Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
BREAKING: Michael Cohen Claims FBI Agent Ate Slice of Junior’s Cheesecake From His Fridge During Raid
Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit’s so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac? It’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?
I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained moron incapable of understanding anything more complex than a bendy straw and who couldn’t find his own dick with a map. But let’s not lose site of the fact that for all his more comical shortcomings, he’s also just plain fucking evil.
SCROTUS apparently got surly when he saw a video of a drone strike where the operator made the total cuck choice to avoid murdering the target’s entire family. Got that? Insufficient Slaughter of Civilians is the bug up the American President’s quadruple-wide ass.
If anybody does seances, couldja conjure up Dante for a week or so? I’d really like to see what he’d come up with for this fuckstick.
Oh, and a fire broke out in Shart Tower in New York, killing one resident. The poor guy might be alive, but Don the Con didn’t want to shell out for sprinklers so badly that he lobbied lawmakers so he wouldn’t have to! So yeah, this guy gets to hang out in bars in the afterlife, telling the story of how he’s dead because the President of the United State of America is cheap son of a bitch.
Don’t worry, though, Il Douche tweeted about how rad his gaudy-ass building is, with nary a mention, not even a thought or a prayer, for the human being who died in it.
The $25 million Shart University settlement was finalized today, just another reminder that we’re being governed by a cheap grifter who’d be pickpocketing tourists on the subway if he hadn’t been born into money.
So, one of my pet theories is that the first time you hear about any rank-and-file GOP CongressDope in the news, it’s in the context of said CongressDope behaving like a blistering jackass. Thanks to South Carolina’s Ralph Norman, my hypothesis continues to hold.
Ralph pulled a gun out in a meeting with constituents, including some Moms Demand Action activists, because you always want to remind the folks you represent that you can murder them at any time, I guess. Attempted to remove all lingering doubt that he’s a complete tool, Norman went on to say “I’m not going to be a Gabby Giffords.”
Ralph. Bro. Absolutely zero worries on that front. Gabby Giffords is a genuine American hero. She’s tougher than a two-dollar steak. You? You’re just one more stunted man-child packing heat because it makes you feel like a cowboy.
Hey look, the Department of Homeland Security is compiling a database of journalists and bloggers, so they can keep tabs on “media influencers!” Now, most of you are probably think that’s some terrifying 1984 shit, and you’re not wrong, but me? I’m wondering if my humble blog page makes the cut. Suddenly I seem like a goddamn genius for working under a mask, don’t I? Betcha wish you’d thought of that, Jake Tapper!
Blake Farenthold, who had already announced he wasn’t running for re-election in the midst of his “I’m a big ol’ pajama-clad pervert” investigation, suddenly went, “Y’know what? I’m actually just gonna piss off home today if everybody’s down.” We can only assume investigators finally found that notebook where Blake doodles pictures of himself getting penetrated by Care Bears.
The opening shots of the trade war with China have been fired, and the Velveeta Vulgarian wants you to know, he’s putting America first! Well…one American, anyhow. His daughter. Yes, you can sleep soundly knowing that while countless Americans, from soybean farmers to auto workers are getting fucked over by this idiot messing around with economic forces he doesn’t understand, Princess Ivanka’s shitty made-in-China crap has been declared exempt from the tariffs!
The Marmalade Shartcannon praised the patriotism of America’s farmers today, celebrating them for heroically absorbing the consequences of his bullheaded trade war. Maybe some day, he’ll commission a statue of a farmer being served with foreclosure documents while the imbecile President pats himself on the back for dropping a hand grenade into the global economy.
Meanwhile, a trio of South Carolina state legislators (just GUESS which party they belong to) introduced a bill to consider secession if the dastardly gubmint dares to curtail their god-given right to own bump stocks and flamethrowers and shoulder-mounted RPGs. I say give the maniacs what they want. Let’s wall off a chunk of real estate where the NRA crazies can roam free. Give ‘em their own country, their President can be Dana Loesch, or maybe Yosemite Sam.
Betsy DeVos has had about enough of these peasant teachers in Oklahoma with their sniveling demands for “non-moth-eaten textbooks” and “a living wage.” She thinks the striking teachers should “keep adult disagreements and disputes in a separate place,” possibly a some sort of Dickensian workhouse where the serfs can be forced to perform manual labor while grading What I Did Last Summer essays.
Boy, we keep finding all The Best People, don’t we? Today we found out about Kevin Sabo, a career employee at Interior promoted to a fancy political post by Team Shart, who believes in every looney conspiracy from Pizzagate to CIA mind control. Oh, and he tried to murder an ex-girlfriend. Cut the brakes on her car. Anyway, your tax dollars pay his salary, NEAT!
Paul Manafort was denied bail yet again, despite offering a package that included a number of coupons for “free hugs.” Sorry, Paulie, you remain, as ever…#Manafucked.
Mark Zuckerberg submitted written testimony to congress, saying “Whoopsie! In hindsight, I probably should’ve considered the entirely predictable consequences of my ridiculously powerful company’s reckless manner of gathering fucktons of personal data, but I didn’t, MY BAD. Anyway, sorry about that whole Facilitating a Hostile Foreign Power’s Extremely Successful Attack on Our Nation’s Democracy thing. Pizza’s on me tonight, ‘kay?”
