Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Further insanity, I need a damn straightjacket.
Maybe the last few days haven’t been as batshit insane as some of the really nutty ones, or maybe as we approach 100 days of being locked in Arkham with these assholes, our standards for what constitutes true madness have shifted. Like if Charles Manson was your roommate, standing on a counter in Starbucks throwing poop at all the baristas wouldn’t seem like that big a deal. On the other hand, having demoting Steve “Darth Wino” Bannon after a series of costly failures, perhaps the the Shart Administration has settled into a new normal of low-grade bumbling malice. So let’s take a bit to laugh at these clowns as they wander around and crash into shit like so many bumper cars. Racist, hateful bumper cars.
Maybe you enjoyed a laugh over the weekend at the headlines about the Most Powerful Man on the Planet struggling to pull off the White House Easter Egg Roll (God love ’em, they got it done. The day after Easter, but nobody caught on fire, so it’s probably making the 100 Days accomplishments list) or Alex Jones’ own lawyer referring to him as a “performance artist” in a custody battle (and let’s get an Underground Railroad going to get those kids away from that bellowing freak, by the way. You’d be better-adjusted if you were raised by a dead chinchilla and half-eaten package of watermelon Oreos than Alex Jones. Fuck.).
The last few days have been full of hilarious tales of GOP reps facing their constituents at town halls, defending the president’s bi-hourly golf outings, or their “If you didn’t want to die, you shouldn’t have gotten sick before you made six million dollars” health care bill. They flailed and floundered, some insisted on digging themselves in even deeper holes, screeching about how their constituents don’t actually pay their salaries (boy howdy that right there was a dumb fucking thing to say) or about how you wouldn’t yell in church so don’t yell at me, to which I say if my pastor was scheming to take away my health care I would absolutely yell at him in church, and by the way so would Jesus so shut your whore mouth, Congressman-for-now LaMalfa.
The news broke that Ivanka just so happened, WHAT A COINKYDINK to be granted a few trademarks in China on the I SWEAR, IT JUST HAPPENED, ISN’T THAT WEIRD very same day she had dinner with President Xi of China at her daddy’s NO SERIOUSLY, THE TRUMP FAMILY IS USING THE ASSETS AND INTERESTS OF THE UNITED STATES TO NEGOTIATE PERSONALLY FAVORABLE FINANCIAL DEALS WITH CHINESE BUSINESSES AND NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE A NICKEL’S WORTH OF BENEFIT golf club, which, I am told, is not a newsworthy story at all.
Oh, and there’s that little story where a white supremacist is suing the President for inciting him to violence at a campaign rally where he is in turn being sued for assaulting an African-American woman. (FUN FACT, this is not the only story about a white supremacist man assaulting a woman in the news today, isn’t that neat?) Remember when that happened to President Obama? Or Bush? Or Clinton? Or Taft or Pierce of Harrison or Monroe or Frank Fucking Underwood? WELL SHIT, I DON’T REMEMBER THAT EITHER.
The most hilarious news of the day, possibly of all human history, came when the Failing New York Times issued a push notification to let the world know that when Orange Julius Caesar was bragging about sending “an armada” over to North Korea to intimidate them into giving up their nuclear program and instead devote themselves to composing song cycles praising the ratings of The Apprentice before that German fellah took over, the ships in question were in fact SAILING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Incompetence on that level, that easily-observable-to-the-entire-world level, is hard to comprehend. It’s like the driver of an ice cream truck, instead of selling fudge pops to children, fills his freezer with rat corpses, drives into a playground swing set, and stands atop his vehicle screaming profanities until the authorities cart him away.
We learned that Dorito Mussolini joined the King of Saudi Arabia, (Where “Hey, should we let women drive cars?” qualifies as a major controversy) the President of Azerbaijan (Whose Veep is his fucking wife), the Borg Collective, Bill Cosby and the Red Skull as the handful of people so lacking in decency as to call up President Erdogan of Turkey to congratulate him on his disputed-by-international-election-monitors autocratic power grab, and probably asking him to write an article for Cosmo on 10 Easy Tips For Arresting Journalists While Not Looking Like a Jagoff For Having a Too-Long Necktie.
Toupee Fiasco’s bumbling didn’t stop there, as, in an interview with Fox (The official network of creepy old dudes who work in news in order to have access to blonde newscasters to harass) the COMMANDER IN CHIEF OF THE MIGHTIEST WAR MACHINE THE EARTH HAS EVER SEEN revealed that he thinks North Korea has been governed by the same man for untold decades, some sort of immortal super-leader who never ages but has made sure American Doesn’t Win Anymore since 1776, probably. You sort of wind up hoping that that this dick-comparing-in-reverse posturing between Drumpf and Kim Jong Un winds up with the two of ’em getting in a hammer fight in the aisles of the Wal-Mart in Paducah, KY, don’t you?
Things took a not funny/straight nasty turn later in the day when we learned that the Shart’s little brownshirts in ICE had deported their first DREAMer. These fucks like to pretend they’re focusing on “bad hombres,” but any fool can see they’re rounding up everybody they can track down, so they’ll be able to have a nice fat deportation count to throw out to the “Build a Wall” crowd during the re-election campaign, since they won’t be able to show them the high-paying jobs they promised. Steve King, the Iowa congressman who’s been polishing his collection of Nazi memorabilia these last few weeks in anticipation of being named commandant of his very own concentration camp, tweeted a photograph of a beer to the deporters, because he’s a terrible human being with a gas station urinal cake where most people have a heart. He’s an extra-large pile of shit, because he sent a picture of a beer without actually intending to buy anyone an actual real-life beer.
Anyway, a bunch of polls have been released in the last few days, and they’re all showing that the nation continues to absolutely hate the Giant Orange Baboon’s Ass occupying the White House, even after he blew up a bunch of gravel in Syria, so what did he bother blowing all that Syrian gravel for, anyhow? Independents are abandoning him and even his base is starting to have doubts (just wait until those manufacturing jobs stubbornly refuse to return just cuz El Sharto keeps saying they will) and as I post this the results from the special election in the Georgia Sixth are rolling in, and you know everybody in the Shart House is well past pissing themselves, and have moved on to ordering sandwiches from Jimmy Johns, white meat chicken, chewing silently in their cold, piss-drenched chairs.