Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
What is “Sheep Drench,” and Why Are Americans Putting It In Their Bodies? Depressing Answers Within!
Big breaking news this week, friends; my sources are telling me several mammalian orders, and perhaps even a few ambitious reptiles, will shortly be making a play for that coveted spot atop the food chain, now that humanity has proven so willing to piss on the fruits of millions of years of evolution, and die from a completely preventable disease, out of pure petulance. Don’t believe me? Well, when a family of yaks shows up at your door, announcing they’ve taken over your lease, you’ll find their paperwork is in order.
Sure was informative, if chilling, watching the various would-be Voices of the Reich turn in their Fascist Propaganda 301 homework over the course of the past week. In fairness, it was a challenging assignment; how could one possibly defend January 6th’s loser thug blob while the whole world watched footage of their hate-fueled savagery, and heard testimony from the law enforcement officers they so viciously assaulted? A seemingly impossible task…until one recalls honesty, decency, and shame are no longer the obstacles they once were.
In fact, this presented a golden opportunity to introduce any recent death cult initiates to the concept of “crisis actors;” a simple but effective tactic for bypassing any pesky empathy that may yet linger in your budding zealot. Heck, from there, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to sharing a nasty giggle with a soft fink like Dinesh D’Souza, at the “weakness” of the heroic cops who, vastly outnumbered, battled a white supremacist mob, with the whole country on the line.
(For folks so obsessed with masculinity, they sure do choose some underwhelming idols, have you noticed that?)
Seditionist incest aficionado Rudy Giuliani has officially entered the “vowing vengeance in the afterlife” phase of his historic And Fall period. I’m honestly impressed; as rock bottoms go, few can hope to approach the self-immolating purity that was the Four Seasons Total Landscaping meltdown, but Rudes just keeps on digging, seeking depths that would freak Jules Verne the fuck out.
And he’s nowhere near done, folks.
I see young Madison Cawthorn experienced an unusually productive week in his quest to accumulate every single Hitler Youth merit badge. The busy little beaver earned an ethics complaint for badgering a congressional staffer, got outed for attempting to smuggle a Glock onto an airplane, AND participated in the attempted overthrow of a North Carolina school board over mask mandates. Guess it’s easy to find time for all that fashy tomfoolery when it never even crosses your mind to use your post as a U.S. Congressman to improve your constituents’ lives.
Recently dismissed kakistocrat Mark Meadows suggested the Deposed Dotard is holding little cosplay Cabinet meeting tea parties in exile at his tacky-ass golf resorts, no doubt featuring Roger Stone as the Mad Hatter and, oh, probably Bannon as the March Hare. (And Wilbur Ross as the Dormouse GET IT?!?!) Don Junior wearing a wig powdered in cocaine. Shit like that.
I see we’ve uncovered some of the paper trail from the Dipshit Coup attempt…sure would be nice to learn from that history before we repeat it, don’tcha think?
Looks like deer get Covid now. So that’s fun.
Speaking of the pandemic, we’re definitely still doing that thing where millions of Americans treat any expertise in the field of medicine as irrefutable proof of malicious intent, just in case you thought maybe something truly outrageous had occurred since last we met, like, I dunno, a sudden outbreak of rational thought or something.
To any future alien anthropologists sifting through the records of our surely-soon-to-be-ending civilization, I want to be clear about the fact that yes, we absolutely had a vaccine at this point. Three of ‘em, actually. Each proven to be safe and effective. It’s just that a whole buncha folks decided that science is a deep state conspiracy, (to…save…lives? I’m confused, too.) and they’d rather ingest things like “horse paste” and “sheep drench” instead.
While I’ve certainly made my share of dubious decisions over the years, I can’t help but wonder how a person comes to find themself sitting at the kitchen table, preparing to swig down a tall, frosty mug of SHEEP DRENCH, pausing only to self-high-five for outwitting that Fauci bastard. But here we are.
Under the reign of Trumpism’s Eve Harrington, Ron DeSantis, Florida has somehow managed to break the daily coronavirus hospitalization record set during the crisis’ pre-vaccine, headless chicken days. And then they broke it again. And again. Of course, similar (and similarly preventable) outbreaks are occurring all over the place, well, at least where Republicans are in charge: Alabama, Missouri, Texas, etc., but let’s focus on Ron-Ron for now.
