- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The Turds of a Turd, and Other Most Unpleasant News
Well, I was hoping the turkey leftovers had gone bad, and maybe the gravy had fermented to the point where I was hallucinating all this madness, but then I remembered I had Thanksgiving at a friend’s place, so I don’t have any leftovers, meaning all this shit really happened. Fuck.
Redactor General William Barr has some advice for those uppity Black Lives Matter types: “you’ll take your police brutality and institutional white supremacy, and you’ll like it!” Yes, the most powerful law enforcement official in the country thinks that folks who don’t want to be harassed, or assaulted, or even killed by the very officers who are allegedly tasked with protecting them, are disrespectful and ungrateful, and probably undeserving of any police protection at all. Fucking hell. Who else is looking forward to swearing a loyalty oath as a precondition for dialing 911?
Well, Little Donnie Two-Scoops ran crying from the NATO summit in London, after video surfaced of world leaders mocking him for the sad, silly, oaf that he is, only to run face-first into Diamond Joe Biden’s merciless ad, which brutally reminds the American people that competence is still an option. Lord, even Boris frickin’ Johnson is laughing at us, and that clod couldn’t find his own dick with a map.
And the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearings confirmed that President Crotchrot’s conduct in his Ukraine scheme is indeed 31 flavors of impeachable, on account of being all corrupt n’ illegal n’ shit. The GOP’s witness engaged in all the predictable partisan hackery, desperately contorting himself to manufacture some standard that condemned Bill Clinton yet exonerated the Candycorn Skidmark, even as journalists unearthed his past writings insisting Obama deserved to be impeached for using the correct forks at a multi-course meal, because such snobbish savvy is clearly unconstitutional. Anyway, the dude also wanted us to know that his dog is mad, and if I were a blithering jackass’ dog, I’d probably be mad, too. Shit on the carpet, Jonathan Turley’s Dog, America has your back.
In the midst of the hearing, Stanford professor Pamela Karlan stood up, chanted a satanic prayer, and drove a dagger into the chest of a voodoo doll in the shape of Barron Trump, or least that’s what I’m hearing from the right wing jagoffosphere. I suppose I should check out the actual footage, to see what Karlan actually said…
…wait, what? That’s it? Really? Y’all are wailing and moaning and storming the fucking castle over THAT? What, and I’m really asking here, is this pathetic addiction to victimhood consuming the conservative movement these days? You’re like needy children, begging for attention, bawling your eyes out over a lightly-scraped knee. Y’know, setting aside the corruption, the treason, and the plutocracy, I can’t imagine voting for such whiny-ass wusses.
And yes, with a detained migrant teen dying from neglect while in detention, and your utter silence on the tragedies inflicted on thousands of other innocent kids separated from their families and locked up in cages by your racist, hate-fueled regime, I’m gonna go ahead on call bullshit on your disingenuous WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN screeching.
Getting back to the hearings before I puke all over my shoes…Louie Gohmert, the man who is the reason there are warning labels about using toasters in the bathtub, briefly mocked the idea of obtaining a higher education at an elite institution, before spending the rest of the day trapped in a revolving door.
Louie’s malignant colleague, Duncan Hunter, got his felonious wrist slapped by the House Ethics Committee, for continuing to vote after pleading guilty to his many crimes. Maybe Duncan can form himself a little You’re Paying Us to Sit in the Back Row and Tell Each Other Racist Jokes Caucus with Steve King. UPDATE: no cruddy study buddy for Steve-O, Duncan is resigning to spend more time with his prison cell.
Matt Gaetz, jealously eyeing Gohmert’s “Dumbest Man in Congress” title, suggested maybe the committee was impeaching the wrong president, before leaving on a Da Vinci Code-esque quest to uncover the real truth about Millard Fillmore, all the shit the deep state fake news liberal media has been hiding from you sheeple. Maybe he can set up a YouTube channel and livestream his own slow death when he locks himself in an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room.
The Shitmaggot Administration announced new cuts to food stamps, kicking as many as 700,000 Americans off the program, because, and I’m not sure how this is still unclear to so many, REPUBLICANS HATE PEOPLE AND ONLY WANT THEM TO SUFFER.
