Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Please! No More Winning! It’s Like a Goddamn Kesha Song in Here!
Look, I didn’t expect things to be totally back to normal by now; that’s obviously not a reasonable ask. At the same time, I feel as though we all expected the promised reduction in the daily delirium levels to have kicked in by now, instead we’re still stuck in traffic ten feet outside the Mouth of Madness, and it’s not awesome. I don’t want to be that guy, but I really have to insist on speaking to a manager.
Apologies for disrupting the ceaseless champagne hangover/hair-of-the-dog cycle we’ve been trapped in for the last month, but I regret to inform you Team Decency once again emerged victorious in the 2020 presidential election, several different times since we last spoke, actually; most significantly when the Electoral College finally, formally did its thing. I’m sorry, we have to start the victory party all over. Yes, again! I don’t make the rules.
…Donald Trump does! Heh. Doddering old twit just keeps on filing new appeals, too. Maybe public humiliation on a global scale is like, addictive? I don’t think anyone in human history has experienced so much losing in front of so many people in such a short time; it’s a truly staggering achievement in the field of losing.
We’ve actually stumbled backwards into an entirely new form of drama here, one where the outcome is never, for a single passing moment, in doubt, but where you get to experience the catharsis part over and over again, like a monkey hooked up to a morphine drip, just pluggin’ away at that little button in your paw. Winning actually is exhausting, who knew?
But let’s get back to the losing side of the coin, the Republican side, because shit’s getting pretty dang weird on that side. I forget sometimes, they’re really still in their infancy as a death cult, only beginning to understand the monster they’ve become. Watching it happen in real time, here in the dying days of the Turd Reich, is…well, it’s a goddamn marvel of human psychology, is it not? I never thought I would live to see such behavior in my country.
Following the collapse of Ken Paxton’s lawsuit, which wasn’t a real lawsuit at all, but rather one corrupt politician’s desperate plea for a presidential pardon wearing a shitty, store-bought lawsuit costume, Allen West, who the Texas GOP, in their wisdom, made their Chairman, called for a second secession. Over an argument so ridiculously treasonous and treasonously ridiculous that strong cases have been made to disbar the lawyers involved.
Frankly, I’m not sure we should stop ‘em. If there’s anyone out there who would truly follow a legitimate maniac like Allen West out of the United States of America to start a new life in Dumbfuckistan, that feels like an addition by subtraction scenario to me. Give ‘em some of those wide open spaces they’re so fond of on their precious election maps.
It’s certainly been amusing, watching Republican Senators try to game out precisely how many unnecessary recounts and legal humiliations will provide sufficient cover to finally issue that mewling “Alas, my Lord, Ol’ Tricksy Joe and his deep state goblins seem to have pulled this one off, I guess it’s time at last to reluctantly accept this six-week-old truth” statement.
And now Mitch McConnell, the man who single-handedly broke American politics, is reduced to begging his gibbering nitwit caucus to pretty please stop enabling the President’s fantasy/tantrum because technically it is a coup c’mon you guys you said you wouldn’t!
They’re supposed to be our leaders, but they’ve allowed themselves to be horsewhipped into submission by a reality TV show character. In case anyone was wondering how it came to this.
Yes, tales of Republicans Losing Badly are quite diverting…right up until we remember the feral rank-and-file, anyway. You’ll never guess what went down at the so-called Stop the Steal rally in Washington, D.C. over the weekend WHOOPS SPOILERS it was RIGHT WING STREET VIOLENCE, how uncharacteristic of a movement that’s been lionizing a child terrorist for weeks!
Yeah, it turns out even a successful election is not an off switch, not for the kind of virulent hatred Donald Trump has unleashed. And so we watched as a lurching hate mob kicked and stabbed its way though the streets of our nation’s capital, stealing Black Lives Matter banners directly off the walls of Black churches and setting them on fire, in case of any this has been too subtle for anyone.
Howling the American President’s name all the while. It’s the Naziest thing I’ve seen since they made me watch actual footage of Hitler in school.
Quick shoutout to all those aforementioned Republican Senators, cowering in the corners of your offices in fear of mean tweets, yes, that was DESTROY THE GOP the slavering throng was chanting; the Frankenstein lesson will be administered as many times as is necessary. Anyhoo, congratulations on allowing Donald Trump to build a literal terrorist army, answerable only to him, golly I sure hope he doesn’t decide to avail himself of that power, once he’s free of all his Washington handlers, anyway, the tax cuts and judges were worth it, surely.
…but hey, the baseball team in Cleveland is changing its name, so I guess we’ll call it a draw for now, Institutional Racism. Sigh.
In the legal(ish) trenches of the Stoopid Coo, the latest strategy appears to be dressing up like official Electoral College electors and putting on little plays where everyone pretends they’re in the Electoral College, and then pretending these plays grant them some sort of legal standing. Somehow. Do you think there will be 2020 Electoral College reenactments someday?
The weekend provided an insightful little lesson on the mechanisms of Wingnut Outrage Theatre: the Wall Street Journal dug up some crusty old chauvinist to puke out an almost satirically condescending op-ed shitting on Dr. Jill Biden, that uppity broad, for having the audacity to use the title she earned through years of hard work. Following the entirely predictable (and deliberately provoked) avalanche of pushback, the editorial page gleefully published a non-apology so cynical they surely had it prepped in advance, bemoaning the thousand tyrannies of “cancel culture,” because the tree of conservative victimhood must be refreshed from time to time with the crocodile tears of mediocre white dudes.
Turns out every single person, real or fictitious, who ever told you life ain’t fair gets a Geppetto Checkmark, because high-ranking officials of the Die Plebs Die administration get to jump to the front of the vaccination line, even after leading a sinister disinformation campaign that’s claimed hundreds of thousands of lives, with no end in sight. I bet Westley and Buttercup don’t live happily ever after, either.
I’m not sure precisely how many times I’ve read the phrase “grim milestone” in 2020, but it’s been a whole fuckin’ bunch; just a natural side effect of the collision of gaslighting kakistocracy and a deadly pandemic, I suppose. The official death toll (still almost certainly an undercount) rolled past 300,000 and I have to tell you, friends, after this hell-sent year spent in a nation gone murderously mad, I will never again expect any human society to behave rationally.
Michigan Congresscreep Paul Mitchell No Not the Shampoo Guy would very much like to bask in your adulation, now that he’s chosen this moment in time, on the very brink of his retirement from national politics, to offer the meaningless-if-showy gesture of formally quitting the Republican Party. Paul spent the last four years rubber stamping every crime and atrocity, but on CNN the other day, he was so goshdarn brave n’ principled n’ truth-teller-y, you’d never know he declined the opportunity to vote for impeachment. Very brave fellow though.
Well, Redactor General William Barr has been sent to live out his days on a concentration camp upstate, where he’ll have plenty of space to run around. I confess I’m particularly curious about Bilious Bill’s next move; does one really get to settle into a nice, cushy think tank fellowship after one very publicly attempts to dismantle American democracy? Does the architect of the police state crackdown in Lafayette Square really get to spend the rest of his life antiquing, whimsically reminiscing about the glory days when he nearly made a dictator of a blithering manchild? Why has science failed to develop a catapult capable of reaching the sun?
Goddamn, this shit wears me out. Wonder how many times Joe n’ Kamala won the election while I was writing today? I’m gonna grab a beer and find out. As always, stay safe out there, Resisters…