Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Three of the Biggest Political Scandals of my Lifetime, & I’m Putting “Jussie Smollett” in my Title to Get Clicks
Yeah, this is all clearly one giant practical joke y’all are pulling on me. You’re pumping nitrous oxide into my apartment and hacking my tablet to redirect my news searches to Lewis Carroll’s unpublished archives, aren’t you? Shit cannot possibly be this cray in real life.
Well, in the interest of getting the small stuff out of the way up front, it looks like members of the Shart Administration have been doing their damndest to secretly ship American nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia, in Are You Fucking Kidding Me-level defiance of the law.
Anyway, let’s move on to Jussie Smollett. Can you belie-actually waitasec. You’re telling me the organized(well, kinda) crime ring squatting in our White House has been trying to sell NUCLEAR TECH to the genocidal, journalist-dismembering, monsters of the House of Saud? That confessed felon Mike Flynn was at the center of the scheme? That perpetually-out-of-his-depth-while-simultaneously-dangerously-in-debt Jared Kushner is involved? HOW IS THIS NOT THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN THE FUCKING WORLD RIGHT NOW?
Folks, the boiling frog thing is real. At this point, the frog has been boiled into frog steam, and the atoms of the frog have journeyed throughout the universe, finding new homes everywhere from the hearts of far-flung stars to the cells of entirely new frogs, which are now boiling in entirely new pots of water. Have we grown so numb to the cascade of criminality that we now shrug at illicit nuclear deals?
Speaking of What the Fuck Will it Take to Get This Motherfucker Impeached news, the Failing New York Times walked us through the Kompromat Kid’s long, often bumbling but consistently corrupt attempts to derail the various investigations into his favorite hobby, which is committing crimes. Donald Trump spends so much time and energy obstructing justice, that he literally brings a statue of Lady Justice with him when he goes to the movies, then deliberately sits in front of it wearing a a top hat.
With the battle to rescue American democracy from the tiny-fingered clutches of a mad would-be tyrant heating up, you’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that CNN has hired a right-wing, conspiracy-theory-peddling hack, with zero journalistic experience, to serve as political editor during the 2020 Presidential race. Don’t worry, I’m sure Sarah Isgur, who until recently spent her time vomiting up Breitbartian propaganda on a taxpayer salary as Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions’ spokesmonster at Justice, will be both fair and balanced at all times.
Certainly more balanced than our ol’ chum, Tucker Carlson. He invited Dutch historian Rutger Bregman on his show, and when the guest refused to play by the house rules, Liar Tuck melted down in what’s sure to make all the year-end Best Tantrum lists. Like all bullies, Carlson is, of course, a coward at heart. Anyway, he was right back to pimping white supremacists, live on tv, before the dust had settled.
Clarence Thomas thinks the First Amendment has gotten too big for its britches, and needs to be tied to a stake in the yard so as to keep it from snapping at the famous and powerful.* Since Justice Thomas is famous for speaking very little from the bench, I think it’s rather thoughtful of him to take the time to remind us that he’s awful.
Nancy Pelosi is once again breaking out the spritzer bottle she uses to keep the Manchurian Manchild from jumping up on the kitchen counter, scheduling a House vote next week to block his emergency declaration for that wall thing that he openly admitted wasn’t an emergency. And of course he’s being challenged in the courts as well.
On the other hand, perhaps Pelosi needn’t bother going to all this trouble; it seems a significant chunk of the funding Weehands McNodick was hoping to unconstitutionally repurpose for his Big Dumb Wall has, rather amusingly, already been spent. Heh. You might have to break open the piggy bank where you keep the Secret Service’s pay-to-pee money, old man.
Well, I hope the bullies on the North Carolina Board of Elections are proud of themselves! They’ve reduced poor Mark Harris, who only wanted to steal a U.S. House seat from the voters of the NC 9th, to tears! Mark was extra sad that his son refused to lie under oath (an oath presumably taken on that Bible that “Pastor” Harris so famously misunderstands) for him, and so he wept, for he had been caught defying a subpoena, and lying about it under oath (“So help you God,” Pastor?) about it.