As the Delta variant ravages his state, causing hundreds of senseless, unnecessary deaths, DeSantis has responded, and alien anthropologists, I SWEAR I am not fucking with you here, by blocking school districts from imposing mask mandates. So he’s forcing children into an environment science fully understands to be basically Golden Corral for Covid, while simultaneously prohibiting, under threat of funding loss, the use of precautionary measures widely understood to impede the virus’ spread.
Well golly, Cap, when you put it like that, it sounds MURDEROUSLY INSANE, doesn’t it? Ron is less a “governor” than a serial killer, if we’re honest.
President Biden called Ronward out, for all the suffering n’ death he’s caused and continues to cause, and the response was a perfectly fascist tantrum which saw DeSantis offer his white nationalist base the comforting lie that illegal immigrants caused the whole problem anyway, because blaming dehumanized minorities for your own failings is the first thing they teach ya at Trump University. Somewhere in Hell, Goebbels is beaming with pride.
We know him primarily from his day job, dismantling American democracy in the name of subpar white dude supremacy, but did you know Kevin McCarthy dabbles in comedy? Yeah, he’s got a tight five on assaulting Nancy Pelosi with the Speaker’s gavel, it really kills at all the Proud Boy bars.
We’ve often wondered why McCarthy has refused to discipline Marjorie Taylor Greene, who continues using her platform as a United States Representative to incite violence at every opportunity; turns out he’s been too busy taking notes.
Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson takes home the coveted Disinformer of the Week trophy, for feeding great big honkin’ lies about both the Capitol Riot AND the coronavirus vaccine into the information ecosystem, earning as his prize the opportunity to utter a slur of his choosing over the intercom at his hometown Chick-fil-A.
Not since Valley Forge has America seen a defender of liberty as devout as South Carolina Congressdolt Ralph Norman. Norman is suing that nefarious tyrant, Nancy Pelosi, over the House mask mandate, because by gum, he was endowed by his creator with the unalienable right to spread Covid-19, which his fool ass caught, freely amongst his unsuspecting colleagues. They’re gonna put you on a postage stamp someday, Ralph.
Tucker Carlson took a little working vacation, to introduce his increasingly fascism-curious audience to the western world’s leading democracy-crushing dictator: Hungary’s Viktor Orbán. Ol’ Liar Tuck goes about his rube-radicalizing work with the diligence of a really well-prepared public school teacher, doesn’t he? Slow, steady indoctrination, beamed into millions of American homes nightly, by Rupert Murdoch. What a giver, that Rupert.
Missouri Governor Mike Parson took a break from leading the coronavirus’ guided tour of his constituents’ lungs to pardon gun waving maniacs Mark and Patricia McCloskey, because laws aren’t for white people, silly Rabbit, certainly not rich, conservative ones, and you’re never getting any fucking Trix either. Trix and justice are permanently off the menu, hoss…come to think of it, you don’t look like you’re from around here, Rabbit, you got any ID on ya?
Oh hey, here’s a real weird one for you.
Seriously, I know we’ve seen some profoundly bizarre shit together, but I honestly don’t know if y’all will believe this.
Because it’s about an elected Republican not only seeking to alter public health policy in response to increasingly drastic conditions, but actually expressing regret for past mistakes. Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson must be some kind of cuck, willing to admit error like that, especially for sissy reasons like “keeping the residents of his state alive.” You’re no Dinesh D’Souza, Asa.
Y’know, if President Biden had simply taken a leisurely Ric Flair strut around the White House lawn over the latest phenomenal jobs report, he’d have been justified, but instead, Smilin’ Joe, clad in the fabled tan suit from which all Democratic Presidents draw their power, used the spotlight generated by all that good news to once again highlight the challenges presented by the Delta variant surge. And he somehow managed to do so without promoting hydroxychloroquine, bleach enemas, or even sheep drench.
Well, we’re heading into the home stretch for the Kickstarter for my latest comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, so if you don’t act soon, you’ll miss out on all the Nazi-smashing fun. Reviews have been great, (check ‘em out on my Twitter timeline, I’m @CapShower) and I’m starting to think we’ve got something really special on our hands.
Like my previous comics, this one is a love letter to the folks who say FUCK NO to fascism. Check out more of our mega-talented art team’s work here, and back the Kickstarter here. Anyway, the campaign must end on August 19th, so get in on this, before all your Resister friends point and laugh at your comic-bookless ass.
Fabricated peer pressure aside, keep yourselves safe out there, my friends. We haven’t come this far to succumb to this fuckery now.