Holy fuck, 2019 is finally almost over, and I just want to get across that finish line, like I’ve already run 3 marathons back-to-back, and I know I’ve got one more ahead of me, but can I at least take a quick breather, enjoy some beer and cake and presents before I hit the road again? No? Well, make sure you’re hydrated, Resisters, and let’s plow through this shit…

Because we live in Hell, you’ve probably already forgotten about how the President of the United States engaged in a little light genocide denial earlier this week, because he’s still angling for that invite to join Erdoğan’s team in the Murderous Autocrat Bowling League. I know your atrocity bingo card is already long since filled in, but after all these years, Sharty McFly still manages to find new ways to be awful.

In a last-minute effort to stave off impeachment, the Hairplug That Ate Decency emptied the contents of his adult diaper directly onto six pages of official White House stationary, threw in a few grammatical errors to establish authenticity, and sent the resulting shitpile to Nancy Pelosi. Now, plenty has already been written about this so-insane-the-Mad-Hatter-and-the-March-Hare-stopped-inviting-Trump-to-tea diatribe, but let me just say, as a blogger who frequently strives for a childish, petulant, tone, I’m a little envious of how naturally it comes to him.

Food safety whistleblowers warn that new Shart Administration rules allowing pork plants to circumvent all that pesky “inspection” will lead to American consumers getting a few surprises when they purchase the other white meat, surprises like “feces, sex organs, toenails, bladders and unwanted hair,” so basically a swinger party at Steve Bannon’s house. Anyway, congrats on Making Upton Sinclair Relevant Again, you guys!

The nation of Wakanda was formally removed from the USDA’s trade partners list, because someone finally informed the Clown Car Full of Rectums running our government that it DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST. Anyway, we still have to worry about the trade war with Narnia, the mithril deficit with Middle Earth, and all that Venusian trademark theft, so I don’t think we’re out of the (enchanted) woods yet, honestly.

A Russian spy ship buzzed the east coast earlier this week, no doubt conducting a trial run for the inevitable day when the extraction of Putin’s Personal Pet President becomes necessary, because somebody leaked his plan to carry out air strikes against polling places in minority neighborhoods or some shit.   

Wednesday’s impeachment debate on the House floor unfolded like bizarre performance art, steadily alternating between a somber and diverse procession of House Democrats laying out the ironclad case that Kid Kompromat had committed high crimes, and old white dudes screaming extremely stupid shit. Republicans compared Fat Q*Bert’s impeachment (for, once again, crimes he has fully confessed to committing) to Pearl Harbor and the Salem witch trials and the crucifixion of Jesus and That One Time Pears Were on Sale But the Store Was Out of Pears by the Time I Got There After Work. Oh, and Doug Collins said “irregardless” when it was his turn to carry the Ranting Idiot Torch, so that’s the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, unable to use the English language on a grade school level. This must be that “American exceptionalism” I’m always hearing about. 

Still, when the theatre ended and the dust settled, the Motherfucker found himself good n’ thoroughly impeached, more impeached than any President who came before him, impeached with go fuck yourself crumbles on top and a side order of whine about it why don’tcha, more impeached than any spray-on tan could ever hide. Congratulations, Fuckhead, it’s the first thing in your whole shitty life that you’ve actually earned.

Daddy Vlad still has your back, though, Dotard! He says impeachment charges are “completely made up,” and since he’s looked through every single file in the FBI and CIA by now, he should know! Side note: it’s hard not to notice that Putin is better at sticking up for his employees than Mike Pompeo is.

I wonder if Putin ever gets sore from pinching himself over the phenomenal luck he’s had with the credulous rube he installed in the White House. The Manchurian Manchild has, we’ve just learned, haughtily dismissed the findings of his own intelligence agencies, and blindly accepted the debunked conspiracy theory that it was Ukraine, not Russia, who interfered in the 2016 election, because “Putin told me.” It’s really that fuckin’ simple, isn’t it? “Comrade Donald, it truly would be easier for our two great nations to cooperate if we only knew the precise locations of all of your nuclear submarines.” “I’ll send Mulvaney right over with a map, sir!”

Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard voted “present” on both articles of impeachment, possibly because she and Bashar al-Assad agreed it would be a hilarious way to get attention and own the libs. People wonder why she pulls shit like this, and honestly, I’m ready to give up on the notion that she’s executing some clever plan to carve out a constituency only she can see; maybe she’s just weird and mean and wrong about everything.

Since Mitch McConnell has decided to decorate the Senate chamber with Xmas lights that spell out “I will not hold a fair impeachment trial ho ho ho,” Nancy Pelosi decided she would not fill any Senator’s stockings with articles of impeachment, but will instead hang onto them for now, saying, “Y’all can stew in your own juices for a bit and since they are mostly wrinkly old dude juices, I cannot imagine that will be pleasant, anyhow, see you next year, tee hee.”

