Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The President is Too Dumb to Figure Out How Umbrellas Work, and We’re Just Now Declaring a National Emergency? Cool.
You may recall in Monday night’s blog, I commented that the news had been a bit on the slow side. The Gods apparently heard me, and decided to teach me a little lesson. Ah, hubris! Anyway, I wore out three different keyboards writing up tonight’s post…let’s dive in so we can get through this shit before the sun goes out.
Well, the last episode of Shower Cap ended right at the brink of the dueling Beto/Trump rallies in El Paso, so let’s pick up where we left off. Of course, Government Cheese Goebbels, still reeling from a string of failures seldom seen since the fall of Rome, retreated to the comforting fantasy of imaginary crowd sizes, which I actually fully support. See, this way, when the REAL crowds show up, at the ballot box, he’s extra surprised and it hurts more.
Oh, and Spawn of Shart, who is so fucking dumb he thinks he looks good with that beard, took a giddy little jab at the nation’s “loser” teachers. Or maybe it was intended as a compliment, considering his loser dad is still waiting for the Pelosi’s-boot-shaped welt on his ass to fade away. A frothy crowd of the most easily-duped rubes in America, sneering at their old teachers while soaking up further lies from the cheap grifter family that seeks only to pick their pockets? Sounds about right.
And in the latest installment of the coloring-book adaptation of 1984 that is our lives, Team Treasonweasel has begun slowly gaslighting MAGA nation into believing the Big Dumb Wall is already being built. From “build the wall!” to “finish the wall!,” perhaps eventually we’ll hear that screeching flock of rectums chanting, “decorate the wall with tasteful tapestries!” long into 2020, even as the wall remains completely imaginary.
And finally, shitting on all the fun we’re having laughing at these bumpkins as they scarf down lies while tripping over one another to pay Jared Kushner’s legal bills, one of the maniacs lost his shit and assaulted a journalist, a sobering reminder that the President of the United States unapologetically stirs up fear and hatred, all too willing to see blood shed in his name if it keeps him out of jail for one more day.
Also, the Spray-tanned Chalatan, apparently having discovered some of the half-joking commentary about how his unusual lack of a Presidential pet is just one more sign of his sociopathy, declared that getting a dog would be “phony.” I’m inclined to agree; any attempt to act as though he is capable of affection for any living creature who is not himself would indeed be fraudulent.
Didja see where Sharty McFly and his craven GOP enablers swiped Hillary Clinton’s “Stronger Together” campaign slogan? I get it, campers, you’re running out of ideas. You can see where this is going…as 2020 gets closer, you’ll see Wee Don hitting the trail in pantsuits, carrying hot sauce with him wherever he goes, eventually unveiling banners that read, “I’m With Herpes.”
And the Republican crusade against bigotry mobilized for righteous war against Rep. Ilan Omar, before heading over to that cookout at Steve King’s place. I confess I can barely muster an eye roll at this theatrical hypocrisy anymore. Yes, Mike Pants, I’m sure you’re very concerned about equality, but I don’t want you to be late for the meeting where you let the Human Version of a Burning Cross, Stephen Miller, set the nation’s immigration policy.
Look, Omar tweeted something that she shouldn’t have, and she apologized. Watching the Very Fine President demand her resignation before getting updates on the child concentration camps he opened is a little much, don’tcha think? I could keep going, bit I’m gonna pass this one off to special guest artist Jake Tapper.
And while Hairplug Himmler might not care much about the suffering of children, his heart bleeds for an obsolete Kentucky coal plant that, and you’re not gonna believe this ZANY coincidence, buys coal from one his major donors. “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” bellowed the President, “AND BY ‘PEOPLE’ I MEAN ‘MY RICH BUDDY’S MONEY!’”
Howard Schultz, continuing his baffling quest to seek the Presidency while possessing all the likability of a mouth tumor, claims he doesn’t see color. He won’t see votes, either.
Democrat Mark Warner and Republican Richard Burr appear to be at odds regarding the findings of the Senate Intelligence Committee’s investigation into collusion and other crimez. With Wrestlemania just around the corner, it’s clear this disagreement can only be settled…INSIDE A STEEL CAGE.
After days of media prodding, the Shart House finally released a little bullshit statement about Fat Q*Bert’s annual medical evaluation, assuring America that this waddling old bastard, whose blood type is Crisco and whose brain is deteriorating from exposure to experimental hair tonic fumes, is in perfect health. Sure. And Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.
Perhaps still pining for the banana republic military parade he never got, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits announced his boldest, most original idea do date: a brand-new parade, of his own creation! On the 4th of July! Perhaps even with fireworks! A new tradition that will carry his name through the ages, ’till the very end of recorded time!
Folks, he really thought he invented the idea of an Independence Day parade. He figured nobody ever considered that before. Probably wandered around the White House, taunting the portraits of his predecessors for their inferior patriotic genius. “No wonder you’re not on any currency, Teddy Roosevelt, you dumb CUCK.”
The 35-day government shartdown saw the President making the greatest personal sacrifice of his entire term, and I’m not just talking about his approval ratings. No, the Velveeta Vulgarian, with an iron-willed conviction that surely would have inspired the troops at Valley Forge, weathered the entire duration of the shutdown without a single round of golf…or so we thought.
Demonstrating a relentless drive to solve the problem of his own boredom that he’s never once brought to the table on behalf of the American people, Littlefinger had a $50,000 golf simulator installed in the White House. In unrelated news, the mystery of “executive time” has been solved.
