Yeah, this is all clearly one giant practical joke y’all are pulling on me. You’re pumping nitrous oxide into my apartment and hacking my tablet to redirect my news searches to Lewis Carroll’s unpublished archives, aren’t you? Shit cannot possibly be this cray in real life.

…can it?

Well, in the interest of getting the small stuff out of the way up front, it looks like members of the Shart Administration have been doing their damndest to secretly ship American nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia, in Are You Fucking Kidding Me-level defiance of the law.

Anyway, let’s move on to Jussie Smollett. Can you belie-actually waitasec. You’re telling me the organized(well, kinda) crime ring squatting in our White House has been trying to sell NUCLEAR TECH to the genocidal, journalist-dismembering, monsters of the House of Saud? That confessed felon Mike Flynn was at the center of the scheme? That perpetually-out-of-his-depth-while-simultaneously-dangerously-in-debt Jared Kushner is involved? HOW IS THIS NOT THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN THE FUCKING WORLD RIGHT NOW?

Folks, the boiling frog thing is real. At this point, the frog has been boiled into frog steam, and the atoms of the frog have journeyed throughout the universe, finding new homes everywhere from the hearts of far-flung stars to the cells of entirely new frogs, which are now boiling in entirely new pots of water. Have we grown so numb to the cascade of criminality that we now shrug at illicit nuclear deals?

Speaking of What the Fuck Will it Take to Get This Motherfucker Impeached news, the Failing New York Times walked us through the Kompromat Kid’s long, often bumbling but consistently corrupt attempts to derail the various investigations into his favorite hobby, which is committing crimes. Donald Trump spends so much time and energy obstructing justice, that he literally brings a statue of Lady Justice with him when he goes to the movies, then deliberately sits in front of it wearing a a top hat.

With the battle to rescue American democracy from the tiny-fingered clutches of a mad would-be tyrant heating up, you’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that CNN has hired a right-wing, conspiracy-theory-peddling hack, with zero journalistic experience, to serve as political editor during the 2020 Presidential race. Don’t worry, I’m sure Sarah Isgur, who until recently spent her time vomiting up Breitbartian propaganda on a taxpayer salary as Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions’ spokesmonster at Justice, will be both fair and balanced at all times.

Certainly more balanced than our ol’ chum, Tucker Carlson. He invited Dutch historian Rutger Bregman on his show, and when the guest refused to play by the house rules, Liar Tuck melted down in what’s sure to make all the year-end Best Tantrum lists. Like all bullies, Carlson is, of course, a coward at heart. Anyway, he was right back to pimping white supremacists, live on tv, before the dust had settled.

Clarence Thomas thinks the First Amendment has gotten too big for its britches, and needs to be tied to a stake in the yard so as to keep it from snapping at the famous and powerful.* Since Justice Thomas is famous for speaking very little from the bench, I think it’s rather thoughtful of him to take the time to remind us that he’s awful.

Nancy Pelosi is once again breaking out the spritzer bottle she uses to keep the Manchurian Manchild from jumping up on the kitchen counter, scheduling a House vote next week to block his emergency declaration for that wall thing that he openly admitted wasn’t an emergency. And of course he’s being challenged in the courts as well.

On the other hand, perhaps Pelosi needn’t bother going to all this trouble; it seems a significant chunk of the funding Weehands McNodick was hoping to unconstitutionally repurpose for his Big Dumb Wall has, rather amusingly, already been spent. Heh. You might have to break open the piggy bank where you keep the Secret Service’s pay-to-pee money, old man.

Well, I hope the bullies on the North Carolina Board of Elections are proud of themselves! They’ve reduced poor Mark Harris, who only wanted to steal a U.S. House seat from the voters of the NC 9th, to tears! Mark was extra sad that his son refused to lie under oath (an oath presumably taken on that Bible that “Pastor” Harris so famously misunderstands) for him, and so he wept, for he had been caught defying a subpoena, and lying about it under oath (“So help you God,” Pastor?) about it.

