Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Look, the Prime Day Treason Special Was Too Good to Pass Up, Okay?
Hello Comrades! Tonite, fantabulous new direction for blog! We join new world order, tell poop jokes about Crooked Hillary’s e-mail server and Elizabeth Pocahontas! What? Nyet, am not Russian bot, am Bath Cap!
Kidding of course. But today has been batshittier than usual, and I am correspondingly much drunker than usual. What I’m saying is, any typos in tonight’s piece, blame Putin, not me.
Friday was kind of a slow news day, honestly. The Cubs won. The Rock’s new film disappointed at the box office. Oh, right, and Bodacious Bob Mueller passed out indictments like candy. Candy at the house that gives FULL SIZED SNICKERS.
Twelve Russian intelligence officials have been charged with numerous counts of High-Grade Cyber-Fuckery, so yeah, we’re in a-foreign-nation-committed-an-act-of-war territory. The man tasked with defending the nation from such acts promptly went golfing, because the truth is, he’s really not that into “America,” and we need to fucking face that before Justin Trudeau wises up and invades our ass.
Orange Julius Caesar did eventually get mad. Not because the country he happens to be President of was attacked by a hostile foreign power, but because the timing of the indictments would make him look extra-treasonous for flying to Finland to give our enemy a lap dance just the way he likes it, with periodic nipple twisting but not too hard because his skin is sensitive.
Back in America, the HHS Inspector General says Tom Price (remember him, from season one?) owes the American taxpayer at least $341,000 for all the bullshit luxury travel expenses he racked up before slinking away in disgrace. Me, I’d like to see him work it off makin’ license plates.
…betcha Scott Pruitt’s not looking forward to HIS bill coming due…
Oh, while we’re on HHS, a couple of the frothiest Cult45 maniacs there finally got shitcanned. I guess we’re basically living in a police state now, where you can’t even get a cushy taxpayer-funded government gig if you’ve used social media to accuse your political opponents of conducting mystical satanic rituals. Oh by the way, there are government officials who think Democrats conduct mythical satanic rituals now. Sleep tight!
Meanwhile, the Marmalade Shartcannon, fresh off his NATO tantrum, popped over to England to see if he could re-start the War of 1812. He kidney-punched the Queen, dry-humped Big Ben, and even tried stirring up some fresh shit between the Gallagher brothers, but in the end, no shots were fired.
He gave a little interview to Rupert Murdoch’s dirty little rag, crapping all over Theresa May, and then, because he is a true coward’s coward, denied everything when he was forced, by journalists, to confirm his words to her face. “Fake news!” he labeled…himself. And maybe for the first time when throwing around that particular catch-phrase, he was right.
Wilbur Ross was finally shamed by ethics watchdogs into selling his remaining stocks, at considerable profit of course. Ross then announced the Commerce Department’s “Help Wilbur Take it With Him” program, a revolutionary initiative designed to facilitate the transfer of the Secretary’s ill-gotten wealth to the realm of the afterlife.
Hey, I know we’ve got bigger fish to fry this week, and I’ll get to the good shit in a minute, but holy balls, Elon Musk is an ASSHOLE.
The Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus, apparently undeterred by their very public, almost Puritanical, self-flagellation during the Peter Strzok hearings, made a little noise about impeaching Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, but while they’re apparently dumb enough to rally around Abuse-Enabling Jacket-Hater Jim Jordan, they’re still a little too smart to attempt shutting down an investigation that just unveiled hard evidence of a foreign attack on the nation. So, somewhere between “Mollusk” and “Toe Fungus” on the intellect scale.
In perhaps the Trumpiest move ever, the Shart Administration seems to be considering tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve in order to artificially and temporarily push gas prices down in an attempt to stave off the wrath of the mid-term electorate. That the SPR is not there to “strategically” sway the political fortunes of a know-nothing goon who’s tap-dancing on the economy’s crotch via his Big Dumb Trade War should go without saying, but since Strawberry Shartcake doesn’t actually give a flying rat’s ass about America or any of her residents, I suppose we should have expected this.
While Weehands McNodick cannot be bothered to learn basic information like “how health insurance works,” “how NATO works,” or “how to tie a goddamn necktie,” he has chosen to spend his time and influence requesting a new, much American-er paint job for Air Force One. My sources tell me he’s enlisted Ben Garrison to craft the new design, which would feature a Trumplike bald eagle perched on a golden toilet while hookers piss on it and also a drawing of Salma Hayek dating him.
Rand Paul went on CNN to shrug off Russian election interference on Sunday, and I was kinda mad about that at the time, but then SHARTUS was all “Hold my borscht,” and Paul’s diet treason seems almost quaint now. Anyway, Rand-o is headed to Russia soon, probably to check out that kompromat up close.
Speaking of CNN, Celebrity Liar/Aspiring Concentrate Camp Commander Sarah Huckleberry Slanders announced that Team Treasonweasel had chosen to punish the network for the high crime of Asking the President a Question, by canceling a scheduled interview with the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip. Huh. In certain, less advanced, cultures, spending time with John Bolton is punishment for stealing.
…barbaric, I know.