Just announced from Marvel Studios: SUPER-VILLAIN TEAM-UP, starring George Zimmerman and Larry Klayman! Yes, the two worst human beings who’ve somehow not yet held jobs in the Trump administration are getting together to sue Trayvon Martin’s family, on the novel legal theory that you should not only be allowed to murder black children whenever you feel like it, but that the victim’s relatives should finance a life of luxury for you afterwards. If we ever get around to building that giant catapult, to launch Donald Trump in the sun, I have an idea for some test subjects.
So, Nancy Pelosi officially announced the House will indeed be impeaching the motherfucker, prompting a disgraced pervert hack, previously deemed too gross even for Fux Nooz, currently “reporting” for Sinclair, to suggest she was doing so just cuz she hates Hairplug Himmler personally, probably because she never gets invited to any of the cool parties where Jared Kushner auctions off highly-classified state secrets to the highest bidder. Nancy told the little creep precisely where he could stick that idea, and went back to work, passin’ historic legislation, because that is simply how she rolls.
Meanwhile Rudy Giuliani continues his Wine, Corruption, & You Wouldn’t Happen to Have Any Incest, Wouldja? tour of Ukraine, palling around with the skeeviest crooks in Eastern Europe, probably trying to forge anti-Biden evidence out of Play-Doh and Marmite. With Republicans already testing the feeble defense that it doesn’t count as a crime if you don’t get away with it, maybe Rudy-Roo’s plan is to insist you can’t impeach ’em if they never stop breaking the law? “You must gather all the evidence and you can’t possibly have it because I’ve got more crimez lined up for Thursday at 2:30 here check my day planner.”
Oh, and it turns out Donnie and Rudes have been conducting their blundering, Going-In-Style-only-treasonous international extortion scheme…using unsecured personal cellphones! I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, the knock here is that Russia was probably listening in? So? Kid Kompromat already just passes that info along to Vlad willingly, along with the fruits of our entire intelligence-gathering apparatus, in his weekly report.
I’m still waiting to hear some outrage from Information Security Aficionado Trey Gowdy, unless he’s still trying to join the team DEFENDING these disloyal fuckwads in their efforts to hide their communications from the American people, and even Sharty McFly’s own staff. Gosh, you don’t think Gowdy Doody’s long public crusade against Hillary Clinton over her e-mail server was motivated by blind partisanship, do you?
Alleged Rational, Moderate, Republican Nikki Haley is mad as heck at Dylann Roof, because of the nine human beings he murdered in an act of white supremacist terror, JUST KIDDING she’s upset that he besmirched the honor of the Confederate Flag, which certainly never had anything to do with racism or hate before he came along and ruined it for everybody. Look, libtards, the Confederacy seceded because the mean ol’ North wanted to keep all the puppies and flowers and sugary breakfast cereals for themselves, that’s just science, Dinesh D’Souza told me so.
A Saudi national carried out a mass shooting on a Naval base in Pensacola, Florida, killing three, and the Offal in the Oval immediately turned his Twitter platform over to the Saudi government to spread their preferred messaging, and if you’re wondering why the President of the United States is quicker to leap at MBS’ whims than the American people’s needs, well, maybe we’ll get to see those tax returns some day.
The House passed a much-needed restoration of the Voting Rights Act, with just one teeny-tiny Republican vote, because Democracy is a partisan issue now, in Donald Trump’s fascism-curious Amerikkka, how fun. Look, if people are allowed to vote, then you’ve gotta start listening to them and doing the things they want, and when you’re a white supremacist hate cult that’s primarily in the business of cutting rich people’s taxes, popular input is an obstacle, and so here we are. Y’all are registered to vote next year, right?
After weeks of whining about not being allowed to participate in the impeachment process, the Shart House issued a petulant, crayon-scrawled, little note proclaiming that they are refusing to participate in the impeachment process, and, ignoring the shameless hypocrisy, honestly, it’s the best tactical decision they’ve made in months. I mean, they’re guilty as fuck and twice as stupid; the last time they tried defending themselves, Mick Mulvaney confessed to everything live on camera, and the time before that they signed off on an official document that inarguably proves the Manchurian Manchild’s guilt, so maybe just taping the boss’ mouth shut and trusting in the Senate GOP’s spinelessness is the right move here.
