Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Presidential Shutdown Strategy: Walls Within Walls, Maaaaaaan
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn’t think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Anyway…shit be cray. Let’s do this.
So, about an hour after I got the last post up, I saw that article with that one flustered Trump voter, who, panicked that her Turd Emperor’s blundering incompetence was now wrecking her life, and things weren’t as much fun as they’d been in the heady days of shrieking “lock her up” alongside her fellow maniacs, whinged, “he’s not hurting the people he needs to be hurting,” which historians and social scientists quickly agreed was the Most Revealing Thing Ever Said in All Human History.
A lot of folks are enjoying a little schadenfreude at this particular MAGAt’s struggles, but I don’t think that’s really fair. Separate her from her family, throw her in an ice-cold cage in a concentration camp on the border, without medical care, and then we can talk about fair.
Holy heck, Donnie Dotard’s old campaign chairman is even more #Manafucked than we thought! We learned about still another shady-ass meeting between Manafort and th’Russians, this time in Madrid, which he lied about, oh, and also he shared polling data with a Kremlin-connected oligarch, and I can’t speak for you, but that sounds lightly treasonous to me.
Now folks, there is just no fucking standard where GIVING THE RUSSIANS YOUR PROPRIETARY POLLING DATA does not fit the definition of “colluding with the Russians,” but damn if you don’t still see powerful Republicans trying! It’s fucking weird watching American politicians tie themselves up in knots looking for a way to excuse a foreign attack on the United States, isn’t it? Like if you saw some jowlsy old southern Senator try to wave off Pearl Harbor as an overenthusiastic pizza delivery.
And we only found out about this shit because Manafort’s lawyers fucked up and forgot to redact it in their filing. Precocious Paul might have standing to appeal on a Holy Fuck I Was Represented By Doorknobs basis.
But there’s more from the Russian front, with an old character making a surprise return. Yes, Natalia V. Veselnitskaya, of the famed and much-lied-about Trump Tower meeting, has gotten herself indicted in a money-laundering case. While this indictment doesn’t have anything to do with the Mueller investigation, it does reveal our Natalia has been somewhat less than honest about her Kremlin ties. Gosh, and she seemed so sweet. Hell, Junior practically took her home to meet the folks.
The Oversight Renaissance is heating up, chums! Steve Mnuchin has been summoned to the principal’s office to explain why the fuck he’s been working so hard to lift sanctions on one of Vlad Putin’s oligarch pals. Expect Secretary Mnuchbag to respond to inquires with “Who knows why the fuck I do anything? I’m not qualified for this job! None of us are! Ben Carson’s using half of HUD’s office space to store grain!”
Acting Attorney General/Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker is getting a subpoena of his very own! New House Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler is committed to discovering whether or not Whitaker possesses the equivalent intelligence of a dolphin, or a well-trained dog, and I commend him.
Every boy wants to impress his father, and I guess when Dad’s racist clod, you behave like Donald Trump, Jr. The little shit tweeted out the most horrifying casual bit of revolting dehumanization you’ll see outside the comments section on a Daily Stormer article, like it was a cat video. Look, I don’t ask for much in this life, but I would very much like to see this malignant little shitweasel lose every single unearned dollar and die destitute in prison. If you ever see me throwing a coin in a fountain, that’s what I’m wishing for.
I guess President Crotchrot’s attention span wandered long enough to recollect one of his older, neglected, petty grievances, as he farted out a random tweet blaming California wildfires on the stubborn, liberal, flammability of forests. Anyway, if there’s a stupidity gene, it hasn’t skipped any generations in the Trump family.
A visit from the Ghost of Grifters Past, as Scott Pruitt somehow continues to find himself in brand new trouble despite having been thrown out the airlock several months ago. Looks like Scotty was accepting bribes, excuse me “donations to his legal defense fund” from a wealthy Republican donor back when he was running the EPA. Plus, you totally know it was him who ate every single lunch anybody ever left in the break room fridge.
Possibly the most baffling story of the day is the news that the Shart Administration is hammering out a bill that would grant Government Cheese Goebbels insane unilateral powers to raise tariffs any time he needed to blow off steam after a shitty round of golf. I’ve never seen delusion on this level; after wrecking havoc on the stock market and crotch-punting so many American businesses with your dumbfuck trade war, you imagine anyone’s thirsty to expand your authority to fuck shit up? It’s like asking you dad if he’ll buy you a Porsche ten minutes after he grounds you.
Hey, I don’t know if you know this, but it seems like Iowa Congressjag Steve King is something of a racist. The Failing New York Times revealed this shocking news with an In-Depth Deep Dive Into Things Steve King Has Said Out Loud in Front of Everyone. Anyway, Steve’s super-upset. Maybe he’ll sue himself for defamation.
Hey, I hope you like shutdown news, because boy howdy do I have a lot of shutdown news. I went to Costco for toilet paper and jelly beans, but there was this big fat family pack of shutdown news, and the price was just too tempting. I just hope there’s room in my freezer.
Well, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits successfully bullied the TV networks into giving him free airtime to spew his hateful propaganda, but he wasn’t able to capitalize, because, stripped of a crowd of riled up hateyokels, he comes off like your grandpa complaining about the grocery store moving the hot dog buns to a different aisle.
