Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Lindsey Graham and Other Naughty Would-Be Autocrats
Greetings from the purgatorial asylum we are calling…the Transition. All this mad, wacky, falling action is interesting enough, I suppose, in a Seriously Fiction Just Fucking TRY to Top This Shit sort of way, but if we could skip to the part where we all get to jump on a ship bound for the Grey Havens, that’d be wonderful, thanks.
Republican politics right now is quite like that one Twilight Zone episode where the whole town lives in terror of the extremely powerful, extremely shitty kid who took them all hostage. From McConnell on down, they smile blankly and nod along as Fat Q*Bert belches up a never-ending cascade of deranged conspiracy theories, and if doing so only further radicalizes the Children of the Candy Corn into a frothy, anti-democracy rage mob, well, we’ve known for some time now this party was only ever going to learn the Frankenstein lesson the hard way.
And so, for now, America remains trapped in this grotesque limbo, the vital work of the transition of power placed on indefinite hold. I guess we all have to sit through the Manchurian Manchild’s crappy backyard talent show and politely clap at the end, because humoring this defeated assclown is apparently more important than gaining control of the pandemic that did not, contrary to the smug prognostications of wingnut “thought leaders,” disappear on November 4th.
Meanwhile, when she’s not busy singlehandedly obstructing the effort to combat the coronavirus, Emily W. Murphy spends her time browsing the want ads in search of her post-attempted coup gig. What’s it like, I wonder, in a job market like this, knowing you’re the one human being least deserving of employment? What does Emily’s resumé even look like? “Won the coveted Bloodiest Hands in the Federal Bureaucracy award, November 2020?”
The weekend’s Million MAGA March fell just a rounding error shy of a million marchers short of the promised turnout, giving Kaleigh McEnany the opportunity to test drive her Sean Spicer impersonation. She very nearly nailed it, though she wasn’t quite able to capture Spicey’s unconcealable shame. The Shart House learned to weed out such traits over the years, so thank God we prevented a second term, sparing the nation the fruits of those fumblingly fascistic first-term experiments.
The Velveeta Vulgarian is, of course, handling his defeat with all the grace and class of a teenaged Veruca Salt discovering she didn’t get the part she wanted in the school musical*, retweeting a spittle-soaked rant proclaiming Biden voters, aka the Vast Majority of the American Electorate, to be “ignorant, anti-American, and anti-Christian.” Not to get ahead of the biographers or anything, but I don’t believe Donald Trump is going to grow into the presidency.
A federal judge ruled that Giddy Goose-Stepper Chad Wolf was illegally appointed, meaning he was acting beyond his authority when he added DHS to the Confedrate train set in Stephen Miller’s basement. So can we maybe lock him out of his office now? Please? Somebody?
Down in the Georgia Senate runoffs, David Perdue is still too deathly afraid of Jon Ossoff to attend a debate, and I mean, I get it; Jamie Lee Curtis learned to keep a respectful distance from Michael Myers whenever possible, right? Whatever happens on January 5th, Dave’s gonna periodically wake up in a cold sweat, shouting PLEASE JON NO MORE, for the rest of his life.
A state-level Republican Party concealed a coronavirus outbreak within their ranks from their Democratic colleagues, endangering their lives. “Now hang on a minute Cap,” you’re thinking, “ Like the checkout lane Archie Comics digests of yore, you’re padding your page count by reprinting old stories!” and that’s a perfectly reasonable response, but you see, this was the Minnesota GOP, and you’re thinking of back in May, when the Pennsylvania GOP pulled this shit. Same murderous sociopathy; slightly different longitude and latitude.
“Trump Derangement Syndrome” is not, as some would have you believe, a fever that afflicts liberals; no, it’s a strictly conservative ailment, and it appears the condition is chronic. Why else would Republican Senators like Dan Sullivan and Ted Cruz throw petty little shitfits over mask-wearing at this late date? Election’s over, boys, there’s no need to keep playing along with the gaslighting, especially the parts that’ve been, y’know, killing thousands and thousands and thousands of us.
Oh, and just as a quick lil’ postscript here, I see Chuck Grassley caught COVID-19, HOWE’ER DID SUCH A THING OCCUR?
The scorecard I purchased to keep track of the Marmalade Shartcannon’s laughable attempts to overturn the 2020 election in court quickly became an illegible mess, but I can still make out a fuckton of Ls. In addition to the Cleveland Brownsian success rate, Fuckhead’s lawyers are now quitting in droves; I guess getting disbarred for participating in the dumbest of all possible coups while fully understanding you’re never ever ever ever getting paid saps the whole “President’s lawyer” gig of its prestige in a hurry.
Now I see Rudy Giuliani, hot off his smash hit residency at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, is bringing his trademark blend of gibbering incompetence and batshit disinformation to Hairplug Himmler’s legal team, all for the low low price of $20,000 daily. The tonal transition of the last couple weeks, from Václav Havel-esque absurdist nightmare to Will Ferrell Did This One For Money low comedy has been jarring, but, I must admit, welcome.
The intersection of Trumpism and the coronavirus outbreak is, dear lord, a gaping maw of cosmic horror that would make H.P. Lovecraft turn on the lights and cry out for his mother. We’ve somehow arrived at the Hospitals Are Overflowing With Patients Who Still Think Covid is a Hoax Even While Dying From Covid stage, and I truly never imagined I’d live to see madness on such scale.
Young Lindsepher Graham has a zany last-minute plan to destroy American democracy once and for all, and it’s so crazy, it just might work! Ok, I lied, there’s no chance of it working, but let’s sit for a moment with the information that a sitting United States Senator appears to have pressured Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger to simply dispose of all those meddlesome Democratic votes. Lindsey my lad, if there’s any sort of afterlife, you are now officially bound for that dusty table in a shunned corner of the great Senate in the sky where Joe McCarthy and John C. Calhoun while away eternity playing silent, bitter rounds of pinochle.
Look, principles are for all you peons, who’ve never known the exquisite thrill of wielding the power of the American presidency as easily as feeding a quivering narcissist’s ego on the golf course every now and then. “Tiger Woods couldn’t have done any better, Mr. President,” and suddenly you’re targeting missile strikes. I get it. I mean, you’re still one of our nation’s greatest traitors, Linds, and future generations will spit when they say your name, but I understand, power corrupts, and you’re a very weak man.
Whether by withdrawing troops from Iraq and Afghanistan against the advice of, well, damn near everybody, or even pursuing a reckless lame duck military strike against Iran, the Bonespur Buttplug seems intent on breaking anything he can get his tiny, inadequate, little mitts around, looking to leave as large a mess as possible for his successor. I don’t think we’ve ever explicitly attempted a petulance-based foreign policy, but I bet this doesn’t work either.
And now I see Michigan Republicans played around with refusing to certify the election results from Detroit, citing the controversial We Don’t REALLY Have to Let Black People Vote Do We theory. Meanwhile, Nevada Republicans are asking courts to either reverse or annul their state’s results, and Gameshow Göring just fired the nation’s leading cybersecurity official for publicly stating the 2020 election was free and fair. Is it just me, or is it getting a little fashy in here?
These are the days of our lives, folks, and the days of our lives are absolutely fucking cray-cray. Well shit, drinking got me through the election, and drinking’ll get me through this, too. Probably.
*Too autobiographical? Too autobiographical.