Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Monday Roundup: Stephen Miller’s Hair and Other Lovecraftian Horrors
My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening’s blog isn’t just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller’s stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I’m a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!
So let’s wade through the madness, shall we?
Chris Christie, a guy whose political career ended in scandal, with approval ratings somewhere between genital tumors and the Blue (Da-Ba-Dee) song, joined the legion of deplorable shitsticks refusing to climb aboard the Shartanic, in refusing to become Dorito Mussolini’s Chief of Staff. If getting turned down by a puritanical asparagus fart like Rick Santorum was embarrassing (and it was), this was a British-version-of-The-Office-level humiliation.
President Festering Nectarine finally got Mick Mulvaney to accept the gig, at least on an interim basis, presumably by threatening his family. Mulvaney will continue to serve in his current jobs as Director of OMB, White House Sous-Chef, Conditioning Coach for the GOP Bowling Team, and Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation.
Rest In Peace, the Weekly Standard…I guess? Journalism about journalism is as tedious as theatre about theatre, so my feed has been full of cloyingly somber tributes to the magazine that sold the GOP’s garbage ideas while sipping brandy in expensive suits instead of gargling cheap bear in a Trump That Bitch t-shirt, which is allegedly better for reasons that have not been explained to me.
I love, respect, and admire my never-Trumpers, I do…up to a point. They continue to dismiss or ignore the ten thousand ways they helped pave the way for Trump and Trumpism, but I admit it’s kinda sad that they truly believed their lofty-if-shitty ideas ever really had an audience in a base animated by white resentment, white resentment, and above all else, white resentment.
Rudy Giuliani spends so much time moving goalposts, you’d think he was a fucking groundskeeper. Now suddenly all the hush payments that federal prosecutors have have labeled crimes are not crimes at all! And neither is collusion, how convenient! First it was “truth isn’t truth,” now it’s “crime isn’t crime.” One of these days, he’ll be on Meet the Press, and go, “Rudy isn’t Rudy,” and blink completely out of existence.
Scott Walker signed a set of bills that reduce early voting and limit the powers of his Democratic successor because he’s a cheap, fascist, thug, and because Republicans are testing the waters to find out exactly how much Democracy they can get away with destroying. No jokes in this paragraph, people. Just a very loud warning.
Paul Ryan, having driven his party into a ditch and inflated the national debt like one of those orange blob monsters in Dig Dug, is abusing the powers of his office one last time before leaving the nest for his new home inside David Koch’s butthole. Paul actually wants a very non-Republican increase in immigration…for white people, of course! Yes, he’s pushing for extra visas for the Irish, just to give the most condescendingly theatrical wink imaginable to all the GOP’s ceaseless ranting and raving about immigration on the way out the door. I miss him already.
Fresh off a stint in the big house, lil’ Georgie Papaderpaderp says he wants to roll up to the trough and be a fancypants Congressgrifter just like Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter! His platform will be be half treason, half crime, and allllllll failure, bay-bee!
Hey, Tucker Carlson is finally shedding sponsors on his Smirking Douchenozzle White Power Hour, which seems…overdue. I honestly wonder, though…are brands fleeing the likes of Laura Ingraham and Liar Tuck because they don’t want to be associated with shameless bigotry, or because America’s white supremacists don’t have any disposable income left after binging on ammunition and meth on payday?
Remember Friday night? You thought the news had died down for the week, so you were free to sneak out to your local watering hole/swingers party/dominatrix dungeon and get a leg up on the weekend but that’s exactly when a Texas judge (who I am choosing to visualize as an elderly Yosemite Sam, complete with smoking pistols) decided he would like to take a fat sloppy dump in the middle of millions of his countrymen’s lives, and declare the ACA to be 31 flavors of unconstitutional, because if the founding fathers wanted us to be healthy, they’d have cured cancer themselves, by gum.
The consensus seems to be that the legal reasoning behind the ruling is shakier than Brett Kavanaugh on spring break, and likely to be overturned. It’s still a nice reminder that Republican Party doesn’t want us to be alive any longer than is absolutely necessary. Sure, give the labor of the prime of your life to our donor class in return for substandard wages, but once you’re no longer producing for your betters, well, if you could kindly drag yourself to the glue factory, that’d be swell.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke, having looted the supply closets at Interior down to the last paper clip and sold Smoky the Bear to Chevron as rag material, will be moving on to greener pastures. Like Scott Pruitt and Tom Price before him, he will be replaced by someone equally committed to undermining his department’s mission, but likely not so stupid and greedy as to attract an army of watchdogs.
Word is, the Shart House tried for weeks to push the Z-Man out the door, but he wouldn’t leave until he got to throw a big Xmas party for his lobbyist buddies. Can you imagine? Getting pushed around by a two-bit goon like Ryan Zinke? “I won’t let you fire me until after my party.” It’s just a goddamn mystery how this pillar of strength failed to disarm North Korea, isn’t it?
Anyway, you sort of wish Zinke would wind up gettin’ some Jurassic-Park-style justice, don’tcha? Like he gets lost in Yellowstone, and devoured by a pack of squirrels or something?
