Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
All This Creeping Normalcy, It’s Like We’re Still in Hell, But There’s Cake Now
While it’s certainly better than Hell, I confess I have yet to find my footing in our current Limbo. Like, we finally shut the malfunctioning thrill ride down after four long years, and it’s certainly nice not to be flung through the air at a hundred miles per hour every minute of every day, but the restraint bar is still in place, and frankly, I need to pee.
We’re in for an incomprehensible Thanksgiving, as a political movement gone mad charges naked into battle with inescapable reality. We rational, responsible types can only watch from isolation as these feverishly insane people spread their death in the name of Whatever Tucker Carlson Told Them to Be Mad About This Week.
I’ve lost track of precisely which Shart House coronavirus outbreak swept Ben Carson off to the hospital, but thanks to cutting edge medical treatments available to him as a leading capo in the Trump Family Crime Syndicate, he pulled through. Of course, this level of care is hardly accessible to you serfs or your filthy taker families, though you are certainly welcome to form orderly lines outside your communities’ overflowing hospitals.
In fact, here’s a helpful Shower Cap Holiday Hack for ya: save time this Thanksgiving by heading directly from the food bank queue to the hospital queue! Getcherself a little hot plate that plugs into the cigarette lighter in your car; by the time the turkey heats up, you’ll be in prime position to snag the next available ventilator!
Historians will remember the last few days as the most gratifying in American history, as Tangerine Idi Amin’s dreams of finding a bunch of judges willing to end democracy for him deteriorated into a viscous blob of failure, public humiliation, and whatever was leaking out of Rudy Giuliani the other day.
Oddly enough, Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s literal/figurative meltdown in Pennsylvania ultimately yielded little beyond an atomic wedgie delivered in blistering legalese, which is almost a shame, since he won’t be able to comprehend a word of it.
As his kakistocrat clowncar coup went down in flames, Donnie Dotard finally noticed he’d hired a team of defective One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest action figures to represent him in court. “They’re making me look bad!” he whinged, before retweeting a 172-minute-long video of James Woods reciting Anders Breivik’s manifesto.
His assessment, for once, isn’t wrong; Sidney Powell’s recent behavior has been extremely…well, “Sidney Powell-like” is the only term that comes to mind. So when she dropped her ultra-helpful DOUG COLLINS WUZ ROBBED BY THE DEEP STATE AND ALSO JEWS take smack dab in the middle of the crucial Georgia Senate runoffs, I mean, you’re the one who loves the scorpion story so much, bro. Sidney Powell is a machine that haphazardly spews toxic sludge; I don’t know why you’d turn it on in the first place, but you certainly don’t get to complain now that the carpet’s ruined.
So Sidney goes into the airlock, but Rudy gets to stick around? That doesn’t seem fair. The dividing competence line between those two maniacs is a gerrymander crooked enough to make Robin Vos blush.
At least these desperate, comical attempts to (lest we forget) overturn the 2020 election provided a steady supply of procedural milestones to celebrate. Yet another doomed lawsuit, filed in crayon on official Four Seasons Total Landscaping stationery*, laughed out of court? Michigan officially certifying their results, dashing the wacky plans of an underdog wannabe autocrat with a crazy dream of a world where Black folks’ votes don’t get counted? It’s like winning the election all over again, every time, and we fucking well deserve it.
It’s been a long, shitty year, and if I get to pop another bottle of champagne every time an election clerk in Philadelphia gets back from their lunch break, I am absolutely taking advantage of that opportunity. I say mythologize all this shit; going forward, every day in November is holy for one reason or another; we’ll write carols and make advent calendars.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s aggressively normcore politics continue their slow, steady infiltration of our news cycle, like a light breeze smelling of nothing in particular. With each individual appointment, and the accompanying resumé overflowing with expertise, excellence, and commitment to public service, rather than the “Nominee X initially drew the President‘s attention by smearing swastikas on the front door of a local elementary school in his own filth” stories we’ve grown accustomed to, I feel like Andy Dufresne emerging into the rain.
Well, stop the dang presses, Emily W. Murphy finally decided to do her goddamn job. Somewhere around the 8th or 9th confirmation of Joe Biden’s landslide victory, America’s breakout bureaucratic irritant, the Orwell It Girl herself, finally acquiesced to the overwhelming will of the electorate and permitted the transition to begin. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure you get your footnote in the history books, you giddy little goose-stepper.
