Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Just Another Super Healthy Week Spent Arguing Whether or Not Science is Real and Mob Violence is Bad
The American Right will not, dear reader, be made to eat their peas. Peas are tyranny. Sure, peas aren’t honestly that bad, and eating just a few peas could save your life, and if everybody just ate their fucking peas for a little while we could, as a nation, finally stop dying in droves and get back to our lives, but BLERG BLARK SHEEPLE YOU’LL PRY THOSE PEAS INTO MY COLD DEAD MOUTH BENGHAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! Anyway. I better get on with the blog before I bludgeon this poor metaphor any further.
Have you noticed, a few reporters from the ol’ Appalachian diner beat seem to have been reassigned, to finally inquire of those of us who reside in objective reality how we feel about once again sacrificing our standard of living and our safety to the conniptions of the spiteful and misinformed? Turns out, we don’t care for it.
I confess, it’s the petulance that gets under my skin. “MASKS? AGAIN?” they whine, a nation of full-diapered brats in sore need of Wonka-style discipline. They just keep flinging their Legos all over the floor and stomping on them and screaming and blaming us for the pain and I am 31 flavors of over it.
You hear about Lauren Boebert, that cud-brained ball of unfettered hate, childishly flinging an offered mask in a House staffer’s face, and ENOUGH, okay, you have murdered ENOUGH people with your idiocy and your filthy, evil lies. Stop throwing these silly, performative tantrums, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let the grown-ups finally, FINALLY do what’s necessary to slow the senseless loss of life.
These fits about masks…how the fuck are you still on this shit, you crazy, stupid, sheepfucking asshats? These theories y’all have, about masks and Covid and whether to trust doctors or game show hosts on such matters…they’re not holding up too terrifically well, have you noticed that? You could almost say they’ve been disproven every single goddamn day for a year and half. By the ever-growing mound of body bags. You fucks.
And still we have Republican Governors, like those devout death cult archbishops, Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis, actually issuing orders to make it harder, or even impossible, for local governments to fight the virus’ spread, (special racist carve-out, of course, for xxxtra Nazi pointz) demanding, with the full force of their offices, that Covid’s extra-contagious new variant be allowed to spread unhindered throughout the populace. To deny the reaper a single victim is a crime under the rule of these maliciously insane men.
You are indecent people pursuing indecent goals. There is already so much blood on your hands, Birnam Wood is probably parked on your front fucking lawn right now.
Please stop killing us. You’ve killed SO MANY PEOPLE for such stupid, stupid reasons. Just stop. Please, you fuckheads. PLEASE.
I am sincerely sorry that you’ve given your hearts and your minds over to this sense-annihilating rage; from where I’m sitting, it looks like a tremendously unpleasant way to waste the few precious years we’re allotted on this Earth. But this thing where millions of you refuse to live in the real word, teetering on the brink of violence at all times, and the rest of us just…I dunno, patiently absorb the casualties y’all inflict in your madness? It’s not gonna work out, campers.
The House Freedom Caucus demanded Kevin McCarthy expel Marjorie Taylor Greene from the Republican Conference, over her history of inciting violence and spreading disinformation.
Excuse me, that’s not right. The HFC demanded the Minority Leader expel Matt Gaetz for trafficking minors for sex.
Jeez, no, I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight, the Freedom Caucus demanded McCarthy expel Paul Gosar for fundraising alongside holocaust-denying white supremacists. As any decent person would.
JUST KIDDING, the rancid wad of warthog sphincters men call the House Freedom Caucus demanded ol’ Keville Chamberlain excommunicate neither criminals nor bigots, but Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, for the damnable sin of loving their country too much to abandon it to the darkest, ugliest belief system humanity has discovered to date.
“Freedom Caucus.” The advertising firm of Draper & Orwell sure has been busy.
Anyhow. Kinzinger, you see, joined Cheney on the January 6th commission, having taken the apparently partisan stance that Terrorism is Bad and Should Be Opposed. I know there’s an awful lot of huffing and puffing going down on the Sunday shows and editorial pages, but I’d like to think we’re strong and smart and sober and honest enough, you and I, to acknowledge that the one fundamental debate in American politics right now is Nazi Mob or Nah?
As you know, the commission held their first public hearing this week, and…yeah, those are the sides. We all watched the footage. There was a Nazi mob on one side, and the other side was a bunch of cops, battling for their lives, and the lives of the folks the LITERAL NAZI MOB was attempting to, you know, murder.
I’m just saying, this is a fairly low moral/ethical hurdle to clear.
Eager to distract, or at least obfuscate, Elise Stefanik, who certainly doesn’t seem to have grown tired of the ten-dollar Joe Goebbels Halloween costume she donned in search of power, sauntered out, with the propagandist’s courage, to tell anyone who’d listen that ACTUALLY Nancy Pelosi Capitol Rioted herself, because one Big Lie deserves another, I suppose, and another, and another, until the camps are open and the world’s on fire. Elise, you greedy nitwit, you do not understand the forces you’re toying with.