I guess now we have to talk about the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s turds, which are apparently such monstrous wads of under-chewed fast food as to thwart White House plumbing. Obviously, the real trouble here is that Donnie Dotard can’t operate the handle with his stunted, ineffectual, phalanges, but apparently he’s tasking the entire dang EPA with finding a solution. Anyway, it must be cool, being a Republican Senator, watching this dolt ramble like an over-medicated toddler about his unflushable poo logs, knowing you’ve lashed your reputation to his forever.
Fuck it, I’m done. I’m smashing my phone with a sledgehammer and leaving for the weekend. Like the engine of the Starship Enterprise, I cannae take anymore. Stay safe out there, Resisters.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ali on McDonnell rt now talking about this and calling it “chilling”:” “you’ll take your police brutality and institutional white supremacy, and you’ll like it!”
I think the most extreme of emotions r in order: calling them PT blank liars (as did Biden call fatso in Iowa); laughing them straight out the door; screaming real loud at rallies; stuffing them back into Pandora’s box as the lid chops their fingers off.
. Hell:cancelling the Xmas rallies in NC due to White Supremacist floats. Fuck Xmas. Fuck these fake Christians. And Fuck Mark Meadows. Big Blue Asheville’s now been ungerrymandered.
Dear Cap, you are on FIRE tonight!!! Have a great weekend!!!! Rest up for the REST of the STORY!!!!! We’re counting on you to help us make sense of this topsy-turvy world ! Or at least laugh at it in the most cynical manner.
Whoa Boy Howdy, this is truly a shit-show. This guy is the one who should be flushed down the toilet in ten flushes. The country falls apart and the EPA has rolled back so many rules that even the shit wants to run away. And the -1 is only interested in toilets. Sounds about right. There are some important dates that all of us should be involved with if we want to show this guy and his toadies the door. ONE is on the eve of the impeachment hearing and TWO is the Women’s March on Jan. 18th.
We gotta make these irredeemable nitwits shake in their boots and shoes. We gotta say get the turds out of the WH! No matter how many times you have to flush! Hopefully we can shout the truth and start asking for the reality. There are kids in CONCENTRATION CAMPS. That have most probably been raised in a faith. And they are there during the most important time in the year. They should be with their families. Celebrating the birth of Jesus. But they are on a cold floor and getting cold mash for their food and the young and the youngest are preyed upon by men with thick necks and no scruples “cuz this is not their job”.
Not to mention, many of their mother’s and father’s are in the buildings on the other side of the one’s they are in or they have been shipped back by plane to face the horrible conditions in their countries that we have helped to happen…..
Whoa I went off on a tangent there…..oh ya one more from the shower cap chronicler-now the heartless fucks are taking away food from the poorest and those that need help because they might work but it is in pennies and they need help. And when are they doing it!!!RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!
Whoa, there truly is a lot in your chronicle Shower Cap. I hate this country right now and mostly hate myself for letting all this shit get to the point where there is such a divide between people that we watch as they breakdown our country before our very eyes as well as reality and the truth. Just say it isn’t so and re-write the new rules on the barn wall. And pretty soon they all become the norm and the animals forget what was written is not the truth. And when the pigs said we are living in the house and sleeping in the beds well they had to because “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS.
I just read “Animal Farm” and it is amazing to see it happening in our country. Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff were amazing at dealing with the false reality we are constantly witnessing. I want them to stay really fucking mad all the way through this Impeachment. And all the fake democrats need to get out of the way or go away-the creeps.
Donald Trump and his fucking followers are the pigs that could no longer be distinguished from the men around the table. No disrespect to pigs. It is in the book. I’m reading “1984” next.
Thank you once more Cap for a truly eye opening piece and for the laughs. I hope we can get this right for all of us. These people are evil and slimy crooks and someday they will pay for it. And we need to get out on the streets-it is the people’s court in many ways, not just a teevee show.
Having the EPA deal with the toilets is right up there with raking the forests to prevent fires. ?
Next, read ‘It Can’t Happen Here’ and, by all means, find b&w classic ‘A Face in the Crowd’ on Netflix, or wherever. Like Orwell’s gems, these, too, are horrifying, but give you a crystal clear vision of how we got to this parallel universe. Those who don’t learn from history, and all that…
OMG this guy is so funny, That last paragraph (technically 2d to last) has me in tears, especially after I went to the site to see the story. Re-reading Cap’s take after that is so joyful and hilarious I almost forget for a moment about the horrible nightmare that is Trump. Unfortunately though not a nightmare but reality.
