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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Mercator Map Leads Doltish Dotard to Fatuous Fantasy of Greenland Grab

Friday, August 16th, 2019

 

I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to perform some six-hour-long mid-twentieth-century Czech agitprop, and there’s nothing left on the buffet except the fish, which has gone very, very, bad.

Ken Cuccinelli, too racist for even this GOP Senate Caucus to confirm, is looking to make the most of his brief tenure as acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, offering some helpful suggestions to give the Statue of Liberty a white nationalist makeover. “We’re getting rid of that stupid ‘give me your tired, your poor’ stuff and replacing it with a Whites Only sign, and actually if there’s any way to get a new, cross-shaped, torch, that’d be just swell,” he said, after delaying a press conference until the non-white reporters agreed to leave the room.

Sonny Perdue is a regular Mike Huckabee with the whole “sneering disdain for working people disguised as humor” thing. Addressing an audience of farmers who were all, “hey, if it’s not too much trouble could you maybe get your idiot boss to stop crotch-stomping our industry with his dumbfuck trade war,” Sonny told a hilarious joke about how farmers are whiny, because who doesn’t enjoy getting mocked by the very assholes who’re fucking up your life in the first place?

Conservative Thought Leader/Supbar Internet Troll Ben Shapiro agrees that working people are stupid failures who should probably just be turned into mulch, for taking low-paying jobs instead being smart enough to be born to wealthy parents like Ben Shapiro, and I confess I think it’s weird that people vote for Republicans when it’s so glaringly obvious that Republicans hate people.

After two and a half years of incompetence and defeat, MAGA nation experienced their greatest victory since November 2016, when they were given the opportunity to collectively “dunk” on CNN’s Chris Cuomo over some dumb internet video. Raise their taxes, jack up their grocery bills, steal their health care, whatever, just give them a “lib” to “own” and they’ll go to bed with malicious little smiles on their faces. They don’t even need the bread, thanks, the circuses will do nicely.

Julián Castro took out an ad during the President’s daily intelligence briefing, excuse me, I mean “during Fox & Friends,” to call Hairplug Himmler out directly for his hateful rhetoric. In fact, Castro had such success getting the Dotard’s attention, he’s now considering renting ad space on the pockets of Ivanka’s jeans.

Once upon a time, President Gas Station Urinal Cake surrounded himself with a team of economic advisors who, while certainly not the best or the brightest, were at least smart enough to warn him against starting a Big Dumb Trade War. Because he has a small cluster of rabbit droppings for a brain, he decided the solution to this problem was to replace these advisors with dumber, asskissier ones, who would tell him that his bad ideas were in fact very good indeed. And so here we are.

Somewhere within that cavernous cranium of his, he’s starting to draw a line between the two lonley pulsating pus-sacks that scream “me go to jail if me not president” and “me not get re-elected if economy go down-down,” and so he’s filling diaper after diaper as the stock market fluctuates wildly in response to his boneheaded trade brinkmanship. Naturally, he’s more focused on ducking blame than finding solutions, but at least he’s backing off the majority of his latest round of threatened tariffs, which he’s trying to spin as an Xmas gift to American consumers, who apparently ARE paying the tariffs after all, it turns out. Thanks, Santa, for taking your holly jolly boot off the economy’s neck.

But signs of a possible recession keep mounting, with the yield curve inverting, and I won’t pretend I understand what the fuck that means, but TV economists throwing around indecipherable jargon is never a good sign. You see some tweed-jacket-and-horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing motherfucker on CNN going on about how “the tromboonler hasn’t been this vajazzled since the Hoover Administration,” and you start thinking about burying gold coins in the back yard.

ABC helpfully rounded up a list of all the cases where the Candycorn Skidmark’s shitty little name has been invoked in connection with violent crimes and/or threats. Surely this is the sign of a healthy nation, that we can, and need to, quantify that sort of thing. Anyhow, “more acts of violence inspired than consequential pieces of legislation enacted” is certainly a novel re-election pitch.

Steve King, having grown fidgety in the absence of committee assignments, decided, for whatever unfathomable reason, to raise his never-welcome voice on behalf of the neglected causes of…rape of incest. “Where would we be without rape and incest?” wondered King, who I am assured is, in fact, a 9-term U.S. Congressman, and not, as would seem likely, a Sacha Baron Cohen character. If they still let Steve come to the State of the Union next year, his guests will be the Ebola virus and Hitler’s brain in a jar.

