Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Maybe We Should Just Be Grateful for the 44 Presidents Who DIDN’T Shit on Gold Star Families
We keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don’t we? The class, the intellect. The way he actually knew things about policy. The absence of white supremacists in key advisory positions. The way he never seemed to want to goad anybody into starting a nuclear war. That little certain…”something” he had about him, where he’d never tell a Gold Star father that he was going to send him a bunch of money and then just flat fucking not do it.
Standards, they change.
Well, let’s document the madness…they say that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and I sure as shit don’t want to repeat any of this garbage.
Always nice to see The Mooch squeeze out another nanosecond of fame, even if it does involve sending out a “Can I Get a WUT WUT From All the Holocaust Deniers Up in Here?!?” Twitter poll.
Wait, did I say nice? I meant “dry-heave inducing.” Honest mistake.
Orange Julius Caesar took to the PolyMatric Twitter Machine to boast about prototypes for his Big Stupid Wall. He’s SUPER proud, even though he hasn’t secured any funding for said Big Stupid Wall, and his track record for getting what he wants out of congress is…somewhat less than sublime.
Ah well. I hope he gets his hopes way, way up for this.
The Shart’s pick to head up the DEA withdrew his nomination, for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that a WaPo/60 Minutes exposé busted him for pushing a bullshit law that made drug companies richer from killing Americans with over-prescribed opioids. Why our President is outsourcing the vetting of his high-level appointments to the allegedly “fake” news media is anybody’s guess.
Young Jar-Jar has hired another lawyer, a dude who previously represented Hulk Hogan and Harvey Weinstein, because of course he did.
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops fell 92 spots on Forbes Magazine’s Rich Fuckers List, with wealth shrinkage to the tune of 600 billion dollars, SAD. You know this pissed the President of the United States off more than, say, millions of his constituents suffering without power or clean water, because we’re governed by a man with the priorities of Scrooge McDuck’s evil doppelgänger from the mirror universe.
Still, I laughed.
Apparently it was Spicey’s turn under the hot lights of Robert Mueller’s investigation. Sources say Spicer attempted to synch his story with that of former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, but it turned out that Reince’s testimony amounted primarily to uncontrollable sobbing and pleas for mercy.
Tangerine Idi Amin continues his feud with Senator John McCain, because I guess General Kelly still hasn’t told his boss where impeachment trials take place. Littlefinger’s mad because McCain gave a speech suggesting that America was maybe a little bit better than a cheap dumbfuck Nazi and his dotard nationalism, and Don was all “I resemble that remark!’ Drumpf made a few threats, which is kinda cute at this point, like, “Aw, after 9 solid months of nonstop losing, he thinks people are afraid him. Who’s a big, scary President? YOU are!”
Belligerent Traitor Mike Flynn’s lunatic son is getting subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee. I hope they set up some sort of windshield before Junior’s testimony, because he’s a raving, slobbering, lunatic, even by the standards of the 2017 GOP.
Speaking of malicious dumbasses, didja see where Roy Moore said the kneeling during the anthem is ILLEGAL? It’s fun how everybody in the GOP endorsed a guy for the Senate who neither understands nor believes in the first amendment. We’re just having all kinds of zany new debates these days!
Still, a poll showed Moore tied with his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones. And sure, it was “registered voters” not “likely voters,” but maybe we’ve stumbled across the one dude who’s Too Crazy for Alabama. Shit, David Vitter lost the Louisiana governor’s race a little while back, right?
…especially since the story broke about Moore’s “charity” taking donations from a literal Nazi. A Holocaust-denying NAZI. Is it really asking so much that our Senators don’t take money from Nazis? I mean, I understand that standards have lowered over the last year and a half, but surely, SURELY we can all agree that a guy who doesn’t like the First Amendment, refuses to obey the rule of law, AND TAKES MONEY FROM FUCKING NAZIS doesn’t belong in the United States Senate.
…donate to Doug Jones, is what I’m saying.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag laments that it’s “very hard not to give tax cuts to the wealthy.” I hear you, bud. I was feeding the cat this morning, and I accidentally cut the capital gains tax almost 6%, without really realizing I was doing it. I created a new loophole just for the Kochs and Mercers while warming up a Hot Pocket last Wednesday. Shit, I even let an insurance program that provides health care to 9 million vulnerable children expire just last…oh hang on, that wasn’t me, that was Congress.
Y’know how everybody said the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s ACA sabotage would lead to large premium increases? Well, his ACA sabotage has lead to large premium increases. In, fittingly, key swing states that voted for him. Of course, he tweeted “NOT MY FAULT,” which will surely solve this problem just like it solved all of Puerto Rico’s hurricane relief problems.
Shartboy’s Muslim ban version three has been held up in court (a couple of courts, actually), despite the fake mustache and glasses Stephen Miller slapped on the latest version to make it look like Not a Muslim Ban at All. So not all the news is bad.
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee for another round of questioning. It went more or less like last time…Sessions refusing to answer the most important questions because…well, he’s the nation’s top law enforcement official, and what’s he gonna do, prosecute himself?