Sticking with sports for a while, shout out to rage-filled nitwit who decided he hated seeing black people exercising their free speech rights SO MUCH that he drove his own sporting goods store out of business. Yup, this MacArthur Grant recipient figured he’d retaliate against Nike for their Colin Kaepernick ad by hitting his own dick with a hammer until he went broke. You know this dude watched that El Paso rally and went, “Yeah! Teachers ARE losers.”
Seems our old pal Paul Manafort likes jail so much, he’s aiming to stick around awhile. Like, for the rest of his life. Yes, the President’s former campaign chair got caught fibbin’ to Bodacious Bob Mueller, thus invalidating his plea deal, and Paulie, I don’t think you’re gonna be reunited with that ostrich jacket any time soon.
There’s a hot new drug making waves from coast to coast, and on the street, they’re calling it Alex Jones Losing in Court Over and Over Again. Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh it feels so gooooooooooooooood! That bloated little scatmuncher has to give a sworn deposition in the lawsuit filed by the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for so long, bringing him one step closer to his richly-deserved financial ruin. C’mon man…just one more hit…JUST ONE MORE!
Former Acting FBI director Andrew McCabe sent his old boss a valentine in the form of a media tour promoting his new book about what a dirty crooked crook President Shartcannon is, and how much he prefers breaking laws to obeying them. Honestly I was on the fence about picking this one up until I found out it shits on dear departed Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III as well, documenting his rock-headed goon racism, so okay, Andy, take my fucking money.
The wife of Shart House Communications Czar Bill Shine took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to speak on behalf of…measles. For real, y’all. This lady is out there advocating for MORE MEASLES because measles are great. She thinks having measles prevents cancer (nope), so you should sprinkle ‘em on your kids’ breakfast cereal. Anyway if “eradicating diseases” is a partisan issue now, I am definitely not ever vacationing in a red state again.
William Barr has been confirmed as Attorney General, and yeah, he’s a partisan hack who’s said a bunch of deeply troubling shit about the Mueller investigation, but he’s also such an upgrade over the “masculine toilet” guy that this almost feels like it belongs in the Good News column, and if that isn’t evidence that this is Hell, I don’t know what is.
President Crotchrot’s Large Adult Sons abandoned their plans to start two new hotel chains, because even though they kept their despised family name out of the branding this time around, everyone hates them, and besides, everything they own, down to the laces in their shoes, will wind up forfeited to the government once Mueller’s done, so why bother?
The bipartisan border security compromise passed the Senate and then the House, leaving the Shart of the Deal with no wall funding, and in fact significantly less money for barriers than he was offered before the shutdown. In addition, the President must have “Property of Nancy Pelosi” tattooed on his forehead, and do the truffle shuffle before entering the Capitol Building. Truly, a legendary negotiator.
Weehands McNodick says he’ll sign the bill, but it looks like, after weeks of flailing and failing, he’s finally gonna look the Constitution square in the eye, raise up his tiny, inadequate, fists, and shout, “Come at me, bro,” proclaiming his own blistering incompetence to be a national emergency. In a way, he’s sorta right about that one.
Like so much of Tangerine Idi Amin’s reign, the wannabe tyranny of this move is eclipsed only by its pettiness. This addled old dolt really picks THIS dumbass fight for his long-threatened full frontal assault on the rule of law? For an idiotically wasteful “solution” to an imaginary problem? For a little red meat to throw to the already thoroughly-hypnotized crowd that wouldn’t abandon him if he came to their house, pissed on the kitchen table, set grandma on fire, and ate the last cupcake?
Obviously, he’ll face pushback from Democrats in Congress and, hopefully, the courts…but there’s always that nagging little fear that Brett Kavanaugh’ll get John Roberts all fucked up on whippits and Jell-O shots and get him to vote to end democracy, isn’t there?
And then there’s the danger of setting a precedent…if he gets away this, he’s just going to turn around and declare another national emergency because Salma Hayek won’t go out with him.
ANYWAY….yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day, but for too many people, February 14th will never be anything but the anniversary of the tragic mass-shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. The families of the 17 victims who lost their lives a year ago today, like the survivors of Sandy Hook and so many other senseless tragedies before them, marked the day by sharing their stories, in the hope that America will finally free itself from the murderous madness of gun culture.
The stories are, as you can imagine, rough reading, but make time if you can. And maybe take a few of the dollars you’ve budgeted for tomorrow’s post-holiday candy sales and give ‘em to Everytown, or Mom’s Demand Action, or Giffords PAC. After so many years of stagnation, we’re finally making progress on this issue. Watching freshmen Rep. Lucy McBath help advance a universal background checks bill, in the name of her slain son, gives me great hope for the future. Let’s all chip in and get this done.
Hang on to that progress, friends. Even in these dark, insane, days, there really is good news all around us. On gerrymandering in Virginia. On teacher pay in Denver. On the minimum wage in Illinois. Who knows what else, I’m fucking hammered, and probably missed some major shit. The point is, elections have consequences, and we kicked ass in the last round of elections, and we’re starting to see the fruits of that ass-kicking.
Makes you want to do it all over again, first this November, and then again in 2020, doesn’t it?
…and if you need one last chuckle, I’ll bet you’ll enjoy this article about the feral assclowns of the Freedom Caucus, adjusting to their new reality as non-entities in the House minority.