Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Old Bastard Probably Shits His Way Through $750 Worth of Taxpayer-Funded Diapers Every Week
When I am old, I will sit on a rocking chair on my porch and children will periodically approach to ask Old Man Cap what it was like, living through the death throes of Donald Trump’s attempted fascist coup, and I will chase those little bastards away with my cane for triggering memories of this madness. It was cray-cray, youngsters. Shit was cray beyond your wildest conception of what that doubtlessly-outdated term implies. OFF MY LAWN WITH YE.
So, you may have noticed, or had your entire life derailed by, or perhaps even died frightened and alone from the coronavirus pandemic. No, your federal government is somehow still not doing a great deal to halt the spread of the disease that’s claimed 209,000 American lives, but it is diligently battling the notion that COVID-19 is anything to worry about.
Maniacal Trumpist hacks installed atop the CDC apparently commandeered $300 million for a doomed, deranged effort to make television ads where Dennis Quaid somehow lulls a weary America into believing Larry Kudlow was right all along? I don’t get it either. At this point, it’s just insane children, hopped up on Orange Crush and Wonka Fun Dip, looting the Treasury.
Of course, the governing party isn’t JUST neglecting its duty to protect its citizens from a deadly virus, it’s also refusing to lift a finger to help the millions of Americans who were just standing around, minding their own fucking business, when y’all decided to crash the economy, get a quarter of a million of us killed, and experiment with open fascism, just to spice up the death and despair, I guess.
What I’m saying is, Mitch McConnell’s hopelessly corrupt Senate Republican caucus will not be shaken from their path to damnation. Never in our history* has such a crucial group of elected officials failed in their responsibilities so repeatedly and so cravenly, and never have their failures cost so many so much. Never forget any of their names, and never stop holding them up as examples of the rot that erupts when power collides with cowardice.
Christ, I’m ranting. Point is, Wrinkly Gamera still won’t take up legislation that would deliver much-needed relief from the suffering he is largely to blame for, because he’d much rather spend his time on his favorite hobby: orchestrating heists of Supreme Court seats. And hey, you’re good at it, Mitch. Congratulations. Look what it cost.
Seriously, look at these hopelessly broken men and women, from McConnell to Rubio to Collins to that kid with the lousy beard, what’s his name, spends his days sucking on the butthole of the guy who insulted his wife, ANYWAY, look at them, toasting themselves in the middle of the cemetery, the graves they’ve dug stretching beyond the horizon in every direction, celebrating this extra bit of power they’ve purloined for themselves.
Power to what? To kill still more of us? This party is so insane and useless and rotten, you understand why they have to cheat with every tool at their disposal to dodge the will of the people.
Of course I understand they’re salivating to install their little maniac theocrat before the American people have a chance to punish them for their authoritarian power grab amidst their catastrophic failings, but I admit it’s still amusing to watch them, howling with all the sincerity of a high school kid singing Les Miz, as they rail against imaginary Democrats over their immense, imaginary hatred of Catholics.
Meanwhile, the Democratic Party’s nominee for President attends a Catholic church every Sunday while Hairplug Himmler spreads hate and golfs. Because Republicans don’t even know how to deal with the truth anymore. Y’all can’t hide in this alternate reality forever. This path your party is on, it ends in either electoral defeat or Kristallnacht, you understand that, right?
I’m on a really exciting new diet where I draw sustenance exclusively from videos of Lindsey Graham begging MAGA Nation for money like an unusually whiny Dickens orphan. Sorry Linds, your master already bled the whole damn cult dry to pay his legal bills, and after blowing a cool billion with nothing to show for it but a series of tasteful shots of Joe Biden’s septuagenarian ass, you’re own your own, son.
Today on Shitty Orwell Theatre, I see Tangerine Idi Amin has taken to branding his superspreader Klan rallies as “peaceful protests.” I mean, it’s not even good trolling, but frankly, I’m completely willing to throw a faux tantrum or two to keep these assclowns locked into a strategy of Deliberately Spreading a Lethal Disease Amongst Our Most Fervent Supporters in Crucial Swing States to Own th’Libs.
Please! Stop! O I am slain!
Welp, the Failing New York Times finally got ahold of Shart Garfunkel’s tax returns, and I have to admit, for a doddering old nitwit with a Wile E. Coyote-like instinct for self-destruction, all the years of effort invested into suppressing this multi-spouted shit fountain were well-spent. Holy balls.