Even better, Smallhands Magoo’s little diatribe did worse in the ratings than the Pelosi/Schumer response which followed. Now, as much as I love them, let’s just say Chuck n’ Nancy awkwardly sharing a podium doesn’t tend to generate a level of excitement on par with a secret Beyoncé album dropping, so you know this is extra-humiliating. Hee.
The next day, the Shart of the Deal really put on a negotiating clinic, asking congressional Democrats to give him the wall money they’ve been denying, because he thinks if you just keep pestering mom and dad they’ll buy you the ice cream cone just to get you to shut the fuck up. Well, Wee Don didn’t get his ice cream, so he threw a tantrum and walked out. The joke was on him though, as Democrats pocketed all the candy he’d brought the moment he was gone. SUCKER!
Now he’s claiming he never actually said that Mexico was really gonna pay for the wall, which is a bit like the Where’s the Beef lady insisting she never asked where the beef was.
From there he descended into his trademark melange of flagrant dishonestly, jabbering self-pity, and whatever the rant about wheels being older than walls (they’re not, by way) was. He whined that Pelosi and Schumer are harder to negotiate with than China, and OF COURSE THEY ARE you nitwit, they don’t have the option to just bombard you with insincere flattery until you sign something without reading it.
FDA food inspections are off due to the shutdown, so you can look forward to some fun changes in the nougat/rat feces ratio in your 3 Musketeers bars if we don’t get this worked out soon.
And air traffic controllers are now receiving paychecks that read “You expect financial remuneration for your labor? LOL!” for the totally non-essential services they provide, namely preventing airplanes full of people from crashing into one another. Oh, and the FBI says the shutdown is interfering with that whole “law enforcement” thing. I feel safer already.
The Coast Guard isn’t get paid either, but the government has helpfully suggested that Guardsmen facing financial difficulties could turn to babysitting, or tutoring, or even holding a garage sale, to make ends meet. How’s that for gratitude? “Thank you for serving your country, now go see if you can get thirty bucks for your mattress, you filthy taker!”
Meanwhile some really choice shitheads are taking advantage of the lack of staff in our national parks by vandalizing our nation’s precious heritage of natural beauty, because, and I don’t know how many times I have to tell y’all, we live in Hell. These shitsacks are even chopping down endangered Joshua trees, just CUZ. Does that sound like something that would happen in a place that wasn’t Hell?
And the shartdown is even starting to hit ol’ Shower Cap right where he lives, as America’s finest breweries find themselves unable to release their latest innovations in the noble field of beermaking for public consumption. I’m about to throw up a goddamn barricade, folks.
This seems like a good time to point out that the only thing that’s really at stake here is Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet’s fragile ego. Everybody understands the wall won’t work. We don’t need the wall. We don’t want the wall. But because the President is a narcissistic septuagenarian toddler, and because his ego matters more to him than every single human life on earth put together, the whole country has to pay for his boneheaded negotiating blunder. NEAT.
So what seems to be the agreed-upon solution to current impasse is, the Manchurian Manchild will simply, unconstitutionally, proclaim a state of emergency and order the wall be built in defiance of the law. To be clear here, the “national emergency” is that Donald Trump is actually terrible at the one thing he’s supposed to do well; making deals.
And so here we are at last, at the moment when Pissant Pol Pot will grab the United States Constitution in his tiny, inadequate, hands, and try to tear it to shreds because he backed himself into a corner and his father never loved him and lordy, whoever thought it was a good idea to give such an obviously broken little man this much power?
Horrifyingly, congressional Republicans are treating this anti-Democratic power grab as the best available solution. They’ve grown so cowed by the Grand Wizard Grifter and his frothy, hate-fueled base, that they’re enabling this attack on American democracy rather than standing up to a wannabe dictator pursuing a loathed policy. “Oh, the courts will stop him…we hope,” they whimper. A greater collection of sycophants and cowards has surely never been assembled. The Senate Republican caucus is 53 different versions of the Paul Reiser character in Aliens. And none more craven than Lindsey Graham.
By the way, the plan is to divert already-appropriated disaster relief funds from silly little so-called “disasters” like the California wildfires and the hurricanes that hit Florida, Texas, and Puerto Rico. That’s a great little detail, isn’t it? Really drives home the reckless evil of the thing. The fake crisis is so important, people experiencing actual crises must be made to suffer.
For extra fun, just to drop an acid-laced cherry on top of this madness-and-bullshit sundae, NBC playfully revealed that the Marmalade Shartcannon’s precious steel slate barrier can be breached by any idiot with a saw. A motherfucking SAW. For five billion dollars, we should be at least able to thwart the fearsome might of a ten dollar Home Depot gift card.
Still, all of Sharty McFly’s desperate attempts to distract the country with his moronic shenanigans aren’t going divert a single camera when Michael Cohen testifies publicly before Congress! Yes, the former fixer is set to play selections from his smash album “Crimes I Committed Because My Client Donald Trump Told Me To” before the House Oversight Committee, which is suddenly interested in conducting actual oversight now that Democrats are in charge, WEIRD, HUH?
Anyway I’m clearing my calendar on February 7th, I have a day-drinking date with the Sensei of Sez-Hoo.
Good gravy. What a week. If I didn’t drink, I’d scream. Luckily, I do drink.