Plus – Ambercrombie & Fitch dressing room! The worst place in the world, and a typical spectacular Shower Cap reference. I’ve been in one, literally shouting at my daughter who was trying on clothes, in order to communicate over the 98 decibel sound system, a deliberate attempt by A & F to torture adults because they think kids spend more money when they shop without their parents.
Shower Cap I had to come back with an update from my riffing on the butthole mash up from a earlier Shower Cap chronicle. “Singe the stinker” was my line. Just saw this on Stephen Colbert show that Josh Brolin got the singe on his butthole and is not happy about it and has many choice words for whoever thought of this ridiculous new age fry it in the sun and feel better thing. Ha, ha, ha, ha…………………….priceless!
No, if you have a proper fridge, there is no spoiled Thunksgiving Dinner spoilage.
And yes, you should expect delusions from the delusional.
What I am astonished at is, you’re still shocked as to how low the (imagine the most obscene profanity, elevate times twelve) children of not unly unmarried, but totally unacquainted children of strangers, who never even met, display a lack of honor, candor or well, humanity, let alone human decency.
Even more amazing is, despite hyperthyroid rages, due to unemployment, zero medical coverage, zero ability to pay a physician to play connect the hormone levels with medication, today my blood pressure was 190/110 and then, I was only sadly and mildly disappointed.
Give it a few weeks, I’ll be green, a few meters tall, crushing rock carrying trucks for quarries and mines, for I am the Phenomenal Bulk.
Barr continues to exercise his below desk kneepads, to keep his job.
Trump goes off and whines, Europeans offer cheese to go with his whine, he retreated quickly to a US golf course, at taxpayer expense, which, of course, he owns.
Milk while he’s got it, once gone, either losing or impeached, he’ll declare bankruptcy and expect to keep ill gained, unlawfully acquired taxpayer money. A given, he’d get an agreement, fleeced us, got away, no harm, no foul, rinse and repeat for the next opportunist to drain the public purse and increase the national debt until a flake of flour is worth a month’s pay.
Here’s a question that neither my wife or I managed to scrounge from the news.
While at the NATO conference, why was Tronnie Dump and his campaign staff gathering campaign contributions? Two frigging weekdays, nobody seems to have noticed that violation of federal law!
Oh, I forgot, “Oh, a shiny, let’s ignore everything else as we chase the shiny over the damned cliff”.
Usually, I’d use Twitter, with a link, but alas, when a Twitter advertiser flooded me with all manner of malware installation attempts, I responded to that account threatening to DNS blackhole them and Twitter protected their income and malvertisement income by blocking me. Come Monday, at midnight, Twitter will be DNS blackholed, per DHS CERT suggestion, as I provided my logs.
And I’m suspended for telling everyone that I’m DNS blackholing a malvertiser, via Twitter, as that is abuse.
Malvertisement is rather like watering hole attacks, the latter being specifically targeted at a specific community, general malvertisement is malware delivered via nefarious means in an advertisement. Had 27 attempts to install malware, alas, their script was lacking, as this isn’t Windows or Mac.
Malvertisement meaning, an advertisement that is pretending to advertise or tainted externally, attempting to install malware, be it spyware, a virus, a worm, assorted remote control programs or worse.
There are several standouts defending two scoop Donnie, but my favorite is Doug Collins. He has made himself a.joke all for the pay off as being appointed by the crook of Georgia Kemp as Senator. Donnie arranged it, right. But Kemp is the croook of the Southern Country, Georgia and he did not play ball and deliver the goods. Now Collins has made his limited intellect, black rim glasses and slicked down hair a joke for nothing..karma is a sweet girl. Watching Gaetz, Collins and Jordan is like watching the three stooges, only stupid stooges.
Especially excellent, even by your fine standard! Alchemy of turning Hell into humor with brilliant writing. Thank you.
Matt Gaetz is not the only person eyeing the title of Dumbest Congressman. There is so much competition, Jim Jordan, Doug Collins, Elise Stefanik are my leading contenders.
Let us not forget the old-timer, Sensenbrenner either.
All week long, we get the news and wrangle with how bizarre it all is! Then, I come here and get to see that it really IS THAT BIZARRE!
Thank you for putting things in perspective!
Su