We need a whole ‘nother news station just to cover Scott Fucking Pruitt, don’t we? CNNP. We learned he’s pissed millions of our taxpayer dollars away with his paranoid security demands. One of his top sidekicks, Samantha Dravis, resigned when we found out she’s been collecting a fat salary even though she doesn’t seem to like showing up for work.
Oh, and remember the other day with Scotty claimed he didn’t know anything about the massive raises that his toadies got? Well, that turns out to be pure horseshit, and there’s an e-mail proving that it’s horseshit, and his goons are bumbling around trying to figure out how keep the EPA inspector general from finding out about the e-mail and its horseshit-proving powers, but now that it’s a national media story, that seems…unlikely.
Ted Nugent was removed from the board of the National Rifle Association for saying Democrats should be shot like “coyotes.” Oh wait. Only the second part of that sentence is true.
Speaking of gun nuts, Governor Rick Scott announced his campaign to challenge Bill Nelson for one of Florida’s Senate seats. With the Parkland kids organizing in their home state, hopefully we can send this corrupt NRA lackey back to the private sector, but if you’ve got a buck to spare for Bill, let’s make sure that Blue Tsunami washes Scott away with the rest of the garbage.
John McCain tore into the Bonespur Buttplug, for the way his wandering, uninformed, foreign policy emboldened Assad to carry out his latest horrific chemical weapons attack. So he’s Good John today, but don’t worry, give him a week and he’ll do something like vote for a bill that gives corporations the right to break into your bedroom and poke holes in all your condoms, and we can go back to being mad at him.
Shart Organization lawyers hit up the motherfucking PRESIDENT OF PANAMA to try to get him to shred his country’s constitution and intervene in their crazy, periodically violent, hotel dispute in Panama City. You read their letter, and you almost have to be impressed with the raw ballsiness of the blatant corruption, with its lightly veiled threats to use to the power of the U.S. government to lean on a whole fucking country if they don’t get what they want.
As many smarter folks than I have said thousands of times before, ”…and they made Jimmy Carter give up his peanut farm.”
Government Cheese Goebbels finally found something he does better than Obama: blow up the deficit! Yessir, the CBO says that, thanks to the Rich People Aren’t Nearly Rich Enough, Don’tcha Think? tax bill, the deficit will hit one trillion annually by 2020, but hey, think of all the extra money Bob Corker and the Koch brothers will have!
Huge congratulations go out to my Senator, Tammy Duckworth, the first serving Senator to give birth while in office! It was also John Bolton’s first day on the job as Dipshit’s National Security Advisor, so it’s sort of an alpha and omega kind of news day.
Today’s news also brought the headline, “Sinclair commentator resigns after threatening to sexually assault Parkland survivor David Hogg,*” because ours is a corrupt, fallen, world, and if there is a God, he’s gonna flood this planet any fucking minute now.
Shiny new polling shows Shart Garfunkel has finally lost the support of crotchety old white people, at least the most educated ones. At this rate, his base is gonna dwindle down to James Woods and the voices in Lou Dobbs’ head by 2020.
Grumpy Prevaricator Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us that President Crotchvoid still “feels” like there was massive voter fraud in the 2016 election, despite his inability to provide a post-it note’s worth of evidence, even with KKKris KKKobach’s dedicated help.
Yes well. I still feel like my skills as an actor were under-appreciated, and I should be landing juicy character roles in collaboration with Peter Weir and Wes Anderson, but here I am writing a political poop joke blog in my pajamas, begging strangers to pay for my beer.
And juuuuuuuust when I had come down with a near-terminal case of the Mondays, the Michael Cohen news broke, and I literally laughed my ass off. I’m writing from the hospital bed, where a team of first rate surgeons are sewing my ass back on.
Yes, the Sez-Hoo Surrogate received some unwanted houseguests, don’tcha just hate that? Especially when it turns out to be the FBI raiding your home, your office, and even your hotel room?
Looks like Bodacious Bob Mueller turned over some evidence to the New York prosecutor’s office (State level? RUH ROH! NO PARDON, MIKEY!) and they came a-knockin’ in search of documents relating to the Stormy Daniels payoff, possible bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and a Netflix review of BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE, which Cohen allegedly described as “The CITIZEN KANE of superhero movies.”
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet took this news…badly. Sitting in an ever-expanding puddle of his own sweat and urine, he rambled in barely-concealed terror about witch hunts and disgraces, referring to a raid ordered by a Sessions appointee and conducted with a warrant issued by a federal judge as a “break-in,” and declared it “an attack on our country,” and “an attack on what we all stand for,” because we all know the Declaration of Independence was mostly about spoiled rich boys trying to pay off porn stars to cover up illicit affairs.
(Just to put a maraschino cherry on top, the Failing New York Times also reports Mueller is investigating a $150,000 payment a Ukrainian steel tycoon paid into the Gaudy Paintings of Myself Fund, excuse me, the “Trump Foundation,” for a 20-minute appearance…during the fucking campaign. Everyone who was ranting about the Clinton Foundation during the election is equally upset about this story, right? RIGHT?)
So yeah, another batshit crazy day, folks. Gotta be honest, though…it’s the Fleetwood Mac news that hit me hardest. Tell me why/everything turned around!
*Yes, they changed the headline after I wrote that. Dick move, Wapo!