Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
I Know Things Look Dark, Friends, But Fear Not! Jeff Flake Will Save UsHAHAHAHAHAHAHWE’REDOOMED!
Holy fuck, 2019 is finally almost over, and I just want to get across that finish line, like I’ve already run 3 marathons back-to-back, and I know I’ve got one more ahead of me, but can I at least take a quick breather, enjoy some beer and cake and presents before I hit the road again? No? Well, make sure you’re hydrated, Resisters, and let’s plow through this shit…
Because we live in Hell, you’ve probably already forgotten about how the President of the United States engaged in a little light genocide denial earlier this week, because he’s still angling for that invite to join Erdoğan’s team in the Murderous Autocrat Bowling League. I know your atrocity bingo card is already long since filled in, but after all these years, Sharty McFly still manages to find new ways to be awful.
In a last-minute effort to stave off impeachment, the Hairplug That Ate Decency emptied the contents of his adult diaper directly onto six pages of official White House stationary, threw in a few grammatical errors to establish authenticity, and sent the resulting shitpile to Nancy Pelosi. Now, plenty has already been written about this so-insane-the-Mad-Hatter-and-the-March-Hare-stopped-inviting-Trump-to-tea diatribe, but let me just say, as a blogger who frequently strives for a childish, petulant, tone, I’m a little envious of how naturally it comes to him.
Food safety whistleblowers warn that new Shart Administration rules allowing pork plants to circumvent all that pesky “inspection” will lead to American consumers getting a few surprises when they purchase the other white meat, surprises like “feces, sex organs, toenails, bladders and unwanted hair,” so basically a swinger party at Steve Bannon’s house. Anyway, congrats on Making Upton Sinclair Relevant Again, you guys!
The nation of Wakanda was formally removed from the USDA’s trade partners list, because someone finally informed the Clown Car Full of Rectums running our government that it DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. Anyway, we still have to worry about the trade war with Narnia, the mithril deficit with Middle Earth, and all that Venusian trademark theft, so I don’t think we’re out of the (enchanted) woods yet, honestly.
A Russian spy ship buzzed the east coast earlier this week, no doubt conducting a trial run for the inevitable day when the extraction of Putin’s Personal Pet President becomes necessary, because somebody leaked his plan to carry out air strikes against polling places in minority neighborhoods or some shit.
Wednesday’s impeachment debate on the House floor unfolded like bizarre performance art, steadily alternating between a somber and diverse procession of House Democrats laying out the ironclad case that Kid Kompromat had committed high crimes, and old white dudes screaming extremely stupid shit. Republicans compared Fat Q*Bert’s impeachment (for, once again, crimes he has fully confessed to committing) to Pearl Harbor and the Salem witch trials and the crucifixion of Jesus and That One Time Pears Were on Sale But the Store Was Out of Pears by the Time I Got There After Work. Oh, and Doug Collins said “irregardless” when it was his turn to carry the Ranting Idiot Torch, so that’s the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, unable to use the English language on a grade school level. This must be that “American exceptionalism” I’m always hearing about.
Still, when the theatre ended and the dust settled, the Motherfucker found himself good n’ thoroughly impeached, more impeached than any President who came before him, impeached with go fuck yourself crumbles on top and a side order of whine about it why don’tcha, more impeached than any spray-on tan could ever hide. Congratulations, Fuckhead, it’s the first thing in your whole shitty life that you’ve actually earned.
Daddy Vlad still has your back, though, Dotard! He says impeachment charges are “completely made up,” and since he’s looked through every single file in the FBI and CIA by now, he should know! Side note: it’s hard not to notice that Putin is better at sticking up for his employees than Mike Pompeo is.
I wonder if Putin ever gets sore from pinching himself over the phenomenal luck he’s had with the credulous rube he installed in the White House. The Manchurian Manchild has, we’ve just learned, haughtily dismissed the findings of his own intelligence agencies, and blindly accepted the debunked conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election, because “Putin told me.” It’s really that fuckin’ simple, isn’t it? “Comrade Donald, it truly would be easier for our two great nations to cooperate if we only knew the precise locations of all of your nuclear submarines.” “I’ll send Mulvaney right over with a map, sir!”
Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard voted “present” on both articles of impeachment, possibly because she and Bashar al-Assad agreed it would be a hilarious way to get attention and own the libs. People wonder why she pulls shit like this, and honestly, I’m ready to give up on the notion that she’s executing some clever plan to carve out a constituency only she can see; maybe she’s just weird and mean and wrong about everything.
Since Mitch McConnell has decided to decorate the Senate chamber with Xmas lights that spell out “I will not hold a fair impeachment trial ho ho ho,” Nancy Pelosi decided she would not fill any Senator’s stockings with articles of impeachment, but will instead hang onto them for now, saying, “Y’all can stew in your own juices for a bit and since they are mostly wrinkly old dude juices, I cannot imagine that will be pleasant, anyhow, see you next year, tee hee.”
