Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Sign Up for Nancy Pelosi’s New Seminar: How to Make the American President Your Own Personal Property in Five Easy Steps
Mad with laughter and completely fucked up on pure, uncut, schadenfreude, it’s a miracle I managed to get a post up tonight. Seriously, I’ve been cackling so hard it’s difficult to type. Watching a wannabe dictator shipwreck on the shores of his own petulance turns out to be rather intoxicating.
You may have missed this little story, of Little Donnie Dotard begging NASA to reach Mars before 2020 so that he would look cool, because he understands concepts of space and time and engineering and budgeting about as well as he comprehends the mechanism of the nigh-miraculous umbrella. You may consider this story sort of a Laughing at President Dumbass appetizer; there are many more courses awaiting you in this blog. Get yourself some sorbet, is what I’m telling you.
Since we last spoke, my friends, the Shart of the Deal has been a veritable whirlwind of negotiation, demonstrating the deal-making prowess he’s so famous for. Conman Don figured he’d made a clever move in calling Nancy Pelosi’s bluff on cancelling the State of the Union until he opened the damn government, but he hardly had time to extend his tiny, inadequate, hand for a high-five when the Speaker shot back with a formal un-invitation, on official stationary and everything.
“You’re welcome to deliver your speech straight into my burning asshole, little man, but the floor of the House will be closed,” proclaimed Queen Nancy, and Shart Garfunkel responded by summoning the full force of his manly, dominating, might and…completely capitulating. Which, it turns out, would be useful practice for later.
The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, backed out of his planned testimony before Congress, citing threats from the President and his newer, much-more-incest-prone fixer, Rudy Giuliani, which is half “Aw dang, I can’t believe my favorite show got cancelled,” and half “Oh, so I guess we live in a third world dictatorship now.” Anyway, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo has already been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, so we’ll get his testimony soon enough, and for Mike, I’m sure that’ll be a nice break from jail.
So, something is going on in Venezuela. I haven’t done the reading, so I don’t know the ins and outs enough to process it, let alone say anything clever. Anyway, I’ll try to get back to it, but if this paragraph is still in the blog when you read it, well, I guess that means I didn’t.
Look, I know what everybody’s here for tonight, but before we dive into this big beautiful pool full of MAGAt tears, let’s take time to check in on some state-level GOP fuckery, if only to remind ourselves that the fight is never-ending, and the enemy remains as ass-backwardly awful as ever.
Utah Republicans are considering a shockingly dehumanizing anti-transgender bill. New Ohio Governor Mike DeWine announced that’s he’s positively horny to roll back reproductive rights in his state. And the Turdworm Administration just granted a waiver to South Carolina foster care agencies to discriminate their hateful little hearts out so long as they wink and say they’re only hating the people God tells them to hate.
You can’t take your eyes off these bastards for a minute, is what I’m saying. Next thing you know, they’ll be filling important state-level appointments with creepy weirdos who like to dress up in mega-racist Halloween costumes, blackface and all, like…oh wait, that already happened. In Florida, naturally.
So, a gossipy new tell-all from a former Drumpf staffer alleges that Kellyanne Conway has actually been leakiest pimple on the President’s ass this whole time, and after two years of his panicked crusade against leakers, she’s still there, right under his nose, and I know we’re laughing at the President for many much larger reasons today, but spare at least a chuckle or a snort for that amusing little tidbit; the doddering old fool really can’t do one single thing right.
Take, for example, the ongoing bungling of shutdown messaging! The official, tightly-coordinated Shart House comms strategy has been “Marie Antoinette, only with more sneering and less charm.”
First came Lara Trump, who cheerfully suggested that the hundred of thousands of federal workers going without pay for a month were merely experiencing a “little bit of pain” in not being able to pay their bills or feed their families, and anyway that’s an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny price to pay for Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants and That Won’t Work Anyway! Truly, I have never seen such populism!
As Bad-Auditions-Episode-of-American-Idol tone deaf as Lara’s comments were, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross burst into the room, shouting, “Hold my vodka-spiked Ovaltine.” Wilbur doesn’t understand why the peasants don’t just take out loans to cover expenses during their time as unwilling pawns in service of a racist goon’s ego-driven temper tantrum. “Everybody knows peanut butter sandwiches and tomato soup just taste better when you know you’ll be paying 9% interest in a month!” he croaked, before retreating to his home inside an old rotted-out tree stump, to sit upon the pile of coins and baubles he confiscated from the travelers he’s murdered.
And President Crotchvoid himself weighed in, suggesting all you struggling families need not worry, just take a stroll on down to Old Man Johnson’s corner store, and tell him to put your groceries on your tab for another week or so, a proposition that will certainly be met with a grandfatherly smile rather than a call to the police. Why, perhaps he’ll even give junior a penny’s worth of candy floss to keep his spirits up as he goes without supper for a few days.
Anyway, some genius looked out at the mess the President and his surrogates were making, and said “This looks like a job for LARRY FUCKIN’ KUDLOW!” Lar-Dawg suggested that furloughed employees were happily “volunteering” to work without pay out of feverish devotion to their Turd Emperor. “Why, they’ll probably refuse all future paychecks, insisting their salaries be transferred directly to the wall fund, such is their love and dedication!” Bill Shine is certainly doing a crackerjack job as Communications Director.
Speaking of rewarding failure, looks like Ronna NotRomey McDaniel won a second term as RNC chair, because dammit, you shouldn’t leave a job unfinished when there are still so many congressional seats left to lose! Seems to me a little bit like slapping a fresh coat of paint the Maginot Line, but hey, I certainly support the continuation of any and all further blue-wave-enabling activites, wheresoever they may manifest.