Curt Schilling was, for a time, preternaturally good at throwing a baseball, a talent which earned him millions. The gods apparently decided to balance this gift out by making Curt an absolutely reprehensible human being. He’s like the Danny DeVito in TWINS (to Alex Jones’ Arnold Schwarzenegger) of ultra-far-right loons; a mean, stupid, bigoted, colon polyp of a man, who’s fond of spreading the horrible conspiracy theory that the mass shootings at Parkland and Sandy Hook were “false flags,” so naturally President Crotchvoid thinks he’d make one helluva Congressman.

A maniac with a lengthy criminal history and an AR-15 held off Philadelphia police for hours, shooting and wounding six officers, prompting Kellyanne Conway to take a quick contempt break between Hatch Act violations to attack Philly’s Mayor Jim Kenney for suggesting “hey, maybe allowing violent criminals access to weapons of war so they can slaughter cops is bad and we should stop it,” because while guns matter to Republicans, human lives don’t.

Keeping with the Let’s Shit on Local Officials in Communities Suffering in the Aftermath of Recent Gun Violence theme, Dorito Mussolini apparently called El Paso Mayor Dee Margo a “RINO” during the infamous Well What Did You Expect Sending a Sociopath on a Consolation Tour trip last week. “Look, just because I inspired a white supremacist terrorist to massacre a bunch of your constituents doesn’t give you the right to correct my lies, bro. ‘Republican’ means ‘brainwashed toady who gobbles up my turds like nectar and ambrosia’ now, and you best learn to love it.”

Corey Lewandowski has been subpoenaed by the House Judiciary Committee, which isn’t particularly funny, unlike his ongoing flirtation with a Senate run in New Hampshire.

In this month’s issue of Pissant Autocrat Team-Up, Donnie and Bibi get together to ban U.S. Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar from entering Israel. This is very smart of Netanyahu, because of course Donald Trump will be president forever, so surrendering to his every momentary whim is sound strategy, and there will never be any negative consequences.

Anyway, Weehands McNoDick has this rather obvious fantasy that he can make the 2020 election a referendum on a quartet non-white lefty Congresswomen rather than his own failures and atrocities. And while you can’t leave the house today without tripping over half a dozen pundits breathlessly proclaiming the brilliance of this “strategy,” I have to tell you folks, this little blip in the news cycle isn’t going linger in our overburdened memories for a month, let alone a year and half; in a week or so, he’ll change the headlines by grabbing some visiting dignitary’s ass live on camera, and we’re not gonna remember that, either.

Speaking of the Manchurian Manchild’s immature fantasies, I guess the dopey old fuck wants to buy Greenland. Yep. Probably imagines he can negotiate a low down payment, then stiff the Danes once he’s moved in and loused up the joint with gold toilets and overcooked steak farts. Oh well, I suppose we’re all safer when he’s daydreaming about self-aggrandizing nonsense like Nobel Prizes and island impulse purchases rather than the actual affairs of state.

Hey, congratulations, Earth! July 2019 was the warmest month ever on record! Hot Girl Summer is right, ayyyyyyyyyy I am so very young and hip to the pop culture of America’s youths to the absolute MAX, y’all! Cowabunga!

And the Marmalade Shartcannon, no doubt incensed about all the empty seats at his New Hampshire hate rally, mocked a man he believed to be a protester for being overweight, as well as having tiny little doll hands and not knowing how umbrellas work. Then the dude turned out to be a loyal Cult45 drone who was apparently delighted to be shat upon by his Turd Emperor, and I kinda get that; I still remember the day President Obama asked “hey, who’s the sweaty lunatic in the bathrobe and luchador mask?” while the Secret Service dragged me away. I only wanted a selfie, Barack.

A State Department inspector general’s report reveals that Fat Q*Bert’s malignant political appointees, Kevin Moley and Mari Stull, were fond of harassing and abusing employees they deemed insufficiently loyal, because smooching the saggy Trumpal buttocks is certainly more vital to the department’s mission than any of that silly “diplomacy” crap.

Log Cabin Republicans endorsed Government Cheese Goebbels today, even as his administration of, by, and for, the hateful rolled out new rules allowing federal contractors to discriminate against LGBTQ employees. When President for Life Trump rounds them up into camps, expect Log Cabin Republicans to publish an op-ed praising the chow in the mess hall.

Hey, don’t look now, but Susan Collins’ 2020 re-election bid has migrated from the forsaken lands of Leans Republican into the verdant hills of This Shit is a Toss-Up, according to the Cook Political Report. Turns out disappointment is a two-way street, Senator. Anyway, give Sara Gideon a whole bunch of money, ‘kay?

Alright, I probably missed some shit, but I’m blaming it on the cough syrup. Anyway, I’ve got to get a tribute screening of Easy Rider in before bed, so I’m signing off, Shower Captives. See y’all next week.

Shower Cap

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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