Predictably retreating to his Klan rally safe space bubble, Tangerine Idi Amin played the hits for a crowd of feral assclowns in Battle Creek, Michigan, debuting his latest single, “John Dingell is Probably in Hell Now HAW HAW HAW” because in his twisted, self-centered, transactional worldview, John’s grieving widow Debbie owes him blind allegiance forever since he oh-so-magnanimously allowed flags to fly at half-mast when her husband passed. Let’s just point out that ten thousand Donald Trumps wouldn’t be worth the corn in John Dingell’s stool, and move on.
Now, the benefits of the President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster’s tax scam might not be trickling down to his voter base, but his post-impeachment rage certainly is, as demonstrated by the deplorable radio host who wished for “a nice school shooting” to distract folks from his Turd Emperor’s legal woes. Also by the psychotic Iowa woman who ran her fucking Jeep off the road and onto the sidewalk, just to run over a 14-year-old girl because she thought the girl was “Mexican.” I think it sucks that stochastic terrorism is the one thing our president is good at.
Well, Jeff Van Drew completed his gooey metamorphosis from Stephen-Miller-denouncing conservative Democrat to loyal Trump sycophant, pledging “undying support” to his tiny-fingered new god. New Jersey Republicans are already salivating to replace Jeff with somebody genuinely batshit in their primary, and home-district Democrats can’t wait to send him the bill for his treachery, so I hope he really sucks the marrow out of being the least trusted man in Congress for the one year he has left in electoral politics.
In the background of all the showier madness, the Republican Party continues their quest to strike down the Affordable Care Act in the courts, because they hate the American people and want them to suffer. As if we don’t have enough shit on our plate, we get to wait around a few more months wondering if John Roberts still believes the serfs deserve health care, how fun!
Mark Meadows will not seek reelection in 2020, leaving an unusually malodorous void in the House GOP’s Shrieking Nitwit Caucus. I guess Gym Jordon will just have to vomit propaganda for two, and I apologize if this has made anybody visualize a pregnant Gym Jordan, because that would be super gross oh no now I’m thinking about it too and he’s lying on a hospital bed and now a screechy little Mini-Gym just burst through his belly like in Alien and excuse me I have to go puke.
I’m not gonna pretend I’d ever heard of Christianity Today magazine before they published the op-ed heard ‘round the Evangelical world, pointing out that Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely should be removed from office for his crimes which are also sins in case anybody’s forgotten, and that the Venn diagram of Trumpism and true Christianity is two circles a million light years apart, but apparently they’re a big deal. Anyway, the Grand High Priest of Turd Worship wasted little time excommunicating the heretics, confident his hold on his cult would prove stronger than any silly ol’ Bible. I’m not optimistic he’s wrong, but we shall see.
I’m not a super religious guy, myself, but I’d like to see Jesus come back, if only to watch Cult45 turn on him after two or three enraged tweets. “Loser messiah likes washing Feet? Very unsanitary, probably a sex thing BUILD THE WALL”
It was inevitable, I suppose, so everybody congratulate the GOP on their very first elected representative/domestic terrorist hybrid, Washington state’s Matt Shea! This dude doesn’t just dabble in terrorism, by the way, we’re talking about multiple acts of armed insurrection, multiple calls to violence, training young people for “holy war,” all while serving in the Washington House for a decade. Anyway, he’ll be pardoned and in the cabinet by Arbor Day.
I literally refuse to describe what Matt Fucking Bevin said. Won’t do it. Yeah, this is right after the Republican Politician is a Terrorist paragraph, and yeah, profanity is sort of my brand, but it’s Bevin’s words and deeds that are truly profane. Click the link if you want, but Matt, go fuck yourself with a rusty trowel, you horror of a human.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders seized an opportunity during Thursday’s Democratic presidential debate to raise her stock with the Absolute Shitsack voting bloc, mocking Joe Biden for showing a little human compassion towards those who, like himself, battle stuttering. Like her awful father, the Uncredible Huck believes “telling a joke” means “saying some hateful and laughing immediately afterwards.” Remember this moment the next time she tries to lecture us about civility, okay?
Jeff Flake published another mewling little op-ed, begging his former Republican Senate colleagues to act with more courage than Jeff Flake could ever seem to muster. We appreciate the thought, bro, but the fight is, as ever, in the hands of folks who didn’t run away when shit got hard.
A Committee To Re-Elect the Crotchrash official admitted that voter suppression remains a key pillar of their strategy in must-win Wisconsin, and they’re pulling out all the stops for 2020! It’s a hilarious admission that they can’t actually earn the votes of the majority of the electorate, and also a terrifying declaration that they don’t give a flying fuck, and will hold onto power by any means necessary. Hope y’all are ready for a fight next year, is all I’m sayin’.
On the good news front, it appears there’s an ebola vaccine now. I bet if if you sprinkled it on William Barr’s breakfast oatmeal, he’d crumble to dust and blow away on the wind.
Ok, that should tide everybody over ‘till next week. In the meantime, I’ve been teasing y’all that something new and wonderful and fun is coming, right? Let’s take the teaser one step further, shall we…