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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Duncan Hunter joins Manafort, Stone, Cohen and Collins in an Exclusive Club, and Other Gnus

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2019

 

Hey there, Resisters. I hope you enjoyed the long holiday weekend, and that no blood was shed over the Thanksgiving table, no matter how loudly Uncle Earl read those Daily Wire posts during dessert. Anyway, I got this amazing Black Friday deal for double the madness, and ten times the corruption of a typical presidential administration, and all it cost me was my peace of mind for three years and counting. Join me for the unboxing…

Didja see where Martin O’Malley shamed White Nationalist Scrotum Tumor Ken Cuccinelli right out of an Irish pub over his role in operating the concentration camps full of traumatized kids on American soil, which, I’ll remind you, is somehow a partisan issue here in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka? Now, Cooch is an absolute monster in the shape of a man, and he should never be allowed to leave his home without a legion of decent Americans puking all over his child-torturing ass, so I sincerely hope somebody bought Marty a beer.

Desperate, in the face of his looming impeachment trial, to seem as though he periodically does his actual job, and with ample time to spare since it’s tough to commit crimes at the moment, at least till the heat dies down, Government Cheese Goebbels finally, after nearly three years, visited our troops in a war zone overseas. Anyway, he whined a whole bunch, took some pictures, attacked the media, and of course demanded credit for a new round of peace talks with the Taliban, which, like the overwhelming majority of his loudly-trumpeted “accomplishments,” seem to exist only in his rapidly-deteriorating mind. And the right-wing jagosphere praised him like the second coming for stumbling over this lowest of hurdles.

Ilhan Omar’s would-be Republican opponent got herself permanently banned from Twitter, for repeatedly demanding the Congresswoman be hanged, so I’m juuuuust about ready for another lecture on civility, aren’t you? Yeah, threatening violence is a pretty damn compelling reason to boot someone off your platform, I think. Yes, she’s still a member in good standing of the Republican Party, why do you ask?

Ex-Congressjag Charlie Dent insists his former Republicoward colleagues are privately disgusted by the Candycorn Skidmark’s conduct, even as they obsequiously stand guard by the door while he rolls up the Constitution like a tube and uses it to jam rabid hamsters up his ass. Lord. It’s like privately disapproving of the plague while leaving food out for the rats. Fuck you, Charlie, and fuck your craven friends.

New polling reveals a majority of Republicans now say that next to President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster, Abraham Lincoln was a cuck! Folks, is anyone surprised? Honest Abe FREED the slaves, of COURSE they don’t like him.

Willie Stark Cosplayer John Kennedy walked back his earlier walkback of nonsensical, debunked, conspiracy theories about Ukraine interfering in the 2016 election, ensuring the Louisiana Senator has enough Russian propaganda stuffed in his treasonous jowls to last through the whole winter. Never mind the fact that the GOP-controlled Senate Intelligence Committee found no evidence to support such garbage even though Richard Burr really picked over that pile of horseshit, hopefully and diligently.

Team Treasonweasel declined Jerry Nadler’s invitation to participate in the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearings this week, opting to stick with disingenuous whining about due process, because dance with who brung ya, right? Look, there’s no point in heading up a thoroughly brainwashed cult if you’re not going to take advantage of their blind obedience. Yes, the plan is to piss on Cult 45’s leg and tell them it’s raining. And they will dutifully don their slickers and boots.

Lisa Page broke her long silence in an interview with the Daily Beast, talking about how fun it is, having the President of the United States attack you with his When-Harry-Met-Sally-Only-Evil routine during of one of those nationally-televised Klan rallies. Turns out being targeted from the most powerful pulpit in the world, for an army of rage-filled lunatics who’ve already carried out multiple acts of terror against perceived enemies, is somewhat less than awesome, who could have guessed?

I guess somebody told Duncan Hunter that screeching WITCH HUNT at the top of his lungs was a strategy unlikely to prevail at trial, and so he decided to plead guilty to all those crimes he committed. Yes, the first two U.S. Congressthugs to endorse the Marmalade Shartcannon are both confessed, convicted, felons now. I continue to believe one underrated challenge to Fat Q*Bert’s re-election chances will be the sheer number of his supporters who will be behind bars come November 2020, for everything from campaign finance violations to terrorism.

