Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Et Tu, Brady?
Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is off the dang charts, and in a sane society, that reaction would be nigh universal, but regrettably, I dwell within the all-the-Delta-variant-can-eat buffet that’s made Tucker Carlson the most-watched man on cable: the United States of America.
Texas Senate Republicans figured they’d finally wailed and whimpered about the alleged evils of “critical race theory” long enough to justify a thorough bleaching of the history textbooks, removing mandates to teach stuff like women’s suffrage and Martin Luther King Jr, and also bits that refer to slavery and the KKK as “morally wrong,” in case this was too subtle for anybody.
Longtime liberals will recognize this as the Voter Fraud Maneuver, wherein Republicans throw unceasing shitfits about a problem which stubbornly refuses to actually exist, and then, in the name of “solving” it, enshrine white supremacy ever further in the law. And yes, this is the same state legislature working even now to pass a massive, Thanks Ever So Much For Establishing the Precise Parameters of Plausible Deniability, Chief Justice Roberts minority disenfranchisement law. All this legislation was drafted using George Orwell’s vomit for ink, by the way.
As expected, Kevin McCarthy tried to fill the January 6th commission with poo-flinging howler monkeys, only Nancy Pelosi said “yeah, we’re not doin’ that, hoss,” and so Kev threw a little tantrum, yanked his entire trollwad from the commission altogether, and sprinted out to bitch n’ moan about “partisanship” for the cameras, as the dutiful drones in the both-sides-drunk media Cillizzasphere did that stenography that they do so well. Well, not “well,” but certainly “reliably.”
Y’know, here in the fever swamps of 2021, perhaps bipartisanship genuinely does mean that any bipartisan investigation of this act of terrorism must include those who excuse, enable, and even support the insurrectionist mob, but wouldn’t it therefore follow that one of the parties in question has been TAKING OVER BY FUCKING TERRORISTS? And in that scenario, where, precisely, is the virtue in “bipartisanship?” Walk me through it. Use small words.
Now Keville Chamberlain says his gaggle of fifth columnists will conduct their own investigation, perhaps into that time Pelosi called Hillary Clinton up, seeking advice on how best to give the National Guard a stand down order, who knows, I’m just asking questions here. By “investigation” they mean, “televised event where Gym Jordan shrieks about antifa to generate clips for Fox News’ white supremacist opinion hosts,” of course. Kinda like how a police officer is a “bobby” in England, y’know?
Anyway, we surely do need to figure out how we found our way to January 6th, 2021 in the first place, and how to avoid unwanted return trips, cuz it turns out that human shower drain clog actually got within 100 feet of Vice President Pants’ backup nuclear football, and people who can be prodded to violence by the lies of an obviously insane bedding merchant simply should not enjoy that kind of access.
Tom Barrack got arrested for operating illegally as an unregistered agent of a foreign power, and at some point, the nation’s evangelical “Christians” will explain to the rest of us why the object of their adulation surrounds himself exclusively with felons and traitors. Surely. Any day now. Two weeks. (Maybe we should also ask ‘em to clarify just how these “populists” manage to scrounge up $250 million in bail money on a moment’s notice.)
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless quarterback! Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s failed, cringe-a-minute, lifelong quest to score an invite to the cool kids’ table suffered yet another devastating taint punt this week, as his long-courted man-crush, Tom Brady, not only finally accepted a White House invitation, (now that the overcooked steak fart smell has finally begun to fade) but joined Smilin’ Joe Biden in a double-team worthy of Hawk and Animal. Tee hee.
Rand Paul is the very best in the world at what he does, and what he does is lose fights to Dr. Anthony Fauci, on television, in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. For the record, Rand’s theatrically indignant spewing of bullshit conspiracy theories is precisely the sort of thing Pelosi is so correct to keep off the January 6th commission.