Perhaps slipping under the radar while the world burns, Jared Kushner faces a new lawsuit from former tenants, who claim his real estate company used various dirtbag tactics to harass them out of their rent-controlled apartments, up to and including EXPOSING CHILDREN TO CARCINOGENS, because like his daddy-in-law, Jared’s dead-eyed, slack-jawed, dumbfuck face masks a genuinely bankrupt, evil, soul.
Sacha Baron Cohen has a new show, and apparently it’s some sort of horror anthology revealing just how fucking insane the people running our government are. The big clip circulating at the moment shows a number of prominent conservatives, including sitting CongressJags, endorsing a fictitious (FOR NOW) program that would put firearms in the hands of children as young as FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD.
Who ever thought we’d need to ask our elected representatives shit like “should we arm toddlers?” I think future political debates need a much lower bar. Less “what will you do about the deficit” and more “rat poison: pancake topping, or nah?”
On the eve of the Puppet/Puppeteer Summit in Helsinki, the Velveeta Vulgarian was asked “Say, who do you think is America’s biggest foe? Joker to its Batman, Sabretooth to its Wolverine, Donald Trump to its Perfectly Good Steak? And Shartboy’s FIRST instinct was to say the FUCKING EUROPEAN UNION. 12 indictments of Russian fuckheads on Putin’s payroll, and the tubby motherfucker says “You know who sucks is our allies.” AMERICA FIRST…ish.
Anyhoo. I rolled out of bed, naked, hungover, and ready for unprecedented awfulness, and saw Government Cheese Goebbels had responded to Mueller’s latest round of indictments by VICTIM BLAMING THE UNITED STATES for Russia’s attack. “If you didn’t want to have your election hacked, you shouldn’t’ve been wearing that skimpy outfit made from easily-misled white supremacist idiots, America!”
And like…that’s a bad tweet. A REALLY BAD TWEET. We have plenty of differences as Americans, but I think one place of shared interest is when another country commits an act of war against the United States, most of us with side with “America” against “The Jerks Who Attacked America.” Certainly one would expect the FUCKING PRESIDENT to do so.
…well, the day was full of disappointing surprises. Like a bachelor party where a tax attorney jumps out of the cake.
So Elmer Gantry’s Inbred Grandson had a private, nobody-but-translators meeting, which ran longer than expected, maybe because Wee Don wrote the nuclear codes on his arm and they got smudged because he sweats like the disgusting pig that he is, while the world waited for their joint press conference.
And then came the press conference.
I mean, nobody was really expecting Fat Q*Bert to forcefully stand up to Putin, but I don’t think we were quite ready for What-if-Benedict-Arnold-and-Axis-Sally-had-a-really-stupid-baby-level open, unapologetic treason.
Like, we were expecting a LITTLE treason. There was just…so MUCH of it. He blamed slutty America again for getting attacked. He ranted about Hillary Clinton and the electoral college. Asked point blank if he believed the consensus of the entire American intelligence community that it was indeed Russia that attacked the United States, he deflected by babbling about debunked conspiracy theories for a while before concluding “I don’t see any reason why it would be,” as though his utterly submissive presence beside that third rate KGB thug didn’t clear up that particular mystery.
In the midst of sharing analysis and making poop jokes, let me also just take a moment to scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds. I’m starting to understand why Vaclav Havel turned to absurdism.
While I’m used to despising the things Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Please let me have the master copy of the pee tape, Vlad”) does, I confess it’s kinda wacky watching the President betray his country on live television.
Point is, Donald Trump is the Prince of Cucks. A Cuck for all Seasons. God’s Own Cuck. The private meeting probably ran over because the tattoo artist had trouble writing “Property of the Kremlin” on his tiny, misshapen scrotum.
Muthafuckin’ Putin gave him a muthafuckin’ SOCCER BALL for cuck’s sake. If they ever do another one of these summits, he’s gonna make Littlefinger wear a ball gag, just to show the world that he can.
Well, congratulations Neanderthal Neville Chamberlain…while you thoroughly embarrassed the United States with your historic display of weakness, you may have finally achieved…PISS IN OUR TIME.
And while America reeled from the open betrayal of their chief executive, news broke of Maria Butina’s arrest. Who is Maria Butina? I’m glad you asked:
Have you met my good friend Maria?
The craziest spy on the block?
You’ll know her the minute you see her
She’s the one who is in JAIL FOR BEING AN UNREGISTERED RUSSIAN AGENT.
Yes indeedy, one of the key figures at the center of the Drumpf/Russia/NRA story has been arrested, and the indictment hilariously implicates some anonymous “gun rights organization,” which I guess could be the Greater Sheboygan Water Pistol Club, but just to be safe I’ve invested heavily in the diaper distributer located closest to Wayne LaPierre’s house.
This is probably the worst news for the NRA that I’ve seen in my lifetime, so forgive me if I take off all my clothes and roll around in it for a bit.
Um. There may have been more. Did we maybe start bombing France or some shit? Did the Tangelo Taint Tumor fire Mattis and replace him with Hannity? Is Fury Road a documentary now? I don’t care, I’ve been drinking since lunch. Get your news from somebody who isn’t a drunk lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe for a change. *hic*