It’s always fun to watch Al Franken grill Ol’ Beau for that whole lying-under-oath thing. Sessions gets all fake-mad like he’s about to march across the floor and slap Franken with a white glove, but he knows he’d wind up with his ass kicked, so he just whimpers indignantly.
Well, General Kelly finally pried his boss away from the golf course long enough to do his job for a few minutes, making condolence calls to the families of the soldiers killed in Niger a couple of weeks (and many many games of golf) ago. Kelly urged the President to demonstrate empathy, but Drumpf sneered “there you go making up words again, John. Get me a taco bowl.”
And by now you’ve heard how this call went.
“Wow, I bet that stinks, having a dead husband. But c’mon, he knew what he has getting into. Fuck, that’s why I made up fake bone spurs, to dodge the draft so I wouldn’t be sent to die in some shithole by an uncaring fuckhead like myself. This reminds me of the guy I got killed in Yemen, I should send a fruit basket. So long as I don’t have to pay for it. Anyway. You got your call, this’ll really help get the media off my back, so you’re welcome!”
And of course all Presidential sympathy goes out the window once the criticism goes public, so Sgt. La David Johnson’s reward for his sacrifice is to have his surviving family turned into enemies of the state because to Il Douche, Dying in the Line of Duty matters significantly less than Smooching the Presidential Buttocks.
And almost immediately, we found out that Sharty McFly promised a DIFFERENT grieving military family that he’d personally write them a $25,000 check…and then, instead of following through…didn’t. Just kept on golfin’ and lyin’ and golfin’ and golfin’, because promising charitable donations that he refuses to actually deliver is second nature to the man.
The Shart House was positively indignant that the librul media would take the President to task for FUCKING WITH A MAN WHO LOST HIS SON IN AFGHANISTAN, and they totally put the check in the mail as soon as they learned the media had the story. HOW DARE YOU, LIBRUL MEDIA?
This all surfaced the same day NPR let us know the Shart’s L.A. golf club also fibbed a bit about their charitable giving. What’s “a bit?” Oh, just a few million. Who among us hasn’t taken credit for millions of dollars worth of charitable donations that we didn’t actually make?
According to CNN, some GOP types think it’s time to wrap up all this Russian collusion investigation hullabaloo, because unlike say, Benghazi, this particular line of inquiry is A) Based in actual fact and B) Bad for Republicans rather than Democrats. I forget, when was the last time one of these fucks asked for STILL ANOTHER investigation into Hillary’s e-mails?
And ICE wants to use more private prison cells for the undocumented immigrants they’re rounding up, because while using the full weight of the American law enforcement apparatus to enforce and inflict systemic institutional racism is reward enough for a White Supremacist Ideologue like Jeff Sessions, there’s no reason you shouldn’t take advantage of the situation and throw a few bucks at your donors in the private prison industry! It’s Shitty White Guy Multi-tasking!
Oh, and the Trump Administration went to court to prevent an undocumented immigrant in detention from getting an abortion.
THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WENT TO MOTHERFUCKING COURT TO PREVENT AN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT IN DETENTION FROM GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING ABORTION?!?!?!
Fortunately, the ACLU won the case, and a judge ordered the government to allow the immigrant (a teenager, for fuck’s sake!) to have the procedure.
Jeff Sessions, you Mississippi-Burning-the-Musical reject, keep your grubby little mittens out of women’s bodies! I mean that mostly figuratively, but literally too, you creepy little Hate Elf.
A major pro-Trump Twitter account purporting to be some spittle-drenched gang of Tennessee Republicans turned out to be straight-up run by professional, government-paid Russian trolls, isn’t that neat? More than 100,000 Rube followers, hot-n-horny to be misled by a hostile foreign power looking to fuck America’s shit up. Uncle Vlad thanks you for your service, Rubes.
Neater still, a bunch of high-ranking officials in the Shart campaign spread propaganda from this Russian troll account in the waning days of the 2016 clusterfuck. Hey, Kellyanne, collaborate much?
I just want to extend a special thanks to our countrymen over in the Cult45 Rube Army, it really takes a special kind of asshole to collaborate so willingly with a foreign enemy! The Russkie plan to Weaponize our Morons wouldn’t be possible without all you Morons.
I guess Peter Navarro, one of the idiots you don’t hear much about, circulated a “document” through the government that was really just a couple of chintzy power point slides claiming we need to blow up trade deals or something because losing manufacturing jobs causes every ill from spousal abuse to Sense8’s cancellation.
Shame you guys don’t have any actual plans to bring manufacturing jobs back, innit? (Beyond, of course, simply claiming you already have, regardless of the truth.)
Hey, now you can see Pence 4 Less! Nobody wants to watch Number Two iron his hairshirt in Denver, so prices are dropping fast! This comes hot on the heels of a humiliatingly-poorly attended rally for Ed Gillespie in Virginia, so I think Mikey should probably cancel that headlining tour. Maybe he can open for Starship on the State Fair circuit.
…yeah, I miss Obama, alright. There were a lot less Nazis, for one. And Sense8 was on.