Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Oh, Y’know, Just a Death Cult Doin’ Death Cult Stuff
Well friends, things’re more or less exactly the same as when last we met, which is to say, grease-fire-in-the-bath-salts-factory-behind-the-clown-college-level insane. So grab a raincoat and some galoshes, let’s wade through this sewage together, wheeeeeeee!
As a lifelong consumer of genre fiction, I really should be able to process this shit. I’m willing to accept pretty much any given circumstances you drop in my lap. The Coyote paints a tunnel on the wall, the Roadrunner can go through the tunnel, but the Coyote runs face first into unforgiving stone? Makes perfect sense. Gerald Ford gets kidnapped and sent to work in the malaise mines of an alien world ruled by vampiric cantaloupes? Got it. I’m in. Let’s go.
I’m an old pro at suspending disbelief, is what I’m saying. But the objective, real-life status quo in the United States of America right now…I’m sorry, I simply do not buy it. We finally find a vaccine for the lethal virus that upended every life on the planet for more than a year, but millions of people won’t take the fucking thing because they’ve invested their entire cultural identity in refusing to eat their peas, even when said peas are the only thing standing between them and a painful, lonely death? It’s just not believable.
How do people become this crazy? We could probably gain some insight by investigating the dipshit hydra they look to for leadership. Won’t be pleasant, but let’s do it anyway.
So, at CPAC last weekend, Kristi Noem, whose extremely thirsty play for Trump Cult high priesthood will hopefully remain as comically futile as it is presently, tried to score points on current MAGA golden boy Ron DeSantis, by boasting to the crowd that her coronavirus butcher’s bill was among the longest in the land; since rather than listening to science and taking simple steps to protect her constituents’ lives, she turned South Dakota into the pandemic’s personal playpen.
The same maniac tent revival saw Lauren Boebert stumble around like a zombie that just ate an entire meth den, desperate to frame the life-saving miracle of science that is the coronavirus vaccine as some sort of unwelcome government handout. And somehow, with 600,000 bodies already in the ground, there are still people taking medical advice from this shrieking dolt, while flinging themselves into Pavlovian rage fits at the mere mention of the name “Fauci.”
Further straining the real world’s credibility, DeSantis is actually selling anti-Fauci MERCH, smack dab in the middle of his state’s latest deadly covid surge. The 2024 Republican presidential contenders will not be out-mass-slaughtered, it would seem.
Over at Newsmax, they’ve got hosts openly musing that maybe the whole idea of vaccination is an unnatural abomination against God, which I guess is the sort of thing you have to expect when your business model relies on out-pandering the competition in search of dominance over the lucrative suicidal zealot demographic.
In Tennessee, Republicans successfully ousted the state’s top vaccination official, putting an end to her diabolical reign of Sound Medical Advice, and, emboldened by their neanderthal triumph over the forces of reason, shut down ALL adolescent vaccine outreach, because…fuck, I don’t know, because they’re all in Big Mortician’s pocket? You may observe that it makes no fucking sense to pursue policies that will do nothing but increase disease and death, but this is a legitimately hip trend in conservative politics these days.
Anyway, for any Tennessee parents who may be reading, don’t forget to inject polio directly into your kids’ eyeball before the fall term starts; it’s mandatory for in-person learning now.
What I truly cannot wrap my weary mind around is, like, we know that nearly everybody who’s getting sick and dying right now is unvaccinated, and we also know that the unvaccinated population is rather disproportionately comprised of members of this particular…shall we say, “subculture.”
And I’ve even internalized that it’s so important to y’all to “own the libs” that you’ll accept a pretty damn significant amount of harm to yourself as the price, but the whole point of being vaccinated is that we’re no longer prisoner to your tantrums. We can go places now. It’s fucking great. Ownage is no longer possible, kids. There’s still a smattering of tragically innocent victims, of course, and fuck you for each and every one of them, but it’s pretty much just y’all getting killed now. The practical effect of all this disinformation has been to feed your audience directly into the queue with the captive bolt pistol at the end.
I just think it’s weird they haven’t figured this out yet. I guess by the time a loyal Tucker Carlson watcher finds his way to the ventilator, he’s too preoccupied to write a sternly-worded complaint to Fox management.
Incidentally, the trailer for the next M. Night Shyamalan movie is just a woman in an elevator that gets stuck, slowly realizing she’s trapped in there with Gary Busey in a Don’t Fauci My Florida t-shirt.
Bumbling Senate Republicans keep right on fiddling with the forces that brought a bloodthirsty horde of hate to their very doorstep, for they are unteachable and blinded by greed.
You see Lindsey Graham’s flaccid pledge to defend Homophobe Chicken Incorporated’s honor, to the death if necessary, and you wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him, demanding, “Do you want lynch mobs? Because this is how you get lynch mobs.”
Ted Cruz put that Ivy League education to use on a cheap, mega-racist switcheroo act, blaming Texas’ coronavirus surge not on the anti-vaxx propagandists who actually caused it, but on, you guessed it: illegal immigrants. Create problems with your own incompetence, blame ‘em on an otherized, indeed dehumanized minority group; you’ve mastered the Nazi playbook, Ted, congratulations. You’re like Luke Skywalker, only with a shitty beard and also evil.
