Well, I’m blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can’t strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch…just double-check my work, is all I’m saying.

Before we go any further, we need to get the mushroom thing out of the way. I know we all wish it didn’t happen, but it did. Look, I’ve never been on the “Female Ghostbusters ruined my childhood” or “A black stormtrooper ruined my childhood” train, because that train is a dumbfuck train.

But Stormy Daniels, YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE SAND LEVELS IN SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2 NOW? THE LITTLE BOING NOISE TOAD MAKES WHEN HE JUMPS WILL SEEM SO GROSS AND SINISTER!

(Dry heaves for a bit) Anyway. Moving on.

The Big Dumb Trade War escalated again, with Strawberry Shartcake levying tariffs on an additional $200 billion in Chinese goods, and China retaliating. The President wants YOU to do your part, but he doesn’t need to worry, because YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CHOICE, since prices are going up on all kinds of shit you use, whether you like it or not!

Don’t worry though, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, the kind of dude who periodically loses track of how many mansions he owns, says you’ll barely notice the gouging! And if there’s anyone alive with his fingers on the pulse of the working class, surely it’s a doddering money-launderer.

Ted Cruz, faced with the admittedly-Herculean task of Getting Re-elected Despite Being Ted Cruz, suggested his opponent (some guy named Beto, you probably haven’t heard of him) would make BBQ illegal if he won. The only remaining question is, when Cruz and Mike Huckabee launch their comedy tour, how will they decide who headlines?

(Let me just say, if Democrats ever DID try to ban BBQ, I’d switch parties before the grill could heat up. I mean, I’m all for equality and progressive taxation and protecting the environment and gun control and health care and all that stuff, but if you start messin’ with the really important shit…I’m from Kansas City, y’know.)

Easily the simplest part of the whole POTUS gig is the “Consoler-in-Chief” role. When something shitty happens, just pop up, demonstrate a little empathy, say something kind and hopeful. Admittedly, it’s probably a lot harder for a sociopath, as we’ve already seen.

So when Tangerine Idi Amin went down to the Carolinas to visit areas damaged by Hurricane Florence, he congratulated one resident on the sweet-ass boat that crashed into his house, and then he asked if his golf course was ok. I think he thinks he was being all wily and subtle about the golf course thing, too. Sigh.

He also evaluated the hurricane’s…wetness. It was super fuckin’ wet, according to America’s first meteorologist President.

And President Crotchvoid happily proclaimed, for all the world to hear, that he based his recent decision to declassify shit he has no business declassifying because three Fux Nooz hosts without half a brain between them, Hannity, Dobbs, and Pirro, told him to. Lord. The Three Stooges of Malice. We’d be safer if he was getting advice from a strip-mall fortune teller, a Magic 8 Ball, and a Teddy Ruxpin doll.

Then again, will we ever be truly safe from a drooling man-child who thinks somebody should build a wall across the entire fucking Sahara Desert? Who’s gonna pay for THAT, genius? Jawas? Sand People?

Elaine Chao is the latest Cabinet goon to get caught burning through fat stacks of taxpayer money on expensive travel, because the spirit of Pruittism is alive and well on Team Treasonweasel. I’m starting to understand why Republicans are always advocating for massive cuts to safety net programs; they’re worried all that spending on hungry children and sick people might cut into their travel budget.

The President and his Attorney General (if such a thing truly does indeed even exist) are fighting again, and I for one appreciate the way that whenever this shit happens, ol’ Jefferson Beauregard always goes out of his way to remind you he’s a racist, lying, sack of human garbage utterly undeserving of any sympathy whatsoever.

There ain’t no good guy. There ain’t no bad guy. There’s only Jeff and Don and they’re just two of the biggest, smelliest, assholes in human history.

President Andrzej Duda of Poland, angling for an American military base, casually suggested, “Hey, why don’t we call it something like, I dunno, Fort Trump, maybe?” and Orange Julius Caesar practically shat himself in glee at the thought, because when a cripplingly insecure narcissist runs the most powerful nation on Earth, diplomacy-by-ego-fluffing is a valid tactic. I think it’s maybe a little depressing that the Internationally-Known Playbook for Manipulating the American President fits on one notecard, but then again, I am a cuck.

So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.

Ralph Shortey, a former “family values” Republican state senator, was sentenced to 15 years for child sex trafficking. Hey look, here’s a picture of him and his chum, Donald Trump, Jr. Yeah, he was the campaign’s Oklahoma state chair, just one more example of criminals drifting into the Trump family’s orbit. Coincidence, I’m sure.

