Hey there, Shower Captives, I’m back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y’know…live in the moment and soak in the glory of watching some of rock’s greatest artists perform.

I saw Jerry Lee Lewis, y’all. Jerry Lee Goddamn Lewis. Dude rocks harder at 82 than I ever have in my life.

Whelp, we’ve learned more about Precocious Paul’s plea deal, and damn, y’all, he’s even more #Manafucked than we thought! I guess when you’re facing life in jail alongside the possibility that the Russian mobsters you’ve been working with might just murder your family, you sorta take what you can get. I think the moral of the Manafort story is Maybe Don’t Spend Your Life Doing a Fuck-Ton of Crimes.

I see FEMA director Brock Long studied at the Scott Pruitt School of Good Governance, as he’s mastered the art of pairing ridiculous gaslighting with grifting all the taxpayer money he can get his hands on. Brock’s repugnant attempt to blame the tragic, preventable, loss of life in Puerto Rico on an outbreak of post-hurricane spousal abuse was met with the almost-instantaneous karma of the investigation into his fuckery getting referred to prosecutors. Enjoy your trial, bro!

Lots of talk circulating that President Shartcannon is itchin’ to get rid of Secretary Mattis, because he’s had enough of fuddy-duddy grown-ups telling him that he shouldn’t bomb England in retaliation for that giant baby balloon. He also seems to fear that Mattis is a “secret democrat,” like maybe he puts on a mask at night and runs around giving working people health insurance or something?

A West Virginia library director attempted to ban Bob Woodward’s FEAR (which Cap is slowly working his way through when he has the stomach for it) from the shelves of her branch, because doing so while covering your ears and going “LALALALALALA” as loud as you can means that Sharty McFly has never done anything bad and everyone loves him. Anyway, she was overruled by the board, but in retaliation she plans on going through every book in the joint, cutting out the word “fear” whenever it appears, and then setting them all on fire like a pair of Nikes, or “Treasonsneakers,” as they are now known.

Along similar lines, the Texas State Board of Education voted to remove references to Hillary Clinton and Helen Keller from their curriculum, replacing them with sections like “Overcooking steaks is the American way” and “Trump’s inauguration had the biggest crowd in history and don’t let your lying eyes tell you any different.”

All I’m sayin‘ is, conservatives wouldn’t have such a desperate need to rewrite reality if they weren’t so wrong about everything, y’know?

So they’re giving Baron Golfin von Fatfuk the power to send “emergency” text messages to everybody’s phone whether we want ‘em or not? Golly, I bet that’s a power he’ll never abuse. Anyway, the day the impeachment trial starts, and you get that text urging you to violently overthrow the Democratic Congress, just shoot back a quick “new phone, who dis?” and move on with your day.

Ted Cruz’s increasingly-panicked Senate campaign got busted for sending out fundraising mailers that look like court summonses, because Earth’s Most Punchable Man is incapable of doing anything at all without making people go, “CHRIST, what an asshole!” I suppose we could ride Teddy for breaking the law, but I mostly think it’s funny that he can’t even raise money in a deep-red state without masking the call for support as a threat.

Speaking of the midterms, we’re 50 short days out. Why not click on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms and get involved in the battle to take back our country? Polling in competitive districts has been uncomfortably close, my friends, and our candidates need YOUR help.

Of course by now you know the Kavanaugh confirmation story has exploded since we last met. For a couple days, Republicans were all too happy to skate by on, “Oh, the accuser is anonymous? Well that ain’t shit! No reason to slow the train down!”

But then Christine Ford came forward in a Washington Post interview, and suddenly the GOP had to treat her like an actual human being, which they were really hoping they wouldn’t have to do.

You may be wondering, “Hey Cap, did a bunch of right-wing internet rage monsters jump on the first woman named Christine Ford they could find, and harass the ever-loving shit out of her, even though she turned out to be a completely different person?” Silly question, friends. I mean, does the Pope shit in the woods?

And that wasn’t even the grossest victim-smearing scheme. No, that honor goes to an elaborate, Sergio Leone-worthy story where she’s apparently spent years planting seeds in an elaborate plot to avenge her parents’ decades-old wronging at the hands of Kavanaugh’s mother. Was this load of horseshit immediately debunked? Yes it was. Will it still be accepted as gospel by legions of mouth-breathing deplorables? Again, where does the Pope shit?

Anyway, Republicans sure did a lot of twisting and turning over the past few days. Orrin Hatch, in particular, seems to think the world still operates under Anita Hill-era rules. Mitch McConnell squawked a little bit about “regular order,” proving that reptiles in the turtle family are biologically incapable of shame. In the end, Kavanaugh and his accuser are set to testify publicly next Monday. I’m sure the 11 aging white Republican dudes on the Judiciary Committee will behave admirably.

If there’s a silver lining, at least after her political career ends in 2020, Susan Collins will be able to transition seamlessly into her new career as a circus contortionist.

Indicted Pro-Trump CongressCrook (no not that one, the other one) Chris Collins will stay on the ballot in November and still none of the ratings prognosticators think this district is in play because Republican tribalism is so strong their voters aren’t going to let a little thing like a felony or two stand between them and their beloved Drumpf Enablers. Hell, the rate we’re going, the lack of a substantial rap sheet will be disqualifying in GOP primaries soon enough.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announced he’s lowering the number of refugees the United States will accept next year by 15,000, down to just 30,000, because gosh darn it, these assclowns are gonna bleach America as much as they can possibly get away with before the Impeachment Fairy shows up to cart them all away.

And now I see President Shitworm has decided to atomically escalate the Big Dumb Trade War with China yet again, because Economic Stewardship by Tantrum has been working out so well. “No big deal,” he thinks, (insomuch as Trump can ever be said to truly “think.”) “For every factory that closes due to my tariffs, I’ll just invent three completely fictitious new steel mills! Easy-Peasy!”

Fuckhead also wants to declassify some shit from the Russia investigation, even at the expense of exposing sources and methods, because covering his own ample ass is infinitely more important to him than the security of the United States, which strikes me as a particularly shitty trait for a President. Call me a bleeding heart.

Well, thank you, The News, you have officially obliterated any lingering post-rock-festival glow I may have hoped to cling to. Nothin’ to do but get back in the fight…