Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Another insane goddamn day
Well folks, while not quite up to standards of some of the more chaotic trips around the sun since the Marmalade Shartcannon took office, I hope everyone invested in fertilizer manufacturers, because today was another Bat Guano Nutty Day.
We all woke up and immediately checked in on that deleted scene from V FOR VENDETTA where the guy gets bloodied in the process of being dragged off an airplane by law enforcement for refusing to give up his seat when the airline wanted to give it to an employee on an overbooked flight after he’d already boarded.
Wait, what? That was real life? You’re shitting me.
Anyhow, we all watched in awe as the brass at United took the, shall we say “novel” approach of blaming the dude they had the cops beat the shit out of for the ass-kicking they ordered to be administered to him.
In the background, maybe you saw some of the pieces that rounded up the responses to a PRIVATE FUCKING CORPORATION ENLISTING TAXPAYER FUNDED LAW ENFORCEMENT TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT A PRIVATE CITIZEN BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY RESERVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE BACK THE SEAT YOU PAID FOR AT ANY POINT PROBABLY UP TO AND INCLUDING THIRTY THOUSAND FEET ABOVE THE ROCKIES HOW THE FUCK DID WE LET IT COME TO THIS from supporters of the man we all pay to golf and periodically sign executive orders, and, surprise surprise, THEY TOOK THE AIRLINE’S SIDE. We didn’t know just how much hunger there was in this country for a strong, sadistic, authoritarian state, did we? In related news, I’m launching a kickstarter to fund a series of dominatrix parlors in the Rust Belt. HILLBILLY ELEGY PART TWO, BITCHES.
Of course the same little Shartkins are apparently flocking to Bill O’Reilly’s show, actually BOOSTING his ratings in the midst of the revelations that Fox has settled a number of sexual harassment suits against an old man who very clearly has to pay for sex. I tell you, folks, the Deplorable economy offers a number of unique opportunities. It’s like “Well, I’m looking for someone to redo the shingles on my roof, but I’m hoping to hire somebody reprehensible. Do you have any multiple rapists on staff?”
And we all had a laugh that the congressman who is famous for screaming YOU LIE at President Obama going home to a town hall where a bunch of his constituents screamed YOU LIE at him, which has a fun sense of comeuppance to it. This congressman likely has a name, but I don’t give a flying fuck what it is.
We learned that the Shart may have bombed Syria (or at least some useless gravel in Syria, since the Syrian military launched strikes from the base we bombed less than 24 hours after we hit it, can’t these people even blow up a stationary target without fucking it up?) because his daughter told him to, which is a totally normal thing that happens in all developed countries with strong constitutional democracies. OR IS IT? Maybe Ivanka will get equally upset at all the children who were killed in the recent Mosul air strike or the botched Yemen raid, and Dorito Mussolini will order a strike on the perpetrators, without realizing exactly what he’s done until the sandtrap on the 8th hole at Marmalago gets an unplanned expansion.
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard, our Yokel General, was all over the news again today. A couple of days back, he made it clear that he didn’t want our Justice Department focusin’ on no civil rights, and today he ordered them to instead focus all available energies on punishing brown-skinned people for the high crime of not being white. Much was made of how his prepared remarks used the word “filth” to describe his preferred targets, but how he declined to actually call them “filth” in the delivering of the speech. Because that’s the state of the immigration debate in American today, right? Whether or not we call our fellow human beings “filth.” Anyhow, Sessions got a good sturdy taint punt today when a federal judge struck down Texas’ super-racist voter ID law just for being ridiculously super-racist. Because we still have to argue about poll taxes. In the United States of America. In the 21st century. Sleep tight. By the end of the day, Ol’ Beauregard was assurin’ the press that the cawngruss would mos’ happily make Americuhns pay for that big ‘ol border wall, because…well, because there’s no reading test to run for the Senate in Alabama, I guess. After giving his last interview, Sessions returned to chewin’ on an old shoe by the fireplace.
Rex Tillerson, who is our Secretary of State because he’s a rich guy who…(shit, man, I need Mad Libs to finish that sentence because I’ve never found one halfway compelling reason this Oil Stooge was made our top diplomat) made some headlines by wondering aloud “Why should U.S. taxpayers be interested in Ukraine?” I’ll tell ya, Rex, there are a lot of reasons American taxpayers don’t want to see the world on fire, at the very least we should understand that we can’t sell PAUL BLART: MALL COP DVDs to residents of a war-torn wasteland. (This was probably the moment the day tipped officially into madness for me. Just one year ago, a mind-bogglingly asinine statement like this from our chief diplomat would’ve been headline news, a major international scandal. Today, you probably didn’t even notice it. It was on page twelve. You did the crossword, read your Garfield, and moved on.)
