Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn’t be so bad if they’d let you have a helmet.

Before we dive in, check out Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms real quick.  We’ve added a fun little map to facilitate navigation.  It’s crunch time, friends.  Get in the fight!

Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon continues to melt down over the identity of the anonymous NYT op-ed writer. He keeps trying to shake the truth from his staff, but since he can’t actually grasp any lapels with his tiny, inadequate hands, he’s provoking more laughter than fear. Which you’d think he’d be used to by now.

Let it never be said that our ol’ chum Paul Manafort isn’t an optimist. Word on the street is, he’s trying to get a plea deal from Bodacious Bob Mueller, but he wants one where he doesn’t have to cooperate with other investigations. Heh. Obviously he learned negotiating from the Shart of the Deal himself. “Hey, how ’bout you let me off the hook in exchange for nothing” isn’t how this shit works.

(UPDATE: While I was drinking, er…”writing” news broke that Precocious Paul did indeed strike a plea deal with the Bobadook. Will we learn more details before I get this post up? Fuck, I don’t know. Google shit for yourselves sometimes, SHEEPLE!)

Always a pleasure to read “Betsy DeVos loses” in the headlines, ain’t it? Though we might pause to wonder why it takes a lawsuit from 19 different Attorneys General to force the Secretary of Education to protect American citizens who’ve been defrauded by predatory for-profit “colleges.” I feel like I may’ve read something like “of, by, and for the people” somewhere. A bathroom stall, probably.

Misshapen, Barely-Sentient, Homunculus Eric Trump went on Fux Nooz to demonstrate that white supremacy is so deeply ingrained in his family that they casually fling around the language of the vilest 4chan boards without even noticing. “Extra shekels.” Jesus. The way it rolled right off his forked little tongue. Like something he says all the damn time. What awful, awful people they are.

And hey, it wouldn’t be a day ending in “y” if I didn’t have a couple stories about GOP officials cavorting with known mega-bigots. For example, Anti-Cantaloupe RageYokel Steve King is out there retweeting white nationalists again, ironically while whining about how everybody keeps calling him racist.

Oh, and a couple of CongressJags got caught partying with a Holocaust denier, but don’t tell Steve King cuz he’ll get pissed he wasn’t invited. Why yes, the CongressJags in question are unusually vigorous Drumpf supporters, why do you ask? Matt Gaetz and Dana Rohrabacher, who knew? They seemed like such nice boys, if you ignore the treason and the seething resentment.

Senator Susan Collins, who has never said a harsh word about the Kochs or Adelsons or Mercers of the world, is curiously irate about a grassroots campaign that’s compiling pledges to fund her 2020 opponent should she carry her Gosh I Just Don’t Think That Nice Kavanaugh Boy Would Overturn Roe v Wade Even Though He’s Wearing a “Roe v Wade Suxx” T-Shirt act to fruition and vote to confirm the bastard.

“It’s a bribe!” declared Collins, clutching the pearls she purchased with a small fraction of the millions of dollars worth of Super PAC donations she’s received over the years which are somehow not bribes for reasons which are unclear to your humble blogger.

I’m personally grateful for Susan Sarandon’s latest batch of self-righteous, tone-deaf, walking-personification-of-rich-white-lady-privilege drivel. Since I spend so much of my time angry at the villainous idiocy of the right, it’s kinda refreshing to get angry at the villainous idiocy of someone on the left for a change. Variety truly is the spice of life.

Seems Montana Senator-wannabe Matt Rosendale caught got making out with the NRA under the bleachers after school, in defiance of campaign finance laws. Hmmm. Disregard for the rule of law? Obedient special interest lapdog? All-too-willing tool of the murder lobby? Yeah, Rosendale would fit right in with the Senate GOP. Let’s make sure he doesn’t get the chance, huh?

You might forgive the Turdwaffle Administration for abandoning efforts to, say, bring manufacturing jobs back to the Heartland, or give Americans better health care, cuz just like a little kid who neglects his other toys when he gets an XBox, they’re REALLY enamored with this whole Throwing Immigrant Kids Into Cages thing.

You could say they’re obsessed with it. They’re skipping their homework (shit like teaching the President how time zones work) to throw every child they can get their hands on into prison. The U.S. government is now detaining at least 12,800 children, a fivefold increase from last year. While our current government isn’t very good at making anyone’s life better, you have to admit they have a talent for evil.

And imprisoning children doesn’t seem to come cheap. I’m just talking monetary terms here, let’s ignore the ever-expanding blight on any human soul associated with this monstrosity. Even after going through Stephen Miller’s sofa cushions for spare change, these scumfucks came up short, so they decided to raid some other agencies’ budgets. Agencies like the Coast Guard. And FEMA. Not like it’s hurricane season or anything. Look, little kids aren’t gonna lock THEMSELVES in cages, amiright? AMIRIGHT?

Tired of media criticism over his homicidal neglect of post-Maria Puerto Rico, Government Cheese Goebbels decided to get proactive, and turn a negative into a positive! “Finally, a Holocaust of my very own to deny!”

Yes, the unforgivable death toll in Puerto Rico is a false flag libtard snowflake conspiracy to make Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops look bad. That was the unspeakably inhuman tweeter tantrum America woke up to today.

Good gravy, I’m tired of this foul, foul, old man. This tar-souled hate-monger with a stale, cat-turd-filled do-nut where most men have a heart. This decency-sucking black hole whose reflexive instinct for atrocity degrades my beloved country more and more every day.

And even more than that, I’m sick of the contemptible Republicans in Congress, all too happy to watch everything good about America burn to ash on the off chance the electorate lets them get away with it, but still scrambling to pack the courts as fast as their withered old white guy bones will allow them, just in case we don’t.

Shit’s potentially getting real on the Kavanaugh front, with Senator Diane Feinstein and Representative Anna G. Eshoo passing a mysterious letter on to the FBI for investigation.

What does the letter say? My first thought, of course, was that it contained evidence that Kavanaugh killed Mr Boddy in the study with the candlestick, but rumors are flying that it’s an accusation of sexual impropriety.

I dunno. I just find it hard to believe that Team Shart would field a candidate for such an important post without conducting diligent vetting first.

…I wrote that sentence with a straight face. Promise.

Fuck, y’all. Shit be cray. I can’t handle any more of this. To that end, I’m gonna be out of the loop for a bit, taking a much needed weekend off to attend Riot Fest. Hey, somebody teach Rick Santorum elementary school geography while I’m gone, ‘kay?