The Hairplug That Ate Decency keeps on stackin’ up victories in his Big Dumb Trade War, which would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s waging it on HIS OWN FUCKING ECONOMY. Yes, the manufacturing sector contracted for the fourth consecutive month, because to Donnie Dotard, American workers are little more than the insignificant residents of an ant farm he got for Xmas; he’s uninterested in anyone’s well-being, he just likes shaking shit up and watching everyone run around in terror.

I should really just format these blog posts to automatically insert a paragraph reading something like, “Tangerine Idi Amin, continuing his rich family tradition of getting his ass good n’ righteously whooped in court, lost in court again today.” Seriously, the Trump crest should just be a drawing of a dead-eyed moron getting bashed in the crotch with a gavel. Anyway, from the attempted blocking of Don McGahn’s testimony to concealing his tax returns, the Lackluster Legal Loser keeps on doin’ what he does best: losing.

Redactor General Billy Barr finds the coming DoJ inspector general’s report insufficiently condemnatory of the department he oversees, because he doesn’t want anything as silly as “a complete and total lack of evidence” to interfere with his fabricated narrative about the devious deep state spying on the virtuous Shart Campaign, which, just to remind everyone real quick, is part of his crazed effort to discredit the Russia investigation, which revealed dozens of crimes, up to and including an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power, and WHY Bronco Billy is so eager to discredit American law enforcement on behalf of an enemy nation is a question for another day, but let me just pronounce myself available for jury duty when that day comes.

House Democrats’ impeachment report, in addition to neatly summarizing the light-years-beyond-reasonable-doubt case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his team of cud-brained extortionists, delivered some surprising news about a certain soggy pigfucker who shall remain nameless JUST KIDDING IT’S DEVIN NUNES. Yes, it seems our boy Devin had a number of phone calls with Rudy Giuliani and his indicted partner, Lev Parnas. Which he failed to disclose before the impeachment hearings. You can go ahead and set fire to your Xmas list, D, you’re firmly in the naughty column this year, Santa frowns on treason.

Obviously, it’s an extremely normal sign of a super-healthy democracy, when a member of a criminal conspiracy holds such an important post on the committee tasked with investigating that conspiracy. Anyway, the House Republicans’ version of the report, crafted by co-conspirator Nunes and Jim “Yeah, that’s Strauss” Jordan, again takes advantage of the automatic credulousness of the Cult of the Dotard, essentially smearing “Nuh UH” on the walls in their own feces, confident that will be more than enough for the pizzagate crowd, and tragically, they’re not exactly wrong.

By the way, Rudykins had quite the little calling tree, it turns out. He was even in contact with some mystery traitor at OMB, who we’ll call, what? Individual 942 by now? I dunno, maybe the ol’ Cousin-Fucker was just trying to organize a transatlantic plutocrat potluck dinner, but these new revelations, coupled with his televised confessions, don’t exactly assuage my suspicions, to be honest.

Half-assing a favorite maneuver from Gaslighting for Dummies, Shart Garfunkel pulled the old “I don’t know the guy” bit with suddenly-radioactive royal pedophile Prince Andrew, despite a flourishing “Photos of Donald Trump Hanging Out With Prince Andrew, Including at Parties Also Attended By Jeffrey Epstein” scene. I know my country is hopelessly divided right now, but let me say I’m proud to be on the team that never once fell for any of this pathetically-obvious conman shit.

And now former Deputy Director of Intelligence Susan Gordon tells us President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive frequently refused to believe his intelligence briefings, rejecting important information obtained at great risk and cost, because he trusts the yammering idiots on Fux Nooz more. It’s a miracle any of us are still alive.

Ok, that’s all I got for ya, Shower Captives. Kinda light tonight, it’s always quieter when the Manchurian Manchild is overseas. I say let’s enjoy the extended holiday break; he’ll be back to filling the Oval with treachery and overcooked steak farts soon enough. 

PS: Seems Devin “PF” Nunes wasn’t having a bad enough day, so he decided to open himself up to discovery. Can’t fuckin’ wait.

Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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