Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
76 Fascists Led the Big Parade! With 110 Klansmen Close at Hand!
Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren’t all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE’RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT!
First of all, let me offer my deepest condolences to everyone who viewed the video of our President’s horrid otherworldly scalp, rippling in the wind, looking like somebody grafted the Crypt Keeper’s ass to his skull.
I’ve never seen human flesh look quite so unsettling. Like, the dude who had Voldemort living on the back of his head took one look at that shit and threw up in his mouth.
Congratulate Steve Bannon, everyone! He has a date! With Robert Mueller! Put on your three fanciest shirts, and shine up all your facial sores, Steve! For the first time since your ritual excommunication, somebody actually wants to talk to ya!
Adam Schiff’s “Your Memo is Shit, Devin, and You Are Also Shit” memo has been sent to Drumpf for review and possible release. However, at eleven cruelly-pictureless pages, Schiff’s document has apparently pushed our Commander-in-Chief to the very limits of his intellect and endurance, so let us come together as one nation and pray his brain doesn’t catch fire under the strain.
…or that it does. That’s between you and God.
The Least Surprising Study in All Human History revealed that the drooling maniacs of the right wing are a whole bunch more likely to spread fake news around and also probably to shoot up pizza restaurants did anybody think to ask that one?
I’d take a victory lap, but if anybody decides to poke around the phenomenon of Think Pieces About Why You’re a Bad Person For Enjoying This Movie/Book/TV Show/Ice Cream Sandwich, the results will be less favorable to my tribe, I fear.
While most Americans see videos of ten-cent third world dictators puffing out their chests as tanks and goose-stepping soldiers march by, and think “Thank God I live I free society,” Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jealous of Kim Jong-un”) watches like a spoiled child who just saw a neighbor kid ride around the block on a brand new bike.
Yes, Orange Julius Caesar, perhaps hoping all those missiles and uniforms and warplanes will be enough to inspire one final erection before his dusty, syphilitic, penis finally crumbles to dust, has demanded a Big Stupid Parade, which would cost the American taxpayer millions.
I for one believe it’s time to reign in the President’s Instant Gratification Allowance. Everybody focuses on the millions pissed away on golf trips, but don’t forget he also doubled the ice-cream budget!
And I guess the brass are gonna give the Candycorn Skidmark what he wants. And you know his wish list is gonna get out of control on this thing. Hopefully Mattis puts his foot down when it comes to throwing student protestors in front of the tanks.
Maybe Sheriff Dave will loan Donnie his uniform, if he promises not to spill ketchup on it. Just a heads up, it’ll be considered totally treasonous not to applaud during the parade, and whoever stops clapping first gets sent to the gulag.
Steve Wynn resigned from his hotel company now that everyone knows what an abusive creep he is. The Republican Party, despite spending considerable time and effort painting Harvey Weinstein as the intellectual and spiritual center of the entire American left plus he also probably shot Lincoln, wants you to know that they will be keeping the millions of dollars in Wynn donations, thank you very much.
And yes, they’ll just keep moving the goalposts as their stated conditions are met. By June, Ronna Romney (You can’t hide, not on THIS blog) McDaniel will be saying “Believe me, as soon as Jesus rises from the grave to personally deliver God’s infallible Word carved in flaming letters on a stone tablet declaring that Wynn is indeed guilty, we will agree to just spend Steve’s money on office supplies.”
So, a couple days (years?) back, President Shartcannon told a hilarious joke where Democrats refusing to applaud for him were committing treason ha ha ha I AM THE STATE ho ho hee hee. Now, you might think it’d take about half a thimbleful of Love of Country for any American to condemn such despicable, offhanded, fascism, but damn if Republicans don’t consistently find fresh new ways to disappoint and horrify us.
So meet Claudia Tenney, from the New York 22nd! CongressGoon Tenney says treason might be a wee bit strong, but refusing to fête the pussygrabbing white supremacist grifter doing everything in his power to turn the nation against the press and the FBI is most certainly un-American.
Senator Tammy Duckworth’s reaction was…a little more patriotic and whole lot more badass. Plus, in midst of her most righteous sermon, she coined “Cadet Bone Spurs,” which frankly gives me a bit of nickname envy.
And it turns out Dorito Mussolini is already fantasizing about another government shutdown, this time threatening to cost the American taxpayer a few petulantly-wasted billions unless Democrats rework immigration law to read like erotica targeted directly at Stephen Miller.
