Fucking hell, what a weekend. You saw where John Lewis was suddenly hospitalized and you were all, “2018, you motherfucker! DON’T. YOU. DARE.” But then Lewis was discharged with a clean bill of health, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg said she was planning on serving for at least five more years, and then she bench-pressed a Cadillac. So you exhaled. And you smiled. Because even nowadays the news isn’t all bad. More good news! One of the frothier loons that snuck into the federal government on Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s moth-eaten coattails, a Pizzagater and Seth Rich Truther named Ximena Barreto, has finally resigned. One less, Resisters…one less! The overarching theme of the last few days’ worth of news is how the Republican Party has thrown in towel on any semblance of decency or rationality. “Fuck it! We’re a hate cult for the shittiest losers on the planet now! We stuck a rotting human nervous system inside a giant pile of cow shit, painted it orange, slapped a corn husk on top, and we worship it as our God!” Like, you saw that statistic where 91% “strong supporters” of the Marmalade Shartcannon trust him to provide “accurate information,” vs 11% who say the same about the media? I’m just shaking my goddamn head at that, friends. Imagine being given the awesome gift of a human life, with free will, and the magnificent instrument that is a human brain, and just haphazardly turning it all over to the most blatant of con men. Is it really THAT much fun to get together every so often with your fellow enraged idiots to chant “lock her up?” It’s not even mere white supremacy anymore. It’s specifically Supremacy for Just the Shittiest White People, and We Demand it at ANY COST. …ANY COST, even shutting down the government, harming millions of Americans and needlessly draining billions of dollars from the economy if Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops doesn’t get his Big Stupid Wall! (Honestly though, when you hear Il Douche threatening a shutdown right before the midterms if he doesn’t get his ridiculously-unpopular way, the only question you can ask is, “What do you think Chuck Schumer will do with his other two wishes?”) …ANY COST, even if it means getting in bed with a maniac conspiracy theorist like Alex Jones, that frothy, sloppy, fucker who terrorizes Sandy Hook families and pretends to be a tough guy even though he got totally cucked by Yogurt. The likes of Lou Dobbs and Tucker Carlson are pretty sure the Constitution meant to include a bit about guaranteeing the largest possible platform for hate-mongers to baselessly accuse grieving parents of being crisis actors involved in false flag operations, but Madison had to make some cuts to pin down the TV rights. Yeah, Liar Tuck will jump all over never-Trumpers like Bill Kristol, but by Gawd, Alex Jones must be given a goddamn megaphone to vomit his fraudulent bile! Once again, it’s not really about “conservatism” anymore, it’s just a cult. Jones is a madman, but he’s a Trumpy madman! Kristol, Frum, Rubin…heretics in the only way that counts. …ANY COST to the American economy, of course! Fuckin’ RIGHT we want to pay more for Coca-Cola products due to needless aluminum tariffs, because having money is nice and all, but chest-puffing, empty, gestures of faux “strength” are so much better, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T PAY MY ELECTRIC BILL WITH BRAGGADOCIO? …ANY COST, including merrily passing all the fruits of economic growth on to an increasingly unaccountable plutocrat class! Oddly, corporations and the rich folks who own and operate them spent their GOP-gifted tax windfall on stock buybacks, rather than employee wages or benefits, who coulda seen THAT coming…except everyone? Meanwhile, real wages are down. WAY down. I guess the idea is we’re supposed to look lovingly at the rising numbers in the stock market or GDP growth and just beam with pride at how well our wealthy overlords are doing, cuz us poor peasant schlubs? We ain’t feelin’ these gains. …ANY COST, clearly including conspiring with a hostile foreign nation to seize political power! Yeah, ever since the Cohen bombshell last week (you remember the one, that alleges Boss Shart knew all about the famous Trump Tower meeting in advance, and thus is big ol’ colludin’ traitor who will be fucked seven ways from Sunday once the law finally catches up to him?) the new hot take on the right seems to be Oh What’s So Bad About a Little Collusion Anyway, Hush Up and Finish Your Peas. Retiring Congressjag/Act I Ebenezer Scrooge Understudy Darrell Issa says hey, “nobody’s going to be surprised” if the sitting American President turns out to have broken a fuckton of laws in colluding with the Russian military, because the bar has been lowered so far, even single-celled organisms can no longer limbo beneath it. Dana Rohrabacher popped out of Putin’s colon just long enough to offer his two rubles’ worth: “Surely anyone red-blooded