Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Everybody Enjoying This Sad, Silly Coup? Living in History Sure is Dumb.
What if they threw a coup, and only the densest, skeeviest, mouthbreathingest clown school dropouts showed up? I swear, the textbooks of the future are going to switch without warning to comic sans when they reach this stupid, stupid period in American history.
Before we begin, a toast to the latest macabre milestone: our coronavirus death mound now measures a quarter of a million corpses high. “American exceptionalism” certainly carries a darker meaning in these waning days of 2020, as asymptomatic transmission and the wingnut disinformation bubble continue working their murderous magic, Laura Ingraham skipping merrily along, hand-in-hand with the Grim Reaper, in a plague-friendly perversion of the buddy system.
Rudy Giuliani, raw sewage leaking from seemingly every pore and orifice, called yet another press conference, as if to defiantly proclaim that yes, for a loser of less renown, the debacle at Four Seasons Total Landscaping would have been rock bottom, but I’m Amerikkka’s Mayor, dammit, and I’ve still got so much further to fall, Dante’s gonna learn a thing or two before I finally splatter.
Alongside Jenna Ellis and Sidney Powell because I guess Alex Jones and the Hamburglar were busy, Incesto the Clown bellowed and babbled the craziest fucking shit you will ever fucking hear; by the end of it, I honestly think he was speaking in tongues; you get enough cheap meth in these maniacs, everything comes out HUGO CHAVEZ AND GEORGE SOROS DID IT, y’know?
That’s just how things are now, during the Fuckwit Revolution, as the least intelligent people alive attempt to overthrow the U.S. government by punching themselves in the crotch over and over again.
It’s the weirdest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. It’s a bit like watching a video of some roly-poly baby bear struggling to open a jar, (sans the cuteness of course) and you’re all, “Wook at him! Him cannot get it open cuz him not haz thumbs,” but also there’s a small nuclear device inside the jar, so maybe we should take it away before the bear gets lucky?
Because we suddenly find ourselves at the point where the defeated incumbent President of the United States is saying, rather loudly, “The election didn’t go the way I wanted, I should now very much like to end democracy in America,” and the institutional GOP is all, “Donald just needs to damage to our institutions a little while longer, can’t you see he’s upset? Let him have this!”
Look, Martin Scorsese earned the right to inflict the last 35 minutes of The Irishman on us, but only after delivering decades of quality cinema; all you fucks’ve done is turn the motherfucking coronavirus loose on us like we’re a goddamn all you can eat buffet. Tell him he has to stop coup-ing or there won’t be any ice cream. Jesus.
The Dipshit Coup itself is, dear lord, SO much dumber than I expected, and my expectations were…I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about a Yosemite-and-Thailand-mispronouncin‘ clod, regularly thwarted by umbrellas and neckties. Just today, he retweeted a fake account, claiming to be his sister, because all you have to do to trick the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES into thinking you’re literally a member of his family is to make a Twitter account in their name; can you even IMAGINE how much Putin has been milking this fool?
My point is, even at THAT level of expectation, this shit is stupid beyond my wildest imaginings, like, What If the Pulp Fiction Suitcase Contained Stupidity, whether it’s alleging fraud in Michigan using data from Minnesota, or Rudy stopping just short of screaming “SIRI HOW DO YOU LAWYER?” in Williamsport. It shouldn’t be possible to fail this badly in public without combusting from shame.
Yes, it’s almost incomprehensibly dumb, but it is also dangerous, because this idiot death cult is growing discouragingly comfortable with political violence, as evidenced by the truly dispiriting outpouring of financial support for the child terrorist Kyle Rittenhouse, who posted $2 million bail today, and now walks free.
Speaking of shitty white boy terrorism, this week we learned some deeply fucked-up new details about the plans of that one white trash cell up in Michigan, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise us to learn rank-and-file Cult45ers are bombarding election officials with death threats; they’re just doin’ their humble part to bring a white nationalist dictatorship to America, by gum. I’m told we need to reach out to these people. I disagree.
The only signs the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor acknowledges his enormous, humiliating, landslide defeat on any level manifest in odd leaks about planned pettiness designed to make life harder for the incoming Biden Administration (and, by extension, the American people, some 70 million of whom apparently can’t wait to gobble up one last plateful of Tangerine Idi Amin’s shit) by recklessly “lighting fires” all over the world for no purpose greater than raw spite.
I really don’t have the heart to tell Wee Don that Joe is unlikely to take his seat behind the Resolute desk before a staffer removes the thumbtack he’s so childishly plotting to leave in place of the traditional gracious letter. They gotta steam-clean the joint, bro; between the lingering stench of experimental hair tonic and the inch-thick film of pure coronavirus adorning every surface, they’ll be running the country out of a Starbucks for the first few days.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag is getting in on the Torch the Oilfields in Retreat action, shutting down key emergency loan programs just as the fall surge begins to take its toll. This episode serves as a fun reminder that Mitch McConnell views his job, under a Democratic president, as “inflicting maximum harm until voters return the GOP to power,” and for no particular reason here’s a link for anybody who wants to help get Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff elected.
Speaking of Georgia, I see David Perdue got caught using his office for personal profit again, and I’m almost overwhelmed with whimsy, recalling the days when such serial corruption would have ended his political career. Of course, the contract between Republican officials and their voters is different now: you can rob ‘em blind so long as you trigger th’libs, and we all know Dave isn’t shy about deploying his dog whistle.
Willard Romney was widely praised for demonstrating Republican Bravery, which is sort of like regular bravery, only it comes weeks after the point it would have done any good. Whatever.
You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn Emily W. Murphy remains blissfully unconcerned about the damage she is single-handedly inflicting on the country by holding up the transition of power, which essentially amounts to humming Hakuna Matata at the funerals of the inevitable victims of her coronavirus response sabotage.
I see Rudy’s shitbrained kid caught himself a lil’ touch of the ‘rona. So did Rick Scott. This keeps happening, so I’m out of jokes on the subject, but of course the joke’s really on us, in that our country’s governing party is defined by a cultish refusal to ever learn anything about anything. Ha ha…hoo. Fuck.
…I honestly thought things would be at least marginally less cray-cray by this point. In hindsight, given the data, that was pretty foolish of me, but I take comfort in knowing that even after such an obvious mistake, I’m a goddamn genius next to the President’s legal team. Stay safe out there, my friends…