Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die
DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk.
So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux Nooz, and because he’s a rube, he decided the nation was in immediate danger of being overrun by a “caravan” of migrants.
It’s truly distressing, the amount of power Fox has over our easy mark President. One of these days, he’s gonna sit on the remote control and switch by mistake to a channel showing Independence Day, and then we’re really gonna be in deep shit.
Anyway, he’s dispatching the National Guard to the border to protect us from the scary brown people from the television, and whoever it was said that Trump is “a weak man’s idea of a strong man” deserves a fucking marble statue.
If you had Alex Van der Zwaan in the “who will be the first Mueller probe target to be sentenced” office pool, come claim your prize! The message here is clear; lie to Bodacious Bob, go to jail. (If you lie to Shower Cap, I will cry, but you will never know it, for a mask hides my tears.)
President Skidmark was allegedly delighted to learn he isn’t a “target” of the Mueller investigation at this time, only a “subject.” But just like a stranger’s just a friend you haven’t met yet, a subject’s just a Giant Spray-tanned Idiot Who Hasn’t Perjured Himself Multiple Times Under Oath…Yet.
Speaking of Mueller, it seems he’s taken to detaining and questioning various Russian oligarchs when they drop into to the good ol’ U.S. of A. to pick up blue jeans and Adam Sandler DVDs. He’s seeking information on any foreign money that may’ve found its way into a certain bloated rectal tumor’s 2016 campaign. Also Avengers: Infinity War spoilers.
Remember that hilarious joke Roger Stone played on Sam Nunberg, where he said he hung out with his new friend Julian Assange who is a much better tetherball player than Sam Nunberg and also doesn’t smell quite so much like grandma’s house? Well, weirdly, it took place the very same day Roger showed up on InfoWars radio to shoot his fool mouth off about all the shit WikiLeaks was about to dump on Hillary Clinton’s head.
…I guess Stone was playing an equally hilarious joke on his good buddy Alex Jones, right? Such a prankster! I wonder if you can get whoopee cushions in prison?
Shitty White Boy Authoritarianism has an official pillow, I see. The guy who runs MyPillow wants the honor of being Laura Ingraham’s sole remaining advertiser, for some reason. That’s a lot of ad time to fill, bro, maybe you can run a little serial detailing how you got your F rating from the Better Business Bureau!
Clearly, the Shart of the Deal passed his negotiating prowess on to his entire slimy grifter family. Cecile Richards revealed that Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar tried to bribe Planned Parenthood with increased federal funding if they’d just cut out all that abortion stuff.
That’s right, they tried to pay fucking PLANNED PARENTHOOD off to sell out women’s reproductive rights. What’s next? We find out Eric tried slipping Colin Kaepernick a suitcase full of twenties to denounce Black Lives Matter?
…it seriously tells us a whole damn lot about these people that they think this sort of thing can be purchased.
I see Cruella de Vil has been appointed to oversee parks and wildlife at Ryan Zinke’s Interior Department. And of course the Shart Administration has proposed a rule to roll back endangered species protections, because why restrict your shittiness to a single species, right?
GOP political operative Benjamin Sparks is wanted on domestic battery charges for assaulting his ex-fiancée, with whom he signed a sex slave contract.
Moving on, in international news – wait, WHAT? This creep, (who’s worked for Mitt Romney and Scott Walker) actually made a woman sign a sex slave CONTRACT? God, even Michael Cohen wouldn’t touch that shit.
The Blue Wave kept on rollin’ with an absolutely PORNOGRAPHIC win in Wisconsin. Yessir, a bonafide pink-o commie libtard snowflake won a seat on the Wisco Supreme Court, vanquishing her Scott-Walker-backed opponent like the Washington Generals of Cheesehead jurisprudence.
Walker did not take the news well, melting down on Twitter about how liberals were going to break into your house to smash your TV while you were watching Roseanne or some shit. Sorry, Scott, Blue Wave’s a-comin’, and there’s just two things you can do about that:
2. Like it.
Speaking of which, a new poll out today showed former Governor Phil Bredesen leading spittle-flecked lunatic Marsha Blackburn by double digits in the Tennessee Senate race. WOW. Corker kickback indeed. Say, let’s help Bredesen win this seat, shut down the McConnell/Trump court-packing scheme once and for all, huh?
Rudy Giuliani’s third wife filed for divorce, in the process demanding that Rudy be awarded custody of his hideous, hideous teeth.
A bunch of military types leaked to CNN about a meeting between Tangerine Idi Amin and his national security team, because they want the American people to know that serving this President is basically like living in that one Twilight Zone episode with the little kid who has god-like powers but doesn’t understand fuckall about anything.
Man, you can’t throw a rock without hit a brand new story about Scott Pruitt’s Excellent Unethical Adventures, can you? At this point, I honestly don’t know how this bastard finds the time to shave, he’s doing so much cartoonishly crooked shit.