Yes, the transition of power will be peaceful, if pissy. Between Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag’s bold experiments with sabotage-by-accounting and Mike Pompeo’s petulant plot to smash the nation’s toys rather than let his successors rejoin the Open Skies Treaty, it seems as though McConnellism is swiftly evolving from mere obstruction to active vandalism, and it would be really awesome if the Republican Party could stop viewing the majority of the American people as mortal enemies.
You may’ve missed it, but Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops finally crept out of his bunker for the first time in days, pathetically seeking to take credit for the stock market surge that occurred as a direct result of his overdue submission to reality. Didja see it? It didn’t last long. He’s living the narcissist’s nightmare right now; he lives for the spotlight, but he can’t bear it any longer, for it illuminates a loser.
…and then he has to waddle back out for the goddamn turkey pardoning! Like a forgotten sitcom star cutting the ribbon at a Fuddruckers opening! Shoot it straight into my fucking eyeballs; this evil fuck is finally falling out of the dignity tree and hitting every single branch on the way down and it is truly magnificent to behold.
Like, sneaking out of the G20 to sulk on the golf course because you just know he was paranoid all the other leaders were talking about what a loser he is, in all their fancy high-falutin’ foreign languages? I’ve been waiting a long time for this schadenfreude, and now that it’s here, nectar and ambrosia ain’t shit.
Heads up, with the long holiday weekend, this is likely the last time you’ll hear from me until next week. I expect less news than we’ve seen since the bygone normalcy of 2014, for which I’ll give thanks until I have no more thanks to give. I hope you and your loved ones are navigating this warped holiday season safely and sanely. See y’all soon.
*This is a big moment in Shower Cap’s Blog history, the first time I spelled this word correctly.
(I feel like I should clarify the Woods/Breivik thing was just a gag. It isn’t real. Yet.)
Major yuks as always – thanks! I hope you can forgive me for hoping that the Biden administration won’t give you this kind of comedic fodder. If that unlikely calamity does occur, you can use my gun right after I finish with it.
Pretty hollow offer, I know. You live in the country where guns are available in vending machines. Well…your choice.
Have a happy holiday, Cap – and thank you for always managing to make me laugh, usually more than twice, no matter how awful the news! I’m still happy to return the favor should you want to drop in on one of my zoom improv groups and watch, play, or some combo of both.
I’m gonna hand out absentee ballot info on the MARTA platforms in Atlanta 4 Jan 5 run off.
Who’s with me?
You got me chuckling right out of the gate with the “quiet competence” of Biden’s cabinet being “fucking sexy.” Tour de Force as usual…Happy Thanksgiving, and get as drunk as you like: you deserve the celebration!
As soon as this ‘ere normalcy thingy showed its pale face from four years of being hidden under several surplus army blankets, the Covid pandemic in Australia shrank to almost nothing, several states with no new cases for three weeks, state borders opened up, bushfire warnings returned to “mild” and Australian beer began flowing freely again. It just goes to show the impact young Joe Biden has internationally. While still dreading the last frenetic frothings of madness from His Awfullness before he is hauled by his goolies out of the White House, life has certainly improved Down Under.
“…finally falling out of the dignity tree and hitting every single branch on the way down.”
Cap, I’ll have to replace my coffeespit-soaked keyboard and screen if’n you don’t quit writing nosebleed-funny material like that! Thanks to your cynically hilarious take on these last four years, I may just survive this Nightmare from the Depths of Hell we’ve been subjected to since January, 2017.
Annnnd, speaking of the Depths of Hell, what if the afterlife is run by deities with a level of incompetence similar to that exhibited by The Donald’s legal team? Imagine the agony, the suffering if your destination for all eternity was organized like that press conference in the Four Seasons Garden Shop’s parking lot.
The mind boggles… and I don’t believe they have shots for that yet.
Not to worry.— In LaLa land The loser has declared war on the 54% of us with a IQ above room temp. And will soon send his army of retards after us.
It ain’t over till its over.
“He’s living the narcissist’s nightmare right now; he lives for the spotlight, but he can’t bear it any longer, for it illuminates a loser.”
“He’s living the narcissist’s nightmare right now; he lives for the spotlight, but he can’t bear it any longer, for it illuminates a loser.”
Double plus good. Perfect.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, especially you Cap. We have much to be thankful for.
Your opening salvo, evoking a carnival ride run amok, really struck a primal chord – reminding me of another line, whose source I’ve forgotten, but the impact of which never dulls: “…as you slide down the razor blade of life…”.
