Further insanity, I need a damn straightjacket.

Maybe the last few days haven’t been as batshit insane as some of the really nutty ones, or maybe as we approach 100 days of being locked in Arkham with these assholes, our standards for what constitutes true madness have shifted. Like if Charles Manson was your roommate, standing on a counter in Starbucks throwing poop at all the baristas wouldn’t seem like that big a deal. On the other hand, having demoting Steve “Darth Wino” Bannon after a series of costly failures, perhaps the the Shart Administration has settled into a new normal of low-grade bumbling malice. So let’s take a bit to laugh at these clowns as they wander around and crash into shit like so many bumper cars. Racist, hateful bumper cars.

Maybe you enjoyed a laugh over the weekend at the headlines about the Most Powerful Man on the Planet struggling to pull off the White House Easter Egg Roll (God love ’em, they got it done. The day after Easter, but nobody caught on fire, so it’s probably making the 100 Days accomplishments list) or Alex Jones’ own lawyer referring to him as a “performance artist” in a custody battle (and let’s get an Underground Railroad going to get those kids away from that bellowing freak, by the way. You’d be better-adjusted if you were raised by a dead chinchilla and half-eaten package of watermelon Oreos than Alex Jones. Fuck.).

The last few days have been full of hilarious tales of GOP reps facing their constituents at town halls, defending the president’s bi-hourly golf outings, or their “If you didn’t want to die, you shouldn’t have gotten sick before you made six million dollars” health care bill. They flailed and floundered, some insisted on digging themselves in even deeper holes, screeching about how their constituents don’t actually pay their salaries (boy howdy that right there was a dumb fucking thing to say) or about how you wouldn’t yell in church so don’t yell at me, to which I say if my pastor was scheming to take away my health care I would absolutely yell at him in church, and by the way so would Jesus so shut your whore mouth, Congressman-for-now LaMalfa.

The news broke that Ivanka just so happened, WHAT A COINKYDINK to be granted a few trademarks in China on the I SWEAR, IT JUST HAPPENED, ISN’T THAT WEIRD very same day she had dinner with President Xi of China at her daddy’s NO SERIOUSLY, THE TRUMP FAMILY IS USING THE ASSETS AND INTERESTS OF THE UNITED STATES TO NEGOTIATE PERSONALLY FAVORABLE FINANCIAL DEALS WITH CHINESE BUSINESSES AND NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE A NICKEL’S WORTH OF BENEFIT golf club, which, I am told, is not a newsworthy story at all.

Oh, and there’s that little story where a white supremacist is suing the President for inciting him to violence at a campaign rally where he is in turn being sued for assaulting an African-American woman. (FUN FACT, this is not the only story about a white supremacist man assaulting a woman in the news today, isn’t that neat?) Remember when that happened to President Obama? Or Bush? Or Clinton? Or Taft or Pierce of Harrison or Monroe or Frank Fucking Underwood? WELL SHIT, I DON’T REMEMBER THAT EITHER.

The most hilarious news of the day, possibly of all human history, came when the Failing New York Times issued a push notification to let the world know that when Orange Julius Caesar was bragging about sending “an armada” over to North Korea to intimidate them into giving up their nuclear program and instead devote themselves to composing song cycles praising the ratings of The Apprentice before that German fellah took over, the ships in question were in fact SAILING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Incompetence on that level, that easily-observable-to-the-entire-world level, is hard to comprehend. It’s like the driver of an ice cream truck, instead of selling fudge pops to children, fills his freezer with rat corpses, drives into a playground swing set, and stands atop his vehicle screaming profanities until the authorities cart him away.

We learned that Dorito Mussolini joined the King of Saudi Arabia, (Where “Hey, should we let women drive cars?” qualifies as a major controversy) the President of Azerbaijan (Whose Veep is his fucking wife), the Borg Collective, Bill Cosby and the Red Skull as the handful of people so lacking in decency as to call up President Erdogan of Turkey to congratulate him on his disputed-by-international-election-monitors autocratic power grab, and probably asking him to write an article for Cosmo on 10 Easy Tips For Arresting Journalists While Not Looking Like a Jagoff For Having a Too-Long Necktie.

Toupee Fiasco’s bumbling didn’t stop there, as, in an interview with Fox (The official network of creepy old dudes who work in news in order to have access to blonde newscasters to harass) the COMMANDER IN CHIEF OF THE MIGHTIEST WAR MACHINE THE EARTH HAS EVER SEEN revealed that he thinks North Korea has been governed by the same man for untold decades, some sort of immortal super-leader who never ages but has made sure American Doesn’t Win Anymore since 1776, probably. You sort of wind up hoping that that this dick-comparing-in-reverse posturing between Drumpf and Kim Jong Un winds up with the two of ’em getting in a hammer fight in the aisles of the Wal-Mart in Paducah, KY, don’t you?

Things took a not funny/straight nasty turn later in the day when we learned that the Shart’s little brownshirts in ICE had deported their first DREAMer. These fucks like to pretend they’re focusing on “bad hombres,” but any fool can see they’re rounding up everybody they can track down, so they’ll be able to have a nice fat deportation count to throw out to the “Build a Wall” crowd during the re-election campaign, since they won’t be able to show them the high-paying jobs they promised. Steve King, the Iowa congressman who’s been polishing his collection of Nazi memorabilia these last few weeks in anticipation of being named commandant of his very own concentration camp, tweeted a photograph of a beer to the deporters, because he’s a terrible human being with a gas station urinal cake where most people have a heart. He’s an extra-large pile of shit, because he sent a picture of a beer without actually intending to buy anyone an actual real-life beer.

Anyway, a bunch of polls have been released in the last few days, and they’re all showing that the nation continues to absolutely hate the Giant Orange Baboon’s Ass occupying the White House, even after he blew up a bunch of gravel in Syria, so what did he bother blowing all that Syrian gravel for, anyhow? Independents are abandoning him and even his base is starting to have doubts (just wait until those manufacturing jobs stubbornly refuse to return just cuz El Sharto keeps saying they will) and as I post this the results from the special election in the Georgia Sixth are rolling in, and you know everybody in the Shart House is well past pissing themselves, and have moved on to ordering sandwiches from Jimmy Johns, white meat chicken, chewing silently in their cold, piss-drenched chairs.