Let’s do the Scott Pruitt Fuckery Round-Up. Just from the last couple of days, ignoring the travel and the soundproof booth.
1. Tries to force his security detail to turn on sirens to get out of a traffic jam, because waiting is for peasants.
2. Sweetheart deal on D.C. lodgings from a lobbyist.
3. …a lobbyist whose project was magically approved.
4. Fuckhead actually FELL BEHIND on his lowball grifter rent to said lobbyist.
5. Went behind the White House’s back to give raises to aides.
6. Can’t even handle himself on a fucking Fox News interview.
7. Has EPA employees reassigned for criticizing his spending/general jagoff-ness.
8. “Shady real estate deal” back in Oklahoma.
9. Runs a puppy mill, and opens all meetings by forcing staff to drink a toast with puppy blood. Ok, I made that one up, but would you be surprised?
Despite all this, the Marmalade Shartcannon was talking about promoting this cheap crook, this paranoid maniac, to Attorney General, as recently as THIS WEEK! Scott Pruitt had more scandals this week than the entire Obama administration had in EIGHT YEARS, and not only is he not fired, they want to put him in charge of Robert Mueller!
The trade war is going about as well as you’d expect, with Field Marshal Dumbass directing the battle. China filed a protest at the WTO, and slapped retaliatory tariffs on a fresh round of American products, most prominently soybeans, a devastating crotch punt to American farmers. Studies show Lil’ Donnie’s tantrum could cost up to 146,000 Americans their jobs, but don’t worry, what’s important here is that the President not be perceived as “weak” in backing down. I ask you, what’s more important? Your ability to feed your family, or Orange Julius Caesar’s fragile pride?
Aaaaaaaand it looks like Littlefinger wants to escalate further, and stock market futures are predictably down. We’ve normalized Drumpf to an extent, but I confess it’s strange, watching the American President intentionally attack the American economy.
After all the years of condescending moral hectoring, I confess I get a tingly feeling in my nether regions whenever we learn more about what a skeezy slimebucket Bill O’Reilly has been the whole time. One of the creepy old pervert’s settlements went so far as to demand that, should evidence of his sleaziness become public, the woman would have to denounce it as “counterfeit.” Tell me more about the “Decline of Morality in America,” Bill, I really want your thoughts on the subject.
Oh my, the right-wing Jackassosphere is all a-tizzy today! It seems free speech is under attack! Dastardly liberals have achieved a new victory in their ongoing quest to stamp out all dissenting thought! Why, no doubt Barack Obama, George Soros, and Chuck Schumer are circle-jerking all over the original text of the first amendment at this very moment!
For you see, Kevin Williamson has been fired from the Atlantic! Woe is us, and woe is freedom itself! First, they came for the Guy Who Repeatedly Said, On Multiple Platforms, That Women Who Have Abortions Should be Hung, and because I was not a RAGING TURDWEASEL ADVOCATING FOR THE STATE-SPONSORED MASS-MURDER OF WOMEN I said nothing.
Nothing except “hooray this horrible man got fired,” and possibly “maybe don’t hire people with such a thirst for executions in the first place.”
Like a toddler who murdered the babysitter, Donnie Two-Scoops has sidelined or removed everyone who tells him “Hey, maybe don’t act like a poop-throwing chimpanzee that just ate its own weight in bath salts, huh?” And so he went down to West Virginia for a “tax roundtable,” where he belched up most of his favorite lies, from Mexican Rapists to Voter Fraud (Gosh, I thought he’d abandoned that one, but sometimes you gotta just play the hits.) to Melania Loves Me For My Personality.
Later, Fat Q*Bert told reporters he didn’t know anything about the Stormy Daniels hush money, you know how lawyers are, always paying off porn stars, the little rascals! Anyway, I’m not sure how his people were threatening to enforce an NDA he never knew about, but that’s a needle for somebody else to thread.
I tell you what, it’s gettin’ mighty crowded underneath The Bus, with Michael Cohen joining Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Georgie Papaderpaderp, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell…and so on, ad infinitum.
There’s more, I know. Corey Lewandowski said a naughty word to Congress, and Robert Mercer paid millions to make the world a little shitter by spreading Islamophobic hate, and I see Paul Manafort has been served with STILL MORE search warrants, but at least Rachel Maddow is slaying the competition in the ratings!
Anyway, thanks for reading, Shower Captives, I’m taking a much-needed weekend off in the midst of all the personal and political madness. My plan is to catch up with everything on Monday night…see y’all then!
PS – While I was editing (and simultaneously drinking, so, y’know…don’t expect perfection) McClatchy dropped a fresh story about Team Mueller serving one of Shart Garfunkel’s business associates with surprise subpoenas, suggesting a particular interest in one Michael Cohen…I have no jokes for this story, but it should make you happy.