Disgraced South Dakota Attorney General Jason Ravnsborg made a huge bet that there’s absolutely zero chance that karma is real, accusing the very deer, excuse me, the very human being he killed in a hit and run of Suicidally Leaping in Front of His Vehicle, Actually…I dunno, I’ve never faced criminal charges, is there some specific level of brazen indecency that triggers automatic dismissal?
You know that skeevy fuck won’t even resign? Ravnsborg, Gaetz, Taylor Greene, Gosar, Hawley…all Republicans in good standing, but Jason Roe, the Michigan party official who refused to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids and his Big Honkin’ Lie, submitted to ritual excommunication, because honesty is heresy, you see.
Indicted Uber-Lackey Allen Weisselberg has resigned from his many posts within the Turdmaggot Organization, to spend more time with his delusions that his old boss will prove loyal. Don Jr. has allegedly taken over many of Weisselberg’s roles, which’ll be fine, he probably didn’t have any duties that couldn’t be carried out while snorting a trowelful of cocaine hourly.
You know you live in a sane, healthy democracy when you see “Reichstag” trending, and wonder somewhat irritably to yourself, “what, again?” Anyway, it turned out to be in reference to this story about the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs kinda sorta working out a plan to oppose an anticipated coup by the defeated incumbent, oh boy I bet that one’s not in the manual, huh, General Milley? I’m not sure how much I love feeling immense gratitude towards the perhaps too powerful men who cleared the relatively low ethical bar of “refused to facilitate the attempted overthrow of the United States Government by a known idiot,” but I also never anticipated liking so many of Bill Kristol’s tweets.
I’ll admit Ashli Babbitt’s MAGA martyr makeover has been a fascinating bit of world-building; watching the narrative take shape under the malevolently dexterous hands of this docile flock’s many sinister shepherds would be super fun on HBOMAX; here in real life, it’s a little bit more, oh, what’s the word…terrifying?
For example, it was recently decided, with Cult45’s customary complete lack of evidence of any sort, that the officer who shot Babbitt, whose name is being kept secret for obvious reasons coughcoughstochasticterrorism, is a Black man, o what a strange coincidence for this target of a white supremacist rage mob’s homicidal wrath. We’re just cut-and-pasting from the MAGA Scout’s Lynching Handbook at this point, aren’t we?
ANYWAY, Hairplug Himmler added his own nasty spin, fabricating a claim that the officer was, in fact, “head of security” for some nameless Democrat, and what a vicious little ad-lib that is. If you’ll pardon the improv term, that’s some restaurant quality Yes And. “Yeah, some Black guy who worked for….I dunno, maybe Pelosi, maybe Durbin, say, maybe YOUR Congressman…y’know what, you should pay that guy a little visit…”
He truly possesses a dark genius for inciting violent hate. Failed at everything he ever tried, from real estate to pants, but he turned out to have genuine talent in the field of Being American Hitler; shitty bit of luck that such a pitch-black soul landed in a billionaire’s kid, don’tcha think?
With his “some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage” statement, the Velveeta Vulgarian wandered perilously close to self-awareness, for perhaps the first time in his misspent life. You’d think somebody who spends so much time with the likes of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Seb Gorka would’ve stumbled across the phrase quite a while back.
The tag certainly fits Matt Gaetz, who apparently hired Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to help him out with the sex-trafficking allegations he faces, and boy howdy, this is a rough sentence to discover your name in the middle of, huh, Matthew? How’s life in the last act of GoodFellas, kid?
In contrast to this buffet overflowing with malice, madness, and poop, Democrats celebrated the arrival, in mailboxes across the nation, of their new Child Tax Credit, because we’re the ones that help people instead of giving them diseases. Not that such a joyous occasion stopped Dems from working on their $3.5 trillion reconciliation bill, set to become one of the most consequential pieces of legislation in American history.
So the choice facing the electorate is between the crazed cultists demanding the right to die and kill, and the folks handing out money and vaccines. One must grudgingly confess one understands why voter suppression has become so important to these people.
Ok, that’s enough for one week. I gotta pitch the comic book one more time, cuz the Kickstarter launches THIS COMING TUESDAY. Marguerite vs. the Occupation is a nifty little tale of the French Resistance, I think you’ll really enjoy it. Read more about it here, and I’d be honored n’ thankful if you’d sign up on our prelaunch page.
For longtime fans of the blog, I’m offering a reward tier where YOU pick the entries in an all-new, post-Turd Reich ROGUE’S GALLERY on showercapblog.com! Check out the Bannon, Miller, & Gorka links above for examples. You want to see treacherous Congressdopes like Kevin McCarthy? Mendacious media monsters like Sean Hannity? Or regional culture warlords like DeSantis and Noem? You decide! Each entry will contain a graphic and essay in the Shower Cap house style! Tell Mom to buy ya ten!