Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia…Excuse Me, I Mean “Amazon.”
In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the children will brag, beaming.
Anyway. The news.
Folks, how can I hope to maintain a political satire blog, when I’ve got the very President of the United States hornin’ in on my territory?
Yes, Smallhands Magoo proclaimed April “National Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” because irony passed out in a dive bar urinal and drowned. Fuck it. I’m proclaiming this National You Shouldn’t Drink A Bunch of Beer and Write a Bunch of Poop Jokes About Our Shitsack President Month.
Yesterday was Easter, and the God Emperor of Shitty White Evangelical Losers celebrated by belching up as much hate and divisiveness as he could muster before his tiny inadequate fingers gave out, and he could tweet no more. Now, I’m not religious, but anyone who says we’ve lost sight of the meaning of Easter with all the bunnies and candy can get in fucking line, Jesus was super clear on this shit.
Shartboy’s DACA tweets demonstrate two things:
1. He doesn’t understand immigration policy. At all. It’s possible he’s actually forgotten that he’s the one who ended DACA.
2. He’s as racist as a Mississippi Klan chapter’s hooded, whitey-white laundry.
I’m starting to think Tangerine Idi Amin has his Twitter feed hooked up to a speech-to-text program. He just rolls out bad, babbling in a half-conscious fury after breathing in experimental hair tonic fumes all night. I mean, when he tweets about “Moonbeam,” is he talking about Jerry Brown, or perhaps some mythical beast that torments him in his nightmares, perpetually clawing at his withered, misshapen, genitals, tauntingly proclaiming, “When you’re a hippogriff, they let you do it?”
Stacey Dash ended her Congressional run a few weeks after starting it, and you’ve already read every conceivable CLUELESS joke, so why fucking bother? Nobody ever makes a MO’ MONEY joke or a CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF LOVE joke, I wonder why that is?
Famous Pants-Shitter/NRA Board Member Ted Nugent became the latest right-wing scrotum tumor to go after the Parkland kids, equating “Hey, having a bunch of your classmates murdered by a gun-wielding maniac is bad and we should make that stop,” with “lacking a soul.” Anyway, the moral judgements of a guy who adopted a teenager so he could fuck her carry a lot weight, obviously.
Somehow Scott Pruitt, despite wiping his ass daily with taxpayer cash, and now getting caught basically accepting bribes from a lobbyist, is still in charge of the EPA. And so he gets to do shitbag stuff like rolling back Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because clean air is, like so many things nowadays, FOR CUCKS.
California vows to maintain higher standards, so Scotty’s gonna fly over there on a private jet, getting foot massages and gargling caviar, to try and make them stop. And MAGA nation will cheer another “victory,” merrily shelling out more at the gas station, all the while chuckling at how thoroughly the libtards have been owned.
Roseanne’s back in the news, posing for horrific photo shoots and I guess she’s got a show or something? Anyway, she wants us all to embrace Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, for his heroic efforts breaking up pedophile rings all over the…wait, what the shit?
Somehow Pizzagate didn’t end when that crazy guy showed up to murder everybody? It just kept going, and expanding, like some creepy weirdo writing fanfic where Buffy’s on Season 43 by now? Congratulations, America, you have the dumbest fucking people to ever walk the earth. Evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
What next? I swear, they’re gonna bring back Cheers, and every episode, they’ll have to kick Norm out because he thinks Frasier’s a lizard person.
Everybody saw all those Sinclair videos, right? Coordinated, corporate-mandated propaganda, dutifully spouted at you by your trusted local news team! If you hear a faint, mournful howling outside your window, that’s just George Orwell’s ghost weeping in despair.
We’ve since learned that Sinclair like, booby-traps their newsroom talent’s contacts to keep them from quitting in protest. If you quit a Sinclair station, you have to live in a cave, spinning straw into gold, for forty years. Plus they get your firstborn and you’re never allowed to listen to the Beastie Boys again, for the rest of your life.
Longtime readers are no doubt aware of the ongoing subplot where Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops, desperate to project an illusory image of competence, attempts to secure funding for his Big Stupid Wall, but he can’t get any, because he’s really really bad at his job, especially the deal-making part of it. Anyway, in possibly the most pathetic act of a supremely pathetic life, he’s finally resorted to tweeting out pictures of an Obama-era repair project, and pretending that A) It’s the Big Stupid Wall and B) He had something to do with it.
Well, the Shart House and David Shulkin are slap-fighting over whether Dave resigned as VA secretary or was fired. It looks like Shulkin’s version will prevail, as Team Fuckstick won’t be able to produce a resignation letter. The Sunny D-Bag offered to forge the note himself, but General Kelly talked him out of it, likely because of the President’s inability to spell at a third grade level.