But now a fresh new election has been called, and Mark Harris will not be a U.S. Congressman, and the Shower Cap did look upon this turn of events and say, “It is Good.” And while the Big Blue Wave of November, 2018, saw the Democratic Party pick up a nice, even, 40 seats in the House, 41 would be…well, it’d be one more, wouldn’t it? So let’s all pitch in and help Dan McCready win this one, huh? I for one am not yet tired of winning.
I see Vlad Putin is strutting around, making nuclear threats like some cut-rate Rocky and Bullwinkle villain. It’s fun to imagine the earth-shaking fury President Hillary Clinton would have unleashed on that cheap thug for pulling that shit, though of course we all know he wouldn’t have dared. Instead, we have to picture Little Donnie Two-Scoops, hiding in the bathroom while he sends his boss pleading texts, begging him not to nuke Europe until at least after the next election.
Federal agents arrested a white nationalist Coast Guard lieutenant (wow, this sentence sucks already) before he could carry out his planned act of terrorist mass-murder (and it got worse in a hurry), finding him in possession of a cache of narcotics and a substantial arsenal (thanks, NRA!) as well as a spreadsheet listing desired targets, which just so happens to align neatly with a list of those President Crotchrot has targeted in various Twitter rants. Yeah, another white domestic terrorist, radicalized and incited to violence by the President of the United States, isn’t that swell?
This horrific near-miss gave Sarah Huckleberry Slanders yet another opportunity to whine that her dirtbag boss is unfairly maligned JUST because he uses Stalinist language to rile up hatred of the free press. “He is in fact a great man of peace, and if there were any sort of prize for that, say a Nobel one, he should totally get that prize.”
I have to give credit where credit is due, and so when Team Shitforbrains announced William Happer as the chair of a new committee on climate change, what can I do but tip my cap? There are some grade A morons in the climate denier community, but only one who claims CO2 is actually persecuted, just like “the poor Jews under Hitler.” I mean, that’s a true masterstroke of idiocy. It’s like making Jenny McCarthy your Surgeon General, or appointing Pam Geller as Secretary of State. I’m honestly in awe.
After two years of more or less constant failure, Il Douche frequently resorts to simply fabricating accomplishments, which you’ll have to admit is much easier than actually accomplishing things. The latest, possibly most pathetic, instance came this week, when he tweeted out five-month-old footage of repair work on existing border barrier as evidence that his Big Dumb Wall was already under construction. Crrrrrrrrrrrrringe! Maybe he should just force the White House press corps to sit through a screening of the failed Matt Damon vehicle, The Great Wall, declare total victory, and move on.
In a Horatio Alger story for the 21st century, Alex Acosta proved that in America, even a lowly U.S. Attorney can, if he rolls up his sleeves and works really hard, rise all the way to the Cabinet, if he’s just willing to break the law on behalf of a wealthy child sex trafficker, so long as that wealthy child sex trafficker happens to be a Republican donor. Anyhow, “illegally greasing the skids for a serial child molester” does not seem to be a deal-breaker for continued employment in the Drumpf regime. Ethics, as we are all aware by now, are for cucks.
Roger Stone fought the law, and the law gave Roger Stone an atomic wedgie, stole his lunch money, and sent him back out into the world wearing a Kick Me sign. Seems the judge overseeing his case was somewhat less than amused by Roger’s wacky, tweeting-out-death-threats antics.
It sure was fun to watch Rog scramble n’ flail, though. When you best defense is “At 66 years of age, I do not know what crosshairs are, Your Honor,” you know you’re in for a long day. Stone’s spin was that he thought it was just some sort of exotic, magical, Celtic symbol, and that his intention was merely to summon Larry Bird, who would then challenge Judge Amy Berman Jackson to a game of Horse, in which he would inevitably humiliate her, potentially forcing her into hiding. Anyhoo, he’s got a full gag order now, which must be absolutely killing him. Heh.
A Manhattan residential complex voted to take scrape the “Trump Place” name off their building like so much bird poo, because residents had grown weary of retching every time they came home.
