Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Happy Birthday, America! We’ll Start Throwing You Better Parties in a Couple Years, Promise!
Look, everybody and their dog already covered the “It’s hard to celebrate America with kids in cages and tanks in the street” take, so I’ll go the “reality got so fucked up that Mad Magazine couldn’t compete anymore” route. Shit be good n’ righteously cray, is all I’m sayin’.
I guess just after I got Monday’s post up, America watched the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits give an incoherent-even-by-his-standards-so-basically-we’re-talking-howler-monkey-that-got-into-the-cough-syrup-here rant about homelessness in an interview with Liar Tuck. Now, some in the pundit class have tried to parse out the precise meaning of this pile of word vomit while it congeals on the sidewalk, like “Is he saying he invented homelessness? Is he proud?,” as though there’s anything at work here more complicated that an unusually malicious, unusually vacuous, old bastard’s mind deteriorating like a slug that’s been salted. There’s not.
Well, the House of Representatives finally filed their lawsuit to obtain Fat Q*Bert’s tax returns. I’m not sure how this one ends, folks, but I’d bet real money that one intermediary step involves Eric giving a triumphal press conference where he smugly announces that he’s shredded and eaten the returns, thwarting the Democrats once and for all.
Intrigue at the Capitol on Tuesday morning, as Vice President Mike Pants cancelled a planned trip to New Hampshire at the last minute, for some nebulous emergency that was never revealed to the public. The real mystery here is what possible problem could anyone anywhere have that absolutely demanded the immediate presence of Hairshirt Mike? What, was there a lingering Pride marcher in desperate need of a sternly disapproving glare? The man’s a human paperweight. I call bullshit.
The organizers of that silly “straight pride” parade were the victims of the greatest act of terrorism ever perpetrated on American soil, when somebody mailed them some envelopes full of glitter. One of the nuttier things about modern conservatives is, they genuinely believe the delusional fears they develop from spending hours every day mainlining Breitbart and InfoWars are equivalent to those that, say, drive families to flee their homeland and undertake a dangerous, months-long, journey to seek asylum in the United States. Over glitter, in this case.
Betsy DeVos decided to make it easier for for-profit schools to rip consumers off, because when you’re the walking, talking*, Avatar of Rich White Lady Privilege, I guess “It’s just too dang hard to steal from poor people” seems like the sort of problem you were put on Earth to solve. Anyway, POPULISM!
Hey, President Crotchrot congratulated a despicable war criminal on successfully evading justice, and if that didn’t make George Washington rise from the grave, march straight to the Oval Office, and start putting some you’re-damn-right-I-wore-these-at-Valley-Forge boots up some traitorous asses, then there’s absolutely zero chance that zombies are real.
I frequently criticize the Republican Party for ignoring important issues like climate change and income inequality, but I’m starting to understand that their negligence was a regrettable-but-necessary side effect of their laser focus on what I now understand is the greatest threat to the American experiment in lo these 243 years: the cancellation of a sneaker with a flag on it.
Yeah, the very same folks who see nothing un-American in concentration camps full of children are shedding red, white, and blue crocodile tears over this fucking shoe thing. They’re boycotting Nike, which they were already doing over the Colin Kaepernick ad, but now they’re super-duper double-stuf with sprinkles on top boycotting, which of course has no practical effect but allows them to furiously circle-jerk to their own ridiculous outrage, which is about 98% of the official GOP platform these days, if we’re honest.
Arizona Governor Doug Ducey is so deranged with sham patriotism that he’s rescinded financial incentives for a planned Nike plant in a Phoenix suburb, and while I’ve generally grown accustomed to the madness infecting the Republican Party, watching an elected official deliberately destroy jobs in his own fucking state is legitimately bizarre. Crotch-punting your own economy to own the libs.
All these numbskulls throwing shitfits over the so-called “Betsy Ross flag,” which not one of ‘em had heard of before this week, makes me realize that whatever it is that finally pushes America’s cold culture war over the line into shooting and trenches is going to be SO FUCKING STUPID, Y’ALL. Frosting on a Little Debbie Snack Cake that Franklin Graham claims looks like Jesus, and therefore when AOC eats it it’s an act of transgressive blasphemy. Or, I dunno, something even dumber, like the ethnicity of an actor in a movie musical about a fairy tale mermaid.