Authorities are searching for Colorado Senator Michael Bennet, wanted for questioning in the murder of Ted Cruz on the Senate floor Thursday. See, Senator Shitbeard pulled out his best phony preacher voice to disingenuously whinge about the Democrats’ responsibility for the shutdown, and Bennet rose up, a veritable God of Oh Hell No, to remind Cruz of that time Ted Cruz shut down the whole government just to fluff his own presidential ambitions. Teddy barely had time to whimper, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good,” before disintegrating into nothingness.
After a pair of failed votes to re-open the goddamn government, the Senate Republithug Caucus retreated to a private meeting with Vice President Mike Pants that quickly devolved into childish slap-fighting over who was to blame for their current predicament, until Glinda the Good Witch floated in on a bubble to proclaim, “Silly Assclowns! You are ALL turd-gargling sycophants, and equally at fault!” and a valuable lesson was learned by precisely no one.
This week we learned that when young Jared Kushner held out his trick-or-treat sack, asking for a high-level security clearance, career security specialists looked at him and said, “That would be a New-Coke-level shitty decision, lil’ fellah. Hell to tha no.” but they were overruled by a political appointee and so now he gets to sell America’s deepest secrets to the Saudis for fun n’ profit. Oh, and there have been at least 30 such instances, of experts getting overruled to grant clearances to various shitweasels in this pack of cheap grifters. Now, this story has kind of faded into the background amidst the week’s sexxxier news, but it’s pretty damn important, so don’t forget about it, okay?
If you’re reading this, you probably didn’t get arrested by the FBI this morning, and that is a key distinction between your life and Roger Stone’s. Yes, the long arm of the law has finally caught up to the Ratfucking Ghoul who’s been making this country shitty since before I was even born. The bad news is, if you can posture and troll your way out of serious legal jeopardy, Stone is sure to walk free. The good news is…you can’t.
Anyway, Roger’s so toxic now he’s been disavowed by the Wandering Ghost of Richard Nixon, and as the case for collusion becomes clearer, suddenly Julian Assange is treating the Ecuadorian embassy staff with a newfound courtesy. Drip drip, motherfuckers.
Taking a quick detour to the 2020 Dem presidential race, Richard Ojeda dropped out, dealing a significant blow to the entertainment value of the primary debates, and it turns out Beto O’Rourke is a Satan-worshipper, which pundits believe will play well in Super Tuesday states.
And of course Shartdown-related headlines continued their predictable trajectory through “Breadlines? In America? Really?” to the practically apocalyptic, with stories of unpaid NASA employees being asked to take breaks from the relatively trivial work of keeping the astronauts on the International Space Station alive to scrub toilets, and of furloughed national park rangers dueling to death over the precious meat in a raccoon corpse. I may have made one of those up.
The last straw seems to have been the massive delays at the nation’s airports, as the FAA announced they were down to a single air traffic controller named Wes who was doing an 8-ball every three hours to stay awake and that probably wasn’t going to be a sustainable system. Something had to give.
Finally, The Hairplug That Ate Decency called up Nancy Pelosi to plead, “Madame Speaker, I require your aid in removing my boot from atop my own dick. You can have whatever you want. You can have your bill to re-open the government with no wall funding. You can have Eric. Just please please please rescue me from this hole I have dug with my sad little baby hands!” and Nancy said “Nice try, I’m not taking Eric,” and Don said “Dammit, well, I had to try, anyway I’ve got to slink out and debase myself in front of the entire world now, I’ll send a messenger over later with my testes.”
And so the government will re-open at last. The FBI agents who arrested Roger Stone will get paid, millions of Americans can stop worrying and suffering, I’ll finally get my damn tax refund, and President Gas Station Urinal Cake has nothing to show for it except for a shiny new expansion to the gap in his approval ratings.
But there was no joy in MAGAville as Weehands McNodick struck out, only confusion, and anger, because somehow Cult45 still believes that this sad, sorry, little man, who radiates insecurity so discernibly that it can be seen from outer space, is “strong.” Ann Coulter seems particularly upset, because she thought she’d finally set America on a track where she’d be able to own slaves in a few years, but now it’s all falling apart.
And so Captain Caveman retreats to the Residence, to fume over what’s certain to be a full weekend of unceasing coverage of his complete and utter cucking. As smarter folks than I have pointed out, this kind of humiliation is the very worst thing in the world to a narcissist. And because he is very, very, very, stupid, he’s threatening to start this whole shitshow over again in three weeks. Some people just can’t get enough losing, I guess.
Meanwhile, Speaker Pelosi has problems of her own. She has to have new pet fitted for a collar, and of course there’s no way he’s potty trained.
Well, that should last you though the weekend, Shower Captives. If I missed anything, forgive me, it’s only because I was having so much fun watching every human being on Earth dunk on Little Donnie Two-Scoops.
Happy dance today-you’re a gem, Cap!
Jeez, a gazillion thanks for this particular Friday’s, end-of-another-surreal-week rant, that I didn’t think could top last week’s. You couldn’t possibly know how many belly laughs you provide. I’m gonna donate again right now. Pleeeeease keep up the good work. ~a devoted NorCal fan
“Wes who was doing an 8-ball every three hours to stay awake”
May the snark be with you.
Chortles and guffaws.
Cap you killed it again thanks for a wonderful finis to this shit-crazy week. Whoa, what? will the morrow bring. Take care and remember to get a food taster my friend.
Lots of fodder for the mill, eh? Thanks for a great laugh!
Succinct, thorough, and hilarious as always Cap’n. But lay off Captain Caveman. He was Shakespearean next to this ass clown.
I am enjoying your blogs more than I did Hunter S. Keep them coming!
How can you find so many facts? I like how that you arrange everything, as it is
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