General John Kelly, no longer willing to bother with dog whistles, picked up the dog tuba to label some DACA-eligible immigrants “lazy“, even as his immediate supervisor refuses to show up to work before eleven, and rushes away to golf the very moment his handlers disable the shock collar they use to keep him in the Oval Office.
Another gigantic special election upset, this time in Missouri, where Mike Revis won a state seat in a district the Shart carried with 61% of the vote last fall. Just like in Alabama and Virginia, we came to chew bubblegum and win special elections, and we’re all out of bubblegum. But there’s a store down the street where you can get all the fucking gum you want, so basically fuck you we win at everything.
Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wackyland), having learned nothing from his “Secret Society” humiliation, once again proclaimed he’d uncovered the smoking gun proving the FBI’s anti-Drumpf corruption once and for all, only to be rapidly revealed as…well, as a guy with the brain of Ron Johnson.
And of course the whole right wing, all the way up to Government Cheese Goebbels himself, breathlessly promoted their feeble talking point, which, to be clear, was that President Obama, upon learning of Russian interference in America’s election…wanted to be briefed on the matter.
Are these loons truly so far gone that they actually believe it’s scandalous for the President to seek information from the nation’s intelligence community, rather than from cable news hosts?
Silly question. Of course they are.
Angry at the stock market for making him look bad, Circus Peanut Sydney Greensteet wandered out onto the White House lawn, with his bathrobe open, and…yelled at it. Demented old fuck just rage-tweeted at the goddamn stock market. No fucking way he passed that cognitive test without Mike Pence standing behind the doctor, mouthing the answers.
See where Scott Pruitt said climate change got a bad rap, and would actually turn out to be a really awesome thing for humanity? “Crop-destroying droughts will help America face its obesity epidemic,” grinned Scotty 2 Haughty, “And just think of all the working-class families in our coastal communities who never thought they’d be able to afford a pool!”
Rex Tillerson says Russia has every intention of fucking with our midterm elections, but also that we basically have to sit back and take it, because “once they decided they’re going to do it, it’s very difficult to pre-empt it,” and isn’t it inspiring as fuck to see our Secretary of State respond to an assault from a diminishing, second-rate, world power with a shrug and a “whaddya gonna do?”
Rick Gates’ lawyers want a divorce from Rick Gates, and we aren’t allowed to know quite why because shit is all attorney-client privileged and whatnot, but they seem to be citing creative differences, and want to break away to form their own group, maybe do a little bit of prog-influenced art rock, but without the treason Rick always insisted on.
Nancy Pelosi took to the House floor for an epic 8 hour, 7 minute speech advocating for DREAMers and DACA. The length of the former Speaker’s heels factors into every story I’ve read on the topic, and will only grow with legend. “Pelosi stood atop 6-foot-tall, serrated, iron stilts for three days,” we’ll tell our grandchildren.
Well, if Pelosi can hold the floor for eight hours, surely the least you and I can do is contact our our Congressthings and demand legal protections for DREAMers, don’tcha think?
Oh, this is fun! The cybersecurity head over at DHS says Russian hackers not only targeted voter databases in 21 states, but actually succeeded in penetrating a few! You read shit like that, and then you remember that the executive branch JUST refused to enforce sanctions on Russia…
…and then you just fuckin’ DRINK, right? That’s what I’m doing. Jesus.
General Kelly’s West Wingman, some dude named Rob Porter, resigned today. Why? Because his two ex-wives came forward with stories of his lengthy history of physical abuse, complete with horrifying photographic evidence.
Oh, and it turns out the entire Shart House knew about the abuse, since it turned up in his FBI background check, preventing him from gaining a security clearance. But Kelly and co (and let’s not forget the not-so-good General whimsically reflecting on the sacredness of women not so long ago) decided they weren’t going to let a silly thing like beating up women get in the way!
And so we were treated to testimonials about Porter’s CHARACTER, from Kelly, from Sarah Sanders, from Visibly Decomposing Retiree Orrin Hatch. We even learned that he’s been dating Shartboy’s shadow, Hope Hicks, who helped craft the White Houses’s aw-shucks-he’s-a-real-good-guy-even-if-he-beats-up-women response.
…I’m starting to think these folks aren’t reliable judges of character, is all I’m sayin’.
And shit, as I was writing this post, I came across this lil’ tale, of one of Cowboy Ryan Zinke’s underlings at Interior, getting the department to pay 32 g’s to upgrade a government-owned building so he could Airbnb it? Fucking of COURSE that happened. Of COURSE it did.
This is TWO DAYS worth of news, folks. TWO DAYS.