Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Placid Pelosi Plucks Petulant President’s Pulpit…Perfection!
Folks, at this point, I’d really love it if a bunch of orderlies burst through the door, tied me to a hospital bed, and administered shock therapy, because that might mean that I’m locked up in an asylum in a bad 50’s movie, and that none of this is really happening. I’m pretty sure it’s all real though, so let’s wade through it and get on with our weekends.
“You come at the Queen, you best not miss.” This is the lesson President Crotchrot learned this week, as Speaker Pelosi yanked the bully pulpit from his tiny, inadequate, hands, pointing to the “No shirt, no open government, no State of the Union speech” sign in the Speaker’s office. “Oh, you want a captive prime time audience so you can spin and lie and blame Democrats for your shutdown? Instead of that, how would you like a big fat plate of my shit?” More on this later.
Well, you’ve finally done it. You’ve gone and pissed Mike Pants off. The Vice President’s hairshirt is halfway up his ass because folks’re criticizing Mother for taking a job at a school that prohibits LGBTQ students or staff, or to put it in plain English, a fucking bigoted school. Like all religious fanatics, Mr. Pants furiously insists that his own personal prejudices be granted the protections of “religious liberty.” As for the rights of those the school discriminates against, he growled, “The little deviants should count themselves lucky we don’t throw them in fucking camps!” Or at least you know he really really really wanted to.
It was actually a banner week for ol’ Number Two, as he took a page from George W. Bush’s (coloring) book, proclaiming MISSION ACCOMPLISHED in Syria just as ISIS claimed responsibility for an attack that killed four Americans. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.
An inspector general’s report says the General Services Administration ignored the Constitution in allowing Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot to continue leasing the post office he uses for his tacky-ass Washington, D.C. hotel. So, this “Constitution” thing…are we still doing that? Is the rule of law still a thing? I’m really asking, by the way.
Lordy, somebody put The Goalposts on the missing persons list; they were last seen getting shoved into an unmarked van by Noticably Decomposing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani. Where they are now, nobody knows. Rudy’s steady, gradual, progression from “Donald Trump is as the most innocent newborn babe, pure as the driven snow” to “Ok, so he was surrounded by crooks and traitors but he was too busy cheating on his wife to commit any crimes himself,” has been, I confess, awfully amusing to watch.
With Steve King’s shocking racism, which nobody knew about ‘til two weeks ago, vanquished at last, the GOP marched boldly forward, free from the chains of bigotry that once held them down. Except for Congressjag Jason Smith, who screeched “GO BACK TO PUERTO RICO” at Congressman Tony Cárdenas, on the floor of the House, which, now that I think about it, is maybe sorta racist.
You probably hadn’t heard of Jason Smith before this. This is a perfect example of Shower Cap’s 7th Principle of Conservative Politics: Whenever you hear a rank-and-file Republican Congressman’s name for the first time, it’s because he did something criminal or hateful or in direct contradiction to his own loudly-professed morals, or any combination of the preceding.
Anyway, we were discussing how Extremely Not Racist the post-Steve King Republican Party is. Congressdopes Andy Harris and Phil Roe brought Holocaust-denying Internet Troll Chuck Johnson to Capitol Hill for a meeting, and also to show off their Not Steve King cred, cuz only super un-racist dudes hang out with known white supremacists, “to discuss genetic testing and DNA.” Oh, you hadn’t heard of either Harris or Roe? Consult Cap’s 7th Principle.
Don’t worry though, Steve, the “religious” right has your back! Yes, several of the most prominent fake Christians in America banded together to demand King be reinstated to his committees, because while most folks have enough basic human decency to understand that a guy who hangs out with Nazis is not a good guy, that bar is still somehow too high for these pompous, perpetually-moralizing, goons to clear.
Anyhow, Government Cheese Goebbels himself surely cleared up the whole “racism” misunderstanding once and for all, with the revelation that he fought to deny Puerto Rico access to any disaster relief funding at all in the wake of Hurricane Maria, and that’s so fucking evil I won’t make a joke about it. I am very tired, my friends, of seeing the powers of our federal government weaponized by hateful men to hurt the vulnerable.
That’s not really fair of me, I know. I need to be inclusive. It’s wrong to ignore the hateful women who are also hurting people. So let’s talk about Kirstjen Nielsen, who’s spent the last few months of her life implementing and lying about the Pigshit Administration’s abominable child separation policy. Turns out, these fucks separated thousands more children from their families than we knew about, and they were doing it for months before they announced the policy to public.
Fortunately, Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is on the case, calling on the FBI to investigate Secretary Nielsen for lying about this atrocity she’s been committing in our name. I hope it happens. I know lying to Congress is the hip new trend with these fucks, but it’s still a federal crime.
Well, we’ve uncovered possibly the most pathetic aspect of the massive criminal enterprise that landed the Individual Wonder in the Oval Office; a scheme to rig online polls in his favor. Online polls. One of them was on the Drudge Report, for fuck’s sake….can you imagine spending money (or boxing gloves, even) to fix a fucking Drudge poll? I’m starting to understand why this dolt needed his daddy to bail him out so many times.
