Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Secret Shameful Sex Kinks of Pence and Nunes
Hmmm…really just a gentle madness drizzle today, at least by current standards. As though someone lightly dusted my breakfast oatmeal with just a pinch of bath salts, spiking my OJ with a mere half-bottle of cough syrup.
Well, picking up where we left off yesterday, one last brackish belch from the “Values” Voters Summit: Shrieking Hate Grifter Michele Bachmann assured the audience of salivating rubes that the dude who grabs pussies and uses charitable donations to buy paintings of himself is a “man of faith.”
If nothing else, I’m grateful to these Days of Drumpf for giving us all final permission to simply laugh like cartoon hyenas whenever the “Christian” right makes a play for the moral high ground. “Man of faith.” Fuck right off.
Of course, this gets even MORE hilarious when paired with the release of that New Yorker profile of everybody’s favorite Arthur Miller’s The Crucible Cosplayer, Mike Pence. There’s plenty of good stuff about Mikey Hairshirt being an eager Koch puppet and general assclown, but the really timely stuff involves the “Man of Faith” repeatedly mocking his running mate’s religious fervor.
I’d take a shot here about the Christian Right being played for fools by a con man, but I think we’re all adult enough to understand that the Venn Diagram of “Christianity” and “the Christian Right” overlaps exclusively at the point of “Charlton Heston films.”
Pence, when asked to comment for this post, screamed “SHUT THE DOOR, DON’T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” before going back to what appeared to be strapping a veal calf into a sex swing before his Chief of Staff ushered our reporter away.
I missed this one, but Cowboy Z over at Interior figures that if Republicans will believe John Podesta runs a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, then surely he can get away with saying that taking down confederate monuments will eventually wind up offending “Native Indians.”
Fuck, why not? I’m not sure when Commemorating Treasonous Losers became a partisan issue, but I’m really quite confident we’re on the correct side of this particular line.
I guess Government Cheese Goebbels likes to imagine he’ll get to replace half the Supreme Court, because the justices are all so unhealthy. (God knows I look forward to reading Michael Cohen’s trademark “Says who” in the official SCOTUS transcripts.) He then consumed another fistful of deep-fried pork rectums dipped in lard gravy, before mainlining experimental hair tonic into his eyeball.
Didja see the thing where Russian Social Media Troll School apparently involves sitting around, watching House of Cards for pointers on the workings of our political system? I bet the rest of that syllabus was full of shit like Hee Haw and YouTube videos of frat boys throwing up on each other during St. Patrick’s Day weekend.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: The Russkies are weaponizing our biggest natural resource: morons.
There was another WaPo piece about all the ways Shart House staffers treat the President like an ill-tempered toddler in their never-ending struggle to keep him from dropping bombs on Cleveland because LeBron James keeps saying mean things about him. Our President really is like all the shitty kids from Willy Wonka rolled up into one, isn’t he? I bet General Kelly drugs the second scoop, is all I’m saying.
(I do want to mention that this article points out that Secretary Mnuchbag is PARTICULARLY craven in his ass-kissing, which I find oddly satisfying.)
Forbes wonders whither went Wilbur’s wayward w…billions? OBVIOUSLY he’s been spinning his assets into gold in the old farmer’s barn down the road from the Prince’s Castle, and if the appropriate oversight committee wants to know the Commerce Secretary’s true worth, then they’ll just have guess his real name within three tries like everybody else.
The company that commissioned the Steele Dossier (THAT’S THE ONE WITH THE PISS TAPE) told Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes to shove his subpoena straight up his bacon-larded asshole, because Devin recused himself from the investigation, and that means you don’t get to subpoena SHIT, especially since everybody knows you’re just gonna take it straight to Daddy Drumpf ’cause he’s promised you you can fuck the pardoned Thanksgiving Turkey this year, which is great because most of the pigs in this country have caught onto you by now Devin, you sad little pigfucking twerp.
Business Insider tells us that during the transition, Princess Ivanka sent then-chairman Chris Christie on a McDonald’s run, and told Mike Flynn he could have any job he wanted, because he was so very loyal to Daddy. That Flynn was more loyal to foreign paymasters than to the United States was a detail of no particular consequence to the Princess.
