This transition shit is killing me, y’all. Longtime readers know I’ve often likened life under the Turd Reich to being trapped in a dryer full of hammers and badgers. Ok, so the dryer has finally stopped now, and I love that, I do, but the badgers are still a problem, and as long as I’ve got all these hammers, I’m just gonna keep beating this metaphor to death. I’m ready to climb out of the dryer altogether, is all I’m saying.

Hey, what if a power-crazed Trump stooge with delusions of grandeur threw a thirsty climber party and nobody came? Personally, I have no idea, but ask Mike Pompeo, he’d know. I’m not sure who’ll ultimately come out on top in the Grifter Game of Thrones that’s coming when Cult45 decides to anoint a new high priest, but I do know Pompeo, with his irrepressible disdain for humanity and his resting thug face, doesn’t have what it takes. On the other hand, watching him figure that out the hard way is going to be mighty amusing.

It appears Uncle Vlad Putin managed to squeeze in one last massive cyberattack before control of the federal government reverts to people who actually like the United States and want to defend it. The scope of this attack is so mind-boggling and terrifying that I’m honestly having a hard time wrapping my head around it; these articles read like Jack Ryan movie plots.

Of course, the Velveeta Vulgarian isn’t doing one fucking thing about this act of war by a hostile foreign power; he hasn’t even mentioned it, no one expects him to, and boiled though we may be, my weary frog comrades, this is a normalization too far, or it ought to be, anyway. When the nation is attacked, the President should be able to pull himself away from the talking teevee box long enough for a “Hey, quit that, you!” at the very least.

But no, our guy is too busy wringing as much lame-duck spite out of his office as possible, attempting to appoint special counsels to investigate “election fraud,” and also Hunter Biden, because somehow even the last month has failed to teach the doddering old twerp that lies don’t magically transform into admissible evidence if you just tweet them enough.

“We want them infected,” reads a newly-discovered e-mail from Paul Alexander, one of the demented little Trumpkins who infiltrated and derailed the nation’s coronavirus response. Paul was upset, you see, that all those dumb cuck doctors and scientists at the Department of (checks notes) Health and Human Services were spending so much time and energy trying to save American lives when clearly the only correct course was to shovel the plebs into the furnace as quickly as possible, lest our plutocrat overlords experience the slightest turbulence in their standard of living.

Just under the wire, Rand Paul became the very first elected Republican to make an honest statement in public during the year our Lord 2020, musing, “I’m very, very concerned that if you solicit votes from typically non-voters, that you will affect and change the outcome,” (this practice is commonly known as “campaigning.”) but then Josh Hawley kicked Rand under the table to remind him to stick to incendiary innuendo, cuz we’re never gonna get more voter suppression laws if we openly confess to despising democracy.

Ron Johnson is as traitorous as he is stupid*, and thus he staged a hearing before the Senate Homeland Security Committee wherein he loudly and repeatedly betrayed the homeland. Now, Johnson is about as dumb as dudes get, (Who can forget the time Jack Lew successfully tricked RoJo into missing a crucial floor vote by alleging he had “Got (Senator Johnson’s) nose” and refusing to give it back?) but he is still a sitting U.S. Senator, spewing lunatic conspiracy theories straight out of Alex Jones’ cough syrup overdose hallucinations, and any time the GOP wants to stop driving their voters hatefully, violently insane would be fine with me.

“Oh Cap, you’re exaggerating!” some would say. “It’s not as though heavily armed maniacs are rampaging around the country, running innocent people off the road and menacing them at gunpoint over completely fabricated allegations of voter fraud OH WAIT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING, Cap you handsome, tricksy bastard, you’ve done it again!”

Living in history is so gobsmackingly inane these days, we have to talk about electoral betting markets now. We have multiple betting market stories, in fact; the scraping sound you’re hearing is your brain trying to dig its way out of your skull.