And then ALONG CAME SPICEY. Sean Spicer rode into the White House Press Room on a steam shovel and declared “today I will dig myself into the deepest hole in human history, and before the sun sets not even Jules Verne will be able to find me,” and Sweet Christ did he deliver. The lead spokesman for the President of the greatest nation on Earth stood in front of the assembled media of the world and engaged in some light Holocaust denial ON FUCKING PASSOVER and for a minute we were all like “Of course he did, this is just what life is like now,” but after a second we realized this was crazy shit even by our ever-plummeting standards. And poor Spicey squirmed and shifted, issuing clarifications that got edited every eleven seconds (no, I mean Hitler didn’t kill his own people, he just killed Jews, NO WAIT, I mean he didn’t gas innocent people NO WAIT I mean he gassed innocent people he just didn’t drop gas on them, he invited them to HOLOCAUST CENTERS and we all have to thank him for introducing “Holocaust Center” to the culture lexicon, right?). And we all laughed until he issued an apology which is what any normal human being would do immediately, without hesitation, if they FUCKING DENIED THE HOLOCAUST ON PASSOVER.
Just when the madness was starting to take over, right when you’re thinking about how you’d look with half a pound of pickled beets stapled to your face, WaPo breaks the story that the FBI obtained a FISA warrant to surveil Carter Page, a foreign policy advisor to Toupee Fiasco’s (That one’s not mine, but it’s good, isn’t it?) campaign. And then you noticed that WAIT HOLD ON WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY? A lot of wacky terms have been thrown around over the last few months, like “emoluments” and “Defending World Champion Chicago Cubs,” but this is what the poet would call a Big Fucking Deal. You have to demonstrate to a FISA court that there is PROBABLE FUCKING CAUSE to believe that a dude is acting as a FUCKING AGENT OF A FOREIGN FUCKING POWER to get one of these things. And Carter Page, he of the Steele Dossier, he who was cultivated as an unwitting asset by Russian intelligence not so long ago, passed the test. Drip drip.
Before you even finished that article, you got your CNN push notification (God bless this era in which our news outlets compete to scoop one another with stories that undermine the Clowncar Full of Assholes that governs us) for the story showing that Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes essentially made his whole bullshit story up, between the fucking of various pigs. The CNN story featured a few quotes from Sebastian Gorka, which is surprising since his face melted off during the climax of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.
By the end of the day, Bill O’Reilly announced that he was going on a vacation for a spell, which was totally planned all along and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that so many advertisers have ditched him that he has to shorten his show and broadcast ads from companies that convert your MP3 files into 8-track tapes and offer to take care of your pets after you’ve been raptured. Anyway, Bill O’Reilly’s gonna go somewhere quiet and focus on just sexually harassing Bill O’Reilly for awhile, know what I mean?
And then SCROTUS made some surprisingly negative comments about Steve Bannon in an interview, downplaying his role in the campaign and suggesting he might not be around much longer. My Shart House sources tell me that upon hearing this news, Bannon shrieked and expelled ink on several aides through previously-undisclosed orifices.
Meanwhile there was a special election in Kansas’ Fourth Congressional District to fill the seat vacated by Mike Pompeo, who left it to join the Dick Tracy rogue’s gallery known as our President’s cabinet. Despite being one of the safest GOP seats in the country, the Democratic candidate threatened to pull off an upset. How red is this district? Before Pompeo won the seat, Kansas’ Fourth was represented for seven terms by a VHS copy of BEDTIME FOR BONZO (look it up). Anyhow, the republican won, but by a shockingly low margin, and folks, if a Berniecrat can get within 8 of getting a house seat in Wichita, KS, where it’s illegal to make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex without a permission slip signed by at least 9 apostles, then we need to pour money into the upcoming special elections in Montana and Georgia, and the midterms are gonna be Little Bighorn 2.0.
There’s more. There’s really more. They’re still engaged in a dick-measuring contest with North Korea, and trying to pass some version of their Let’s All Murder the Poor, excuse me “Health Care” bill, and they’re even fucking up the Easter Egg Roll (google it, seriously) but I am now tired, you’re on your own.
In the end…shit be cray, folks. Shit be cray.
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