Also, a Manhattan residential complex voted to take scrape the “Trump Place” name off their building like so much bird poo, because residents had grown weary of retching every time they came home.
What? Jesus, Cap, how drunk are you tonight? Didn’t you notice you accidentally posted the same paragraph twice? Thing is, these really are two different stories about two different buildings. Yes, Virginia, this really happened twice in one short week. Most Presidents tend to see their names added to schools and roads and such. But then, most Presidents aren’t treasonous, pussy-grabbing, child-concentration-camp-opening, shitpiles, I suppose.
Iowa Congressman/Birth of a Nation LARPer Steve King announced his plans to run for re-election, insisting he has “nothing to apologize for.” I can’t really muster the energy to be mad about this, honestly. Do we expect the white supremacist to say, “hey, sorry I’m a white supremacist?” Anyway, good luck in your primary, Steve-O…your challenger’s case, which we can assume will be based heavily around some form of, “I am not such a mega-racist jagoff that my own party will strip me of my committee assignments, and therefore, unlike the incumbent, I will be able to actually represent you in Congress,” is likely to prove compelling.
Paul Manafort may be praying for a pardon, but it turns out that even if Boss Turdworm hands his former campaign chair that sweet get-out-jail-free card, Manhattan prosecutors would be lurking right outside the prison door, presumably with a giant cartoon net, armed with a whole fleet of new, unpardonable, state-level charges. When you’re #Manafucked, you’re #Manafucked.
Heading into his Please God Let Me Have Just One Day of Favorable Headlines summit with Kim Jong-un, Donnie Dotard’s advisors are reportedly worried he will once again get utterly played by a third-world gangster, probably swapping Hawaii for a contract to open a Trump University satellite campus in Pyongyang. Remember, “dealmaking” is supposed to be the guy’s strong suit.
In a classic bit of Republican fuckery, Team Thickheaded Theocrat issued a new set of guidelines that gosh-what-a-zany-coincidence would strip Title X funding from Planned Parenthood. It’s just the latest dirty trick from the Okay if We Can’t Directly Destroy Reproductive Rights Let’s Pass a Law Where Abortion Providers Need to Have Admitting Privileges at a Local Hospital and Also be Proficient Bassoonists Who Can Juggle Knives on a Unicycle playbook.
President Used Enema Water’s buddy/donor, Patriots owner Robert Kraft, got arrested for soliciting prostitution in a sting against a human trafficking ring, which isn’t funny at all, though it is the second story in one week connecting sex traffickers to the highest ranks of our current dirtbag government. In my opinion, the next President shouldn’t be connected to multiple sex traffickers. I hope that gets brought up in the debates.
News from the trade war is mostly good, except for the 27.5 million tons of unsold soybeans and the 7.7 billion dollars in government bailouts dispersed to offset the damages wrought by the Bonespur Buttplug’s misinformed temper tantrum. I’m sorry, did I say the news was mostly good? I appear to have been lying.
Forced to withdraw his previous nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations, largely because she was a dangerously under-qualified idiot, Shart Garfunkel has instead nominated a different dangerously under-qualified idiot to the post.
And while we keep getting teased with the imminent release of some sort report, perhaps even THE report, from the Mueller investigation, we’re told it will not come next week, as Bodacious Bob will instead be dropping a secret album of American standards, featuring duets with Lady Gaga, Miranda Lambert, and, surprisingly, Sally Yates.
We do have a number of Michael Cohen hearings to look forward to however, though most will be behind closed doors. The Sensei of Sez-Hoo is making the most of his farewell tour, having obtained a brief delay to the start of his prison sentence. Perhaps he’ll schedule some post-hearing after-shows, ideally in a more intimate, jazz club type setting. Maybe he can dish on this new info he’s allegedly been turning over to prosecutors…
Well, that’s all I got tonight, friends, and if that ain’t enough for ya, you have a problem. Seriously, you’re sitting there at your desk, so gorged on news you’re about to pop like that one guy in Se7en. Yeah, that one. Take a break, goddammit.
*No, YOU’RE mixing metaphors.