President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster himself cites a fleeting moment on election night when online gamblers misread the results and pissed their money away accordingly as “evidence” he wuz robbed, and shit, even Sidney Powell does better work than that, kid.

Actually, these betting markets are ground zero right now for the explosive collision of two of nature’s fiercest foes: MAGA Nation and Objective Reality. We’re talking about folks who not only bet money that Trump would win, but kept on betting more and more AFTER Election Day. Like, watched Rudy shit his pants across the street from a dildo dispensary, and said to themselves, “Oh, it’s in the bag now, hoss, time to take out a second mortgage!”

And now, these deeply rational people are throwing deeply rational shitfits because the gambling sites are finally starting to pay out on Biden, after sixty kajillion humiliating legal defeats plus the formal vote of the Electoral College. They’re going to file a lawsuit n’ everything. I was skeptical once, but you truly can fool some of the people all of the time.

Serious question: with so many different grifters picking their pockets, how do the Children of the Candy Corn manage to hang onto enough money to feed and clothe themselves? Maybe y’all can reduce your Economic Anxiety™️ a little by cutting into your Blank Checks to Charlatans budget?

I swear, I barely bat an eye anymore at each new “Jared Kushner funneled the rubes’ campaign contributions straight into the family coffers” story. Fucking of course he did. A dumbfuck death cult and its money are soon parted; I think Ben Franklin said that.

Biden aide Jen O’Malley Dillon referred to Republicans as “fuckers,” which is, by any objective measure, a grossly insufficient label for the gaggle of psychotic plutocrats who got 300,000 people killed this year while simultaneously attempting to end American democracy on behalf of a serial sex offender who cages children, steals millions from the Treasury, and generally runs the federal government like Putin’s personal trained marmot.

…sorry, got distracted there, where was I? OH YES, Fuckersgate. Republicans unleashed a tide of such righteous indignation at this abominable act of profanity that you’d never know they’d spent the previous four years suckling on the buttpimples of a cheap fascist hoodlum who has literally inspired multiple acts of terrorist violence with his reckless rhetoric. And we laughed right in their faces, because enduring the sermons of the demonstrably immoral is on the list of Shit Democrats Don’t Do Anymore, right behind “taking the Rust Belt for granted.”

Mike Flynn should be in prison right now, but instead, he’s making the rounds on the emerging We’re Gonna Make You Miss Fox Before We’re Through wingnutosphere, begging his old boss to impose martial law and rerun the election until he gets the result he wants. I feel like a simple “thank for you the wildly undeserved pardon” would have been sufficient, but calling for a military coup is also a choice. Apparently.

I see the Turdmaggot Administration is already fucking up the coronavirus vaccine rollout, and I know, I know, as far as news goes, this is roughly equivalent to BREAKING: Fonzie Says Ayyyyyy. Atrocities and crimes aside, we should have impeached these goons the minute we witnessed their struggles with tasks as rudimentary as Easter Egg Roll-staging and light switch-finding; this shitshow was always going to end in mass graves.

I see whichever purge-elevated Undersecretary in Charge of Coordinating the Office Lunch Order is currently acting head of DoD decided to stop cooperating with the Biden transition team, citing the Pentagon’s existing workload, or “day job,” as an anonymous official put it, because god forbid we ask the leadership of the most powerful military force on the planet to walk and chew gum at the same time. We should probably stop sending these folks out to invade places, y’know?

I think we’re still supposed to be mad about Jill Biden’s doctorate, by the way. In fairness, it must be pretty tough to manufacture new distracting outrage content when everyone is either trapped inside their home or hooked up to a ventilator.

Ok, I’m gonna grab a beer and feed the badgers. If anybody’s looking to get me a last-minute Xmas gift, I do have a few stray thoughts on the matter…

*This implies Johnson is “as traitorous as a bag of hammers.” Or “so traitorous he couldn’t find his own dick with a map.” Perhaps even “about as loyal as a bowling ball.” I didn’t really think this bit through, is what I’m telling you.