation of bigotry, past and present, let’s not neglect the tale of West Virginia State Delegate/Swollen Hate Tick Eric Porterfield, who suggested on Saturday that if a child of his came out as gay, he would drown them in a lake. That slovenly old fuck thought this was HILARIOUS, for the record. Anyhow, while Porterfield likes to sling slurs around and whine that the LGBTQ community is just like the Klan, I think I’ll pass on the moral lectures from the dude who makes jokes about murdering his own kids.
So, some pop singer I’ve never heard of showed up to the Grammys cosplaying as Hairplug Himmler’s Big Dumb Wall, desecrating Pink Floyd on top of her general shittiness. Whatever. Still, as the majority of right-wing punditry these days has descended into mere lib-owning trolling (see Shapiro, Ben), expect his lady to have a column in the Federalist by Thursday.
Tangerine Idi Amin seems to be mega-triggered by all the stories about how his lazy ass hardly ever works because he’s always golfing or screeching at the talking television box. Fortunately, he has plenty of free time to post whiny tweets about how hard he allegedly works. The right likes to gripe about “virtue signaling,” so I’ve decided to label this behavior “labor signaling.”
So I guess the company that runs the National Enquirer/thought blackmailing the richest man alive was a good idea consulted the Justice Department about the need to officially register as a Saudi agent for publishing a simperingly worshipful magazine profile of journalist-dismembering thug Mohammed bin Salman. This combination of corporate spycraft and raw sleaze makes me wish Shakespeare was around to write a play or three about it.
Meanwhile, Shart Garfunkel travelled to El Paso to regurgitate a few old lies in his hilariously futile quest for wall funding. Near as I can figure, the argument is supposed to something like “El Paso was a hellhole where the average American was the victim of 3 to 5 violent crimes per day, until a Big Dumb Wall got built, eliminating all illegality overnight, in addition to dispensing soft-serve ice cream to the community’s children, free of charge.”
Anyway, Beto’s back home to deliver a retort and lead an anti-wall march and probably give an impromptu punk concert where he sings a new song about the need for compassionate immigration reform that sounds like a Bad Brains b-side and then he says “fuck” again and everybody swoons.
I guess a handful of Cult45’s frothier loons gathered to form a “human wall” on the border, in support of their Turd Emperor’s proposed monument to hate. Look, if we can get these clods to really commit to this, and keep their human chain together, miles from decent society, I think we’ve found a compromise that works for everybody.
And Democratic governors in both California and New Mexico have pulled National Guard troops back from the border, citing the imaginary nature of the President’s “crisis” in doing so. One of the reasons I’m increasingly pleased with my membership in the Democratic Party is that objective reality is a partisan issue now, and I feel we’re on the right side of it.
In the background, a deal has been reached on border security, potentially averting another shutdown. Will President Ann Coulter sink the compromise because it it contains nary a penny for wall funding? Will Stephen Miller object because it causes inadequate human suffering? Tune in next time, same Shower time, same Shower channel…
So yeah…all in all, kind of a slow weekend for news. But I’m going out tomorrow night, so I wanted to get a post up for all you lovely people. Oh by the way, can I borrow the car? And maybe hit you up for
gas beer money?
*I assume “a light French drizzle” is also the name for some sort of sex act, but that’s not what I’m referencing here.
Keep it coming, Cap—you’re so fine that you excel even in a slow news week!
I’m pretty sure they have the “light French drizzle” on the pee-pee tape.
Ah yes, the Bad Brains. Soulful Reggae on one track, head banging punk on the next. And Ric Ocasec! A perfectly strange band!
“One of the reasons I’m increasingly pleased with my membership in the Democratic Party is that objective reality is a partisan issue now, and I feel we’re on the right side of it.”
NEED MAKE T-SHIRTS!!!
“…leaves his face looking like rhino’s butthole after it sat on a crate of apricot jelly beans really should’ve been taken as a warning sign, competence-wise…”
I so enjoyed this!
That one was a total keeper!
Slow news days or not, you made the most of it!
“Objective reality is a partisan issue now” is genious, Cap. I agree. That needs to be on a T-shirt!
Historic chapel stands in the way of Trump’s ego wall. Only legal action can save it. Butterflies and God’s house to be sacrificed for useless wall!
It looks as though Chairman Nadler and the rest of the Judiciary Dems are less than satisfied with the Self-Lubricating Human Dildo Models’ answers in his first performance. The ad copy should read “Now with 50% *more* lubricant”: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2019/2/13/1834573/-Looks-like-Matt-Whitaker-has-some-splaining-to-do?utm_campaign=trending
In addition, it looks as though Chairman Nadler and co. just upgraded their ammo for the second round (as well as for other investigations): https://www.rawstory.com/…/democrats-plan-use-court…/