A federal judge administered a much-deserved spanking to Scott Walker over his not-just-lame-but-truly-pathetic-duck session attack on voting rights, leading Wisconsin Republicans to retreat to their underground lair to plot fresh new attacks on democracy, and also to brainstorm proposals on how to get rid of Dick Tracy.
Ex-U.S. Senator/Prostitute Aficionado David Vitter, whose career in electoral politics was utterly obliterated by my all-time favorite political ad, has found a new career, as a paid Russian agent (or “lobbyist” if you’re feeling generous), working on behalf of sanctioned Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska. Who says there are no second acts in American lives?
Anyhow, we’re still stuck in the Big Dumb Government Shartdown, because a certain fuckhead backed himself into a corner and can’t find his way out. But whatever the Shart of the Deal lacks in negotiating skill, he more than makes up for in childlike petulance, and he figured the best available move was to cancel a Congressional trip to Belgium and Afghanistan, headed by Speaker Pelosi herself.
Did this act interfere with Congress’ duty to oversee our foreign wars? Yep. Did it endanger lives, because of course these trips are kept secret for security reasons? Of course! But Il Douche sure did own the libs, didn’t he? DIDN’T HE?
…oh wait, actually he just made sure Pelosi stayed in town to keep on hammering him as his poll numbers keep on falling amidst his unpopular showdown. If this were a fable, he’d realize “In owning the libs, I succeeded only in owning myself,” and congratulate himself on a hard-learned lesson, but this isn’t a fable, and he is incapable of any form of learning.
I guess the entire rationale behind the shutdown at this point is an anonymous quote in a horseshit, fear-mongering, Examiner article from a rancher who says she found a prayer rug on her property, and I’m sure the “prayer rug” turns out to be a Spongebob beach towel, or a Cardinals hoodie, or, y’know, nothing.
Say, I heard something about some big Buzzfeed article last night? I was deeply engrossed in some Tolstoy* at the time, so I haven’t gotten to it yet, but it’s probably nothing. I mean, what could really be so important at this point? What, did the President order Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, or something? Because that would be news. That would put impeachment on the table. That would actually put impeachment right in the center of the table, displacing whatever creepy-ass centerpiece Melania picked out.
By now you know that this is exactly what the Buzzfeed article says, and that I couldn’t come up with a better gag to drop it into this blog. That’s okay, you probably need don’t any added humor to laugh your ass off at how much trouble Shart-Shart is in now. Nixon trouble. Supporting-character-in-a-Jurassic-Park-movie trouble.
And because every so often life is genuinely perfect, it turns out Senator Amy Klobuchar asked the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s Attorney General nominee, William Barr, about just such a scenario, during his confirmation hearing this very week. “Oh yeah, that shit’s criminal as fuck, Senator,” said Barr, “You’d have to be a massive fucking idiot, and a giant crook to boot, to try something like that.”
Of course, as I was writing this, news broke of the Mueller office disputing aspects of the article. This is fairly significant, since the Mueller team never comments on anything, even that one time the President referred to the Special Counsel as a “lying poohead.” Well, thanks Bob. We were all only having a little fun. It’s like showing up to the birthday party and all the kids are wearing funny hats and shit and then they open the pizza boxes but there’s no pizza inside only math homework.
Everybody’s trying parse out precisely what the statement means, and I’d offer my two cents, but ultimately, I’m just a schmuck in a bathrobe, so I’ll leave this one to the experts.
Desperate for a distraction, Team Treasonweasel announced a second summit with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, because when you’re about to get impeached, even being outmaneuvered by a cheap, third-world, dictator in front of the whole planet counts as improved coverage, I guess. In lieu of a challenge coin, the government will be issuing a ceremonial string of anal beads, each depicting an empty promise Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops fell for.
Anyway, looks like the Velveeta Vulgarian has scheduled another televised announcement for tomorrow afternoon. Will it be the long-teased emergency declaration? Nothin’ like a little tyrannical power grab to kick the weekend off right. I wonder if they’ll allow tailgating at the gulag.
Alright, that’s all I got for ya, folks. We’re expecting some snow up here tonight, so I gotta rush out and stock up on supplies** before it hits. If I missed anything, well, get your own damn news, I’m not a machine, y’know.
*playing MarioKart drunk
P.S. Getting back to the SotU reverse invite, here’s a little bonus content for any Alanis fans out there:
NANCY PELOSI strides to stage, clad in an oversized button-up shirt and leather pants. She sits down at the piano, and begins to sing:
Like anyone would be
I am amused by your struggles dealing with me
Like any left-leaning Speaker
I have concerns for the union and its state
But you, you’re not allowed
A quite deliberate slight
Must be mighty frustrating
To watch your spotlight fade
Must be truly exciting
Spewing hate speech in prime time
But you, you’re not allowed
A quite deliberate slight
Like any other woman with power
I must seem greatly confusing
You’re used to Paul Ryan
Capitulating with a smile on his face
But this is not allowed
A quite deliberate slight
I don’t think you unworthy
Oh wait I totally do. Eat my shit.
(And then Steny Hoyer straight fuckin’ shreds that solo)