The Committee to Re-Elect the Turdpile got caught using stock models in ads, in an attempt to create the illusion that there’s diversity in Cult45 beyond the white-folks-with-eyes-bloodshot-with-rage demographic. I don’t get why the deception is necessary, or even desirable. Like, YOU know Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult, WE know Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult, if Rip Van Winkle woke up this very minute, he’d work out that Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult in about nine minutes…let’s just be honest about this shit.
Oh, and an appeals court told President If a Big Mac had an Id to shove his bullshit attempt at funding his Big Stupid Wall by declaring a state of emergency straight up his ass. Administration lawyers countered that there was no more room up said ass following so many similar decisions in other cases, but the court was unmoved.
So, Wilbur Ross announced that the Census Bureau was going forward with printing the 2020 census without the defeated-at-SCOTUS citizenship question, despite Stephen Miller telling Santa Claus that it was the only thing he wanted this year, he was even willing to forgo the traditional Pez dispenser stocking stuffer. All decent Americans rejoiced, because alongside sinking the Trump/Ryan
Kindly Die Once You’ve Outlived Your Usefulness, excuse me, “health care” bill, and the massive midterm blue wave, this was one of the greatest victories over Tangerine Tyranny since everything turned all shitty in early 2017.
Of course, the Bonespur Buttplug doesn’t take losing well, despite it being the one thing he does best. I mean, if the losers ever got together to elect some of Loser King, he wouldn’t need Russian interference to win that one. So now administration lawyers are literally asking the courts for more time to come up with Some Bullshit Excuse That John Roberts Can Pretend To Be Fooled By This Time, While Sharty McFly himself tries to overrule the Supreme Court with an executive order, which I assure you will seem much less important to self-proclaimed constitutional conservatives than flags on footwear.
Justin Amash quit the Republican Party in an Independence Day WaPo editorial because of course he did. His op-ed runs down a bunch of shitty things about the GOP, and says oh by the way, Dems are just as bad and equally to blame, I AM THE LAST MORAL MAN IN THIS FALLEN TOWN and whatever but I bet the baseless bothsidesism gave Chuck Todd quite the holiday stiffy. Anyway, yeah, J-Mash is stickin’ to his principles, but never forget that most of those principles have always been absolute crap; the freedom caucus didn’t kidnap him, y’know.
Lou Dobbs marked the holiday by bitching about the “snowflake generals” who love their country too much to participate in Tangerine Idi Amin’s creepy Soviet LARPfest. Heh. Lou’s mouth is writing checks that his wrinkly old ass can’t hope to cash, and I sincerely hope the bill collectors are diligent.
And yeah, the Hairplug That Ate Decency did his best to hijack the traditionally non-partisan Fourth of July celebration, but fortunately, his best is awfully pitiful. First off, he stole 2.5 million from the National Park Service to pay for it, citing the seldom-invoked Insecurity Clause of the Constitution, by which a President of sub-sixth-grade-level self-confidence may circumvent Congress’ appropriation power to piss away taxpayer money on a pity party for himself.
Oh, and he gave the RNC a stack of VIP tickets to hand out to anyone bored and lonely enough to want to spend the holiday watching a pathetic old narcissist autofellate. Normally I’d be appalled by such an inappropriate politicization of a publicly funded event, but since it deepens the humiliation of the barely-measurable turnout, I’m willing to look the other way this once.
And Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops tried SO hard to get his precious parade of tanks (Sherman? Peabody? Whatever.) rolling down the mall. Fuck, he worked harder for that bit of fascist aphrodisiac theatre than he has for anything since assuming office, more than any piece of legislation or dictator summit…and he still totally fucking failed, because he’s a clownishly incompetent buffoon. Couple of tanks parked near the stage, very expensive, very stationary, very unimpressive.
And in the end, it rained all over Weehands McNodick’s pathetic celebration of himself, because God thought it would be a little much to send frogs and locusts…this time. The networks didn’t carry it. Just a boring teleprompter speech, full of history so bad it’d make you repeat third grade, periodically punctuated by crappy footage of indistinguishable fighter jets. A flea circus from a promoter who promised Cirque du Soleil. What a massive humiliation.
And the worst part? John F. Kennedy, Jr. didn’t even return from the dead, as many Trump supporters were convinced he would. Yeah, I’m not making that up. That’s a real story about a real thing real people believe. Sleep tight.
Anyhow, enough of this shit, I’m gonna celebrate America the best way I know how: drinking beer. “But Cap, isn’t that pretty much what you do all the time?” Fuck you, I’m THAT patriotic.
*well, “whining,” anyway