So you’re not a big fan of the white text on a black background look, huh?

Hey, today sure sucked, huh? I'll always remember October 5th, 2018 as the day Susan Collins droned endlessly on while somebody took a jackhammer to my crotch. Next year I'll bake a cake shaped like Susan Collins droning endlessly on while somebody takes a jackhammer...

This one was hard, friends. For the first time, shit was so abominable, I didn't WANT to blog about it. The news has been like a cheese grater, slowly, painfully, eroding my brain into a pile of taco toppings. I wanna stick my head in a sauna till it sweats out the...

Fuck, y’all. I am no longer equal to this moment. Today cries out for a monologue from Howard Beale, but like, a sweaty, WWF-style 'roid rage Howard Beale, screaming “I'm as mad as hell, and I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM!!!! We were given terrifying...

Hey there, Shower Captives, I'm back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y'know...live in the moment...

Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd let you have a...

Oh, the news, the news. I'll say this: if you wagered President Gas Station Urinal Cake would navigate September 11th without making an ass of himself and humiliating the entire country, you fucking well deserved to lose your money. A lot of things are, frankly, just...

Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally...

Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and...

Look, through all the insanity of the last few years, I've done my best to stay positive, but I have to confess, my friends...I'm worried. Though I'm not a superstitious man, it's hard to see the blinding horror of Theresa May dancing as anything other than a sign of...

Today, the biggest news story in the world revolved around whether or not the President of the United States could be forced to act like an adult. As I have stated on many occasions, I would very much like to wake up now. And if I can't wake up, I'll settle for...

Kind of a slow news week, huh? I'm honestly not sure there's enough to justify a blog tonight. Maybe we can dig something up. Um...I got some new underwear... I see protesters at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill toppled a statue of some dead loser...

I'm feelin’ nostalgic tonight, Shower Captives. I'm thinking about those bygone times when you could go days, weeks even, without paying attention to the news. Those were the goddamn wonder years, weren't they? Morgan Freeman narrated ‘em, but he didn't talk all that...

I'm a little extra loopy tonight, chums. I assume that's cuz I mixed a little asbestos into my customary six-pack. Carcinogenic? Perhaps. But it's one helluva party. Just to get the shitty news out of the way early, white supremacist megagrifter KKKris KKKobach,...

At this point, after nearly two years of being governed by this Clown Car Full of Rectums, I'm at the end of my rope, friends. I'm lookin’ at the clock every three minutes, asking, ”is it the midterms yet?” It's like Xmas times a thousand, where I'm pretty sure I'm...

I've resigned myself to the fact that I no longer live in the real world. Somehow I fell into some mediocre novelist's vanity project, heavily influenced by Clancy, le Carré, Seuss, Birthday-Party-era Nick Cave, and far-too-readily-available cheap weed. It's not fair,...

I'm probably gonna regret saying this...I know we're nowhere near out of the woods yet, and I know things will probably get worse before they get better. Still, sifting through the usual shitstorm of madness today...is it my imagination or was there just a weeeeee bit...

Hey, before we jump in tonight, don't forget to check out Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms!  Everything you need to navigate the 2018 elections, and focus your activism!  It's a hoot, you'll dig it, I promise. I'm really starting to come around on...

Fucking hell, what a weekend. You saw where John Lewis was suddenly hospitalized and you were all, “2018, you motherfucker! DON'T. YOU. DARE.” But then Lewis was discharged with a clean bill of health, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg said she was planning on serving for at...

Hey, I guess they found water on Mars? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. My bags are packed, y’all. Rocket me the fuck off this planet before somebody does something legitimately insane, like invent mayonnaise-flavored ice cream. ...GODDAMMIT! There probably isn't any money left...