The slobbering jackass calls himself the “King of Debt,” but bro, if something has your nuts in a vice, one thing you are decidedly not is the King of it. Years of recklessness and ineptitude have left him with hundreds of millions personally owed and set to come due within a few short years, even as his core businesses flounder and fail, just like EVERY SINGLE THING HE FUCKING TOUCHES.
Minutes after the NYT bombshell dropped, every national security pundit in the country quietly raised their hand to remind us that under normal circumstances, no one with a fraction of this debt would be allowed anywhere near classified intelligence, or indeed any part of the national security apparatus, on account of how OBVIOUSLY FUCKING BLACKMAILABLE they are.
I mean, how many times over the last day or so have you seen a nervous expert describe Strawberry Shartcake’s financial exposure as a “threat to national security?” And how many times have you shouted, “OH, YA THINK?” at the TV screen?
Folks, we all remember Jared Kushner swapping government policy and/or state secrets for that $1.8 billion bailout from his dumbfuck family’s suicidally stupid real estate blundering, and we’ve watched his taintfungus father-in-law blissfully golf the year away as 200,000 Americans lost their lives to his malignant mismanagement, of course these crooks will continue placing their personal financial concerns above your life. OF COURSE THEY WILL. If he could get away with it, Donald Trump would sell every bit of equipment under the Pentagon’s control, down to the paper clips and Post-it notes, to Putin, just to get out from under that debt. Don’t doubt it for a moment.
In the end, he’s never been anything but a drooling idiot burning through Daddy’s money, just the cheapest imaginable grifter, with a skill set barely suited to selling fake designer handbags on street corners until the fuzz shows up…and we made him the PRESIDENT.
Not since the world learned of Mitt Romney’s sneering disdain for the 47% has a number penetrated the public consciousness as quickly and thoroughly as the Marmalade Shartcannon’s already-infamous $750. After all the unpaid bills and outright fraud and Republican-designed loopholes for the wealthy, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s contribution to the nation’s coffers in two separate years amounted to a just-rubbing-our-serf-noses-in-it seven hundred and fifty dollars.
$750. It’s somehow infinitely more infuriating than the many years when he used a combination of personal incompetence and contortionist accounting to avoid paying any taxes at all (remember how we laughed when we learned the dolt lost more money than anyone else in America?), because it reminds us that even before submitting to a hostile takeover by a Nazi game show host, the whole dang GOP ultimately amounted to little more than a glorified accounting firm for the billionaire class.
It reminds us that Toupee Fiasco’s lone legislative accomplishment of any significance was a wildly unpopular bill that cut his own taxes even further, I guess cuz that seven-fiddy came out of the vital fund set aside to replace plate glass windows Junior n’ Eric walk through.
Run on that, you fucks. Run on $750 and 200,000 mostly preventable deaths. Face the electorate with that record. And brace yourselves for what comes next.
…y’know, the last time Joe Biden was on a presidential ticket, that 47% shit put the Republican down for the count, and that guy could pronounce Thailand. And he never raped anybody. Or got even ONE hundred thousand people killed
I see Ratfucker Prince Brad Parscale has been “involuntarily hospitalized” following a domestic violence incident which allegedly involved a loaded handgun and left his wife’s arms covered in bruises. Another reminder that the vow to “drain the swamp” and hire “the best people” was just one more maggot-chewed shit sandwich that you always had to be mighty fucking stupid to take a bite of, let alone swallow.
Ok, so tomorrow brings the long-awaited meeting of Handsome Joe Biden’s boot and lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ ass. Less historic, but equally entertaining, September 29th also brings the launch of the Kickstarter for MY SECOND COMIC BOOK, a nifty little space fable called MINE. Y’all were very kind in helping me launch my first comic earlier in the year, and I think you’ll enjoy this one.
There’s a special reward on the Kickstarter for fans of this blog, by the way. For backers at higher tiers, I will compose a personalized letter to a politician of your choosing on an issue of your choosing, in the style of this here juvenile poo joke blog. These letters were a big hit on the first Kickstarter, so we’re bringing ‘em back!
And once again, Early Bird pledgers will get their names in a special thank you section of the comic itself! One week only!
And don’t forget about the Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide! The House side is growing, welcoming Montana’s Kathleen Williams, who you may remember from the midterms. Obviously, the link to Flip the Dang Senate has been, heh, popular.
Ok…rest up, Resisters. We’re about to hit the home stretch, and I imagine shit’s gonna get real weird. Hunker down with beer n’ cake n’ comics or whatever it is that recharges ya, we’re gonna need everybody at their best.
*I know fuckall about history. If I’m wrong, (and I probably am), I’m wrong. Keep it to yourself.