But now a fresh new election has been called, and Mark Harris will not be a U.S. Congressman, and the Shower Cap did look upon this turn of events and say, “It is Good.” And while the Big Blue Wave of November, 2018, saw the Democratic Party pick up a nice, even, 40 seats in the House, 41 would be…well, it’d be one more, wouldn’t it? So let’s all pitch in and help Dan McCready win this one, huh? I for one am not yet tired of winning.

I see Vlad Putin is strutting around, making nuclear threats like some cut-rate Rocky and Bullwinkle villain. It’s fun to imagine the earth-shaking fury President Hillary Clinton would have unleashed on that cheap thug for pulling that shit, though of course we all know he wouldn’t have dared. Instead, we have to picture Little Donnie Two-Scoops, hiding in the bathroom while he sends his boss pleading texts, begging him not to nuke Europe until at least after the next election.

Federal agents arrested a white nationalist Coast Guard lieutenant (wow, this sentence sucks already) before he could carry out his planned act of terrorist mass-murder (and it got worse in a hurry), finding him in possession of a cache of narcotics and a substantial arsenal (thanks, NRA!) as well as a spreadsheet listing desired targets, which just so happens to align neatly with a list of those President Crotchrot has targeted in various Twitter rants. Yeah, another white domestic terrorist, radicalized and incited to violence by the President of the United States, isn’t that swell?

This horrific near-miss gave Sarah Huckleberry Slanders yet another opportunity to whine that her dirtbag boss is unfairly maligned JUST because he uses Stalinist language to rile up hatred of the free press. “He is in fact a great man of peace, and if there were any sort of prize for that, say a Nobel one, he should totally get that prize.”

I have to give credit where credit is due, and so when Team Shitforbrains announced William Happer as the chair of a new committee on climate change, what can I do but tip my cap? There are some grade A morons in the climate denier community, but only one who claims CO2 is actually persecuted, just like “the poor Jews under Hitler.” I mean, that’s a true masterstroke of idiocy. It’s like making Jenny McCarthy your Surgeon General, or appointing Pam Geller as Secretary of State. I’m honestly in awe.

After two years of more or less constant failure, Il Douche frequently resorts to simply fabricating accomplishments, which you’ll have to admit is much easier than actually accomplishing things. The latest, possibly most pathetic, instance came this week, when he tweeted out five-month-old footage of repair work on existing border barrier as evidence that his Big Dumb Wall was already under construction. Crrrrrrrrrrrrringe! Maybe he should just force the White House press corps to sit through a screening of the failed Matt Damon vehicle, The Great Wall, declare total victory, and move on.

In a Horatio Alger story for the 21st century, Alex Acosta proved that in America, even a lowly U.S. Attorney can, if he rolls up his sleeves and works really hard, rise all the way to the Cabinet, if he’s just willing to break the law on behalf of a wealthy child sex trafficker, so long as that wealthy child sex trafficker happens to be a Republican donor. Anyhow, “illegally greasing the skids for a serial child molester” does not seem to be a deal-breaker for continued employment in the Drumpf regime. Ethics, as we are all aware by now, are for cucks.

Roger Stone fought the law, and the law gave Roger Stone an atomic wedgie, stole his lunch money, and sent him back out into the world wearing a Kick Me sign. Seems the judge overseeing his case was somewhat less than amused by Roger’s wacky, tweeting-out-death-threats antics.

It sure was fun to watch Rog scramble n’ flail, though. When you best defense is “At 66 years of age, I do not know what crosshairs are, Your Honor,” you know you’re in for a long day. Stone’s spin was that he thought it was just some sort of exotic, magical, Celtic symbol, and that his intention was merely to summon Larry Bird, who would then challenge Judge Amy Berman Jackson to a game of Horse, in which he would inevitably humiliate her, potentially forcing her into hiding. Anyhoo, he’s got a full gag order now, which must be absolutely killing him. Heh.

A Manhattan residential complex voted to take scrape the “Trump Place” name off their building like so much bird poo, because residents had grown weary of retching every time they came home.