Investigators are looking into the Most Lamentable Tragedie of Peter W. Smith, that GOP operative who tried to get Hilldawg’s e-mails from the Russians and then seems to have committed suicide. You forgot about him, didn’t ya? That’s how much shit’s being constantly thrown in our faces, every single goddamn day…”Oh right, that’s the story that’s like, ten feet away from proving collusion, how’d that slip my mind? Oh right, all those hurricanes and nuclear war threats, silly me!”
So, almost two weeks ago, four American soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger. We can discuss the passive response of the GOP, who have previously gotten, shall we say, rather worked up over Four Americans Dying in a Terrorist Attack in Africa, but let’s save that one for another night.
We have a President who makes a fair bit of noise about folks “disrespecting the troops.” He tweets all the damn time, whipping his ragey little army of rubes into regular furies about people who he claims Disrespect the Troops. Steve Bannon says that Bob Corker is Disrespecting the Shit Out of Every Single Troop just by criticizing our Swollen Tick Commander in Chief at all!
Which is why it’s so weird that when a soldier who died in the line of the duty arrived at Dover Air Force Base, rather than showing Respect for this man who gave his life in service to his country, the Shart was instead showing Respect for How Much He Really Likes Golfing, by, well…golfing.
In fact, we found out today that he has yet to contact the families of ANY of the soldiers who died in the ambush, and he’s gone golfing a fuckton since they died. More than the goddamn pros.
So, to clarify, black men who kneel during the national anthem to draw attention to the Black Lives Matter movement? That’s Disrespectful to the Troops.
But a President who, rather than contacting the families of soldiers who’ve made the ultimate sacrifice, rather than make a simple phone call, just golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golfs and golf and golfs and golfs…THAT’S RESPECT.
Now, this is pretty fucking appalling all by itself, right? You’d have to a real monstrous fuckwad to find even MORE shit to throw on the substantial pile of shit you’re already looking it here. It’s a Jurassic Park shitpile.
…well, let it never be said that our President is an underachiever when it comes to shitty behavior. He may be leaving American citizens to choke to death on poisonous water and Skittles in Puerto Rico, but by gum, HE WILL NOT BE OUT-ASSHOLED.
So, on being confronted, ever-so-gently on the whole “Why do you have time to tweet about football players but not call Gold Star Families,” Shart Garfunkel decides to vomit up the easily disproven lie that he makes such calls much more often than any of his predecessors, who really almost never did it, especially that Barack Obama, who would actually just make prank calls, after having his staff schedule them during the reception after the guy’s funeral to really rub salt in the wounds.
…I’m starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than totally honest.
We got a few additional gems out of the Shart of the Deal today, including some gloating about all the people he hurt with his executive order to suspend ACA subsidy payments. There’s “no such thing as Obamacare,” he bragged, “It’s just a story rich parents use to frighten their children with the specter of social responsibility.”
There was also some whinging about the whole “Hey, you haven’t actually passed one fucking bill that matters, and it’s been a MINUTE, y’know?” thing. “I’m not going to blame myself,” declared the Dude Who Sits Behind the Desk at Which the Buck Stops.
Shit, that’s the first honest thing he’s said in two years. It’s the very essence of Trump and Trumpism. I wonder how it’ll look a cheap-ass, made-in-Gina, red ballcap.
Anyway, we got to watch Mitch McConnell stand next the Idiot Manchild who’s been tormenting him and destroying his party all year, and watch him eat another fat plateful of shit, and I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of that.
Hey, congrats to Callista Gingrich for getting confirmed as Ambassador to the Vatican! I hear they have some extremely non-specific views on adultery there! (Joking aside, the Bible never explicitly says Thou Shalt Not Abandon Thy Cancer-Stricken Wife on Her Death Bed When a Younger, Richer Piece Comes Along, so Noot’s all clear.).
And looka here, where Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich tears the President what would would be a new asshole in most cases, but in Drumpf’s I suppose would be a new mouth.
John McCain gave a speech tonight going after SCROTUS’ shitty idiot nationalist worldview, during which he specifically referenced the “blood and soil” thing, which is a Nazi thing. Straight up NAZI THING. Chills your blood, doesn’t it? That you can fairly quote Nazis when denouncing the President of the United States of America?
So you see? Compared to the Hey Are We About to Start a Nuclear War Days, today was calm. Boring, almost. Hardly worth mentioning at all.