Should really look it up; it may have been Tom Lehrer. Blew the last of my political contribution budget on 100 postcards/stamps, which I hand wrote to likely GA (D)s, reminding them how to order their absentee ballots. Anyhoo, apparently we Cap fans are still around, grateful for our own survival and, most importantly, YOURS! Best of holidays to one and all.
Hey Cap, have a great week off. I will miss you and your writing, it’s whats gotten me out of bed 2 days a week for the last year. So grateful I stumbled across your blog. On, the other hand, I suspect I will be sleeping better come January. Maybe that will make it easier to get up. But, I’ll still miss your writing. You give awesome laughs. ‘Awesome’ seems to be my word of choice this week. Must be something in the air. Usually try not to use it, but it just keeps popping up. Thanks again for all the work you do and the laughs you give. Take care and stay well this holiday.
Great as always, Cap! Fear not, even after the kandykorn Skidmark is out of the White House, the remaining republiturds will provide plenty of grist for your satire mill.
Have a great Thanksgiving.
Cap I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, you so deserve it! I could not have made it to (almost) the end of this nightmare without you. They should pay me to recommend the MacBook Pro for how well it stands up to coffee having to be wiped from it twice a week! You are a national treasure and I love you <3
Thank you Cap, again! You are the first and most trusted news source I read. Isn’t it funny, ever since George Carlin and John Stewart comics are far more trustworthy than ‘real’ news outlets. What a country!
I was wondering…You made me look up the Woods/Breivik connection. LOL….a real “gotcha” moment! You’re terrific!
So, Emily “Shit For Brains” Murphy can return to her other job as executive chef / food tester for MEAL TEAM SIX. Save some under cooked poultry and burnt steak for the fellas girlfriend. If she ever stepped into the street in front of me the only tire marks would be from me BACKING UP to make sure I didn’t miss her. Fuck her gently with a chain saw! Thanks for all you do Cap.
Happy Thanksgiving! We are thankful for you and your writing: Thank you.
(Enjoyed the Robin Vos gerrymandering snap, although I doubt rodents blush.)
Thanks Cap! And thanks and thanks. Part of my Thanksgiving has been the privilege of reading your blog during our time in hell. I’ll be Thanksgiving zooming with la famiglia tomorrow, and thank God we are all still alive to do it.
Many laughs, as usual. My favorite was the bit about “falling out of the dignity tree and hitting every single branch on the way down”. That part of this creepy aftermath is truly gratifying, even though I admit to still being nervous after everything this bunch of criminals and goons has gotten away with for the past 4 years and all the damage they are inflicting on their way out. I’m doing postcards to Georgia for Flip the West, and donating a few bucks to Ossoff and Rev. Warnock. Hope it does some good, but it’s worth it anyway to know I did what I could.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Cap. You sure deserve it for being our cheerleader here in Hell.
Thank you Cap! Your wordsmithing excells, your sarcasm and humor has kept many of us sane, lo these many endless months. May I suggest a title for the inevitable comedy/docudrama/horror flick? “The Gang That Couldn’t Think Straight”. What a bunch of maroons!
Thank you for finding a path through these years o’trump. Your candle burns bright and lights my way. You are so dependable. No matter how bleak the news looked you brought the sauce to the BBQ!
The identity of “Q” will be officially revealed next Wednesday. This is not a prophesy; it is a fact. “Q” is not a government insider; she is Eliza Quattromani, an associate professor of psychology at Barnum University, in Bridgeport, Conn — founded and endowed by Phineas T. (there’s a sucker born every minute”) Barnum. She will present a paper next Wednesday at the Central Connecticut Psychological Assoc. bi-monthly meeting, called “Is there nothing so ridiculous that the rubes won’t believe it?” It is the result of her experiment crafting prophesies for “QAnon”.
I dare say that few who follow this blog are planning to attend the conference, so I will not spoil her presentation if I reveal that her conclusion is “It sure doesn’t seem so”.
As far as Cap and his future plans are concerned, I think that if he chooses to say, as the Lone Ranger used to say to Tonto every week, “Our work here is done”, and rides off into the sunset, heading to the rescue of another country whose government has fallen into the hands of a fucking ninny, we must accept his decision with gratitude for hs service to ours. Speaking of England, I think that Cap will find their warm beer to be very flavourful, once he gets used to it.