Some jag is publishing a book, in which he claims Kellyanne Conway is the “number one leaker” on Littlefinger’s staff, earning her the coveted Golden Diaper award. Conway denies this, but really, who gives a fuck?
Ron Johnson, GQ’s “Dumbest Senator” for seven years running, had some thoughts on the Mueller investigation. RoJo, wearing laceless shoes and a clip-on tie, opined that the Special Counsel was appointed “too early,” (You really want to give the firing of an FBI director so as to obstruct justice room to breathe, right?) and he’d much rather have seen the Congressional oversight process, i.e. the Mad Magazine-caliber counter-espionage perpetrated by Devin “PF” Nunes, play out.
Johnson also mentioned he’s been conducting his own little investigation…into HILLARY CLINTON. “Investigation.” Right. He’s probably got one of those giant lollipops, and he thinks it’s a magnifying glass.
Remember when poor, addled, Sam Nunberg stumbled from cable channel to cable channel, defending Roger Stone’s honor? Those feelings are…not reciprocated. First Stone took a big ol’ public shit on Sammy, then it leaked that Mueller has an e-mail from Stone to Nunzie saying “Guess who met with Julian Assange? THIS GUY!,” and now Roger’s trying to play it off like this hilarious joke he played! Like, yeah, the timeline is crazy suspicious, but I was just trying to put one over on ol’ my psycho pal, sometimes you draw dicks on his face when he falls asleep on the office couch, sometimes you lie about meeting Julian Assange! Har har har!
…I’m sure Robert Mueller finds it quite amusing, Mr. Stone.
So, Vlad Putin interferes in our election, hacks our energy grid, grins his way through a PowerPoint presentation where he nukes Florida, and, oh yeah, stages a chemical weapons attack on one of our strongest allies’ native soil.
So naturally, Government Cheese Goebbels invites him over to the White House for overdone steaks and a rousing game of Connect Four. Which is a totally normal response for an American President to have towards an openly hostile adversary, especially one who has absolutely no piss-based video recordings to be blackmailed with.
Shit, it even turns out that the ONE time Fuck-O seemed to actually stand up to Russia, when he ordered the expulsion of 60 “diplomats?” Even that was bullshit! Now they’re saying “Oh, feel free to send us some fresh spies to replace the old ones, they were probably getting tired of How I Met Your Mother reruns anyway.” For fuck’s sake.
Il Douche recently booted Gary Cohn from his staff, because Gary’s a fuckin’ downer, with his “don’t start a trade war, trade wars are bad” wet-blanketry. Having successfully surrounded himself with the macaroni-and-cheese-like comfort of unwavering yes men, Donnie started his trade war anyway, targeting China particularly.
And so the Chinese government imposed a number of retaliatory tariffs, which is, of course, EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET KNEW THEY’D DO. 128 American products, expertly targeted to stomp hardest on the crotches of the workers who make up the Shart’s base.
I don’t even have to tell you this was yet another gut punch to the stock market. I guess Nasdaq’s down for the year now, nice work, Boss Shart. Never thought I’d need to look back with nostalgic whimsy on the days when the American President didn’t deliberately assault his own nation’s economy, but here we are.
Of course, the other factor tanking stocks was the thing where the President decided to repeatedly attack an American corporation because the CEO also owns a media company that refuses to operate as a state propaganda outlet.
Won’t do jack shit to retaliate against a hostile foreign power that attacks us again and again…wants to bring the full force of the Presidency down on an American company because the owner won’t bend the knee. Got it.
Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp seems to be back to doing what he does best; getting hammered and shooting his damn fool mouth off.* Some dude says he met George and his wife at a club, and the Famous Coffee Boy drunkenly spouted off about how one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was up to goofy elf ears in collusion with Russia, cuz he wanted those sweet, sweet e-mails soooooo bad.
Like, Jeff Sessions is William Hurt in BODY HEAT, and the e-mails are Kathleen Turner.
Hey, so Lou Dobbs gets to call in to the Oval Office to weigh in on high-level decisions, that’s…more horrifying than Stephen King’s entire body of work. Quite the adventure, living in a country where you’re governed by a petulant man-baby who disdains expertise in favor of the advice of a raging old bigot from the teevee box.
Speaking of the Best People, Shartcannon 2020 Campaign Manger Parscale seems to be getting itchy for the day when he can finally slap on a uniform and order his political opponents before a firing squad, isn’t he? Can’t we get rid of that pesky Jim Acosta and replace him with someone more…compliant?
Anyway, I’ve come to the point where the Delirious Deteriorating Dotard rambled about military spending, for an audience of children, next to the goddamn Easter Bunny, and there’s no way I can top that shit. I’m out.
Stay safe, Resisters! It’s all kinds of fucked up out there!
*He may yet go down in history as the Drunken Noob That Launched a Thousand Indictments.