Aspiring concentration camp commandant Madison Cawthorn vowed to prosecute Fauci should his gang of fashy mediocrities retake the House next year, to “make sure that consequences are doled out” for valuing the American public’s health over the lies of an erroneously promoted game show host. “On what charges?” one may ask, as though the Lock Her Up crowd would concern themselves with such trivialities upon regaining power.
The Senate’s most punchable fake doctor and Kid Hitler Vacay aside, it would appear some in the GOP finally noticed their beloved Culture War got stuck on the “mass suicide” setting, prompting an organized, top-down effort to finally encourage their death cult base to take some of the simple steps necessary to get the goddamn pandemic under control, something the first 600,000 or so American corpses failed to inspire. Because until lately, the graveyards swelled in a largely bipartisan manner, you see.
Ron DeSantis even interrupted his ongoing victory lap (likely because he kept tripping over hospitalized constituents, seeing as how the state he governs leads the country in Covid cases, accounting for as many as one in five new infections nationwide) to suggest that vaccine avoidance is not, in fact, the lib-owning panacea it once appeared to be.
Mike Parson’s Missouri and Greg Abbott’s Texas have the honor of hosting similarly senseless outbreaks, because the official public health policy of the Republican Party has been, for a year and a half now, to actively facilitate the coronavirus’ spread through the populace. Lost in the raw madness of that is the simple fact that we HAVE A FUCKING SOLUTION for this problem and that it works really fucking well, meaning nearly every one of these new deaths is completely preventable.
While we should neither forget nor forgive all the months of murderous lies, I certainly wish Republicans luck in their reverse brainwashing efforts. They’ll need it. I mean, look at this guy. Really fucking LOOK at him. A tube for every orifice, still howling about his precious freedumb. You broke these fucking people. You set out to break them and now that they’re broken, you can’t figure out how to get them to process reality well enough to even preserve their own fucking lives. Nice work.
Well, at least Marjorie Taylor Greene still finds all this suffering and death humorous. The very week Covid kills a 5-year-old child in her district, the ghoul can’t help but giggle while continuing to spread the vile disinformation that’s already claimed so many lives. But it’s Liz Cheney who isn’t welcome in your party’s tent? Got it.
Hey, remember back during the Kavanaughty confirmation hearings, when the FBI rushed through their investigation of young Brettward’s raft of sexual misconduct allegations in record time, seemingly between the nominee’s heaving proclamations of affection for alcoholic beverages? Well, turns out the secret behind their stunning proficiency was Not Actually Investigating Shit. No big deal, not like we were vetting somebody for a lifetime appointment to a position of awesome political power or anything.
I see the would-be theocrats who’ve driven Mississippi into the bottom five of Everything But Meth Labs have decided the time is ripe to steal some rights from all those uppity broads who imagine they live in a modern society; state Attorney General Lynn Fitch officially took the plunge and asked the 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Makes sense. When you land Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the flop, then the turn brings Anti Choicey Barrett, you push your chips into the pot. Buckle up.
Nothin’ conjures regressive meltdowns quite like the formal replacement of a racially insensitive sports team mascot, and I’m certainly looking forward to all the forthcoming rants in the Who’s the Racistest of Them All pageant that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary. (The swimsuit competition has been abandoned this year, in favor of a procession of hooded robe ensembles.)
You probably heard already, but the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, is now LIVE, and running through August 19th. For everybody who’s already backed the project, I thank you from the bottom of my drunken, angry heart; the folks who’ve followed this blog these last four years are the entire reason I’ve finally got the confidence to pursue this lifelong dream. No way I can pay y’all back for that, but I’ve tried to make a story you’ll enjoy. I certainly wrote it with you in mind.
So learn more about it here, and if you are sufficiently impressed (and who wouldn’t be, by the awesome work of our art team: Kasey Quevedo, Laurel Dundee, and Toben Racicot?) give a thought to backing our campaign. Special rewards tiers just for Shower Cap fans, by the way.
PS, if anybody out there was thinking, “Hey, maybe I should come at Joe Biden,” don’t. Just don’t.