Also, a Manhattan residential complex voted to take scrape the “Trump Place” name off their building like so much bird poo, because residents had grown weary of retching every time they came home.

What? Jesus, Cap, how drunk are you tonight? Didn’t you notice you accidentally posted the same paragraph twice? Thing is, these really are two different stories about two different buildings. Yes, Virginia, this really happened twice in one short week. Most Presidents tend to see their names added to schools and roads and such. But then, most Presidents aren’t treasonous, pussy-grabbing, child-concentration-camp-opening, shitpiles, I suppose.

Iowa Congressman/Birth of a Nation LARPer Steve King announced his plans to run for re-election, insisting he has “nothing to apologize for.” I can’t really muster the energy to be mad about this, honestly. Do we expect the white supremacist to say, “hey, sorry I’m a white supremacist?” Anyway, good luck in your primary, Steve-O…your challenger’s case, which we can assume will be based heavily around some form of, “I am not such a mega-racist jagoff that my own party will strip me of my committee assignments, and therefore, unlike the incumbent, I will be able to actually represent you in Congress,” is likely to prove compelling.

Paul Manafort may be praying for a pardon, but it turns out that even if Boss Turdworm hands his former campaign chair that sweet get-out-jail-free card, Manhattan prosecutors would be lurking right outside the prison door, presumably with a giant cartoon net, armed with a whole fleet of new, unpardonable, state-level charges. When you’re #Manafucked, you’re #Manafucked.

Heading into his Please God Let Me Have Just One Day of Favorable Headlines summit with Kim Jong-un, Donnie Dotard’s advisors are reportedly worried he will once again get utterly played by a third-world gangster, probably swapping Hawaii for a contract to open a Trump University satellite campus in Pyongyang. Remember, “dealmaking” is supposed to be the guy’s strong suit.

In a classic bit of Republican fuckery, Team Thickheaded Theocrat issued a new set of guidelines that gosh-what-a-zany-coincidence would strip Title X funding from Planned Parenthood. It’s just the latest dirty trick from the Okay if We Can’t Directly Destroy Reproductive Rights Let’s Pass a Law Where Abortion Providers Need to Have Admitting Privileges at a Local Hospital and Also be Proficient Bassoonists Who Can Juggle Knives on a Unicycle playbook.

President Used Enema Water’s buddy/donor, Patriots owner Robert Kraft, got arrested for soliciting prostitution in a sting against a human trafficking ring, which isn’t funny at all, though it is the second story in one week connecting sex traffickers to the highest ranks of our current dirtbag government. In my opinion, the next President shouldn’t be connected to multiple sex traffickers. I hope that gets brought up in the debates.

News from the trade war is mostly good, except for the 27.5 million tons of unsold soybeans and the 7.7 billion dollars in government bailouts dispersed to offset the damages wrought by the Bonespur Buttplug’s misinformed temper tantrum. I’m sorry, did I say the news was mostly good? I appear to have been lying.

Forced to withdraw his previous nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations, largely because she was a dangerously under-qualified idiot, Shart Garfunkel has instead nominated a different dangerously under-qualified idiot to the post.

And while we keep getting teased with the imminent release of some sort report, perhaps even THE report, from the Mueller investigation, we’re told it will not come next week, as Bodacious Bob will instead be dropping a secret album of American standards, featuring duets with Lady Gaga, Miranda Lambert, and, surprisingly, Sally Yates.

We do have a number of Michael Cohen hearings to look forward to however, though most will be behind closed doors. The Sensei of Sez-Hoo is making the most of his farewell tour, having obtained a brief delay to the start of his prison sentence. Perhaps he’ll schedule some post-hearing after-shows, ideally in a more intimate, jazz club type setting. Maybe he can dish on this new info he’s allegedly been turning over to prosecutors…

Well, that’s all I got tonight, friends, and if that ain’t enough for ya, you have a problem. Seriously, you’re sitting there at your desk, so gorged on news you’re about to pop like that one guy in Se7en. Yeah, that one. Take a break, goddammit.

*No, YOU’RE mixing metaphors.