Predictably retreating to his Klan rally safe space bubble, Tangerine Idi Amin played the hits for a crowd of feral assclowns in Battle Creek, Michigan, debuting his latest single, “John Dingell is Probably in Hell Now HAW HAW HAW” because in his twisted, self-centered, transactional worldview, John’s grieving widow Debbie owes him blind allegiance forever since he oh-so-magnanimously allowed flags to fly at half-mast when her husband passed. Let’s just point out that ten thousand Donald Trumps wouldn’t be worth the corn in John Dingell’s stool, and move on.

Now, the benefits of the President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster’s tax scam might not be trickling down to his voter base, but his post-impeachment rage certainly is, as demonstrated by the deplorable radio host who wished for “a nice school shooting” to distract folks from his Turd Emperor’s legal woes. Also by the psychotic Iowa woman who ran her fucking Jeep off the road and onto the sidewalk, just to run over a 14-year-old girl because she thought the girl was “Mexican.” I think it sucks that stochastic terrorism is the one thing our president is good at.

Well, Jeff Van Drew completed his gooey metamorphosis from Stephen-Miller-denouncing conservative Democrat to loyal Trump sycophant, pledging “undying support” to his tiny-fingered new god. New Jersey Republicans are already salivating to replace Jeff with somebody genuinely batshit in their primary, and home-district Democrats can’t wait to send him the bill for his treachery, so I hope he really sucks the marrow out of being the least trusted man in Congress for the one year he has left in electoral politics.

In the background of all the showier madness, the Republican Party continues their quest to strike down the Affordable Care Act in the courts, because they hate the American people and want them to suffer. As if we don’t have enough shit on our plate, we get to wait around a few more months wondering if John Roberts still believes the serfs deserve health care, how fun!

Mark Meadows will not seek reelection in 2020, leaving an unusually malodorous void in the House GOP’s Shrieking Nitwit Caucus. I guess Gym Jordon will just have to vomit propaganda for two, and I apologize if this has made anybody visualize a pregnant Gym Jordan, because that would be super gross oh no now I’m thinking about it too and he’s lying on a hospital bed and now a screechy little Mini-Gym just burst through his belly like in Alien and excuse me I have to go puke.

I’m not gonna pretend I’d ever heard of Christianity Today magazine before they published the op-ed heard ‘round the Evangelical world, pointing out that Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely should be removed from office for his crimes which are also sins in case anybody’s forgotten, and that the Venn diagram of Trumpism and true Christianity is two circles a million light years apart, but apparently they’re a big deal. Anyway, the Grand High Priest of Turd Worship wasted little time excommunicating the heretics, confident his hold on his cult would prove stronger than any silly ol’ Bible. I’m not optimistic he’s wrong, but we shall see.

I’m not a super religious guy, myself, but I’d like to see Jesus come back, if only to watch Cult45 turn on him after two or three enraged tweets. “Loser messiah likes washing Feet? Very unsanitary, probably a sex thing BUILD THE WALL”

It was inevitable, I suppose, so everybody congratulate the GOP on their very first elected representative/domestic terrorist hybrid, Washington state’s Matt Shea! This dude doesn’t just dabble in terrorism, by the way, we’re talking about multiple acts of armed insurrection, multiple calls to violence, training young people for “holy war,” all while serving in the Washington House for a decade. Anyway, he’ll be pardoned and in the cabinet by Arbor Day.

I literally refuse to describe what Matt Fucking Bevin said. Won’t do it. Yeah, this is right after the Republican Politician is a Terrorist paragraph, and yeah, profanity is sort of my brand, but it’s Bevin’s words and deeds that are truly profane. Click the link if you want, but Matt, go fuck yourself with a rusty trowel, you horror of a human.

Sarah Huckleberry Slanders seized an opportunity during Thursday’s Democratic presidential debate to raise her stock with the Absolute Shitsack voting bloc, mocking Joe Biden for showing a little human compassion towards those who, like himself, battle stuttering. Like her awful father, the Uncredible Huck believes “telling a joke” means “saying some hateful and laughing immediately afterwards.” Remember this moment the next time she tries to lecture us about civility, okay?

Jeff Flake published another mewling little op-ed, begging his former Republican Senate colleagues to act with more courage than Jeff Flake could ever seem to muster. We appreciate the thought, bro, but the fight is, as ever, in the hands of folks who didn’t run away when shit got hard.

A Committee To Re-Elect the Crotchrash official admitted that voter suppression remains a key pillar of their strategy in must-win Wisconsin, and they’re pulling out all the stops for 2020! It’s a hilarious admission that they can’t actually earn the votes of the majority of the electorate, and also a terrifying declaration that they don’t give a flying fuck, and will hold onto power by any means necessary. Hope y’all are ready for a fight next year, is all I’m sayin’.

On the good news front, it appears there’s an ebola vaccine now. I bet if if you sprinkled it on William Barr’s breakfast oatmeal, he’d crumble to dust and blow away on the wind.

Ok, that should tide everybody over ‘till next week. In the meantime, I’ve been teasing y’all that something new and wonderful and fun is coming, right? Let’s take the teaser one step further, shall we… 

…coming soon!