American politician would collude with the Russian government! I know I would, and I am a typical All-American Boy! I love Bruce Springski, and also the Baseball Game! I am as American as apple pee! Fuck, I mean, pie!” Meanwhile, everybody in the right-wing Enabler-o-Sphere is caught up in the latest dance craze by a hot new act called Rudy Giuliani and the Goalposts, and let me tell you, those zany cousin-fuckers can really MOVE! Yep, Rudy’s transitioned seamlessly from “he didn’t do it,” to “he did it, but it’s not a crime,” and in a couple of months he’ll insist “trading Alaska to Putin in exchange for Trump Organization debt relief is not only constitutional, but patriotic!” I don’t want to seem like I’m criticizing the “legal strategy” of sending a deranged old fool out on television to scream gibberish, but Rudy seems to have a bad habit of inconveniently undermining his client, like today when he seemed to confess that his client not only knew about the I Would Collude 4 U meeting in advance, but that he held a meeting to strategize about it, and that future cooperating witness Rick Gates was there. WHOOPSIE. All I’m sayin’ is…if Rudy Giuliani ever pops up in your life, offering to help you, even if you’re trapped in a blizzard with a flat tire and you’re 300 miles from civilization…just tell him to move along. …ANY COST, up to and including…death? I guess? That’s what this group of soybean farmers says, anyway. Folks, I can understand the psychology of folks who bury their heads in the sand and pretend Sharty McFly isn’t actually doing the things he’s doing. But when you clearly understand the dipshit is taking a jackhammer directly to your balls, and you salute and say “T-t-t-hank you s-s-sir m-m-may I have another?” What the FUCK? Like, literacy tests for voting are clearly wrong, but maybe we should take a long, hard, look at sanity tests… And somehow, somebody thought it was a good idea to let these demented cud-brained dipshits download MOTHERFUCKING 3-D PRINTABLE FIREARMS right in the comfort of their own homes. Well, shit, that should fill the void left by the Roseanne cancellation. Treasury Secretary Mnuchin says he might just lift sanctions on a Russian aluminum company founded by Putin Pal/Manafort Associate/All-Around Thug Oleg Deripaska, but all the Big Dumb Trade War tariffs on our oldest, most loyal, allies remain in place, because those are the priorities of your “America First” regime. Oh, and it looks like Ol’ Mnuchbag is toying with the idea of just inventing a new bit of executive authority in order to give the Trumps and Wilbur Rosses and, now that you mention it, the Steve Mnuchins of the country…wait for it…YET ANOTHER $100 billion tax cut. The populism is so thick you could cut it with a knife, though I doubt they’ll let us serfs own knives for very much longer… Sigh…I suppose you’re expecting me to cover the “Bigfoot Erotica” kerfuffle in the Virginia 5th. I assure you, such things are well beneath my dignity, now if you’ll excuse me, I have some poop jokes to compose! Sean Spicer is threatening to sue the Associated Press for…reporting on something that happened. It happened so hard it was even recorded. Somebody oughta tell Spicey about the Streisand effect. Oh, and also the first amendment.  If you’ve got the time to cover “right and wrong,” that’d probably be helpful. Let’s see, what else, whaaaaaat ellllllllse? Oh, I see Chuck Grassley’s response to Shartboy, Jr. apparently lying to Congress (that’s a crime, by the way) was a rousing, “MEH.” Maybe we can get Chuckie to clarify the exact amount of wealth and/or power one has to accumulate before one is officially above the law. At a mini-press conference today, Government Cheese Goebbels, who never bothers to think before speaking, offhandedly proclaimed he’d meet with Iranian President Rouhani without preconditions. Rouhani’s probably looking at the thorough fleecing administered to the Shart of the Deal by Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin, and licking his lips like a cartoon wolf. Coming this fall to a Fox affiliate near you: Jeff Sessions’ Religious Liberty Task Force! Have you seen the trailer? It’s just three minutes of cops crashing through bakery windows where gay people are browsing, and dudes in SWAT gear clipping Kim Davis’ toenails. What’s this, now? Somebody hacked Wikileaks and published thousands of their DMs for all the world to see? GodDAMN that’s hilarious. If you listen closely, you can hear Justice having multiple orgasms at this news. And now I see North Korea is actively developing new missiles, in spite of the comprehensive peace agreement they signed in the President’s mind. Satellite images are blurry, but sources say the North Koreans appear to be writing “Little Donnie is a Cuck” on every warhead. Anyway, it’s Medicaid’s birthday, and Medicare’s too! Two birthdays means double the celebration…can somebody check in to make sure I get home alright?  I don’t wanna miss the Manafort trial…