Everybody wants their donations back from Celebrity Racist/Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, but she already spent the money, suckaaaaaaaas! And when she wears her shiny new ruby-crusted pendant shaped like a burning cross on the Senate floor next year, she’s gonna wink at the C-SPAN cameras and whisper “Thanks, Major League Baseball!”
Hey, speaking of unrepentant bigots who totally gotta away with everything, remember when then-Georgia Attorney General Brian Kemp accused state Dems, mere days before the midterm election, of attempting to illegally hack the state’s voter registration system? Well, as we all suspected at the time, the little shitweasel made it all up! Pulled it straight out of his fascist ass! And combined with all of the other sneaky voter suppression operations he was able to direct as the guy in charge of overseeing his own election, he was juuuuuuust able to squeak out a “victory.”
But make no mistake; Brian Kemp is not the legitimately elected Governor of Georgia. And we shouldn’t pretend otherwise. I’ve said it before, but when these bastards win by cheating, we need to stop congratulating them on their wiliness.
The Senate Intelligence Committee released their reports on Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election, and you were all, “Oh right, we’ve been so focused on emoluments and Manafort and staff turnover we kinda forgot the part where there was an enemy nation working to install this Giant Rotten Nougatwad Wrecking Ball that’s been fucking up our country for the last two years!”
There’s all kinds of stuff in there about the Russians going after Mueller, or encouraging disaffected leftists to vote for Jill Stein and now I have to think about Jill Fucking Stein and that means grinding another layer of enamel off my teeth, goddammit.
So, the President of the United States thinks Saturday Night Live is illegal. Or ought to be. Because they make fun of him. In some ways, it’s actually very amusing the way he behaves like a textbook authoritarian dictator, straight of central casting; the terror and hatred of mockery is Autocrat 101. In others, I occasionally worry he’ll send drones to bomb 30 Rock.
He also seems to think that there something illegal about…investigating crimes. It must be hard to type on a spittle-drenched iPhone, but he spent the weekend trying to stir up a national outcry over the FBI…doing its job. “They’re gathering evidence and interviewing witnesses and it’s basically 1984 up in here now!” he shrieked, which actually provided a helpful opportunity for General Kelly to show Mick Mulvaney how to change the presidential diaper.
And yes, Stephen Miller, freshly ornamented with a thin layer of Nutella and dryer lint, slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to hiss and spit his usual hateful bile and insist that Team Treasonweasel will do whatever is necessary to get their Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants built, they’ll shut down the government, they’ll tear down the Alamo for bricks, if they have to, they’ll…wait, what? Yes, that’s my real hair! It IS! I’M GENETICALLY SUPERIOR GODDAMMIT! QUIT LAUGHING!
…Stevie’s not just the president of the hair club for klansmen, he’s also a client!
Weehands McNodick is fond of of whining and moaning about the cost of the Mueller probe, which, again, is an investigation into an ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES BY A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER, so maybe if we’re pinching pennies we could cut back on the golf before the national defense. But it turns out that not only has the whole shebang cost significantly less than, say, a cynical political stunt deployment of our troops, but it’s actually seized significantly more than its expenses just from Paul Manafort.
So the Bobadook has actually turned a profit, making his investigation more successful than any of the Shart of the Deal’s businesses.
But if wasting taxpayer money is your jam, you’ll LOVE the latest bribe, er…”payout” to the farmers who have victimized by Tangerine Idi Amin’s moronic trade war! We could reverse the tariffs, but no, borrowing truckfuls of money for the world’s most expensive band-aid makes much more sense.
The Department of Justice really really really really REALLY doesn’t want the emoluments clause lawsuit to proceed to the discovery phase, on account of all the bribery that will turn up. More like the INjustice department, amright? (Extends arm expectantly for high five.)
Lamar Alexander, who isn’t a moderate but feels like one because he doesn’t have a QAnon tattoo on face, announced he will not seek re-election in 2020, which gives the feral assclowns of the Tennessee GOP two whole years to find somebody even batshittier than Marsha Blackburn to send to Washington to make laws mandating that department store Santas be heterosexual or whatever. I’m sure they’re more than up to the task, sadly.
A couple of Mike Flynn’s pals got indicted for their secret work “lobbying” on behalf of the Turkish government, and you know I’m starting to suspect these inner-circle MAGAts haven’t been putting America first. Yes, this is all about Erdogan getting his hands on dissident cleric Fethullah Gulen, like he’s the last uncaptured Pokemon or something. Yes, that’s the same guy Government Cheese Goebbels’ is trying to swap to Turkey in exchange for their complicity in the Khashoggi murder. Yes, he would be swiftly murdered himself upon returning “home.” This is how immoral people conduct diplomacy, Virginia.
…and now that Khashoggi nabbed Donnie Dotard’s coveted Time Person of the Year spot, you know the old man wants his name buried once and for all.
I’m sure there’s more, but I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face with an ostomy bag for about eight hours right now, so I’m gonna sign off for the evening. See ya soon, Shower Captives!
*I am not in any way, shape, or form a journalist.
***that one’s fine, actually.