Y’know who understands? Mike fucking Flynn understands. When he waves around an AR-15, playfully musing aloud, “Maybe I’ll find somebody in Washington, D.C.,” he knows full well he is dispensing another dose of a constantly-reinforced message, that violence against political opponents is perfectly justifiable. Stochastic terrorism 101. Just sit back and wait for the next incel to snap.
And then we had to watch the Fascistic Four, Gaetz, Gosar, Gohmert, and Greene, shamelessly attempt to drum up sympathy for the goddamn terrorists. Painting them as political prisoners, held in appalling conditions, at the very same time America watched them try to beat cops to death with whatever they could get their hands on. Sitting U.S. Congressmen, brazenly siding with Brownshirt thugs, against their own country and Constitution, against the very law enforcement officers who sustained injuries and trauma protecting their ungrateful asses. In the clear light of day. In case you’re wondering about how that pile of marble puke suddenly appeared at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial.
Good news is, the burgeoning Fifth Column Caucus is still puny enough to chase away with a single whistle. Let’s keep it that way, huh?
Speaking of congressional traitors, Alabama’s Mo Brooks confessed he was wearing body armor while addressing that famous gathering of Normal Tourist Visitors™️ back on a certain January Wednesday, totally ordinary attire for non-violence-inciting speeches like the one Mo delivered to the crowd that would shortly attempt to lynch the Vice President of the United States. Odd that Brooks’ gambit, to force the Justice Department to defend his treachery, at taxpayer expense, failed so quickly, isn’t it? May this be merely the first of many setbacks, you detestable shitpile.
Oh, and it turns out Gym Jordan, who tried so desperately to force his subpar self onto the commission, hoping to drag the proceedings down to his own clown-passed-out-in-a-truck-stop-outhouse level, couldn’t have served on the committee anyway, on account of the time he’ll need to spend in the witness chair, having enjoyed, by his own grudging admission, a little chitchat with a certain recently-defeated Mussolini knockoff, on the above-mentioned Wednesday in January. Whoopsie.
Incidentally, while the Children of the Candy Corn spread disease throughout the land and work like hell to eliminate the right to vote, they’ve also decided, as a culture, to boo, berate, and otherwise shit upon the nation’s Olympic athletes, ‘specially the Black ones, but don’t you dare call them racist, you cancel culture ruffians, anyway, back to valorizing the white supremacist terrorists and mocking the heroes who kept them from their nefarious goals.
Congratulate Clay Higgins, the first Republican Congresscreep to catch Covid…twice. What’s that? “Was a second bout with a potentially lethal virus enough to get our boy Clay to back off the racist conspiracy theories n’ disinformation n’ whatnot?” Oh, my sweet summer child.
If you don’t mind me snapping that last fraying thread your sanity barely clings to, all this lunacy, this atrocity, this brain-melting fuckery, has been perpetrated in the name of fealty to Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for “My endorsement can’t even carry a comically-low-turnout Republican primary in Texas anymore, but keep on tithing, rubes.” 18,279 votes, out of a total of 39,116. That’s all the power the Dotard in Decline is capable of actually manifesting in the world these days.
Further demonstrating the retail political mastery that delivered both of Georgia’s Senate seats, all sixteen of their electoral votes, and a tasteful gift basket of soaps and lotions to the opposing party, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot took to his vastly diminished platform to once again attack members of his own team, this time for backing the astronomically popular bipartisan infrastructure bill. His effort will once again prove impotent and ineffectual, and yet Republican deference will remain undiminished. They are a submissive people.
Hey look! Still more proof Tangerine Idi Amin illegally pressured federal officials to join Operation: Make America Trump’s Forever! Remember back when the lame duck President neglected a raging pandemic in order to focus on overthrowing the government-in-transition and seizing power forever? Those were just the goddamn wonder years, weren’t they?
Oh, also, the Department of Justice ordered Treasury to finally turn Wee Donnie One-Term’s tax returns over to the House Ways and Means Committee, but I doubt a career criminal’s most ferociously guarded secrets will ultimately yield anything significant. Certainly not a six-figure annual piss hooker budget.
The MyPillow Guy appears to be breaking up with Fox News, because he believes single-handedly funding Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour ought to grant him Big Lie-spreading privileges, and doesn’t it absolutely suck that this is how the world works? That a deranged dolt like Mike Lindell has been granted so much influence over the information consumed as “news” in this country? I wanna talk to the manager, dammit.
Say, if all this foolishness has left you in a fascist-smashing mood, have I got a comic book for you! Marguerite vs. the Occupation, written by your humble masked blogger, (in his mild-mannered alter ego, admittedly) tells the story of a young woman joining up with the French Resistance to get the goddamn Nazis out of her house. Resistance comics for a Resistance audience, that’s what we’re doin’ here. You will dig this shit, I promise. Read more about it here.
I want to thank everyone who’s already backed the Kickstarter, I wouldn’t be able to do this stuff without you. Anyhow, if you’re on the fence, now’s a great time to take the plunge; we’ve added some stretch goals, because we’ve got ourselves a real pretty book here, and we’d like to give it the presentation it deserves. We’re live until August 19th.
Either way, stay safe out there, friends. Don’t let the Delta variant getcha. Or any howling mobs of unimpressive white people, either. Just…look both ways before crossing the street, is what I’m saying…we live in interesting times.