And the “free speech activist” who’s been pushing for the right to distribute plans for 3-D printed murder weapons you can assemble in the comfort of your own home is on the lam, allegedly in Taiwan, for sexually assaulting a child. Why yes, he’s a big Ted Cruz donor, why do you ask?

Oh, and there’s also a Roy Moore story coming later, but I’ve decided to put that in the Kavanaugh section, instead of the GOPedo section, so go ahead and take a break from your projectile vomiting.

Freedom isn’t free, and neither, it turns out, is keeping little kids in cages. But don’t worry, the white nationalist assclowns running your government will find the money somewhere, even if they have to raid Head Start and the National Cancer Institute! That’s right, friends…locking children up is more important than curing cancer to these abominable people. Betcha Stephen Miller isn’t diverting any funds from cure-for-baldness research, though.

Hey, National Rifle Association, are you sitting down? Cuz I’ve got some really terrible news. Your tests came back, and you have cancer…of the wallet! Membership dues are down, and you’re bleeding money…almost as if you’d been shot by a marauding lunatic. I guess America is finally tired of you murder-shilling rat-bastards. And if you think this news is bad, wait ’till you see the electoral drubbing your stooges take in the midterms.

Ron DeSantis, bless his heart, insists he isn’t racist. He just says racist shit, takes money from dudes who say even more racist shit, runs racist Facebook pages, and speaks at racist conventions. Me, I think he’s really monkeying up his chances this November. Yup yup. “Monkey up” is still a super-common colloquialism that folks use all the time. Yup.

And of course the Kavanaugh confirmation debacle continues to churn stomachs from coast to coast. Republicans squirmed for a bit, but they figured that the one-two whammy of imposing a ridiculous artificial deadline and refusing to allow an FBI investigation into the accusations would frighten Christine Blasey Ford into silence, and they’d get away with everything with NO COMEUPPANCE.

Yes, the Withered, Chalk-White, Hate Raisins on the GOP side of the Senate Judiciary Committee seem to have settled on a strategy of You Have One Week to Present Yourself to be Grilled by Powerful Professional Rhetoricians Who Will Do Everything They Can to Destroy You, or it Doesn’t Count Anyhow in the Meantime Enjoy the Death Threats.

Didn’t take ‘em long to get weirdly cocky about the whole thing, actually. South Carolina CongressJag Ralph Norman told a super-hilarious sexual assault gag he’d been saving up for just such an occasion, perhaps auditioning for spot on the Cruz/Huckabee comedy tour. One of Chuck Grassley’s staffers took what might generously be referred to as an “unseemly victory lap” before locking his social media accounts. A handful of truly choice scuzzbuckets are even pushing some magnificently ill-conceived conspiracy theories about, I kid you not, a Brett Kavanaugh lookalike.

And in the middle of it all, there’s Roy Moore, urging his colleagues to dig in and fight back! With Alabama’s leading serial child molester waving the flag, how can they fail?

Anyhow, Ford has now said she’ll testify next week, under certain conditions and not on Monday, so the GOP is back in freak-out mode. They’re frantically searching for a way to get a woman in the room to conduct the questioning, thus avoiding the spectacle of 11 ancient white dudes attacking a victim. Putting a woman on Judiciary in the first place does not seem to have been an option that occurred to them at any point.

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all proud of himself for not assaulting Kavanaugh’s accuser like some common Gold Star family, and let’s pause to appreciate what it means to live in a time when “Hey, the President didn’t behave like a raging bag of dicks for once” is headline news.

French MegaBigot Marine Le Pen has been court-ordered to undergo psychiatric testing, and shit, kids…if we could arrange some sort of Freaky Friday scenario where we trade legal systems with France, just for like, a few days…that’d be SPECTACULAR.

You may be wondering what our ol’ chum Michael Cohen has been up to since confessing to multiple felonies. Is he saying farewell to old friends before his sentencing? Taking up new hobbies he can enjoy behind bars that won’t require anyone to smuggle contraband up their ass? Eating raw cookie dough while binging American Dad?

Well, it turns out the Sensei of Sez-Hoo has been spending a whole lotta time with his special new friend…Rugged Robert Mueller. They’ve mostly just been talking about boys and clothes, but also about Russia and collusion and pardons and obstruction of justice and stuff.

Mikey’s even talking with New York state authorities about his former boss’s fake charity scam. Wow, you make all KINDS of new friends when you confess to a lifetime of crime!

Late-breaking reports suggest Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is quite the stickler for commas, ho ho! Human rights violations? Less so.

Lordy. So much bat guano hurled at me today, I went through three sets of windshield wipers. And then, yeah, I found the sexxxy handmaid costumes. Throwin’ in the towel for the night, Resisters. Going to bed. Wearing a helmet.